


Rattlesnakes

by trixiechick



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Cutting, Depression, Drugs, M/M, Sex, Suicidal Tendencies, Violence, bad language, non-con sexual situation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-28
Updated: 2013-10-28
Packaged: 2017-12-30 18:06:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 157,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1021765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trixiechick/pseuds/trixiechick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Duo and Trowa are forced to try group therapy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ohboy. Ten years ago today, October 28th, i finished what might be one of the best things i'll ever write. to commemorate the anniversary, i've [completely remade my site](http://www.offpanel.net/chick/warn.html), so please check it out! also, i plan to write a little follow up something for Rattlesnakes, but i didn't have time with the site work... so, hopefully, soon!
> 
> anyway, since it HAS been ten years, exactly, i decided to post this here. it might be a bit of nostalgia for some, it might be of absolutely no interest to others, it might be something new and fun to even others... whatever, i appreciate you reading this. thank you. ^_^
> 
> i have some more extensive [notes here, which include my inspiration, my theory of the "colony boy", and thanks](http://www.offpanel.net/chick/stories/Rattlesnakes0.html). if you are interested.
> 
> please heed the warnings, though. there are some majorly triggery aspects of this fic, so. forewarned. 
> 
> thankyou!!!

The timer was ringing, but Trowa was still washing his hands. The light in the bathroom was unnecessarily bright, and it made his skin appear a little sickly. The mirror had a small crack in the bottom left hand corner, and Trowa's eyes were fixed on the crack and the way it caught the light.

His hands had been under the hot water long enough to be pinkish. There was still dirt under his nails.

He turned the water off slowly, the feel of the metal on his hot hands almost inconsequential. The tiles were white, and the grout should have been blue, but it badly needed cleaning. He didn't bother to dry his hands as he left, neither did he turn off the light. The trail of light on the gray carpet lead to the kitchen, but Trowa went the other way to go to the dark bedroom. 

The window in there looked out over the side alley, and from it Trowa could see the wet road, and two people talking close together in a doorway two buildings down. He couldn't make out whether they were male, female, or one of each, so he watched them until they separated, one going inside the door and the other walking away. 

He still didn't know what gender they were.

Sighing, he got up, his hands now cold, and went to the kitchen to pull the burned tv dinner out of the oven. Plopping the contents onto a plate disinterestedly, he went into the living room to watch some porn.

He sat down on the couch, watching the screen unblinkingly as he mechanically lifted the fork to his mouth again and again. He didn't taste the food, nor did he really see the screen. He had properly put himself into that fuzzy frame of mind where nothing was really happening, and he could just go blank for a while.

When the vidphone rang, he nearly stabbed himself in the cheek with the fork.

He moved like an old man, putting the plate down on the coffee table and getting up. He didn't want to talk to anyone, but he certainly didn't want to talk to either of the people who might have been calling him. If it was Quatre, he didn't want to pretend to be interested long enough to carry off the conversation, and if it was Catherine, he didn't want to have to be rude to her to make her leave him alone.

The number of the caller helpfully blinked, and Trowa sighed as he moved out of the line of the camera's eye. He never let anyone see him when he talked on the vidphone.

"Hello, Catherine."

"Trowa! It's so good to hear your voice... Can I see you?"

"No." He briefly considered elaborating, but before he could come to a conclusion, his 'sister' continued without him.

"Oh. How is it going? What did you have for dinner tonight?"

Trowa didn't even bother trying to remember what he had been eating. Instead, he tried to remember what he had told her the last time she called. "Beef Stroganoff."

"Good, good... So, how's work?"

Work was the same. Work was always the same. Why did she even bother asking? It's not like anyone was going to allow him to change. "The same."

"Did you talk to Quatre this week?"

He flinched, involuntarily, and then chastised himself for doing so. "Yesterday."

"How's he? It's been ages since I've seen him."

"Then you should call _him_." He didn't want to be short with her. Catherine was the closest thing he was ever going to get to a family. But, if he wasn't mean, he knew from experience, she would never get off the phone.

"I... Sorry. How was therapy?"

"I don't discuss my therapy with anyone, Catherine." It was the same thing he said to her every week when she called, but she apparently enjoyed the repartee they had developed, and never wished to deviate from the script.

"Did you go to the gym this week?"

"No."

"The circus has been really packed lately. We're on one of those newly rebuilt colonies, and they haven't had any live entertainment since they rehabitated. I guess everyone considers it part of their civic duty to support traveling entertainers, you know, to encourage more cultural events. It's amazing, really, being considered a cultural event! Let me tell you, it's a damn sight better reception than we usually get! I think I've met everyone who lives in the colony... we even went to the schools to show them some of our acts, and do some hands on demonstrations. There was this one boy, I think he might be gunning for your job with the lions..."

"I'm busy, Catherine."

"Oh." He could hear her face crumple. 

He didn't want to hurt her. She was the only person who really cared about him, but... Catherine didn't know him. She couldn't. She wouldn't let herself.

"I... I don't want to keep you. I'll email you with all the circus news."

He nodded, even though he knew she couldn't see.

"We all miss you, Tro."

'But you were the one who wanted me to take this job, Cathy,' he thought. 'You were the one who thought I would be safer here, with my therapist and my privacy. You thought I needed space, and to be closer to my friends, to people who _understood_ me. That's what you thought, so since _you_ thought it, _you_ decided it was right, _that's_ what I did. I didn't want to leave the circus. I wanted to stay there. I wanted to...' He didn't bother to finish that thought. It wasn't going to take him anywhere. "Talk to you later, then."

"Bye." He saw just a flash of her as she hung up, her eyes down.

A drowning sense of nothing filled him, and for a moment, which stretched, he could do nothing but stare at the blue screen of the vidphone. 

With an abrupt, almost violent gesture, he disconnected, and went back to the futon. 

The movie had gotten to the part he hated the most, when the girls were pleasuring the man. He was fat, and hairy, with a slightly receding hairline and ugly, wet eyes. He turned the tv off, and put his back down on the couch, and stared at the way the lights from the street danced on the ceiling. They moved for hours, and then there were fewer and fewer of them, until there was none at all for long, long stretches.

When the pale, useless light of the predawn filtered in, he closed his eyes long enough for the light to get bright enough to annoy.

Getting up with a groan, Trowa pushed his hands throw his hair roughly. Another day.

After a too-quick shower and some yogurt for breakfast, he flipped through his personal calendar. He never had much scheduled, but he had trouble keeping one day separate from another in his head, so he needed the calendar to remind him of his few obligations.

In square letters written with a red ink pen, the word Appointment was next to 2:00pm. Trowa nearly groaned.

His therapy sessions used to be on Tuesdays, which was nice, because by the middle of the week, it was already over with, but on Monday he had gotten a call to reschedule his regular appointment for Thursdays. He had spent most of Monday night whiting out the Tuesday notations, and adding Thursday notations, and then had promptly forgotten it.

Losing any zeal he may have been able to work up for the day, he sighed and left, neglecting to put on a tie.

He also forgot to tell his supervisor that he needed to leave until 1:20, when he was getting ready to go, but it didn't matter much. His job title was Data Supervisor, but he may as well have been called Mindless Mouse Pusher for all the good he did. On the bus on the way to the doctor's office, he had forgotten to slip his Preventers tag into his pocket, so three people smiled at him, nodding as if in thanks.

He ignored them, and then forgot to put the tag away again.

He had trouble getting off the bus for his stop, with all the people getting on the bus, but he jumped just as the doors were closing, landing awkwardly on the curb.

If he had fallen, he might have torn his shirt, but no such luck.

It was a three-block walk to the doctor's office building. Trowa moved slowly, passing people whose faces he couldn't see, his whole thought process wrapped around the notion of putting one foot in front of the other. The sunlight bothered his eyes, so he kept his chin down, and his hair almost completely covered his face.

The ride up the to the fifteenth floor was unbearable. The music in the elevator had been carefully crafted to the be most annoying sound that was nearly entirely unlike the Beatles' 'Yesterday' as sound could be while still pretending to be 'Yesterday.' Trowa felt he was quite valiant in his effort to refrain from ripping the carpeting off the wall of the elevator, but it was hard.

The walk from the elevator to the office took precisely seventeen steps, if he measured his steps so that each stride covered two and a half squares of tile. The knob of the door was brass, in need of shining. It had to be turned sharply, or else it didn't catch.

All in all, everything in the last twenty-four hours had proceeded in exactly the same way that any other twenty-four hour period had proceeded, ever since he started the Preventers job and started therapy.

After he opened the door, nothing was the same.

He stood there with his hand still on the knob for a long minute. Normally, the waiting room in the doctor's office was empty. It was a small, narrow room, ornately decorated in rich, red woods and thick, green plush furniture. There wasn't even usually a receptionist, as the doctor prided himself on discretion, and appointments and payments were handled through the patient's workplace. Appointments were scheduled twenty minutes apart, so there was virtually no chance of running into anyone at the office.

He came very highly recommended by the Preventers.

So, when Trowa saw Duo Maxwell standing in the waiting room, looking at a picture on the wall, staring back at him with the same look of shock on his face, it was something of a surprise.

He stepped inside, and let the door swing shut slowly on its own. 

The first actual thought that went through his head was how different Duo looked. He remembered Duo being gregarious, a bit over-confident, with an annoyingly persistent smile, and that he was modest. Quatre had told him that, even in desert, Duo always wore long pants and at least two shirts. He might roll up his sleeves, and open up the neck of his shirt, but he was always covered.

So to see Duo, looking a bit thin and pale, wearing a baseball t-shirt with black sleeves and red front and back that was possibly a child size two, and low on the hips leather pants was, again, a bit of a surprise. The thin ribbon of Duo-flesh peeking out where his pants and shirt didn't meet was almost tantalizing in a way that Trowa could feel at the base of his spine.

Since when had Duo Maxwell been attractive?

Trowa cleared his throat, but he still didn't know what to say. There had to be some mistake.

"There has to be some mistake." Duo was fidgeting, his arms folded around his waist as he tried to hide his exposed belly. "Er, but I got a call rescheduling my appointment. This is the right time, I'm sure."

Trowa shrugged, not committed enough to any idea to speak.

"There's no mistake." Dr. Clarkson smiled genially from his office door. "I'm sorry that I changed things without notice, but... Please, come in. I think you two know each other?"

Neither young man moved for a second, not knowing whether to stare at the doctor or at each other. Almost suddenly, Duo sighed, and, shaking his head, took the first step to the door. "Well, Doc, I guess you know what you're doing. Although, if you're afraid of being left alone with us, I don't think you've really improved things."

There was a suggestive tone to Duo's voice, and although Trowa couldn't see his face, he could see the way Dr. Clarkson looked away, seemingly embarrassed. Distrustfully, Trowa followed, keeping his arms folded over his chest.

"Well, well... this is good." Dr. Clarkson still didn't look up as he sat down, arranging his papers and gathering his pens so that he wouldn't have to look at the other men, who were figuring out how to share the couch without having to come in contact with one another. "I should have warned you, but I think this is good, too. You know each other, of course, I've already said that... I think that you can benefit from each other's experiences. You two aren't that different you know, and I think that you can help each other more than anything else. Well. Yes."

Trowa stared straight ahead, pretending not to notice the way that Duo seemed to be laughing with his body language. He also pretended not to notice the way that Duo stretched out on his end of the couch, flipping his long braid over his shoulder so that it lay over his chest, landing conspicuously over his crotch. He bristled at the thought of being compared to Duo Maxwell, but he sure as hell wasn't about to let on that he did, and the very notion that Duo, of all people, would be able to help him...

Trowa's brow knit, and he glared straight ahead, doing his best to distance himself from this indignity. 

"Now, I know this is unorthodox," Dr. Clarkson wheedled, taking in his patient's expressions. "But just think of this as a test. Just another step in the therapeutic process. If you are uncomfortable, we can discuss this, but I really feel this is the best thing for both of you. As such, I expect your cooperation."

Duo's eyes narrowed, and Trowa was almost glad for a moment that it was Duo who was enduring this with him, as Duo would certainly speak out for the both of them.

"In other words, Doc, you don't intend to sign off to let the Preventers know that we are being good little boys and tending to our damaged psyches unless we sit still and do as you say. That could be called blackmail, you know..." Duo's voice dropped into a low, seductive register as he kept talking, dropping his chin so that he delivered his mild accusation while looking through his long bangs.

Dr. Clarkson adjusted his position in the chair uncomfortably. "Now, Duo, let's not get into any nasty details. I _do_ think this would be for the best, so I don't think we can call this extortion. You _do_ both work for the Preventers, and yes, you do both need my release to keep working... But we should focus on our _goals_ , not our obstacles. The goal here is better mental health, and given your shared past... er, in the war, I think that this sort of group therapy method would be most effective. Now. Let's talk about our weeks. Trowa, how are things going?"

Trowa continued to sit and glare at the doctor. There wasn't even anything he could think of to say. He was basically stuck in this situation. He hadn't even wanted to talk to Dr. Clarkson, but because of Catherine and his job, he was forced to; and now he had to add Duo to the mix, and why was Duo even _in_ therapy? He was never lacking in people to fawn over him...

Apparently, Trowa had taken long enough to mull the question, because Dr. Clarkson tapped his pen impatiently against his clipboard. "Trowa. Remember what we've discussed about trust. You have to let other people in."

Duo snorted, and looked disgustedly at the ceiling. 

Trowa chose to ignore him. "Fine."

"E-Excuse me?" Dr. Clarkson questioned, confused.

"You asked how things were. I said fine." Trowa's level gaze never wavered, and neither did his voice.

Duo seemed amused, because he smiled and nodded approvingly, which only made Trowa feel more rigid.

Dr. Clarkson frowned, and started scratching the paper with his pen. "Hm. How have you been sleeping? Have you had any nightmares?"

Trowa considered his sleeping patterns to be personal information, and Duo obviously agreed as he narrowed his eyes and glared at the doctor as if he were the enemy. Just as he was beginning to work past the catch in his throat so that he could speak, something rather unexpected happened.

Duo started to yawn, and as he did, he stretched his arms above his head and arched his back and angled his hips upward, so that his head tipped back over the edge of the couch. As he did so, his shirt rode up, until his entire stomach and a good portion of his upper chest was visible. When he relaxed, he kept his head tilted back, and his body was still draped over the couch, so his shirt didn't fall back into position. His arms slowly fell back into place, and as they did, his hands ran over his face and down his chest, until they flopped in between his legs. He resituated himself, lifting one leg up and tucking the other one under, so that he was sitting in half Indian style. He then picked up the end of his braid and started to play with it.

Trowa hadn't realized that Dr. Clarkson was so distracted by Duo's little show until he heard the pen hit the floor. The good doctor didn't seem to notice though, as he was staring glassy-eyed at Duo.

Duo smirked and raised an eyebrow triumphantly at Trowa.

Confused, Trowa just sat back and relaxed a little.

It was a good half a minute later before Dr. Clarkson came out of his reverie. "Oh! Um, where were we?"

"Well, Trowa and I were just sitting here while you went off and had one of your little fantasies." Duo smirked playfully, flicking the hairs at the end of his braid absently.

Dr. Clarkson flushed a brilliant red, and started to make a long series of unintelligible noises as he reshuffled his papers, his head bent down as he searched for his pen. Once he was pretty well back in order, he sighed, and tried again, keeping his head down. "All right, Mr. Maxwell, how about you? How many drinks did you have this week?"

"I don't know. I lost count around Sunday. And don't call me Mr. Maxwell. It's very off-putting." Duo grinned casually, twisting around a little so he could lean the side of his face on the top of the couch. "Do you mind if I have a smoke?"

"Yes." Dr. Clarkson spoke sharply, his fingers clutching the clipboard tightly. "Did you see your lover this week?"

Duo rolled his eyes. "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, he's not my lover, he's my fuckbuddy. And yes, I did. Shall I describe it?" Duo's left hand slipped down to his lap, where his thumb began to caress the inner seam of his pants.

Dr. Clarkson's eyes were riveted to that thumb. He had to swallow four times before he was able to speak. "Do you have any new bruises?"

"I'm not sure," Duo responded, his face imitating confusion. "Would you like to check?"

The doctor definitely wanted to check, if his expression was any indication. Clearing his throat, the doctor began to once again shuffle through the papers. Trowa wondered what they were. Perhaps he was shuffling through pictures of naked people. Maybe they were pornographic letters. Maybe they were his tax forms.

Duo smiled shyly at Trowa as the doctor continued to evade their eyes. Trowa didn't feel inclined to acknowledge it, but it was a friendly gesture. It was exactly the sort of thing the Duo did all the time during the war that annoyed Trowa so much. Quatre, he could understand. It was, presumably, easy to be genial and kind when one has lived in the lap of luxury, surrounded by loving family all one's life. But Duo was open and charming, and he had grown up an orphan on L2. That just wasn't right.

"How is work going?"

The question jarred both the young men on the couch. Since Trowa seemed as likely to speak as the coffee table, Duo spoke up first. "Fine. Same boring shit. I've been there every day, right on time, like a good boy should."

Trowa nodded, hoping that would alleviate any need on his part to actually say something. 

Dr. Clarkson frowned. "Have you had any incidents with your superior?"

Duo scowled. "No."

"There's a report. He said that you used offensive language."

"I called him a prick, but it wasn't an incident. It wasn't even on Preventers time." Duo folded his arms over his chest protectively, and his whole posture changed from lazily seductive to cornered animal.

"Did you call him a name?"

"Do you even care what the circumstances are? Does it matter what _he_ said? He only wants to keep me on report so that I can't get out of that garage. He can keep me stuck there, and then I can do all his work, and he doesn't have to worry about me becoming _his_ superior."

"Duo, you can't advance until you demonstrate that you've reformed. You haven't been able to go two months without skipping work or showing up drunk or hung over. You are the one that has the power to improve yourself, but you have to admit responsibility first."

Duo huffed, blowing air out to move his bangs out of his eyes. "I'm not responsible for him being a fat lazy prick."

Trowa nearly wanted to smile. It _was_ true. Half the Preventers who weren't in the field were either ex-Oz or ex-Alliance officers and enlisted men and women who were unqualified for their positions, really, but their former rank carried more weight than it should. In fact, when the Preventers had initially been formed, they had been in such need of people who were used to military-style hierarchy that anyone who had been in Oz, the Alliance, or even White Fang was admitted, as long as they passed the psychological profile. As the organization was growing, and more new recruits were coming in, many of these people were in fear for their job. Trowa's boss was like that too, promoting people who made him look good while more qualified and skilled people were given bad reviews.

Dr. Clarkson appreciated the sentiment far less, however. "Duo, this attitude of yours isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to start putting aside these resentments that only foster your negative behaviors."

Duo rolled his eyes. "Doc, I appreciate your attempts to crawl inside my head, but I'm not copping an attitude here! The guy's a prick. It's not any more or less true because I said it. He wants to write me up, that's his business, I guess. It doesn't bother me."

"But it will keep you from ever getting a chance to get back your pilot's license." Dr. Clarkson tapped his pen against the clipboard, looking at Duo over the rim of his glasses in a disapproving manner.

Trowa looked from Dr. Clarkson to Duo. That was very interesting. Trowa had lost his license, too, and it was a sore subject for him. There was something particularly galling about being denied a piece of paper to fly a shuttle when you once manned a Gundam.

Duo clearly felt the same way, as a nasty expression crossed over his face. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Duo tipped his head back and looked to the ceiling. Reading the cracks for clues as to how to react, Duo scratched an itch above his collarbone. By putting his hand under his shirt at the waist and lifting the hem all the way up to his neck.

When he was done, he met Dr. Clarkson in the eye, or, rather, he tried to, as Dr. Clarkson was still staring at his one exposed nipple. 

"I guess you're right. I've got a bad attitude and I'm destroying my life and it's all my fault. But it could be worse, right? I mean, at least I'm not a disgusting pervert." Duo's voice was steady and calm, and Trowa felt a little reflected triumph.

Dr. Clarkson kept himself from falling out of his chair, but his papers weren't so lucky. At least the act of picking them up, and _again_ reshuffling them, afforded him the opportunity to hide his face.

"Well." The doctor spoke in clipped tones. "It appears that our hour is up. This will be the regular time from now on. We'll see each other next week."

"Doc?" Duo didn't make the slightest effort toward moving. When the doctor continued to ignore him, he began again. "Don't forget our reviews."

Dr. Clarkson got up angrily, and went to his desk. Marking a few papers quickly, he turned back, holding one sheet out to each man. "Here. Next week."

Duo bounced up brightly. "Thanks, Doc!" Winking, he took his form and headed off to the reception area.

Trowa got up much more slowly, and took his form deliberately. He turned away and walked out, his shoulders back as his demeanor dismissed the doctor from his attention.

In the hallway, Duo was waiting, holding the elevator for Trowa. He didn't bother to say anything, though, which Trowa was grateful for, even though he distrusted Duo's silence.

When they were leaving the building, Duo turned to Trowa and spoke for the first time. "Which way are you going?"

Trowa shrugged, indifferently, and pointed vaguely to the west. 

Duo grinned. "Me too. Hold up a sec." He pulled out a packet and a lighter from an inner pocket in his long trench. As soon as he had the cigarette lit, he replaced the packet and the lighter, and cinched his trench shut as if he were embarrassed to be seen dressed as he was. "Er, look, sorry 'bout in there. I mean, if I made you uncomfortable... When I first started this therapy crap, it was pretty intolerable. Then I figured out that the good doc is a pervy old man, and that made the sessions go a lot easier. I think he must have figured that if he had the two of us together, he could control things better, but it seems to me like he's just doubled his trouble." Duo shrugged, still smiling. "Anyway, I'm sorry. I don't mean to come off so..."

"Slutty?" Trowa sniffed the air curiously. Duo's cigarettes were potent.

Duo flinched, and cast his eyes aside. "Yeah. Sorry."

Trowa shrugged. He couldn't precisely figure out why he was even having this conversation with Duo. "What are you smoking?"

"Oh." Duo held out the thin, dark cigarette. "It's a clove cigarette. They're just as stinky and unhealthful as nicotine cigarettes, but more artistic and elitist. Want one?"

"No." Trowa started to walk, his gait slow and steady. He wasn't surprised, exactly, that Duo was following him, but he was a little surprised that it didn't annoy him that much. 

"It's been a long time." Duo spoke slightly fondly as they walked. "I haven't even heard anything about you in years. Are you and Quatre still close?"

Trowa carefully stored away his reaction so that even he couldn't see it. "Not so much. He got married... He doesn't have a lot of free time anymore. His wife is expecting another boy in a few months."

"Quatre is married... to a woman? Really?" Duo laughed, once. "And I thought he was a good colony boy... Guess it just goes to show, huh? Ya just never can tell... Oh well. Good for him." Duo nodded uncertainly. "I hope he's happy."

Trowa sifted through proper responses. "I'm surprised you and he didn't keep in touch. His wedding was strictly family, but I thought the two of you were friends."

Duo watched Trowa for a moment, measuring Trowa's intentions, perhaps. "We were. We did keep in touch for a while. Things happen."

Trowa nodded. It certainly was true.

They slowed down as they neared the bus stop. "So, do you mind if I ask what got you stuck in therapy?"

Trowa watched Duo now, measuring his intentions. Duo's eyes were open and clear, as always, and he patiently waited for Trowa to answer, not pressuring him at all. Trowa wondered at himself, that he was even bothering humoring Duo. "I tried to kill myself." He spoke quickly and low, so that only Duo could hear.

Duo nodded once, his expression unchanged.

Trowa was relieved at Duo's lack of judgment. "You?" It seemed polite to reciprocate.

"Drugs." Duo smiled bitterly. "I've been clean for over a year now, but still. You know. Hoops to jump through and all."

Trowa nodded, understanding.

"Say, you got plans?"

Trowa stopped, and turned to look at Duo blankly.

The other man just blithely continued to smile in that way that had always annoyed Trowa so much during the war. "I made a lasagna last night. It's pretty good... but you can only make a lasagna one size, ya know? And I won't finish it before it starts to lose its flower, if ya know what I mean. So, you wanna come over for some lasagna?"

Duo's hands were still in his pockets, and his whole manner was so casual, it really seemed like he didn't care one way or another what Trowa said. Since Duo didn't particularly want him to come over, Trowa nodded once in assent.

Duo shrugged. "'Kay. We'll take the 14 bus, then. That's the one that goes by my place."

They walked the two blocks to Duo's bus stop silently, Duo walking with a sloping pace and Trowa marching grimly. For the whole eight minutes that they waited, they didn't speak or even look at one another, and even though they sat next to each other, no one would have guessed that they knew each other.

Duo pulled the cord when they neared his stop, and they walked off the bus together, not paying the slightest bit of attention to each other.

Duo's neighborhood was nicer than his, Trowa noticed right away, although exactly _how_ it was nicer was not something he could identify precisely. They had to walk four blocks to Duo's building, which was a red brick U-shaped building. Duo lived on the third floor, and the stairs up to his place were bowed in the middle, so it was necessary to be careful walking up them. Duo didn't bother to check his mail, even though Trowa could see that the box marked D. Maxwell was full. 

Duo's braid swung back and forth as he walked, especially as he walked up the stairs, and Trowa had to control the impulse to grab it as it swished in front of him. It was much longer than it had been in the war, although it was only a few inches below Duo's ass, so it probably had been cut at some point, or perhaps trimmed regularly, or perhaps Duo's hair just grew very, very slowly.

Trowa scowled as he realized he was thinking a lot about Duo's hair.

Duo had to lean against the doorjamb to pry the keys out of his pocket. He had to jingle the keys around before he was able to unlock the door.

His apartment was messy, but not so much that it was disgusting. He had a lot of books and boxes and magazines and such stacked around, but there was plenty of room to walk around. There were plenty of bookshelves and cabinets and crates lined up against the wall, storing Duo's impressive collection of books, cds, dvds, a television, dvd player, stereo system, and game station. Across from the tv, against the other wall, was a wide, long brown plush couch with a low coffee table in front of it. On the coffee table, Duo had a large, full ashtray, four coasters, two empty glasses, and the latest magazines for cars, space ships, sports, and colony news.

Duo grinned as he watched Trowa examine the room. "Make yourself comfortable. I'm gonna change. These clothes... aren't really comfortable." 

Trowa wasn't sure if Duo was embarrassed or not, but the other man ducked his head and disappeared quickly. Trowa stood in the center of the room, eyeing the furniture as if he wasn't entirely sure he might not be attacked if he let his guard down. When enough time had passed for Trowa to become bored and reasonably certain Duo's couch wasn't going to lunge at him, he listlessly began circling the room, taking note of random bits of junk as he went. 

There was a bowl full of coins on top of a copy of A Clockwork Orange on the low bookshelf. There was a pair of yellow socks under the tv table. The throw bunched up between the top of the couch and the wall was flannel, and it had a stain of some sort on it, only just visible as it was all rolled up. One of the glasses on the coffee table had a distinct alcoholic tinge to it, and the other had a coffee stain on the edge.

There was a photograph of Heero and Relena on the wall between the hallway and the kitchen. Heero had his arm around Relena's waist. He was in a tuxedo, and Relena was wearing a fancy ball gown. Relena was grinning from ear to ear, her whole face beaming, and Heero was glaring lazily into the camera.

"That's from their engagement party." Duo was slouched against the wall next to Trowa, wearing a black long sleeved shirt and baggy black jeans. Trowa did a good job of ignoring the fact that Duo showed up totally silently. "I'm surprised that you weren't there."

Trowa hadn't realized that Heero and Relena were engaged. "I'm surprised that you are so casual about it."

Duo responded with a cheeky grin and a raised eyebrow.

"I was under the impression you were more... invested in Heero." Trowa leaned back on his feet, his eyes half-closed in vague disdain.

"Ah." Duo cocked his head to the side, examining the picture critically. "I am, I suppose. That's why I always wished it could work out between them. I always felt like... she had something that he needed, something he didn't understand. And they were both so innocent... I really wanted them to click."

Trowa lowered his chin so he could examine Duo from under his bangs. "What makes you think it _won't_ work between them? You just said they were engaged."

"Yeah, but he's been fucking me for three years." Duo sighed. "So, you hungry? It'll just take me a minute to heat up the lasagna."

Trowa watched Duo slouch off to the kitchen, blinking. After a moment of stupefied inaction, he decided to follow, simply because he couldn't think of anything else to do in this situation.

He watched Duo pull the lasagna out of the refrigerator, humming to himself as he loosened the tin foil cover. Duo tilted his head from side to side as he moved, making his braid sway gently like the limp limbs of a willow tree in the breeze. Trowa sat down solidly at the kitchen table. Duo slid the lasagna into the small oven, fussing over the dials before he turned to set the table. Two white paper napkins with pale blue watering cans in a hexagonal pattern, two forks and knives, the kind with the rounded fake wooden handle over the long end, two beveled glasses, and two thin porcelain plates with a thin blue lines at the edges were each set down in turn as Duo spun efficiently through the kitchen.

"If you are Heero's lover, why is he marrying Relena?" Trowa had waited to speak until he could eliminate any trace of bitterness, which left his voice sounding dull and flat.

Duo smiled. "Heero is _not_ my lover. That would imply that there was 'love', or there was 'affection', or that he 'makes love' to me or something like that. I said he fucks me and that's what I meant. As for why they are getting married..." Duo stepped over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine, half empty. "Do you like red wine?"

Trowa shrugged.

Duo stepped over and poured each of them a half a glass of wine. Trowa watched him, almost disbelieving, as if he was certain that Duo was going to pull out actual wine glasses right up to the moment when the liquid hit the bottom of the tumblers. 

"It's a marriage of convenience. See, everyone expects Relena to get married. That's what good girls _do_. They watch their fathers get murdered, they take over their father's job when they are still children, they become dress-up dolls for old men, then they become the people's bitch, work 'til they're old prematurely and they lose all their idealism, and then they get married and pop out kids to continue the cycle." 

Duo, remarkably, spoke without the slightest suggestion of cynicism. "She doesn't want to marry Heero," Duo continued sadly, "but he's the logical choice. See, everyone can ooh and ah over what an amazingly sexy and powerful young couple of world conquering heroes they are, and Relena can keep pushing back the actual wedding date because she's so busy being the people's bitch, and then she can announce that she's leaving public life to have a normal, quiet life, and a few discreet months later, they can dissolve the engagement and go about their merry business."

Trowa watched Duo carefully, measuring each word as he processed it all. "So how did you and Heero start fucking then?"

Duo blinked. "Well, that's a complicated question."

There was a moment of total silence, and then the timer dinged quietly.

Duo got up and pulled out the lasagna, putting it on the table between their plates, sliding off one of his oven mitts to use as a trivet. Trowa recognized it as one of those kits to make a meal that came complete with everything, including the pan. It wasn't big, and there was only half of it left, so Duo cut the remains in half and lifted a half to each of them. He didn't bother to set aside or throw away the now empty pan in the middle of the table, just sat down and took a long gulp of wine.

"Dig in."

They each made motions to cut up their lasagna and shovel it in their throats. It could probably stood to have been heated for longer, but it was at least lukewarm throughout, and anyway, neither was eating that much, though Duo did take a gulp of wine for each bite, no matter how half-hearted.

Trowa watched Duo eat and drink, watched the way Duo's mouth moved, opening for food, and the way his lips touched the glass to drink. He watched the way Duo's little upturned nose stayed above everything, and the way Duo's cheeks would puff out momentarily when they were full. He watched the way Duo kept his eyes on his plate, so they appeared half closed, and his short lashes seemed to curtain his eyes. He watched Duo push his bangs out of his face thoughtlessly twice.

"I never liked you during the war." It sounded completely clinical, as if Trowa were discussing the weather, and he was a little disappointed to see that the cold front wasn't going to be lifting any time soon.

Duo met Trowa's eyes, the right corner of his mouth curling up just enough. "I know. I always liked you okay though."

Trowa blinked, and watched as Duo pushed some lasagna around his plate.

"Damn, do you ever feel like eating is just a chore? You have to make each meal, and shovel it in, and chew, and swallow, and clean up... and then do it all over again a few hours later. It's like some torturously evil way to mark off time in life." Duo regarded his forkful of noodles and sauce and cheese and meat with utter repulsion.

Trowa looked down at his plate of demolished but barely touched lasagna. "I preferred military rations."

"Me, too," Duo smiled at his wine glass, "but they don't sell those anymore, not really. They have those energy bars, but they're too..."

"Yuppie."

"Exactly. Always 'flavored' and 'sweetened'," Duo shook his head, trying to release the memory perhaps.

"They have the ones with chocolate chunks even," Trowa added, clearly less than impressed. "What's the point of a health food if you are going to put chocolate in it?"

"I hate those most of all," Duo replied, blankly, taking a long gulp of wine. "Well, the good thing about eating is, it gives you an excuse to drink."

"Do you need an excuse to drink?"

"No!" Duo laughed, "but I don't like to drink wine unless I'm eating something. Red wine is supposed to be good for you."

"Not that much." Trowa regarded Duo's half a tumbler of wine, quickly diminishing with distrust.

"No, that's true." Duo smiled and finished off the glass quickly. 

He stood up and cleared his own plate, sliding the rest of his lasagna into the trash. He put his dishes into the dishwasher without even rinsing them. He took Trowa's dishes as well, since Trowa's arms were folded in his lap, and Trowa wondered idly if he should offer to help.

"Do you mind if I ask you what it is about me that you dislike so much? I mean, we're kinda stuck together, so..."

Trowa watched Duo fill up the soap dispenser in the dishwasher, even though it wasn't even half full. His eyes unfocused as he watched Duo's hands move over the dishwasher controls. "Everything always came so easily to you. People always like you. You and Quatre made friends right away, Wu Fei always said you weren't that bad... I spent months nursing Heero back from the dead." Trowa's eyes narrowed as he relived that past rejection. "I followed him all over, helping him as he foolishly sought out his redemption. I catered to his every whim. And I would ask him if he wanted to eat Italian, and do you know what he would say? 'Duo likes sausage on his pizza.' He'd talk about you all the time, without any provocation."

Duo started, but didn't interrupt Trowa as he spoke. The longer Trowa went uninterrupted, the easier it was to let it out. He hadn't even thought about these things in years.

"When Heero went underground after the first war, he gave us all contact information, but you were the only one he saw. When he realized Relena was in danger, _you_ were the one he went to for help. You weren't even a trained soldier, just a good pilot, but _you_ were the one he trusted. _You_ were the one he preferred. 

"He couldn't even hit you without you hitting him first." Trowa looked up, as if that was the last and final piece of evidence.

Duo laughed briefly, sharply. "You're jealous of me because Heero likes me better than you? Hey, you can have him if you want 'im. And he got over that hitting thing, so don't worry."

Trowa blinked as Duo loafed into the living room. 

"Hey, you wanna watch a movie?"

Still stunned, Trowa got up and followed Duo, standing uselessly by the couch as Duo flipped through his dvds. 

"What do you wanna watch? Violence? Sex? Violent Sex?"

"Something that ends badly." Trowa sat, curling himself slightly against the arm of the couch.

Duo smiled. "I got just the thing." He popped in the disk and went to sit at the other end of the couch. "Do you mind if I smoke?" 

Trowa shrugged, shaking his head. 

Duo pulled out a bottle of vodka from next to the couch, and poured it into the glass with the coffee stain. He wordlessly offered Trowa some, but Trowa shook his head negatively once.

They watched the movie silently, Duo smoking four of his cigarettes, and going through three glasses of vodka, finishing off the bottle. They watched the last credit roll by, their eyes glazed.

"So. Therapy next week." Duo rested his chin on the cushion between them, his eyes still on the screen as the credit for the dvd company came up.

Trowa nodded, considering. "I suppose... if things get... intolerable, we could use each other. To distract him. Since he's a pervert and all."

Duo blinked, surprised. "You wouldn't mind?"

"I don't really have anything slutty to wear though." Trowa sounded apologetic as he looked at Duo.

Duo flushed, chewing on the edge of the cushion lightly. "That's ok. You're dead sexy, no matter what. Cool."

Trowa blinked four times, trying to process what Duo had said. But then Duo was getting up, so he decided to not bother. 

"Want me to call a cab?"

Trowa stood, sticking his hands in his pockets. "No. I'm good."

"Okay." Duo smiled, and it struck Trowa that when he did, and his eyes were in it, Duo was really breathtaking.

Then he decided that he didn't just think that.

"Okay. Next week."

"Next week." Duo opened the door for him, and Trowa stepped into the chilled night air, not bothering to huddle.

He walked away without looking to see if Duo was watching him or if he was waving goodbye.


	2. Chapter 2

Over the weekend, Trowa cleaned his apartment. This mostly consisted of him spending fifteen minutes wiping an object clean, and then a half an hour staring at the object, as if to dare it to become dirty again. It took him six hours to wash his kitchen floor.

He didn't go into the bathroom. He never cleaned his bathroom. He had one of those things you put in the toilet tank to keep it clean, and he always wiped down the sink and tried to wipe down the bath tub, but he never actually _cleaned_ in there.

He hated the bathroom, which was a large part of why he was drawn to spend so much time in there.

He tried to watch some cartoons on Sunday night to reward himself for all his work, but he couldn't focus, and ended up watching some more porn.

The only time he thought of Duo Maxwell was on Sunday afternoon, when Quatre called. He thought of telling Quatre that he had seen Duo, but as usual, he was too busy listening to really think of saying anything.

On Monday, he combed his hair slowly, becoming mesmerized by the movement of the comb through his hair, and he nearly missed the bus. He lost a form he was supposed to fill out, and it took most of his day finding a new one, and filling out the form for when you lost forms.

On Thursday, he was almost glad that he was going to therapy. For the first time, he didn't feel like he was going to go to the dentist to get his jaw removed. 

At least today, when something came up that he wasn't prepared to deal with, Duo could just act slutty, and distract the doctor.

This time, when he opened the door, he found Duo sitting in the sole chair in the waiting room, wearing a loose violet shirt that was nearly black, and another pair of tight black leather pants. As Trowa closed the door behind him, he noted that when the light hit Duo's shirt just right, it was slightly transparent.

They didn't even nod at each other in greeting.

Inside the doctor's office, they sat close together on the couch, so that only a thin sliver of couch was visible between them. When Dr. Clarkson wanted to know when the last time Duo had been to church was, Duo's hand strayed over from his side of the sliver of couch to rest on Trowa's knee. When the doctor wanted to know if Trowa felt remorse for what Catherine had gone through, he appeared to take his time in answering, as he stretched out his arm to rest it behind Duo's head. Duo leaned back a little, and Trowa's thumb ran up and down the line of Duo's neck, from his collarbone to the back of his ear. He had chanced upon a sensitive spot on Duo's body, because as he did, Duo shivered, his eyes closing in pleasure.

Dr. Clarkson had forgotten his question by the time he had been brought back to his senses.

Leaving the doctor's office, Trowa had the swelling sense of success, as if they had penetrated an enemy's defenses, and were currently looting the enemy's supply cabinet for paper clips.

He was so satisfied with the session, he actually listened to Duo chat with him as the elevator slipped down, and even found himself asking Duo over for dinner as they walked to the bus.

Duo was only slightly less shocked than he was when the invitation was offered, but he accepted quickly, and with one of those smiles that Trowa hated so much. As they walked to the bus, and waited for it to come, they didn't speak, so Trowa had plenty of time to analyze the situation.

Just as they got to the stop before his, he decided that he was simply reciprocating a gesture. That thought calmed him enough to ask Duo if he wanted to pick up Thai food or Mexican.

If Duo had any reaction to the implication that Trowa had no food at home worth offering a guest, he certainly didn't betray it, although Trowa did think that he was too busy keeping his black trench closed completely over his clothes that he might be a bit distracted. They decided on Thai food.

The first thing Duo noticed about Trowa's building was the floor. The tile in the lobby, and in the halls, was an old, intricately patterned mosaic. Duo's complete delight at finding it brought a lightness to Trowa's expression. The tile had been the main reason Trowa had picked to live in this building.

They rode the elevator up, even though Trowa only lived on the third floor, because Trowa never took the stairs. He was leery of stairwells that had large openings in the middle; they were too tempting.

Once inside the apartment, Duo quietly looked around, stepping away from Trowa and helping himself to a tour of the place. Trowa slipped into the kitchen to get some plates, cutlery, and glasses. He didn't have a lot, but then, he never needed more than for himself, so he had to wash one fork before he was able to equip both of them.

When he got back out to the living room, Duo was standing in front of his wall of porn disks. Trowa silently set up the coffee table for dining, setting the small cartons of food in front of each of their dishes precisely.

"Man, Tro, you really have a lot of porn."

Trowa only looked up at Duo's back in response.

"I hope you are fully stocked in lotion, man." Duo turned to grin at Trowa, although he was clearly a little nervous.

Trowa considered what Duo said carefully, making sure he understood before speaking. "I don't ever masturbate."

Duo nearly fell over from shock. "Never? You don't mean _never_ never, do you?"

Trowa merely blinked.

"Dude... I respect your restraint, then." Duo actually did look impressed. "Any reason why, or are you on some sorta spiritual quest?"

Trowa was amused by the concept of withholding for spiritual reasons. "I just find it... lacking."

Duo stared at him for what felt like ages before shrugging, and plopping down on the opposite side of the couch. "Well, then, what's the huge collection for?"

Trowa eyed his disks distrustfully. "I don't find them arousing. They're disgusting, actually."

Duo laughed quietly, shaking his head. "So, naturally, you had to collect them."

Trowa watched Duo as he smiled. It was curious how there were times when Duo would smile, and it would be so thin, it was repellent, and other times when he smiled, and it made everything seem better.

They ate in the same manner, mixing the noodles and sauce and occasionally taking a bite, but mostly shifting the contents of the plates around so they wouldn't appear conspicuous as they didn't eat.

Trowa considered asking Duo if he wanted to take his coat off, but he figured Duo was more comfortable with it on.

"So. What sort of drugs did you take?" Trowa set his plate down warily, almost as if he suspected it might try to leap up and force him to eat, so his eyes were on the plate on the table while Duo considered answering.

"Why, what d'ya got?" There was no humor in Duo's voice as he spoke, but there was a smile on his face that was entirely unfriendly.

Trowa leaned back, reasonably certain that the plate would not try to force food down his throat. 

Duo sighed, and put his own plate down. "How did you try to kill yourself?"

Trowa furrowed his brow. He didn't like to play games, and he wasn't even all that interested in Duo's former drug habit. But when he expected a sharp retort to come out, he actually said, "I cut my wrists. Well," he amended, honestly, "my forearms actually."

Duo winced, and Trowa was intrigued that the other man seemed to react so viscerally. "How many attempts?"

Trowa blinked six times before replying, "Twice. The first time... it was nothing, really. I just... I'm not entirely sure what happened. I didn't even have to go to the hospital, but Catherine wouldn't let me tend to my own wounds. The second time... I almost died."

Duo nodded, his eyes wide and vulnerable.

Trowa felt a pang of conscience, and he tucked his legs underneath himself gracefully. "Actually, I tried to kill myself during the war, too, but I don't think that counts, because fighting in a war is always in some degree a form of suicide."

Duo nodded twice, his movements very deliberate, even though they appeared to be unconscious. "Can I see?"

Trowa physically reacted to the question. He never thought about hiding his scars, but at the same time, his penchant for long sleeved shirts made that a moot point. No one ever wanted to see his scars. He didn't want to think about the last time Catherine saw them. 

A sense of dizzy nausea passed over him, and he wasn't even fully aware of the fact that he was pulling up his sleeves until Duo's hands touched him. Trowa watched Duo's fingers trace the white lines crisscrossing his forearms and wrists. Duo's fingers were exceptionally long and surprisingly adroit. They were rounded at the tips, and his fingernails were perfectly groomed, except for the tiniest thread of black around the nail that betrayed Duo's profession.

Duo sighed, and ran his hands up and down Trowa's forearms. "Does it ever scare you to see these?"

Trowa watched Duo carefully. It was a shock to see that Duo actually _cared_ so much for him. He imagined his reaction to seeing similar scars on Duo's body. He couldn't get a solid feel for what his reaction would be. "Sometimes. And sometimes... it scares me that it doesn't _always_ scare me."

Trowa frowned, bending his head down in thought. What was the good of getting out of therapy if he was going to admit things like this to Duo anyway?

"I took anything I could. I probably started out with E, and other 'party' crap, though, that point in my life... is a little foggy. I mean, it all kinda blurs together, and anyway, it wasn't all that long before I was into bigger and better things." Duo sighed, pulling his legs up so he could hide behind them. "I was on heroine for about... two years. Roughly."

Trowa wasn't sure what he was expecting, but it mustn't have been that. He didn't know exactly how to respond or react to that.

Duo leaned away from Trowa, and pretended to smile. "Well, should we play some truth or dare, or are we done with this bare-your-soul shit?"

Trowa regarded Duo. "You don't have to do that."

"What?" Duo moved nervously in place, still attempting to maintain his amused demeanor, but squinting one eye at Trowa at the same time. 

"You look better when you smile for real."

Duo stilled, and watched Trowa. "I don't want to bother people with my problems."

Trowa pulled his sleeves down slowly, his eyes locked on Duo from under his hair. "Still."

Duo relaxed against the couch, his head resting against the back of the couch, wearily. "Anyway, most people don't even notice." His eyes closed, and for second it appeared as if he was about to fall asleep.

Trowa's eyes came to rest on the long rope of hair that snaked down Duo's side. At the end of the braid, there was a fat inverted teardrop of hair ends that looked like a tassel. Trowa had a clinical desire to touch it, and brush it against his skin. He had a tangible vision of what it would feel like on his arms, as if Duo had touched him with his hair instead of his hands. "People always notice you."

The very corner of Duo's lips turned up, just a little, just enough so that they weren't in a straight line. "But they only see what they want to see."

"What should they see?" Trowa noticed that the lashes that were resting against Duo's cheeks were much darker than his hair, but were not actually black. It wasn't easy to see, unless the light hit them just right, but they were a deep brown.

Duo sighed, closing his eyes tighter until he let them open again. Trowa blinked when he saw how disturbed Duo's eyes were. "Heh. Nothing, I suppose."

Trowa nodded, and looked down at his hands. He was always very aware of how large his hands were, and how long his fingers were. It made the acrobatics he and Catherine had done in the circus possible, but it had made piloting a little cumbersome at times. He had never noticed, during the war, how lithe and supple Duo's hands were, but it made sense. There were times when Trowa felt like everyone noticed how big his hands were. "I don't like truth or dare."

Duo grinned, and it looked good. "Me neither. Let's watch some porn. D'ya have any guy on guy stuff?"

Trowa stood up, rather abruptly, and went to select a disk. "Are you a homosexual?"

Duo shrugged, even though Trowa had his back to him. "I've never been attracted to a girl before. I dunno. I don't like to think about women having sex. Madonna complex."

Trowa raised an eyebrow at him, but Duo just shrugged, dismissing it.

They watched the erotic adventures of a pair of sailors in the brig. Once the captain of the ship came down to discipline them, it got really risqué. 

At first, they just sat on the couch and watched, but as the movie went along, Duo started to wriggle and squirm. He kept looking at Trowa from the corner of his eye, and he was breathing heavily. 

Trowa found Duo's antics more entertaining than the porn, and watched him unabashedly while still facing the screen.

"You _never_ masturbate?" Duo sounded more than a little irritated.

"No."

"That's not natural, man."

Trowa considered. "No."

"...Mind if I use your bathroom?"

Trowa eyed Duo carefully. "Yes."

Duo sighed. "Then I'm gonna go home. You need to get some vanilla disks, I swear..."

Trowa got up after Duo, leaving the porn on carelessly. He almost forgot to offer Duo a cab, but Duo was so anxious to get going that he shook Trowa's halfhearted offer away cheerfully.

Afterwards, Trowa thought about what they had talked about while staring at the way the light from the tv danced over the floor in the darkened room. When the movie got to the end, he felt a strong desire to shower. As the hot water poured over his body, he tried very hard not to scrub his arms, but he couldn't pull the washcloth away. He kept his eyes closed as he washed, and he silently listed all the Preventers' employee policies one by one.

Before he left to sit in his bedroom window and watch the alley, he ran his fingers over his razor quickly.

As he stared down at the narrow alley, he remembered the pain of opening his skin, and how cold he had been when he had woken up in the hospital.

* * *

  


During their next therapy session, Duo slouched over the whole couch, and put his head in Trowa's lap. If he had wanted to, he wouldn't have been able to resist the urge to put his fingers in that hair, and playing with the loose ends around Duo's ears.

Dr. Clarkson's eyes were fixed on those loose trails of hair between Trowa's fingers, which ate up enough of the session to prevent Duo from having to answer Dr. Clarkson's questions about his feelings about death.

Afterwards, they went to Duo's apartment, where they ate some ramen and Duo showed Trowa how to play the latest role-playing game. After an hour, they were both so bored, they put the disk in Duo's computer, broke into the code, rewrote several characters, and spent most of the evening envisioning new and better ways to kill the bad guys and to let the good guys celebrate.

When Quatre called three days later, Trowa listened to him talk for nearly an hour. He stood next to the vidphone and picked at his nails. He thought about telling Quatre about Duo, but he never got an opportunity to speak. 

He concentrated at work at spending only the necessary amount of time visualizing his boss with a gaping chest wound. It meant spending more time staring at his screen saver than he had been, but he was willing to make the sacrifice. 

He took a nap over the weekend, which threw off his schedule. He had actually dreamed, and when he woke up, he wasn't sure what was real. He washed his hands in the bathroom sink for nearly an hour, scrubbing with detached panic. There was no blood on his hands before he started, but the water was so hot, and he scrubbed so hard, that he broke the skin before too long. Then he had to bandage his hands, and the effort of washing and bandaging left him too weary to do laundry. On Monday, he had to go to work in the shirt with a stain on the sleeve, which he felt was completely conspicuous. After work, he washed everything he owned twice, because when he was done, he thought he could still see the stain.

Trowa started to think about Duo at the strangest times. There was one point on Tuesday when he actually considered calling Duo. On Wednesday, he looked forward to seeing Duo again. He couldn't explain to himself why he felt that way, but he dismissed it quickly, deciding quickly that it was just because of the therapy.

That didn't fully explain why he told Duo things he tried hard not to ever think about, but he chose not to think about it.

Trowa was half way to work on the next Thursday when he realized he was wearing his best shirt and tie. He would have tried to figure out why he was dressing up for therapy, but he was fairly sure in a vague way that if he did, that would just open up a whole kettle of poisonous monkeys.

That session was the worst.

Dr. Clarkson was in a foul mood, and he kept his face down all the time, furiously scratching on his notepad in such a way that what he was writing couldn't possibly be legible. He started out by asking Trowa about his sister, which lead to questions about his childhood with the mercenaries. 

That lead to questions about the war, and the people that had died, or suffered during it, and that lead, naturally, to the suffering that had led two small boys to pilot Gundams.

And somehow, that lead back to questions about Maxwell Church.

Trowa watched Duo, fascinated by the tension that leaked out of the lithe body, almost as if Duo's flesh, partially exposed by his tight clothes, was visibly aching to be touched. It was difficult to listen to the doctor, cruelly riffling through their pasts, so instead he focused on the slim line of flesh between the back of Duo's shirt and the top of his tight jeans. The skin was pale and smooth, with ridges where Duo's spine split his back in the middle. Duo was even skinnier now than he was during the war, Trowa realized, almost sadly. He pictured Duo shooting heroine, tying a belt around his arm, and sticking a needle in his flesh.

He didn't even know that he had reached out until Duo's body shuddered from the contact of his hand on Duo's back. Duo's head turned to look at Trowa, and for a moment they just looked at each other, their eyes perfectly clear.

One corner of Duo's mouth crooked upwards.

Duo leaned into Trowa's body, so that he was resting under the shield of Trowa's arm, which was still around him. He turned his face into Trowa's shoulder, and pulled his legs up so that his knees were touching Trowa's thigh. He sighed dramatically, and spread his arm over Trowa's chest.

Dr. Clarkson stopped scratching on his notepad.

Duo pushed his face into Trowa's neck, and made a noise that was something that a moan may have produced if it had mated with a purr. Sighing, Duo scrunched his body closer to Trowa, cuddling up against the other man like he was a teddy bear.

Trowa cataloged all the sensations one by one, feeling them all very distinctly. There was the heat from Duo's body, pressed against his own, just warm enough to chase away any chills. There was the feeling of Duo's breath against his skin, like tiny tremors dancing on the surface of his body. There was the slight wetness of Duo's lips, touching his collarbone, which was neither hot nor cold. There was Duo's hand on his chest, the fingertips curled in just a little, so he could feel them individually. There was Duo's hair under his chin, ticklish and soft.

He remembered what it was like to touch and to hold someone, like someone remembers how to ride a bike after years of walking just by touching the handlebars. 

Trowa's hand drifted up to Duo's chin, lifting it gently with only his crooked index finger. Trowa's face moved down to meet Duo's slowly, and Trowa's eyes were latched upon the curve of Duo's nose as he leaned closer.

When their lips touched, it was almost a shock to both of them, and the kiss that resulted was almost entirely sweet, not deep enough to leave a taste on either of their palettes, but intimate enough to make Trowa shudder a little, lowering his head so that his hair effectively hid his face entirely.

Except that Duo's face was below his, and so he could see Trowa's open eyes clearly.

Dr. Clarkson's pen hit the ground with a weak, plastic clatter.

They rode down the elevator together in silence. Duo's fingers moved over each other anxiously, and Trowa imagined the cigarette that was soon to be within their grasp, and the scent of toxic cloves filled his nostrils painfully.

They were almost at the point where they would separate to go to their respective bus stops when Duo reached out and took Trowa's wrist.

"Hey."

Trowa turned, looking at Duo blandly, his eyes somewhat fixated on the wisp of hair around Duo's ears. 

"Thanks."

There was no way for Trowa to know if Duo was thanking him for the kiss or for interrupting the doctor's questions, although it seemed to be the same thing.

Trowa's face relaxed in response.

Duo grinned. "We should do that again, sometimes."

Trowa tipped his head to the side. "Same time next week, right?"

Duo smiled, and tapped his forehead with his finger in a lazy salute, his cigarette coming daringly close to his bangs. 

Trowa didn't bother to watch Duo walk away, although he did feel a slight annoyance on the bus going home that he was going to be alone that night.

* * *

  


He pointed and clicked for more than a half an hour before he was so completely bored, he thought he might simply die of it. The thought was so appealing, he continued his work for three more hours, but he failed to expire from understimulation.

Trowa then switched to solitaire. 

He was so busy ignoring the email alerts and trying to find the ace of spades, that when Duo dropped a greasy wrench on his desk, he nearly jumped.

"So, this is where you work. Why are the walls of the cube thing covered in fabric?" Duo sat down in the visitor chair in Trowa's cube, his legs stretched out in front of his hands folded neatly at his waist. 

Trowa blinked. "I think it's part of the torture."

Duo grinned slyly. "Well. Lunch?"

Trowa looked at the clock in the corner of his screen. He didn't usually take a lunch. "Sure."

Duo smiled broadly at all of Trowa's coworkers as he sauntered past, chatting Trowa up with each step. People stared, some with their mouths gaping open, but Trowa stared at the back of Duo's head, and ignored them.

Duo's braid was remarkably symmetrical, with very evenly spaced plaits all down the length of it, right down to Duo's little bum. 

Duo did have a nice rear, just plump enough to really get a hold of and squeeze. Not that Trowa intended to squeeze Duo's rear, but it did look inviting. And everyone in his office was going to think that he and Duo were lovers.

That thought did not make Trowa unhappy.

They walked to a park not far from the office building where Trowa worked. The sunlight was commonly bright, and it bothered Trowa enough to wish that he had sunglasses. Duo bought two hot dogs and two cokes from a vendor, and they went to go sit on a bench in the shade.

It was a bit late in the season for eating out of doors. There was just enough chill in the air to make it crisp, and it didn't take long sitting out there for the two young men to feel the air creeping under their skin. Neither cared that much.

Duo pulled out a small, thin flask of cheap whiskey from inside his jacket. He didn't bother to offer Trowa any, but he cheerfully filled his cup after he dumped half of the coke into the grass. 

Trowa turned the hot dog around several times before ascertaining that there were only the two ends, and that they were both the same. He contemplated biting it, but it felt very much like it had suffered enough.

"So, to what to I owe the pleasure?"

Duo grinned, lazily slouching in the bench. "It was just a crap day. I figured my choices were either to give my fuckin' lazy dumbass boss a piece of it, or come harass you. Lucky you, I decided it would be more fun to see the office life. How do you stand it?"

Trowa stared at the gravel between his loafers. He hated these shoes with a dull passion, but they were the cheapest shoes he could find that were 'work appropriate.' "Well," he drawled, "I suppose the tedium would make anyone want to slit their wrists, but since I want to do that anyway..."

"That isn't even remotely funny." Duo's tone was quickly serious. Trowa faced him, more than a little surprised at how vehement Duo was. After a moment of intense regard, Duo tried unsuccessfully to repress a grin. "Ok, it is a little funny, but not in a good way."

Trowa found himself grinning just a little, which made Duo laugh. It was a nice sound, low and almost quiet. Trowa watched Duo laugh closely, cataloging his movements down to the slightest detail. Duo's natural proclivity toward animation made it so that when he smiled like this, his eyes crinkled, and caught the light in ways totally unlike the way Duo's eyes looked normally. 

Trowa squeezed his hot dog uselessly, then decided that he couldn't abuse it and then throw it away without taking a single bite. So, he gingerly raised the food substitute to his lips and took a small bite.

Duo cocked his head and watched Trowa eat curiously. "Do you not like hot dogs?"

Trowa shrugged, bored. "I don't care one way or the other."

Duo nodded, shoving a large bite down his throat. "I like food that's potentially carcinogenic. It adds that extra layer of fun that's sorely lacking from most eating experiences."

Trowa looked at his hot dog, suspicious of its motivations. Was it planning on growing into a tumor in his belly? He slowly raised it up to take another bite. "I like foods that I can ignore for several months, and still eat it when I find it in my cabinet."

Chuckling under his breath, Duo's eyes danced cynically. "As long as it doesn't spawn a mutant civilization of socialist mold people, I'm all for that."

"Are socialists bad?"

"Not necessarily. But they have high taxes. I hate paying taxes."

"It pays for the government."

"Exactly."

"We killed to put this government in power," Trowa reminded gently.

Duo started, his whole body changing. His back was stiff, and his face lost all expression. For a moment, it was like he had been turned off completely. 

For only a moment.

"Ah, the good old days..." Duo affected a reminiscent tone. "Back when men were cowardly backstabbers, women were persistent stalkers, and boys were warriors. Those were the days!"

Trowa looked at his hands, watching the way his fingers curled around the hot dog. His nails were badly in need of a manicure. The vein running across the top of his hand seemed to protrude a little right under his middle knuckle. He kept his eyes on the vein as he spoke. "There were some good times. That time we did that thing in that place. That was good."

Duo shook his head, trying to control a laugh. "You know Tro, if anyone ever tells you that you don't have a sense of humor, you should just look them straight in the eye with a perfectly straight face and tell them that you had it dehydrated so that you could take it with you when you travel."

Trowa blinked once. "That's what I do."

Laughing, Duo stood up, stretching out. He seemed so much like the old Duo, in his dark jumpsuit and black jacket. For a frozen moment, Trowa could almost believe that they were still fifteen. 

Duo turned to look at Trowa, his hands on his hips and an amused expression on his face. "Well?"

Trowa looked up at Duo, perplexed.

"Wanna go back?"

Trowa considered. "No."

"Eh, me neither. But let's go anyway. We can annoy our coworkers better by being there than by not."

Trowa stood and sauntered with Duo back to the Preventers complex. The building he worked in was in the northeast corner, and the gate leading to the garages in the interior of the complex were on the southwest corner. Duo walked assuredly toward the northeast, apparently intent upon escorting Trowa back to his office. Trowa speculated languidly, "Everyone in my office is going to think we stole away for a quickie."

Duo smiled. "You wish."

Trowa raised an eyebrow. "Please. You would be so lucky."

"Ha. I'm way out of your league, my young friend. Sorry, but you might as well let go of these little pipe dreams of yours."

Sniffing dignifiedly, "I would never stoop as low as that. I do have standards."

Duo slapped Trowa on the shoulder amiably. "Well, enjoy a full afternoon of dreaming of my sweet little ass."

Trowa nodded. "Try not to get too distracted thinking about my impressive upper body and long, lean legs. You do work with heavy machinery, after all."

Duo winked, and started to whistle as he walked away. Trowa watched him until he couldn't follow the sway of Duo's braid any longer, and then went inside.

When he got to his desk, he saw the wrench Duo had left, still sitting there, making his useless papers grimy. Carefully placing the wrench in his top desk drawer, he thought that maybe he'd spend his afternoon playing on the 'net.

* * *

  


Quatre called early that night. Trowa sat on the floor next to the vidphone. He could see, in his mind, exactly how Quatre looked as he spoke, exactly how Quatre smiled, exactly how he laughed, exactly how he gestured with his hands and how he blushed and how he rolled his eyes and how he would scratch his chin...

Trowa stared at the carpeting, listening to Quatre talk, gripping the cuffs of his turtleneck tightly enough to tear the seams. When he spoke, he always had to start over again at least twice, because first he would have to interrupt Quatre's steady stream of chatter, and then Quatre would have to ask him to speak up.

Trowa didn't interrupt Quatre often. Unlike Catherine, Quatre was impossible to get rid of; Trowa had tried everything, but Quatre was determined enough to converse that nothing Trowa said or did could deter him.

It was like slicing skin open, listening to Quatre speak; the sweet, slow pain of it would just barely register with Trowa, but it would come back to him, like a cut that hadn't hurt that would twinge painfully when it was aggravated. Trowa would file away everything Quatre said, word for word, and when it was quiet, the words would echo in Trowa's head, and he would hear it all over again.

Quatre was happy. Trowa wanted Quatre to be happy. Trowa was happy for Quatre.

Dr. Clarkson lied. No matter how many times Trowa repeated it, it never sounded right.

"So, apparently, there are laws against that on L2, which is weird, because I thought everything was legal on L2. I need to get some sort of local expert, to advise me. L2 is like a whole new world; it's a colony, and part of the colony system, but their economy has been down for so long that the people have almost evolved into a completely new type of social structure..."

"You should talk to..."

"Hm? Trowa?"

"You should..."

"Speak up, please, I can't hear you. If you were in front of the unit, the amplifiers would be able to pick you up better."

"You should talk to Duo."

There was a long pause. Trowa wasn't sure what the expression on Quatre's face was; he was almost curious enough to attempt a peak.

"Duo? Duo Maxwell?"

"Who else?" Trowa's brow furrowed in annoyance. He didn't like circular conversations.

"But... Duo? I don't even... I doubt he'd know anything about L2 policies, Trowa."

Quatre was being condescending again. Trowa knew he didn't mean to be, he just honestly didn't know when he was being a little prick. It was an upbringing thing, Trowa assumed. It never bothered him, normally, but for some reason, the fact that Quatre was looking down his nose at Duo rankled a little. He didn't bother to analyze why that might be; he just chalked it up to a vague sense of class-consciousness, and ignored it.

"Besides, I don't think... well, that is, I've heard that Duo..."

"I've been seeing him. You should talk to him. I'm sure he'd like that."

Trowa knew that he was leading Quatre to believe things that weren't true, but he was also being honest, even if not rigorously so, and he was enjoying the look he imagined to be on Quatre's face too much to care. 

The pause lengthened, and Trowa released his grip on his cuffs so that he could try to pull up the ugly brown carpet again.

"You've been... _seeing Duo?_ Duo _Maxwell?_ "

The sheer incredulity in Quatre's voice made Trowa smile to himself. "Sure."

Quatre sputtered. Actually sputtered. Trowa hadn't enjoyed a conversation so much in years. Years and years.

"He used to run a business in L2, with Hilde. A salvage business." What had happened with that, anyway? Why was Duo with the Preventers? Trowa frowned a little, but kept it out of his voice. He knew that he and Duo were not close, but he was surprised that he didn't know this about the other man. "He must know some things."

Quatre choked a little. "That _may_ be, but I don't think he would have any contacts that WEI would be interested in." Trowa narrowed his eyes, finding his hand balled up into a fist on top of the carpet. "At any rate, he certainly doesn't have a good reputation, if you know what I mean. There are... _rumors_ about how he has spent the last few years."

Trowa started gripping his cuffs again. He spoke gruffly, and far too low for Quatre to hear. "There are _rumors_ about me, too... Better hope no one finds out you talk to me, either, then..."

"I'm sorry?"

"Apology accepted."

"What?"

"I have to go, Quatre."

"Oh, but I haven't told you the funniest story about Abdul yet! See, he had to get..."

"I'm sorry. Bye." Trowa switched the 'phone off from the floor, and continued to sit, and let the darkness settle around him. It took a long time for him to unwind enough to let go of his cuffs. He thought about the knives in the kitchen. Then he tried to think about something else. He tried to think about putting in a disk, but the thought of watching porn made him physically ill, which made him think about going into the bathroom, which made him think about razor blades, which made him think about falling down in the bathroom in Catherine's trailer on L1, and the smell of blood, and then he thought about Catherine finding him there, and the guilt made him get up and fix himself something to eat.

He didn't bother to turn on any lights, so the only time he could really see what he was doing was when he opened the refrigerator door. He made a sandwich with ham and peanut butter. As an afterthought, he poured himself a glass of milk. He took the sandwich and the milk out to the living room, and ate in darkness on the couch.

He thought about Catherine more, which produced enough guilt for him to finish the whole sandwich and to empty his glass. She worried about him so much; she had so much reason to worry. She had been so good to him ever since he first met him, even when she never had reason to be nice. She treated him like the younger brother she had lost, and encouraged him to treat her like the older sister he had never had.

When he thought about her, and how she worried, the smell of blood was so thick, he could barely breathe.

If he called her, it would make her night. She would be so happy to see him reaching out to her like that. He should call her. Tell her he was thinking about her. He emailed her from work often, but it wasn't the same. When he couldn't hear her voice, he couldn't imagine her expression all that well. He needed to hear her voice.

He got up, and brushed the crumbs off his pants. He turned on the vidphone, and stared at the blue screen, waiting for vocal prompts.

"Find number - Maxwell, Duo."

The machine when through a search, and then produced seven results from the surrounding eight area codes, and a prompt for if the search needed to be widened. Trowa recognized Duo's address, so he selected that number, had it filed in his personal directory, and then dialed. Stepping carefully out of the line of the camera's eye, he waited.

"Oy."

Trowa examined his fingernails, even though it was hard to do by the light of the 'phone. "Duo."

"Trowa? Is that you?"

"Yeah."

"Well, where the fuck are you?"

"I'm here."

"Well, damn it, step where I can see you, or hang up. I'm not fucking talking to your damn wall."

Trowa had to repress the desire to smirk. It was a physically involving task to move the two steps away from the wall and in front of the 'phone. He hoped Duo appreciated his effort. "Duo."

"Tro." Duo smiled, relaxing. He looked worn out, like he'd just been working out, or something. Trowa could also tell from the way Duo smiled that he had been drinking. "Well, there you are. What's up?"

"Why are you with the Preventers?"

Duo blinked. "Um, you called me up to ask me that?"

"Yes."

"Ah. Another exciting night at Casa de Barton, eh?"

Trowa enjoyed the way Duo's eyes crinkled when he teased. "Of course."

"Well, great. But... well, that's kind of a long, boring story."

Trowa didn't believe that for a second.

"Let me ask you something first. What happened with you and Q?"

Trowa blinked.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I was just wondering."

"Nothing happened."

"It's ok. You don't have to tell me."

"I just did."

Duo cocked his head in confusion. "Huh?"

Trowa shrugged. "Nothing happened. The wars ended, we went our separate ways... He called me from time to time, but that was it... And then he got married." Trowa had a harder time shrugging this time.

"Oh." Duo sounded truly disappointed. "That's too bad. I always thought..."

"Me too." Trowa hadn't planned on saying that. He certainly didn't plan on sounding so bitter. "I thought he was going to save me." Trowa picked at his thumbnail, his whole face bent down so that all Duo could see was his hair.

Duo smiled. "Quatre in cape, to the rescue, huh? Those damn superheroes never pan out, do they?"

Trowa looked up at Duo slowly, reassured when he saw that Duo wasn't teasing. 

Then, he thought about it. 

"You didn't answer my question."

Duo laughed, and it was a comforting sound. "I'm slippery like that, Tro." Duo winked, and it looked a little saucy. Trowa's lips turned up just a little bit. "See you tomorrow, eh?"

Trowa shook his head, and switched off the phone. He wandered into the bedroom, and sat in the window.

He decided that he wasn't looking forward to therapy, but it wouldn't hurt to make sure his nice pants were pressed.

* * *

  


The woman in the cube next to his started the morning with an emotional crisis. She spent the whole morning telling her terrible story of woe to anyone unfortunate enough to cross her path, calling every friend and relative she knew, and bursting into tears a total of four times.

Trowa could feel his head throbbing with every melodramatic screech, so he took off at eleven for lunch, and didn't bother to go back before therapy.

Daytime television was like a forgotten treat. The sheer wastefulness of it all attracted Trowa, so he spent the whole time sitting on his couch, staring at his tv. He missed the bus, and spent most of the time before the next bus pondering whether he should call for a cab, call the doctor's office to say he would be late, call Duo to tell him he would be late, or just wait. When the bus came, the whole question seemed mostly moot. 

For some reason, the bus was as packed as it would be at rush hour, so Trowa had to stand in the aisle. He didn't mind that, but there were a group of teenaged girls who kept pointing at him and giggling, all blushing and winking at him. He stared out the window and tried to ignore them, but they made him feel so self-conscious, he got off the bus two stops early.

All in all, the session was nearly half over before Trowa turned the brass doorknob to step in, and neither Duo nor Dr. Clarkson looked very happy.

Trowa slipped in silently, but the other two men were staring at him all the same. He didn't bother to make an excuse for himself, or apologize, but he did nod slightly at Dr. Clarkson in greeting. Before he sat down, he took a moment to really look Duo over.

He was a sight to behold.

Duo's braid was pulled forward, and he was toying with the end as he glared at Trowa. He wore a black ribbed tank top that probably would have fit him perfectly when he was ten. The bottom of the shirt just barely touched the top of his faded black jeans, which were unbuttoned and folded down at the waist, and torn in the thighs and the knees. He wore sport sandals, which made the whole outfit and look so casually sexy it was nearly unbearably.

Trowa slipped right next to Duo on the couch, putting his arm around the other man and offering him a haven. Duo glared at Trowa for a moment longer before cuddling up to him, his hand snaking out to play with Trowa's tie, his braid still in his hand so that the rope of hair was draped half over Trowa's chest.

The weight of the hair was impressive, and so enticing that Trowa had to reach out and caress the plaits reverently. Duo smirked at Trowa from under his bangs, and put his head on Trowa's shoulder.

Dr. Clarkson cleared his throat, his narrowed eyes fixed on Trowa and the hand that was moving over Duo's braid. "So nice of you to join us, Mr. Barton."

Trowa smirked, running his hand down Duo's side. "I hope I haven't missed anything." If his tone of voice didn't clearly indicate what he was missing, his nose dipping into Duo's hair as he arms closed around Duo left no room for interpretation.

Dr. Clarkson's left eye twitched involuntarily. "I see you two are getting along well." It was a leading statement.

Duo grinned. "You were right, doc," Duo purred as he flung his legs over Trowa's. "Some things are more fun in pairs."

Trowa sighed silently, and brought Duo closer. Duo tilted his head to look up at him, and Trowa was suddenly awash in guilt. He and Duo were in this together, now, and he had abandoned his partner.

Trowa's lips touched Duo's neck, and he begged for forgiveness. Duo arched his neck as he accepted Trowa's supplication. Trowa slowly opened his lips, and let his tongue nip out to quickly taste Duo's skin. Duo sighed in appreciation. Trowa wasn't satisfied though. He had grievously erred. He needed to make reparations.

Trowa's nose brushed against Duo's ear lobe gently, and he breathed heavily through his nose so that Duo could feel it. His hand slipped to Duo's waist to trace the top of Duo's pants, letting his fingertips linger over the smooth, tight skin of Duo's abdomen. Duo's body thrilled at the touches, and he turned to face Trowa fully. 

They looked at each other for a moment, their eyes flirting. When they moved together to kiss, Trowa felt Duo's forgiveness in the tender brush of lips, emboldening him to ask for more. Their mouths opened together, moving together, and then Trowa invaded Duo's mouth with his tongue.

The sensation of taste overwrought Trowa, and he felt his hands moving over Duo's skin only dimly. He didn't realize that his eyes had closed until he opened them again, and when he saw Duo's face, so close to his own, Duo's eyes partially closed as if he were in enthralled, Trowa felt a small fire in his belly that he had completely forgotten, so that he felt like he was discovering arousal once again.

Duo's body was liquid, molding to Trowa's as they pressed against each other. Trowa's hand was under Duo's shirt, running up and down Duo's back. Duo had one hand at the back of Trowa's neck, tugging at the short hairs at the hairline, and the other hand had unbuttoned a few of Trowa's buttons in the middle of his shirt, and was now exploring Trowa's chest. Trowa found himself heaving for air, but loath to separate from Duo.

Their noses touched, and Duo rested his forehead on Trowa's. All Trowa could see was the deep depths of Duo's eyes, which seemed both blue and violet. They had a quality that entranced, and made Trowa want to stare into Duo's eyes until his own dried up and fell out.

His hand was on Duo's thigh, and as he stared into Duo's eyes, he thought about Duo's dick. His own was hot and confined uncomfortably, but he was almost enjoying the delicate pain of being aroused in tight pants. His hand moved on Duo's thigh, inching closer and closer to his groin. Thinking about Duo's dick only led to more thought about Duo's dick, and more tightness in his pants, and more heat, which was like being set on fire after being left in the tundra for your entire life.

Trowa's hand stopped on the joint of Duo's leg and hip, his fingers splayed. He thought that his fingers were just a layer or two of fabric from Duo's dick and balls. He pulled Duo's face closer and kissed him again, sucking hard on Duo's lips.

The doctor's clipboard and papers fell to the floor, ignored by everyone in the room. Only the ting of the timer signaling the end of the session pierced the concentration of the three men.

Duo and Trowa relaxed their grips on each other, but stayed on the couch in each other's arms. Dr. Clarkson pulled his hand away from his crotch as if he might get away with it, and cleared his throat enough times to bring up a lung.

Duo sighed, and stretched his legs out lazily. "Hey, doc, before you sign our forms, would ya mind using some wet wipes? Ya know, for sanitary purposes."

Trowa chuckled silently, and leaned into Duo. The image of Duo's dick was still stuck in his head, and he was enjoying the hazy sensation of unfulfilled passion that was blearily working its way through his circulatory system. He had no desire to move anytime soon.

But Duo got up, pushing against Trowa's shoulders to leverage his way out of Trowa's lap, and then it wasn't as warm anymore. Dr. Clarkson kept his eyes down as he handed them their reviews. Trowa stood and stretched out slowly. 

He was enjoying a rare good day.

Duo was waiting for him by the elevator, his trench pulled tightly around his body. They stepped into the elevator together. Trowa stepped to the side, and pushed the button for the lobby. Duo went to lean against the back wall. Duo watched Trowa pleasantly.

"The first half of that session was the worst. You do have a way of... passing the time." 

Trowa didn't turn at Duo's teasing tone, but he did look over his shoulder so Duo could see his smile. "I enjoyed it."

"Mm." Duo tilted his head, and his braid slipped over his shoulder. Trowa remembered the feeling of the rope of hair over his chest, and his flesh tingled at the memory. "We should have _more_ therapy."

Trowa smirked.

"My place or yours?"

There was a definite flirt in that question, but Trowa knew better than to think that Duo was offering more than dinner. They exited the building, and Trowa waited while Duo lit his cigarette. The thick, fragrant smell of it burned Trowa's nostrils in a homey way. "Yours." Trowa nodded in the direction of Duo's bus. 

Duo shrugged, and they headed for the bus stop.

The bus was unusually empty, and so they were able to get a seat together. Trowa sat next to the window, and Duo pushed in so that their bodies were in contact all the way from their shoulders to their knees. It added to the easy tension that was buzzing through Trowa's body.

The ride was over disappointingly quickly. They walked from the stop to the convenience store a block away from Duo's building. They got each got a bottle of pop, and Duo picked up a frozen family sized dinner and a bottle of scotch on sale. 

It was just settling into dusk as they walked from the convenience store to Duo's building. Trowa wasn't aware of the silence, as he was too aware of the presence of Duo's arm, swinging from the weight of the bag in his hand, teasingly close to his own arm. The night air was cool and there was enough wind to make a chill when they had to wait for the light. The sun below the skyline darkened everything to the point of outline, and Duo walked down the street with his eyes on the sky.

Trowa watched the road for Duo, leading him by proximity of body heat, allowing Duo to watch the last light of day letting the stars peek through.

"Do you miss the colonies?" There was so much wistfulness in Duo's tone, it didn't even break the silence as he spoke.

Trowa spared a glance heavenward. "I don't care much where I live. But I do miss Catherine."

Duo nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving the strengthening light of the stars. Trowa realized, feeling somewhat foolish when it finally came to him, that Duo was watching the patch of sky where L2 should be.

"You never did tell me why you were working for the Preventers, instead of salvage." Trowa wasn't making an accusation, and when Duo didn't respond, it didn't seem as if he were supposed to have done so. Trowa pondered as Duo paused at the entrance to his building, pulling out his keys, still watching the sky. "Did Hilde expect you to settle down with her?"

"Hilde?" Duo laughed, looking at Trowa with neutral amusement. "Naw. She never wanted me." There was something about his tone that made Trowa question Duo's perceptions of the matter. "Anyway. It's not that... Well, the Readers' Digest version is, I started drinking, and doing drugs, she kicked me out, I lost my pilot's license." He shrugged, holding open the door for Trowa. "End of story."

Trowa nodded as he walked in. Of course, he should have guessed that. It just all seemed so disconnected in his mind. His own life had a distinct lack of cohesion, so he naturally expected that other people were the same.

They walked up to Duo's apartment side by side, the stairwell only just barely large enough for them. Trowa felt a small anticipatory thrill tingle in his fingers. It felt like an accomplishment - voluntarily being social, and enjoying the experience.

Duo was so relaxed and comfortable. It was easy to fall into the pattern of being relaxed with him. And there was the taste of Duo on his lips. 

Trowa bumped into Duo a little on purpose, causing Duo to smile at him.

It was strange and new, and familiar in a forgotten way, being friendly with someone. 

He didn't think about the fact that it was Duo Maxwell he was being friendly with; that hardly seemed to matter any more.

Duo unlocked the door to his apartment, and immediately frowned.

The door was wide open, but Duo made no move to enter, so Trowa stayed beside him in the hallway, peering inside dubiously. The stereo was obviously on, which naturally stood out as being 'off,' but it didn't take long to see why.

Heero Yuy stood up and went to the door, leaning against the jamb with his arms crossed over his chest. He looked almost exactly as he always did, down to the loose tank top tucked into his jeans, except for now he looked like a man, instead of boy playing the part of a man.

Duo was tense, and a little angry. His knuckles were white as he clutched the handles of the bag tightly, and he stared at Heero as if he might just be a mirage that would go away if Duo concentrated on him.

"Heero."

"Hmph." Heero glared at Trowa in response to Duo's rather terse greeting. "What's this?"

Duo shook his head, and pushed his way into his apartment roughly. " _This_ is Trowa. You remember Trowa don't you, Heero?"

Heero stood in the doorway, trying to stare Trowa down. "Barton."

Trowa didn't give an inch, but put his hand on the doorjamb possessively. "Yuy."

Duo rolled his eyes, setting the bag on the coffee table, and pulling his trench off. "Please, guys, keep the sap to a minimum. We are still men, you know."

Heero snorted, and stepped aside to let Trowa in dismissively.

Duo rolled his eyes again. "You staying for dinner?" The question sounded more like a threat than an offer.

Heero raised an eyebrow. "I guess I have to eat."

Duo pushed his breath out between his teeth. "Fine just let me get changed, and then I'll..."

Heero slapped Duo on the ass as he walked by. "No point getting undressed twice, is there? Let's just get dinner over with."

Duo's whole body went rigid. Trowa felt a wave of revulsion sweep over him. He crossed his arms over his waist, and kept his eyes on Heero. 

Duo nodded uncomfortably, and headed for the kitchen.

Heero turned his gaze to Trowa.

They stood in Duo's living room, staring at each other, for a full two minutes.

"So, you're fucking him?" Heero was trying to sound casual, but his body language was more territorial.

Trowa simply inclined his head away from Heero, and narrowed his eyes.

Heero grinned. "And they say there's no such thing as a free ride. Makes sense, though. You always were sorta the watered down version of me, weren't you? So long as you don't mind if he's thinking of me when you're in him..."

Trowa sneered. "Jealous, Heero?"

"Jealous!" Heero laughed. "Does a man get jealous because the sewer takes his neighbor's shit too?"

Trowa's hands balled into tight fists, and if it were anyone else in the cosmos besides Heero Yuy, he would have knocked him flat on his ass.

"'Kay." Duo stood in the door to the kitchen, looking decidedly nervous, his arms trying to find a way to cover up his chest and waist. "Hope you guys don't mind Easy Mac and veggies."

Trowa and Heero moved like two cats heading for the same bowl, wary of the inevitable fight. Neither wanted to give the other a single advantage. They managed to edge their way to the table in the middle of the kitchen without a scratch.

Duo had made three plates of macaroni and cheese in the microwave, and sliced up a tomato and a carrot. The skin of the tomato curled away from the edges, and the slices sat in the water the tomato could no longer contain. The carrot looked defeated, lying on the plate in pieces.

Heero sat at the head of the table, pulling his chair out loudly. Trowa took the seat to Heero's left. Duo poured Trowa a glass of milk, and set a glass of water in front of Heero. He poured himself a tumbler of cheap scotch.

Heero's hand swept out to slow the flow of alcohol. "Don't get drunk. I'm going to want you functioning."

Duo glared at Heero, and poured until the glass was filled.

It was not a pleasant dinner.

Trowa pushed his macaroni around his plate despondently. He felt the need to help put the carrot out of its misery, but the tomato slices looked like too much work to bother.

Duo sat rigidly in his chair, anger rolling off of him in waves, and he stared at the table or his glass.

Heero pretended to be at ease, eating large forkfuls at a time.

Duo stabbed his plate enough times to be sick of the silence. He looked at the edge of Heero's plate disgustedly. "So. How's Relena?"

"I thought you had your shrink appointment today. What were you doing with Trowa?" Heero asked, as if he were chastising a wayward teen.

Throwing back a long pull of scotch, Duo glared at Heero. "Trowa and I are going to sessions together now." Each word felt like it had been dragged out of Duo.

"Oh yeah?" Heero turned a feral grin to Trowa. "So, what's wrong with you? Got lonely in the shadows?"

Trowa swallowed a bite of carrot, pushing down any reaction to Heero's words with it. "Necrophilia."

Duo laughed. Heero turned to watch Duo with a look that could only be interpreted as revulsion. Trowa smiled just a little, his head bent down so he could swirl his dinner around on his plate. 

"It's not polite to ask people about their therapy, Heero." Duo's words were edged.

Heero picked up his and Duo's plates, even though neither were half finished. "People shouldn't be so sensitive about their derangements." 

Trowa got up to clear his plate, leaving Duo alone to gulp down his scotch. Just as Trowa was getting to the garbage can, Heero turned abruptly into him, turning the plate over, hitting Trowa in the stomach.

"Trowa!" Duo leapt to his feet, grabbing the washcloth as he moved to Trowa's side. There was a large yellowish orange stain where the macaroni and cheese had hit him. Duo patiently scrapped Trowa's shirt clean, scowling. "Damn it, Heero, you are such a fucking disaster. Can't you watch where you're going?"

Heero dumped the last of Duo's glass of scotch down the sink. "I didn't see anything," he replied coolly.

"God damn mother fucking son of a..." Duo spoke under his breath, still trying to make Trowa clean with the magic of wiping.

Trowa sighed. "I'm going to wash my hands."

"I'm sure you know where the bathroom is." Heero threw the leftover tomato and carrot slices away, and cleared Trowa's mostly full milk glass.

Duo hissed, but Trowa just walked away calmly. 

Duo's bathroom was decorated with pale green wallpaper that had a mottled appearance. The washbasin was wide, and the towels were next to it on a silver towel rack. It was surprisingly clean, with the milk glass light fixtures all but gleaming. The mirror was not cracked, and Trowa found that that made it hard to look into it. Instead, he looked at Duo's clear plastic shower curtain, watching the way the light made prisms on the surface of it.

He could hear the sounds of dishwashing in the kitchen, and loud, angry voices. Duo sounded like he was snarling, and Heero just growled. Trowa thought about Heero hitting Duo, and he remembered when Dr. Clarkson had asked Duo something about his lover abusing him. 

There was something intrinsically wrong with the idea of Duo being abused. Duo was thin, and beautiful, and he had pretty eyes that changed colors, and long hair in a heavy braid. None of that was consistent with being hit.

Trowa wasn't sure what he would do to intervene if Heero _was_ hurting Duo. He let the water get hotter and hotter, and watched his hands pink under the flow, the lather from the soap long gone. 

He wasn't sure that he would do anything. He wasn't sure how he felt about that.

He walked quietly back toward the kitchen, listening closely.

"...you just act like such a dick!"

"Speaking of which... I came here for a quick fuck, and so far, I've just gotten a pain in my ass."

Trowa stood next to the door of the kitchen. Duo was rinsing dishes, sticking them violently into his small dishwasher. Heero was behind Duo, his chest against Duo's back, his hand between Duo's legs.

Trowa's stomach churned. Hours ago, his hand had gently rested just on the fringe of the area Heero was roughly groping.

"God _damn_ it, Heero! I have a guest! I'm sorry, but I can't drop everything for your booty calls!" Duo was scowling and screaming, but his back was pushed against Heero, his round ass moving against Heero's groin as he bent to put the dishes away.

Heero's eyes flicked to the door. "Trowa's a smart boy. He knows when it's time to leave." Heero wrapped his hand around Duo's braid, jerking Duo's head back to bite Duo's neck.

Trowa stepped forward calmly, still not sure what was right. He didn't like to see Heero using Duo's braid like that, though.

"Fuck off, Yuy!" Duo shoved his elbow into Heero's gut, using the small distraction to step away, moving toward Trowa. 

"Duo..." Trowa began, though he had no idea what he could say.

"I've waited long enough." Heero glared at Trowa. "It's time I got what I came here for. Say goodbye to Trowa and let's get going."

Trowa narrowed his eyes, his hands already in fists. He took a step forward, but Duo stopped him, taking his arm and leading him to the living room. 

"I'm sorry, Trowa." Duo sighed, shaking his head. "This didn't go at all as planned."

Trowa looked at Duo. The other man's chin was trembling with anger, and his eyes looked focused and small. "We can still go back to my place." It seemed like the best solution. Heero was angry, and even though Duo could handle himself, it was probably best not to push his luck.

Duo sighed. "It's ok." He led Trowa to the door, handing him his coat. "It's... complicated. It's probably best if you did leave, though. I'm sorry." Duo smiled tightly, obviously disappointed.

Trowa blinked. Heero smirked from the other side of the room. It wasn't right.

Duo opened the door, and Trowa stepped out. He stood in the hallway, his head resting near the door. He could hear inside Duo's apartment. He could hear sounds like a fight, and Duo screaming out. It was half a cry of rage, and half a cry of passion.

Trowa slipped his coat on and walked away. He walked all the way back to his apartment. He thought about Heero slapping Duo across the face. He thought about Heero pushing Duo to the ground and fucking him raw. With each step, his imagination leaped off into darker and darker realms of fantasy, and in each, he could see Duo's smooth, pale skin being bruised and beaten, and Heero's stormy eyes and muscular arms.

His legs got so tired, he could feel them burn, but it was cold outside, and he felt the cold on his skin and under his bones, so he ignored the heat, and the tingle in his lungs, and even the chill, and he just kept walking, each step taking him deeper into a fantasy of Duo being raped and murdered and raped again.

He walked past his mailbox when he entered his building, and when he got inside his apartment, he went straight to his bathroom. He didn't even take off his coat before he vomited into the toilet. When his teeth felt raw, he flushed the toilet, and closed the lip. He rinsed his mouth out with mouthwash, and sat down on the toilet seat. 

He stared at the tile for ages. He thought about Duo's skin, and the way Duo had tasted, and how the taste of Duo was gone now, replaced with bile, and he opened the drawer in the bathroom cabinet quickly. 

He kept a pair of scissors to cut his hair in there. They were kept in a plastic sheath, and they had black rubber coating the handles. They were well oiled, and very sharp. 

He stared at the edge of the scissors, tilting them so the light caught the line where the metal cut away. 

Opening the scissors, Trowa touched the middle of his fingers to the flat edge of the blade. He barely moved his hand over it, marveling at the slight sting. When he pulled the scissors away, there were tiny threads of red, which beaded tiny drops of red. Trowa watched the blood gather, pulling the edge of the blade over his skin again. The four fingers of his left hand got crisscrossed over their middle sections, the tiny threads of red forming a web.

He brought his fingers to his face, smelling the scent of Duo's hand soap and his blood mixed.

He stared at his hand until it felt cold and isolated from his body.

He played with the edge of the blade some more, until he felt tired and weak. His blood barely covered his hand, but its scent was strong, and brought back memories of sensations that left Trowa exhausted. He sat on the toilet seat, and stared at the tiles on the wall, and counted until he reached 1,268,721.

Before he left for work, he had to change his clothes, and put band aides over his fingers.


	3. Chapter 3

His boss called him in to talk to him at 11 am. Trowa stood up heavily and trailed after his boss listlessly. Trowa worked under a man whose name he purposefully never spoke aloud, and who was nearly a full six inches shorter than Trowa. Being male, this seemed significant enough to Trowa that he could not have respected the man, even if he weren't an idiot.

Trowa sat down in the squeaky chair in his boss' office to listen to the lecture on attitude. Trowa didn't think he had a bad attitude. He was fairly certain that anyone who worked in a cloth covered cube with no door and no soundproofing and managed to stay upbeat was a danger to themselves and others.

Even worse than he was.

His boss talked for a total of thirty-five minutes. Trowa didn't even stop at his desk after his boss was done. He headed straight for the elevator, and left the building. He had never gone out the back to the yards before. The guards were very suspicious of him, trying to intimidate him as they scrutinized his identification. Unfortunately for their need to assert their masculinity, Trowa wasn't impressed. It just seemed a little sad to him that they even needed a security guard inside a guarded building to grant access to a limited restriction zone. 

The yards themselves were very impressive. In the middle of the city, surrounded by high rises, the Preventers kept their best mechanics to maintain, repair, and even build most of their best transportation vehicles. Most of their space worthy vessels were kept in the Preventers' Space Station, in high orbit around the Earth, but all their ground and air vessels were kept here.

Of course, the Preventers' compound was five square city blocks, and although the buildings were architecturally designed to give the appearance of a dense, three-dimensional mass of buildings, the entire center of the compound was empty, so the yards were large enough to fit several hundred vehicles, including aircraft. That didn't even include the garages, most of which were below ground.

Trowa should have looked up exactly where Duo worked before heading out here. The yards were complex, large, and most of the maintenance workers were in garages. 

Sticking his hands in his pockets, Trowa walked diagonally across the yards to the main entrance of the garages, kicking up gravel as he did. He loved the smell of jet fuel. He loved the way planes caught the light on their windshields. He loved the sound of mechanics working on big machinery. He loved the sound of engines.

He kept his eyes straight ahead, and walked with precise steps, slowly, through the yards. He didn't want to get distracted. When he was just a boy, working with the mercenaries, he used to really apply himself to the machines they worked with; there was simply nothing in the world as cool as a mecha. 

And the best mecha of them all, bar none, was Heavyarms. He was sure the other pilots felt the same way about their Gundams; they were wrong. His was the best. He had helped assemble it, helped maintain it, and when he became Trowa Barton, it was because it was right. He had earned it. He deserved it. 

He hated driving cars. Motorcycles were better, if you had to be trapped on the land. But the best thing of all was being totally free, being in the air, falling fast. Heavyarms was such a large Gundam, aptly named as the center of balance was never in the center of it, so in order to operate it properly, to operate it well, you had to be able to understand the way gravity affected it, you had to be able to move _with_ it.

You had to be able to fly.

Trowa was an acrobat. No one ever taught him. No one ever sat him down on a mat and showed him how to do anything, but he was. He could fly. Being on the trapeze, and being in the cockpit of Heavyarms, it was the same thing. He was free.

He almost never thought about how chained down he was when he wasn't surrounded by aircraft.

He wondered, in order to keep his mind off the itching distraction of flight, how Duo did it. How did he work with all these machines, and stay sane?

Trowa almost smiled.

The receptionist for the garage was a woman in her thirties who wore a lot of makeup. So much so that Trowa found it distracting talking to her. He was a little concerned that maybe a giant chunk would fall off, and he would have to pretend not to notice. She also had hair that was brilliantly red, which really would have been flattering if she hadn't feathered and crimped it.

She smiled at him, and when he asked for Duo Maxwell, she smirked at him. He stared back at her blankly. She called him 'honey.' Trowa disliked her with a casual intensity.

She called the wrong number first. Then she called another wrong number. Then she made a snide comment about Duo 'getting around.' Then she called the right number, but Duo had already gone to the locker room. Trowa continued to stare at her blankly until she directed him there.

Duo was at the sinks. He looked cute in his jumpsuit, his braid trailing down his back, and his cute little rear sticking up.

Trowa blinked. He was uncomfortable with how often he thought about Duo's ass.

Duo was scraping the grease off his hands with Lava soap. He was bouncing his head to something that was playing inside his head.

He looked tired. Trowa wondered how late Heero had stayed last night. It certainly hadn't seemed like he wanted to stay long...

"You brood well."

Trowa inclined his head toward Duo. "Thanks."

Duo grinned. "So, is this a turnabout thing, or what?"

"Work sucks." Trowa sounded bored. "Boss was being a jackass. And I..." Trowa's eyes slipped down to the tile below the sinks. There was a black slime that was so thick, it disgusted Trowa long enough to stop him from saying something he would regret.

Duo shook his hands over the sink, and turned the water off. He wiped his hands over his thighs. "So, let's get some lunch."

Trowa nodded, still staring at the slime. He wondered if it was sentient. He wondered if sentience was an actual, scientific determination, or if it was just a sci-fi thing.

"Hey, what happened to your fingers?"

Trowa was so consumed in his observation of the slime, he hadn't even realized that he had put his hand on the sink closest to him. He lifted his hand as if it were a scientific specimen, and regarded the band aides with a small air of derision. "Oh. Nothing."

"You just decided to just put a bunch of band aides on?" Duo's eyes were narrowed, his gaze determined.

Trowa just blinked at Duo.

Their eyes met, and Duo slowly became more and more rigid. "Why?"

Trowa didn't truly acknowledge Duo's question, but he silently sighed.

Duo clenched his teeth, and lowered his eyes. He threw out his paper towels with more vehemence than the task required. "This way."

Duo led the way out to the street, not bothering to change out of his jumpsuit. He put his hands in his pockets, and as he walked, his braid swayed back and forth, like the pendulum of an organic clock. Trowa walked a step behind him, his eyes on the braid at all time.

He acknowledged to himself calmly that he wanted to feel Duo's hair against his skin.

They stopped at a deli, and got paper bowls of soup. Going to a table in the corner, they sat down, putting their bowls and plastic spoons down before they sat across from each other. Trowa carefully kept his eyes down, watching the soup as he stirred it, absently wishing that he had some crackers or water so he could avoid the actual eating part of eating. Duo watched Trowa wish unabashed fascination.

"You have plans for the weekend?" Duo asked, with conversational stiffness.

Trowa lifted his spoon hesitantly, uncertain of its intentions. "Not really. You?"

Duo shrugged. "I don't like plans much. I'll probably hafta work tomorrow; have a big job that has to be done by Sunday."

Trowa nodded slowly, opening his lips as he raised the spoon the rest of the way to his mouth. "You like working in the garages?"

Duo slurped a spoonful before he considered answering. He swirled the soup with his spoon as he smiled at Trowa. "It's a job. There's a certain... gratification. Things don't work - I fix them - they work. But repair and maintenance has never been my strong suit. I prefer to be behind the wheel."

Trowa nodded, his face drooping lower and lower with each dip, until his chin was practically on his chest. He could still see Duo through his long bangs, but he wasn't sure that Duo could see him. From the small smirk at the corner of Duo's mouth, Trowa suspected that Duo could see right through him. "I don't think I could work in the garages; I try not to think about being grounded too much."

Duo's face settled into a serious blankness. "Well, there's that. Yeah."

For the space of several spoonfuls, there was silence at their table.

Trowa's eyes drifted to a small family at the table closest to them. The mother was trying desperately to control her brood long enough to feed them, but they were rebelling mightily. The woman wore a red sweater and blue jeans, and her hair was pulled back into a tight, but messy ponytail. She looked exhausted. 

"Are you gonna ask me about last night, or can we skip that shit?" The question was so abruptly out of place, for a moment, Trowa continued to watch the woman with her children, as if the question had simply been something he had overhead, instead of directed at him.

"What is there to ask?"

Duo slumped in his chair just a little, which only caused Trowa to notice how straight Duo had been sitting. "Nothing, I guess."

Trowa lifted the spoon again. He noticed that Duo had hardly eaten anything. He thought about Duo's back, and how the vertebrae were visible under his skin. He thought about Duo's skin, and how his hand had very nearly been over Duo's groin yesterday. "Do you love him?"

Duo laughed, his eyes cold and tired. "Would that excuse it?"

"I don't understand." Trowa set his spoon down in his soup, and folded his arms in his lap.

Duo didn't need to question Trowa on the layers of his statement. "I don't know if I can explain. I'm not sure I'd want to."

"You don't need to feel you owe me anything." If there was a slight accusation in Trowa's tone, he was nearly certain it wasn't his fault.

Duo pushed his soup away irritably. "There are things that Heero can give me, Trowa. There are things that I can give him."

Trowa nodded, in a mockery of comprehension.

Duo stilled. "I can give as good as I get, you know."

Trowa frowned. "Do you?"

Duo stood up, startling Trowa. "I'm not scheduled for therapy for another six days."

Trowa got up slowly behind Duo. After dumping their soup, Trowa stopped Duo from walking away with a hand on Duo's shoulder. "It just seems to me... that you could do better."

Duo turned to look at Trowa, Trowa's hand still on his shoulder. In a rush, Trowa became completely aware of Duo's proximity to him, and the contact that he was maintaining between them. 

When Duo smiled, it made the blood pound in Trowa's ears. "Are we friends now, Trowa?"

Blinking, Trowa only smiled a little in response.

Duo laughed out loud, a piercingly bright and happy sound. Trowa didn't control the urge to squeeze his hand a little, and Duo's hand came up to rest on Trowa's forearm in response. 

"You shouldn't worry about me, Trowa. You have your own problems to deal with." Duo spoke and smiled so utterly sincerely, it was endearingly charming.

"My problems bore me," Trowa replied with a shrug.

Duo smiled, shaking his head, and they headed out of the deli.

They walked back to the Preventers' headquarters slowly, taking time to pause and let other people work their way through the masses of humanity trying to get from one place to another. Duo walked with his chin up, his bright face up and his hands behind his back. Trowa kept his hands in his pockets, and watched Duo from half-lidded eyes.

As they were waiting for the light to change, Trowa considered the ugly darkness that choked him whenever he considered Heero's hands on Duo's body. He had told himself that it wasn't jealousy, that it was his nearly nonfunctional sense of morality that informed his reaction to Heero being able to be with Duo. That wasn't entirely true, though, and he couldn't deny it when he was standing close to Duo like this.

He hadn't felt this kind of desire for someone since Quatre. That made him nervous. He didn't want to want anyone like that again. It was too... involving.

The light changed and Duo took off from the curb like a racehorse. Trowa kept up by virtue of his long legs. 

Trowa was ready to separate from Duo when they got to the main entrance for the garages, but before he just as he opened his mouth to speak, Duo started to talk.

"Damn. I left my cigarettes in my jacket. Well, I don't really have time anyway... You have another minute?" He wasn't looking at Trowa as he spoke, nor did he wait for a response. Duo was half way through the checkpoint before Trowa caught up. He followed Duo back down to the locker rooms, but this time, Duo led them to the showers. 

They slipped into a private shower, and Duo pulled the curtain closed. The lights were dim, but they reflected against the pale green tiles brightly.

Duo unzipped his jumpsuit and pulled it down, all the way to his knees. He was wearing a thin wifebeater underneath, which had black splotches of grease ringing the collar. He hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his black boxers, and suddenly Trowa was standing in a small, poorly lit shower atrium, looking down at Duo Maxwell's cock.

"See? I have some bruises, yes, but they aren't that bad. It's just, sometimes, if you let go, these things happen, you know? Rough sex can be good. The pain... the pain can be good. If anyone should understand that, Trowa, it should be you." 

Duo turned so that Trowa could see his bruises. There were long, thin, blurry, yellowish black and blue marks on Duo's hips, and a round mark on Duo's left ass cheek. On his left flank, there was an oblong-shaped bruise. Duo even spread his legs a little, so Trowa could see the marks on his inner thighs.

Duo's words washed over Trowa like water, and he felt like he was drowning. He was critically aware of Duo's cock, and the mass of dark brown curls messily decorating its base. His balls hung behind, looking more than a little loose. Duo's cock wasn't exceptionally long, but it was thick, and it's crown looked weirdly appetizing. Trowa stared blandly down at Duo, and his naked cock and balls, and felt the blood slush loudly though his body. He felt like he could feel his pulse in his wrists. 

Duo displayed himself, and Trowa was dimly aware of things other than Duo's cock enough to realize that Duo was looking for benediction. He was waiting to hear that it didn't look that bad. Trowa didn't know Duo well enough to know whether he was looking for assurance or reassurance. 

Trowa felt his tongue in his mouth. It felt too large for the space it was occupying. He wanted to put his nose in those curls licking Duo's cock. He wanted to put his tongue underneath it and lick his way up the vein, all the way to the slit at the top. His craving was so specific and detailed, he felt off balance.

He put his hand on Duo's hip, and moved his thumb back and forth over Duo's hipbone, tracing the edge of the finger bruises there. He dragged his eyes up, and found Duo hiding behind his bangs. His other hand came up to brush away the hair falling over Duo's face.

The taste of Duo flooded his mouth, and he badly wanted to take Duo's lips. He gently pulled his hands away from Duo's body. "You don't need to justify yourself to me, Duo. I'm not going to judge you."

Duo weighed things, and Trowa could see his thoughts behind his eyes. He slowly pulled up his boxers and jumpsuit, his eyes still on Trowa. "Yeah. Well. I don't... I don't want you to think that..."

Trowa crossed his arms over his chest. "I still say you can do better."

"Can I." It wasn't a question or a challenge, but there was something in Duo's eyes that made Trowa think of blushing. "Well maybe. And maybe not. It's sorta up to me, isn't it?" Duo zipped up his jumpsuit, and leaned against the tile behind him.

Trowa nodded, tucking his hands under his elbows to keep them from reaching out. "Yeah."

Duo nodded. He seemed to half move away and half stay where he was, an animated movement slightly aborted. "So, what are you doing on Sunday, then?"

Trowa inclined his head to the right. "You don't like to make plans."

Duo smiled and almost laughed. "But I like to know what I'm getting into."

"Call me Saturday night, and find out." It wasn't flirtatious, although Trowa realized that he could have made it sound so after he had said it.

Duo grinned, and nodded.

When Trowa got back to his desk, he opened a few documents that he was supposed to have been working on, but instead he just saw Duo's cock, resting in the curls, and the balls behind them. He dug his fingernails into his thighs right above his knees, and felt the sluggish burn of arousal permeate his flesh. He considered briefly masturbation, and the thought of touching himself, much less touching himself in the office, was enough to repulse the sensation.

At least the image of Duo's cock in his brain kept him awake all afternoon. His boss even commended him for taking his lecture to heart.

* * *

  


Trowa disliked the lamp in his living room intensely. It had been on sale, and economy had dictated its purchase, but it had a red base, and Trowa disliked red. It also had tassels hanging from its shade. It was hideous.

It did, however, provide an excuse to keep the lights in the living room off, as it only compounded its sins of existence when it was turned on. Tonight was strange, though. Trowa had felt oddly energized ever since Duo had exposed himself, and so he was sitting on his couch, attempting to put some buttons on a couple of shirts that had lost them. The shirts had been in a pile in the back of his closet for months now, but it was a way to occupy his fingers and keep his mind from getting too distracted.

He turned the tv on, and despite the fact that he couldn't find anything worth watching, he left it on. It was on the station that showed what was on all the other stations, cycling through the list of programs with cheery jazz music as accompaniment. He pulled the thread through the cloth slowly, careful of his fingers as he did, taking such precise care that each button was taking up to a half and hour to sew onto the shirt again. 

Trowa didn't like to use scissors frivolously, so he just tore the thread with his teeth, which made it awfully difficult to thread the needle. He found the almost impossible task of slipping a frayed thread through the narrow opening of the needle soothing in a headache-inducing way.

When the vidphone rang, he poked his finger with the needle. He was so vexed with the tiny prick of blood, he let the 'phone ring nine times before he answered it.

He stood next to the phone, and leaned over a little. He was still out of the line of sight of the camera, but he could see the screen a bit.

"Trowa?"

"Hello, Catherine."

Catherine smiled at the sound of his voice. "Trowa! You sound well. How are you?"

Trowa rubbed his hand over his forearm slowly. "Sure, fine. You?"

Catherine nearly bounced in her seat with excitement. "Oh, I'm fine! You know the circus life... Something new every day, and more trouble in a day than a sane person can deal with in a week. It's great!"

Trowa lowered his head, half of him feeling the urge to smile. "That's good." He spoke too softly for the microphone to pick it up, so Catherine barreled onward.

"Sasha has a new cat. She's been too involved with acclimating the other cats to do most of her chores. Everyone's been really supportive, though, and helping out. Even the ringmaster!"

Trowa nodded, his throat a little too choked up for him to speak. He missed the cats and other animals second to only Catherine. Sasha had been hired to take Trowa's place in the circus; he had never met her, nor did he ever hope to do so.

He let her chat on happily about the circus, the new guy she was training for her knife throwing act, the new acrobat, and the last time she had tried to go out with the girls for a few drinks.

Her voice was hardly soothing, but Trowa found himself getting tired from listening to her. His head dipped rhythmically. He felt a little like he was having a pleasant dream, and the effect was so hypnotic, he never even thought to interrupt her.

Catherine was so excited to be able to talk to her 'brother' for more than five minutes, she barely even noticed that he wasn't talking back to her. Trowa was waiting for when she would ask him about therapy, like waiting for the dream to pick up the recurring thread of a nightmare. But she kept talking, sometimes betraying sense of nervousness, and sometimes sounding perfectly happy to babble on endlessly. 

"Oh, Trowa, I nearly forgot!" He lifted his head, waiting for the pendulum to swing the other way. "Remember Kat and Vic? And the circus they were forming? Well, it's really taking off, and they are going to be setting up near you soon! I think they are putting up the tents this weekend at the... wait, let me check... damn, I had it here a minute ago... something like Janeyes Fairgrounds... no, wait, here it is... Jamesay Fairgrounds. That's close to you now, right?"

Trowa inched his face around the edge a little more, so he could see Catherine better. "Yeah." He spoke exactly loudly enough so that he could be heard.

Catherine smiled broadly. "Great! You should visit them! I know they'd love to see you. Everyone misses you so much. You should call sometime..."

Feeling a little of the bitterness that often overtook him when talking to Catherine, Trowa retreated to the wall, leaning back until he was sitting on the floor. He let Catherine talk for another few minutes before he cut her off.

"I'm really tired, Catherine."

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realize... and I've just been going on and on... Sorry! Well... sleep well, Trowa." She sounded desperately hopeful.

He thought that he should probably feel a bit guilty for that, but he couldn't. "'Night." He turned the 'phone off from the floor quickly.

Sitting there, the living room suddenly felt inordinately bright. It was like moving through cement, getting on his feet and turning off the light. He left the pile of shirts where they were. Perhaps in the morning he would feel like tackling them again.

He showered quickly, washing his hair mechanically. He forgot to shave, which irritated him when he was dressing for the night, but not enough to bother doing anything about it. 

Just as he was about to get into bed, he thought about asking Duo to go with him to the circus. That thought was immediately followed by the hope that Duo didn't already have plans with Heero.

He then felt too weary for bed, so he sat in the window to watch the night in the alley.

It was a source of constant vexation to him that there weren't even a single alley cat or rat in his neighborhood.

* * *

  


Saturday almost didn't exist for Trowa. He moved in such painful slowness through the day that each moment stretched out to the point of tearing apart. His limbs felt like they were weighted down, and when he moved from room to room, it was like walking through water.

At some point, he fell into bed, and once there, he came to the conclusion that since he was planning on being in bed again later in the day, it would be more efficient to stay in bed. He didn't sleep, actually, but he found some strange relaxation in being immobile with soft, cottony sheets enwrapping him. For hours on end, he would rub his cheek against his pillow, and watch his hair fan out around his forehead.

When the 'phone rang, he wasn't even sure what day it was. He was pretty sure he didn't want to get out of bed, but it kept ringing and ringing and ringing... It was easier to get out of bed then to try to pretend he wasn't hearing it.

Quatre wasn't usually so insistent, and Catherine had just called. Suspicious, Trowa clicked the 'phone on from the side, and stood carefully out of view, only barely able to see the screen himself. 

"Trowa? Ya there, man? Damn it, Trowa, get in front of the 'phone!" 

Trowa grinned to himself. Duo certainly had a way with language. "Yeah."

Duo glared at the screen, waiting not so patiently for Trowa to appear. "Finally. I forgot who was going call who. So, didja still wanna do something today?"

Trowa blinked twice. "There's a circus setting up out of town. We can take a train out, check it out. I know the people who run it."

Duo just stared blankly at the screen for a moment before reacting. "Um, great. 'Cept, let's not be at the mercy of a train schedule. I can get a ride; meet you at yours in an hour?"

"You have a car?"

"I have access to a car."

"You aren't going to steal one, are you?" Trowa didn't really distrust Duo, but it was better to be very clear in situations involving felonies.

"Relax, Trowa. You'll be ready?"

Trowa nodded slowly, not really sure what he was responding to, watching as Duo smiled at him. He turned off the 'phone quickly before Duo's smile reached the stunning point. It was still too early in what was apparently a day for him to be stunned.

* * *

  


Trowa went down to the lobby five minutes after Duo said he would be there. He wasn't doing anything else. He combed his hair until he got bored of the repetitive motion, and then he straightened his shirt, then he stood in the kitchen with his refrigerator door open, trying to determine if he had anything in there he might bring along for the trip.

He ambled down the stairs, checking seven times to be sure that he had his keys. When he got to the door, he was annoyed that he hadn't thought to ask Duo what kind of car he would have. 

It wasn't really an issue, though, as Duo was right outside the door, standing next to his car, carelessly, ignoring everyone's dirty looks. Trowa shook his head once. He hated it when people double-parked. 

The car was sedate, and silver. This seemed so utterly incongruous to Trowa that for a moment, he doubted his eyesight. It was an ordinary, slightly classy, four-door sedan. And it was silver. There was no way this was Duo's car.

"You ready to go?" Trowa never liked it when people started trips like that. Of course he was ready to go; otherwise, he would still be in his apartment.

He walked to the passenger door, waiting resignedly for Duo to move so he could get in. Duo chuckled, his eyes lowered. He had on sunglasses, which Trowa found disconcerting, as if he had lost his internal compass, and he no longer could find his balance. Duo opened the door gentlemanly, exaggerating his gestures as he made room for Trowa to slip into the passenger seat. 

The seats were leather. This upset Trowa on an aesthetic level. They were too plush for his image of a road trip with Duo. The whole day was not working out as he had visualized it, and it made him feel like he was intruding somehow on Duo's time.

Duo popped into the car quickly. He didn't bother to buckle up before he put the car into gear and sped off, edging his way into traffic aggressively. Making his way quickly to the expressway, he chattered at Trowa until they were both at ease enough for some quiet.

Trowa watched as Duo buckled up as he merged into the expressway. Traffic was heavy, the weekend warriors off on their carefully planned adventures were keeping the expressway filled, but traffic was moving, and it wasn't long before Duo was in the far left lane, driving with traffic nearly thirty miles per hour over the speed limit. 

Trowa watched Duo from the periphery of his vision as his eyes blurred over the road and the city whizzing by in ribbons and dizzying panoramas. It was gritty and dirty, but still, Trowa loved the view. Traveling always gave him a sense of place, as if the mile markers and landmarks could position him more definitively.

Duo seemed comfortable behind the wheel. It wasn't a surprise to Trowa that he could handle the stick like a racecar driver, shifting so seamlessly that it felt to Trowa like the car was an automatic. Duo wasn't even paying that much attention; he drove as if the car were an extension of his arms, his eyes darting around and his finger tapping on the wheel in time with the music from the radio. His body was relaxed, almost lounging.

Trowa envied Duo's ease, without bitterness, which was a new enough sensation for Trowa to enjoy wallowing in it for a while. He was skilled, an excellent pilot and driver, but it was something that he had been taught, something that he worked at; if he were to get in the cockpit of a plane today, it would take some work for him to get comfortable again. Duo was more instinctive in his skills.

It was a little infuriating, but Trowa found that he could admire it as well.

When the buildings started to thin out, and they moved into the less crowded areas of the sprawling suburbs, Trowa decided to initiate a discussion, for curiosity's sake.

"Where'd you get the car?" Trowa detected a hint of derision in his voice, but he wasn't at all sure what the source of it might be, so he ignored it.

"Oh. It's Heero's." Duo smiled, shrugging so nonchalantly, it might have been passed off as nothing.

" _Heero's_?" Trowa dubiously considered the door, contemplating the possibility of simply leaving.

Duo laughed, low in his chest. "Yeah, don't worry. He doesn't use it."

Trowa frowned, the look of displeasure appearing to flirt with his lips as they curved downwards. "I didn't realize you were borrowing the car from him."

"Ah, borrow... yeah. Well, like I said, he won't be missing it, since he doesn't use it. Ever." Duo bounced in his seat a little, turning his face so he could see Trowa better. "It was a gift from Relena, actually, for their engagement. It was a big deal. But Heero prefers to use a motorcycle, or a sports car. Or any other form of transportation not gifted to him by his bride-to-never-be." Duo chuckled merrily at his own joke.

Trowa became pensive. "You didn't... did you steal this?" He looked at the steering wheel. He blinked. "Duo... how did you start the car with no key?"

Duo laughed loudly, his eyes crinkled and his cheeks brightened. "Oh, please! That's not hard! What's hard is navigating out of the private garage Relena has the car stored in. Man, I hate those corkscrew ramps in those parking garages! And damn! How many limos can one person have anyway? At least she doesn't still make 'em paint them pink." Duo shuddered, his shoulders shaking and his head quivering.

Trowa examined the dash evenly. He wasn't sure how to react to this news, and he hoped to find an answer in the smooth leather and fake wood of the dash. Duo had stolen Heero's car, and he had to get it out of one of Relena's private garages to do so. 

Actually, it was kind of funny, but he felt too attached to his indignation to appreciate the humor at this juncture.

Perhaps later, when he was alone.

Duo made his way to the exit, and Trowa directed him to the Fairgrounds. It wasn't hard to find a place to park, since the circus was still setting up, but he number of trucks and workers made it difficult to navigate their way around.

The sun was shining brightly, and the wind was just crisp enough to make it a perfect fall day. Trowa kept his hands in his pocket. He felt just a little nervous. He hadn't seen Kat and Vic since before he had been in the hospital. He didn't know what they knew, but given the way gossip seeped through circus folk, Trowa was pretty sure they had heard something, and that whatever they had heard would only bear the most passing relationship to the truth.

It made his steps heavier, to face this.

Duo, on the other hand, was loafing happily through the fairgrounds, his braid swinging behind him as he walked. He wasn't trying to make conversation, but he was keeping pace with Trowa, entertaining himself by gawking at the work being done to get the circus and fairway ready. 

Trowa felt a soothing sensation as he watched Duo. He was glad he had asked the other man to join him; Duo would make the reunion pass smoothly, Trowa could just feel it. Duo had that way about him. People liked him. It was some combination of his looks, his charm, and his wit. He could make any social situation pass more smoothly.

Duo was wearing a faded denim shirt over a black t-shirt, and black jeans. The t-shirt was loose, with a wide neck, and the denim shirt flared open as Duo moved. Trowa watched Duo's neck from the corner of his eye. It was actually fairly rare for Duo to expose his neck, as he usually had a penchant for turtlenecks or jackets that buttoned or zipped up right to his neck. But from therapy, Trowa had become familiar with Duo's neck, and that line right behind the ear where Duo was particularly sensitive, which was now being exposed as his braid was veering to the other side, giving Trowa a good view of the landscape. 

Trowa stubbed his toe on a rock, and bit the inside of lip, cursing himself silently as he forced his gaze to the grass in front of him.

Kat and Vic were in the ringmaster's trailer, going over the books in preparation for the opening. It felt a bit odd walking into the ringmaster's trailer, and not finding the ringmaster Trowa knew. Kat had grown her hair out since Trowa had last seen her, and it made him feel uncomfortable, as if it were a sign that too much time had passed. Vic was wearing a t-shirt with the circus' slogan emblazoned across the front, and it made him look a little silly, an older man in a younger man's clothes.

"Trowa!" Kat jumped off the desk and threw her arms around Trowa's neck, swinging him around a little as she hugged him. "God, you look great! It's been so long!"

"Trowa." Vic had always been more reserved than the average circus performer, and Trowa respected that immensely. He nodded at Vic tightly, forcing a smile onto his face as he did. "It's good to see you."

"And who is this?" Kat kept an arm around Trowa's neck as she turned to Duo. "Do you have a boyfriend, Tro?"

Duo laughed, his shoulders relaxed as he waved with one friendly gesture, his fore and middle fingers extended. "Hey. Name's Duo, and _Tro_ and I go way back."

"A friend of Trowa's is a friend of ours," Vic declared solemnly, though still managing to be warm. "Well, have you had a chance to look around? What do you think of our circus?"

"Vic and I are so excited to have a former performer here," Kat interrupted anything Trowa might have said quickly. "No one else really has been able to get away from their own stuff to see us. We've been working really hard, recruiting some great people, we've had to train a lot of people, but they've been coming along great and everyone here is really pulling their weight..."

"Kat." Trowa stopped her with a low, insistent tone. "Everything looks great."

"You guys will wanna catch up." Duo scratched the back of his head broadly. "I can go..."

Trowa's eyes became wild, begging Duo not to move an inch, but fortunately, he didn't have to say anything, because Vic came around his desk and threw his arm around Duo's shoulder.

"Nonsense, m'boy! Come, sit, talk! Trowa is too quiet to satisfy Kat's curiosity; you will need to help up translate his many blank stares."

Duo laughed, blushing slightly from Vic's immediately intimate nature. There was a hesitancy in his body language that took Trowa a long time to interpret. It was halfway through Duo's story about the time he got sea sick on a tourist boat because of the five-year-old jumping on his bench that Trowa figured out what was making Duo so twitchy; Vic and Kat were assuming that Duo was his lover.

Trowa wasn't sure _exactly_ why that made Duo nervous, and he didn't understand how it made _him_ feel that Duo was nervous about that, but he did have a sense of relief that he had figured it out.

Kat and Vic took to Duo like kittens to other kittens. After they had traded a few stories and dissected the latest storyline in whatever television show they were talking about, Trowa began to feel like he was the outsider in the group, a feeling that was so commonplace to him, it almost made him feel more comfortable. He watched Duo talk to Kat and Vic, his hands moving through the air uselessly and head bouncing as he spoke, making his braid twitch, and he imagined that Duo was his lover, and that he was introducing him to distant cousins. It would be much like this - Trowa sitting back as Duo worked to impress his lover's relatives, no matter how distantly they were related. It wasn't even difficult to cast Duo in the role of his lover, as the taste of Duo's flesh filled his mouth until he felt like he was going to have to swallow.

Trowa leaned back in his folding chair, smiling gently.

Kat was watching Trowa as much as she was watching Duo. Trowa could feel her eyes on him, but he ignored them. The similarity to Catherine's eyes on him was passing enough for him to have the sense of familiarity divorced from any sense of responsibility; he pretended not to notice as she surreptitiously eyed his arms.

Twice during their conversation, they were interrupted by circus business, and when the third panicked knock to the door halted the flow of chatter, Vic reluctantly admitted that they had a lot of work to do; the circus was opening on Wednesday and they both had long to do lists still depressingly full. Duo stood up rapidly upon this declaration, his nervousness covered only partially by his smile.

"We certainly don't want to keep you from your work, right?" Duo looked at Trowa hopefully, taking a half a step toward the door as he spoke.

Trowa shrugged, noncommittally. "Good luck with your run. We'll come up later, if we can." Trowa didn't look at Duo as he said 'we,' speaking so casually he trusted it would be easily interpreted any way that Duo wanted. 

Kat grinned from ear to ear. "You should feel free to roam around, entertain yourselves. A lot of our people are off today, the performers that is, while they set up the midway. In fact," she winked at Trowa, "if you wanted to get a bit of a workout, the main tent is all set up and tested out. The practice net is up, even, so you could see how you like our arrangements, and maybe try to work on getting some muscle back on those bones of yours."

Trowa didn't smile, but his eyes cleared. "All right."

Duo looked from one person to the other, not really sure what was going on, but not really looking to extend his time in the trailer either. He shook Vic's hand, and let Kat hug him, and blushed as she teased him about letting himself get saddled with a guy like Trowa.

Vic put his hand on Trowa's shoulder, squeezing tightly enough to make Trowa want to wince. "We're glad to see you, Trowa, and be able to spend this time with you. Remember that, won't you?"

Trowa ducked his head in what could have been an affirmative, his eyes closed as he pulled away from Vic's grip. Kat grabbed him into a hug, holding on for much longer than Trowa was happy with, her body trembling a little. Trowa was getting concerned when suddenly Kat was speaking to him, too quietly for anyone else to hear.

"For the love of all that is good and holy, Trowa, don't ever scare us like that again, please?"

The embarrassment threatened to choke Trowa to death. He extricated himself from her embrace gently but quickly, keeping his eyes down as he exited the trailer, heading determinedly into the direction his head was pointing as he walked out the door.

He could hear Duo calling out goodbyes, but he wasn't waiting for the other man. He watched the grass under his feet as he moved away from them, Kat's words haunting him. The smell of blood taunted him, and he felt a little lightheaded. The sunlight seemed unnaturally bright, reminding him of his blood soaking into his hair as he stared in to the bare bulb over the mirror over the sink. 

"Hey! Hey, Trowa!" Duo ran to catch up to Trowa, scowling. "Trowa, damn it, where the hell are you going?"

Trowa stopped so abruptly that Duo passed him before he was able to stop. He kept his eyes down. The grass was thick and a deep, healthy green, but it had been trampled enough already that it was limp. Trowa imagined what it would be like after all the people visiting the circus were done stomping over it. He preferred it when the circus visited the colonies; the grass in the colonies was engineered to be more resilient than the naturally occurring grass on Earth.

"Mind if I have a smoke while you brood?" Duo sounded irritated, which Trowa would have felt guilty about if he could have.

Duo pulled out the cigarettes from his back pocket, tapping the packet impatiently against his thigh for a minute. He expertly pulled out a cigarette with his teeth, shoving the pack away quickly as he fished for his lighter. In the wide-open space of the great outdoors, the smell of cloves was so diluted that Trowa could only detect the trace of it. Duo sucked on the end of the cigarette like he was taking the first breath in open air after coming in from a space walk. He blew the air out slowly through his teeth, and the trails of smoke lingered and wound around each other as they wafted away.

It was calming even to watch it.

"Sorry." Trowa didn't sound the least bit apologetic, which was only natural, given he didn't feel the least bit apologetic, but he thought it was the proper place to start.

"Right." Duo rolled his eyes, taking another long drag. "Never mind. I know how you feel."

Trowa watched Duo as the other man pointedly didn't look at him for a moment, analyzing the veracity of his statement coldly. All the tension had bled out of Duo's body, and he seemed so disconnected to anything around him that Trowa had a hard time not believing him.

"Anyway, no harm done." Duo took another drag, a short one, and met Trowa's eyes. "Your friends are nice."

Trowa nodded slowly, feeling his agreement seep through his skin.

Duo grinned. "Vic is kinda hot, in an old guy sorta way."

Trowa's expression lightened humorously, shaking his head. "He used to be a woman."

Duo actually did a double take. "No! Not seriously!" Trowa nodded emphatically, grinning cryptically from under his bangs. "Damn! Those surgeries get better and better all the time!"

Trowa barked a quick laugh, finding Duo's shock soothing. "Yeah. Well." He indicated with his chin the direction of the main tent. "Shall we?"

Duo made an exaggerated gesture of gentlemanly deferment, allowing Trowa to precede him. They walked to the main tent unhurriedly, and for the first time that day, the sunshine didn't aggravate Trowa. 

Entering the main tent of the circus was the closest thing Trowa had to understand a religious experience. The sunlight, filtered through the thick canvass of the tent, was ethereal, and the dust in the air and the sawdust on the ground was like incense. Trowa's eyes were immediately drawn to the center of the tent, and the two large poles holding up the tent, in between which was the rig for the trapeze. The landing for the trapeze was over sixty feet in the air, and the wires and the swings were like gossamer threads in the air, like the beginning of a spider web.

Duo whistled low, shoving his hands into his pocket as he walked around in ever-larger circles. "Wow. This is so much bigger from here than it is from the stands, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Trowa would have been surprised at his tone of voice, except he wasn't paying attention. 

"How did you ever learn to do this stuff?" Duo watched Trowa, smirking despite himself.

Trowa shrugged. "Didn't. Just... did it." Trowa walked slowly to the ladder leading up to the trapeze. The soft crush of loose dirt and sawdust under his feet was so achingly familiar, he felt like he had been transported back in time. He regarded the ladder benevolently. 

Duo came to stand next to him, not encroaching upon Trowa's space, but quietly questioning Trowa discreetly. 

Trowa turned to face Duo, a small smirk hiding on his lips. "Want to fly?"

Duo watched Trowa start climbing up that ladder, just watching for a moment as Trowa gracefully went from one rung to the next. Trowa was aware of the moment when Duo started to heft his way up as well, but he kept his eyes up. He could feel it crawling up his spine, the thrill of being in the air, of being free, and he clamped down on the feeling, trying to hold it, trying to stop it.

The sound of Duo behind him only added to the tickle of thrill. He was glad that they had both dressed casually; it wasn't the same as being in tights, but given that they both had training and experience in _extreme_ situation, Trowa didn't think it would be a problem. 

He stood on the platform solidly, and the feeling that he was trying to hold onto slipped away, and filled him. He could feel the blood slushing through his veins, his heart pumping in his chest, his diaphragm heaving... 

He felt more alive in this moment than he could remember feeling in a long time, and the terror that trickled under his fingers only heightened the sensation. It was a long fall from here, and he didn't want to fly alone. 

The only time Quatre had come to visit him in the circus, between the wars, Trowa had tried to convince him to join him in the air. Quatre had actually laughed at the idea, before expressing disgust when he realized that Trowa was serious. 

Trowa picked up the bag of chalk, and rolled it around in his hand. The routine of it soothed his jangled nerves as he mentally charted out what he was going to do up here.

"You know, Tro, when you asked me if I wanted to fly, I had something else entirely in mind. It's not nice to tease, you know." Duo winked as he got his bearing on the platform, finding it awkward to share the space.

Trowa squeezed the bag in his hand, rolling it so it was like a ball. "I know that, but I didn't realize you did."

"Ha. Wow, how far up are we, anyway?" Duo stared down at the ground, mesmerized by the vertigo. 

"Fifty feet," Trowa replied calmly, "but the net is twenty-five feet down."

"Then I can't get hurt, huh?" Duo peered down, looking for the net.

Trowa shrugged. "You could easily dislocate a limb." He and Duo stared at each other for a moment. "Just stay loose, and if you fall, relax. Also... don't push it. If it's close, just let yourself fall. The net is safer than trying to hang on when the momentum is carrying you away."

Duo swallowed hard as Trowa slipped the bar off its hook. Trowa toed off his shoes, and pulled his socks off by pressing his heel onto some of the slack at his toes. Duo quickly followed suit, slipping off his denim shirt at the same time. 

"It's simple, really. You'll probably wonder why you were so nervous when we're done. You swing out on this bar," Trowa held up the bar in his hand, "to the bar in the middle, called the fly bar. Now, usually there's a catcher to swing you around, but it's just the two of us, playing around. I'll go out first, get the bars swinging. You catch this bar when it comes back, and when I give the signal, you come out. And we'll just swing around until one of us... well, you... falls. Ok?"

Duo nodded slowly, obviously controlling his breathing as he stared off the edge of the platform. "Ok. You swing out, I catch the bar when it comes back, you give me the signal, and we have fun. Got it." Duo turned to face Trowa smirking. "So, you're gonna be my _catcher_ , huh Tro?"

Trowa's lips twitched. "Don't count on it."

Abruptly, Trowa leaped off the platform, gracefully swinging out to the fly bar. Duo patiently waited on the platform, admiring Trowa's form as he moved through the air. When the bar came back, he caught it with both hands, clutching it nervously. He inched out to the edge of the platform, the bar held firmly in the palms of his hands, as he waited.

Trowa could see him at all times, a skill that was essential for any acrobatic act. Duo looked small, standing with his toes carefully lined up at the edge of the platform. Trowa wasn't thinking about Duo too much, though. The air was whooshing around him, heightening the sensation of speed as he moved. 

It was all about speed. Momentum, speed, and timing. It was the purest thing that Trowa had ever experienced. The jangle of the wires as they started their pendulum dance, the feel of the air over his body, the way everything blurred around him until the only thing that was solid was the bar he was reaching for, it all coalesced in Trowa's perceptions to create the whole that was this moment, this pure, adrenaline-fueled moment of freedom.

When the swinging was just right, he gave the signal. He could feel it as much as he could see it; Duo swung out with a lot of power, and was coming in fast. He let go instinctively at the perfect moment, at the top of his swing, and was heading for the fly bar. Trowa caught the bar, and then quickly repositioned so he was hanging from his knees. Reaching out, he found Duo was in just the right place, just the right time, at just the right speed. 

The slap of flesh against flesh was deafening. Trowa smiled, his eyes blazing as he met Duo's wild eyes. They swung back, and when Trowa felt them reach the highest point of the swing, he released Duo gently, letting him fly away.

They swung back and forth once more, and Duo actually winked at him when Trowa caught him.

Trowa was in the middle of a flip when he heard it. It was a small noise, but unmistakable. The burning slip of flesh over the bar, and the scream of air over a falling body.

He repositioned himself on the bar as soon as he could, quickly checking Duo's position. He could hear it before he saw it; Duo was falling fast, his braid just a streak behind him as he fell to the tent at top speed.

"Duo!" Trowa jumped off the bar he was on, diving leisurely to the net. 

Duo was making a noise, and at the speed Trowa was at, he couldn't distinguish what kind of noise it was exactly. His brain was working even faster than his body; he imagined Duo hitting the net at high speed, dislocating his shoulder, maybe even dislocating a vertebrae. 

As soon as Trowa hit the net, he tried to move in it, getting to Duo as quickly as possible. It was hard to move in the net; the only way to do it, really, was to crawl. The net was bouncing too, swinging up and down like the tide. It felt like it was taking forever to get there, and the sound of Duo's cries invigorated his muscles to push faster and harder.

When he got to Duo, though, his whole body relaxed as he realized that Duo was actually laughing.

Duo's eyes were closed as he laughed, his arms around his waist, he was laughing so hard. His hair was all in frazzles around his face, his braid messily hanging down a hole in the net. Trowa continued to crawl to Duo's side, the _fear_ draining out of him, leaving him feeling blessedly empty. Trowa got to Duo's side, and he placed one hand on the net next to Duo's shoulder, and his other hand on the net on the other side of Duo's chest, looking down on Duo, carefully assessing, making sure that Duo was, in fact, fine.

Duo was too damn fucking gorgeous for his own good.

His face was bright, his cheeks glowing as he laughed harder and harder. Trowa wanted to put his body down over Duo's, to feel Duo's humor and heat, to press his face against Duo's neck, to feel Duo against him everywhere.

Trowa gently brushed the stray hair out of Duo's face, letting his fingertips run over the edge of Duo's face lightly and slowly.

Duo's eyes opened slowly, and he looked up at Trowa with absolute delight. " _That_ was _so_ much fun! We have to do that again!"

Trowa didn't move for a moment, just hovering over Duo, smiling gently down at the other man. He was painfully cognizant of how close they were to each other. The memory of Duo's kiss lingered on his lips teasingly. Pulling himself away, Trowa reached out a hand. "Let's go."

Duo seemed much more sober now, and they bungled their way to the safety wire at the edge of the net slowly, holding hands.

For the next three hours, they swung like monkeys from one bar to the other, falling every so often. Duo would laugh and jump in the net each time, until Trowa was actually chuckling a little too. By the end of their session, Trowa had even taught Duo how to catch, successfully grabbing Trowa twice before they fell again.

The fifteenth time they fell, Vic and Kat were waiting for them at the edge of the center ring.

"Damn, I'm gonna have to call Catherine and tell her she's been replaced!" Kat winked at Trowa, throwing her arm around Duo's shoulders. "Please tell me you've done this before. Please tell me there aren't more like _that_ one out there!"

Duo chuckled, ducking his head down to hide his blush from Kat. "Oh, I was born in a tree, dontcha know? And Cathy can't get too upset with me... at least I don't throw knives at him." He winked at Kat, wiggling his eyebrows foolishly.

Vic shook his head. "Tro, I'm sorry, but the Totania's need to practice, so..."

Trowa shrugged, picking up their shoes and socks, which they had fortunately remembered to bring down during one of their many trips back and forth. "No problem, Vic. Thanks for letting us fly; I know it's an insurance issue."

Vic waved his hands in the air dismissively. "Bah! I know you better than that! I'm just glad you had a good time."

Kat shook Duo as they walked together. "Now, we're trusting you to keep an eye on that boy, Mr. Maxwell. He's a trouble maker and a nuisance and a conversational dead weight, but he's the only one we've got so we'd like to keep him."

"No prob, Kat. I personally think he's got a couple of handy household uses, anyway." Duo winked as he spoke, but he was obviously a little embarrassed to be continuing the misperception of the nature of their relationship. 

Trowa smirked, a little unreasonably happy that Duo was willing to deceive Kat and Vic.

They were back on the expressway very shortly afterwards, and Trowa was a little surprised at how late it was. He hadn't much noticed the sun going down while he and Duo were flying. There was a suspension of something in the air between them that he couldn't place, and he wished the road would just stretch out and go on forever, so they could stay in this comfortable silence and be together in the car forever.

He nearly sighed when Duo exited the expressway.

There was a need for speech as they got closer and closer to Trowa's building, and it irritated Trowa immensely. He picked through over a dozen possibly phrases before getting bored of it, deciding to just say something instead.

"Thanks for coming with."

Duo turned to him with a smile that would have blinded him if he were looking directly at Duo's eyes. "Naw, thank _you!_ Today was awesome, man. I've never done anything like that before... It was so cool!"

Trowa nodded, smiling loosely. "Next best thing to being in a Gundam."

"You can say that again," Duo whistled low, the depth of his agreement evident. "That moment when you first jump off, and the ropes are still slack, and then there's the pull, and you're moving like lightening... Damn, that's just fuckin' awesome."

Trowa nodded in agreement, settling in comfortably against the smooth leather of the seat. "Do you... would you like help returning the car?"

"Nah," Duo shook his head, sounding a bit regretful. "It's kinda... a one-man job, ya know? But thanks. And really..." He turned the corner to pull up in front of Trowa's building. "Thanks. Today was great." 

The car slowed to a stop, and Trowa reluctantly unbuckled, getting ready to get out. When he turned to say goodbye to Duo, the other man was clearly thinking of saying something. "Well..." Trowa waited, hoping Duo was going to spit it out, because he wasn't sure how to ask him what was on his mind.

Duo's brow was furrowed. His mouth opened to speak slowly. "I'll... see you tomorrow, right, for lunch?"

Trowa nodded, almost happily.

Duo grinned. "Tell me Tro. Why didn't you kiss me?"

Trowa didn't have to ask what Duo meant. He considered the question for the first time. "I suppose I didn't want to spoil a great moment."

Duo smiled, his eyes turning inward. "Ah. Well." He leaned across the seat, and kissed Trowa on the cheek. "That would have been a shame." He winked at Trowa.

"'Night." Trowa opened the door and got out, waiting at the curb until Duo successfully pulled away.

All night long, as he watched the alley, he remembered the afternoon, pouring over every last detail in minutia, mentally reliving it until it was sealed permanently in memory.

* * *

  


It had been a long morning. Monday mornings always dragged on like they were being physically pulled out of the hole of the weekend, but this morning, Trowa would have preferred a refreshing bout of bloody torture to break up the tedium.

Also, his game of minesweeper was defying his dominance, and that was only making it all worse.

So, when Duo called him at 11:15 to ask him if he wanted to go to lunch, he was out of his chair before he had even hung up the phone.

They met at the corner closest to Trowa. Duo was there first, just lighting his cigarette, needing to huddle against the wind to get it lit. He sucked hard on the end of the cigarette, looking like he needed it to survive.

Trowa smiled a little before he got to Duo; it was good to know that it wasn't just _his_ morning that was dragging.

Duo's cheeks were pinked a little, from the wind and chill most likely, but the tiny splotches of color in the center of his cheeks highlighted the structure of his face, and Trowa was immediately struck that someone who grew up on some of the meanest streets there are in the whole of the Earthsphere was so fine. He was distracted enough by his wonder that he appeared totally unaffected when he got to Duo's elbow.

Duo grinned at him, holding his cigarette over his mouth as he did. "Heya Tro. How's it going?"

Trowa made a gesture that didn't mean anything at all. "Where do you want to go?"

Duo took a slow, satisfying drag, and half shrugged. "Dunno. The Abbey?"

Trowa nodded. The Abbey was a small Irish pub near the headquarters that almost no one ever went to for lunch, even though the food was distinctly non-Irish, because it was considered more of a night place. They walked together amiably, pacing together without difficulty. The sun was still out, but in the downtown area, it wasn't as oppressive, reflected off the steel and concrete. Trowa found that the sunshine in the city was actually enjoyable. That, in addition to the bite of the wind and the sensation of closeness to Duo, made it seem like the morning was over and the day was just beginning. 

It wasn't a feeling Trowa was at all used to, so he stuffed his hands in his pockets and tried to ignore it.

They seated themselves in a dark corner of the bar, and Duo handed Trowa one of the small menus in a dirty plastic sheath from the holder at the end of the table. Trowa stared at it for long moments before he recognized the markings on the paper as words.

"Mind if I have a drink?" Duo's question seemed completely fatuous, since Trowa had assumed that Duo picked a bar for lunch so that he could drink. Since Duo didn't appear to even remember that he had asked a question, Trowa didn't feel any need to answer.

The waitress came to see them, looking like she was still waking up. Duo smiled up at her, and she got all rosy. Trowa wondered if he could smile at someone like that, but decided quickly that it would probably take a lot of effort.

Duo ordered a Guinness, and Trowa ordered a lemonade. The girl wandered off, sticking her pencil in apron distractedly, so it took her several tries to get it to stay.

Duo groaned and stretched out over the table, his long arms pushing across the table so that the network of fingers he had intertwined nearly touched Trowa. "Man, my back is killing me today! I guess I should have stretched out after our workout yesterday!"

Trowa felt an alien stab of guilt, which left an unpleasant look on his face. "Sorry..."

"Don't be," Duo smirked up at Trowa, his arms still stretched out over the table. "I had more fun yesterday than I had with my best orgasm. I always wanted to run away and join the circus, but it never came to L2 when I was a kid."

Trowa fidgeted in his chair, his blood unsettled. "Me too."

Duo sat up again, slouching in his seat. "So, yesterday was good for you, too." His voice was sexy and suggestive.

Trowa blinked, and his eyes went down to his fingertips curling around the edge of the tabletop. "Yes, but I was talking about wanting to run away to the circus."

"Ach, at least you did get a chance to eventually. What a rush, man. That so is flying." Duo scratched the back of his head, making his braid twitch. 

Trowa's lips twitched in what might have turned into a grin. "I know."

The waitress came to the table, carrying the drinks precariously. Duo's eyes were suddenly riveted to the flow of creamy stout jiggling over the rim of his glass. His face blanked out, and for a moment, Trowa thought Duo might stab the waitress with his blunt knife.

Instead, as soon as she got close to the table, Duo reached out and took the glass from her in a parody of gentility. He put it down carefully, his eyes riveted to the rim and the creamy top of his stout. 

"So, honeys, what'll ya have?" She grinned at Duo as if she had not just threatened the sanctity of his Guinness.

Trowa spoke up first, ordering a soup and small salad. He didn't look at the waitress, and he spoke exactly loudly enough, by his estimation, to be heard. When she asked him to repeat what he said, he pursed his lips and furrowed his brow, offended by her lack of respect for his estimation of her hearing.

Duo ordered a grilled cheese sandwich, and substituted French fries for the potato chips. She sloughed off again, walking without picking up her feet. 

Duo sighed, dragging his finger through the stiff creamy foam of the stout. He made a little smiley face, licking his finger when he was done. Trowa found the action of Duo's finger pulling out of his mouth slowly to be insanely pleasing. 

Their conversation, or lack thereof, had eased through their continued interactions into a pattern that each man was comfortable with; Duo did not feel an overwhelming need to stay upbeat, as he knew that Trowa found that annoying, and Trowa did not feel an overwhelming need to feel guilty about not contributing to the small talk. Trowa did ask Duo what he was working on, which enabled Duo to fill the space in time between sips of his stout, which was disappearing rather quickly considering it wasn't noon yet.

The atmosphere of the bar and the established nature of the discourse conspired to make Trowa relax. He even leaned back in his chair, and crossed his legs. It was odd; usually, working days lingered through the hours like a guest you wish would leave but can't quite extricate. This quiet lunch was unsettlingly lackadaisical. 

Their food came, and Trowa stirred his soup dispassionately, watching the whorls in the thick liquid. He even raised the spoon to his lips gingerly, actually enjoying the heat of it next to his lips.

He nearly dropped his spoon when the disturbing ringing began, and he glared at Duo, disgruntled as if he were being woken by an alarm.

Duo had to check a few pockets before he was able to find his cell phone. He opened it, and checked the incoming number before answering. Trowa noticed that he seemed to connect the call rather reluctantly, and that Duo's face seemed to be snarling.

"What? ...No, I can't... Well, I'm at lunch. ...Yeah, normal people eat, you know... No, that won't... I'm at the Abbey, but... This isn't... But why do you... Fine, do whatever the hell you want, you're going to anyway." It's not possible to slam a cell phone to disconnect, but from the force with which Duo pressed the button, it was clear that he was trying to do just that. He regarded his meal with the same forlorn expression a child gives a recalcitrant vegetable that stubbornly refuses to eat itself.

Trowa sipped his soup, and waited patiently for Duo to tell him the Heero was coming.

"So, three guesses who that was, and your first two don't count." Duo picked up his Guinness, and drank it straight to the bottom, signaling the waitress before he was even done drinking. 

Trowa put his soupspoon down in the soup. "Should I go?"

"Hell no!" Duo looked at Trowa like a kitten had just leapt from his mouth. "Heero wants to get away from Relena and Une for an hour, so he's coming to see me. Lucky me. But you don't get off the hook that easily, mister. Heero's no obstacle for anything _we're_ doing."

Trowa pondered what Duo just said and how he said it long enough for the waitress to come and bring Duo another Guinness. Duo did the same thing again, tracing a pattern in the creamy foam and licking his finger clean before sipping it. 

It was a nice habit.

Duo had picked his sandwich apart almost entirely when Heero stormed into the bar. He was wearing a navy blazer, with a green polo shirt under it. Trowa thought that he looked like a kid in a play pretending to be an adult, but he kept that observation to himself, stabbing a tomato wedge and biting off the end of it as Heero reached the table.

"You're drinking?" Heero pulled up a chair as he sneered at Duo. "Lush."

"Nice to see you, too, Heero. You look nice; Relena dressing you again?" Duo smiled cheerfully at Heero, and it underscored to Trowa how much happier Duo looked when he was not smiling at him. 

Heero sighed, aggravated. "Where were you yesterday?"

"Why?" Duo went into a defensive posture immediately, shoving his shoulder in Heero's direction.

"I went by your place, but you weren't home. I thought Sunday was your detox day." Heero grabbed a fry from Duo's plate, acting as if he were saving it from the horror of being eaten by Duo.

Duo grinned. "Tro and I went flying."

Heero glared at Duo sharply. "You're not serious." There wasn't even a hint of a question in his voice. 

"Completely," Duo replied blithely. 

Heero narrowed his eyes, looking from Duo's grin to Trowa's disinterest. "You aren't enough of a fuck up to jeopardize any chance you _might_ have of getting your license back, are you?"

"Aw, Heero, I didn't know you cared." Duo pulled a fry out of Heero's thieving fingers, slipping it between his lips in a slow tease.

Heero's eyes were fixated on Duo's lips and his fingers as Duo cleaned them off thoroughly. There was a nakedness to Heero's attention to Duo that made Trowa feel like a voyeur. Shifting in his chair, Trowa focused on his salad, pretending that he was at another table entirely.

"Tell me you weren't screwing up again." Heero's voice was even and annoyingly patronizing, though there was something in his posture that suggested a hint of real concern as well.

Duo rolled his eyes, massaging his neck, irritated. "Tro and I went to visit some circus friends of his, and we went on the trapeze."

Heero's eyes stayed on Duo for several heartbeats until they shifted deliberately to Trowa. "Spent the day with the freaks and geeks, hm?"

"No, those acts aren't allowed anymore." Trowa calmly lifted a cucumber slice to his mouth. "It's inhumane to the animals."

Duo laughed softly, his eyes sparkling, watching Trowa. Trowa found himself smiling just a little in response.

Heero critically observed one then the other. "If you two are in therapy every week, how come you're both still so crazy? Isn't the doctor any good?"

"God, I hope we never find out." Duo shivered, and Trowa had an image of Dr. Clarkson touching Duo's skin, which made his stomach lurch.

"What?" Heero looked at Duo, confusion clouding his eyes.

"Nothing," Duo shook his head, "private joke."

Heero picked up a piece of Duo's sandwich glumly. "Whatever."

The waitress came by a moment later to ask Heero if he wanted anything. He glared at her as he scoffed at her offer of food or beverage, picking up Duo's Guinness as she walked away, to Duo's consternation.

Lunch at that point was an effort to Trowa, and with Duo and Heero eating off the same plate and drinking out of the same glass, the meal did not stretch out. Heero put money on the table for Duo, walking away after he did to evade any possible offer of thanks from Duo.

They walked back to Preventers' HQ leadenly, and Trowa kept his eyes on the way the sunlight reflected on the sidewalk. Duo pulled out another cigarette, ignoring Heero's judgmental sneer, and he managed to get through two whole cigarettes by the time they reached the corner closest to Trowa's door. 

Duo smiled at Trowa as he prepared to say goodbye, a small hint of regret in the way he shrugged his shoulders as he did. Trowa turned up one corner of his mouth in response.

Heero grabbed Duo's braid and gave it a sharp tug. Trowa frowned at the mistreatment of Duo's hair, his eyes narrowing at Heero.

"Come with me to the store. I need to get some supplies for Relena." Heero managed to ask a question and make it sound more like a dare.

Duo pulled his hair out of Heero's grasp. "I have to get back to work, Heero."

"You can stay late, right." 

Trowa glared at Heero's petulance.

Duo rolled his eyes. "Like I don't have enough trouble with my boss!"

"What does he care? You do your work. Anyway, you need to shake off the beer smell, and I need your help. Let's go." Heero turned and started walking, completely sure that Duo would follow him.

Duo sighed, turning to Trowa. "I'll talk to you later, right?"

Trowa nodded, his expression softening. Duo smiled brightly in response, leaning up quickly to kiss Trowa's cheek. The impression of his lips on Trowa's flesh felt electrified.

Duo caught up to Heero, who had stopped in his tracks. Heero kept watching Trowa with the same accusing glance even after Duo passed him.

That afternoon, Trowa reorganized the files on his hard drive, finding new and inventive ways to be sure that not even he would be able to untangle the web of files later. The image of Heero and Duo sharing a lunch so seamlessly warred with the image of Heero pulling on Duo's braid and biting him, until all of Trowa's thoughts were so jumbled, they refused to come out anymore.

After that, minesweeper was easy.

* * *

  


It was Thursday again, and again they were sitting on Dr. Clarkson's couch, and again Trowa had his arm around Duo. It would almost be routine by now, but Trowa found the experience of holding Duo to be so refined that it was never the same.

Duo was wearing greenish-brown cargo pants that were too big for him and a t-shirt that was too small, and had been slashed open across the front, revealing Duo's chest tantalizingly. He sat so that his back was up against Trowa's body, and his legs were tucked under him. Trowa had his arm across Duo's chest so that he could touch the skin available from the hole. 

Dr. Clarkson was asking Duo about Heero, again, and Duo was purposefully misunderstanding his questions. Trowa wasn't paying close attention. Dr. Clarkson wanted to know if Duo knew what he wanted from his relationship with Heero. Trowa frowned, and put his chin on Duo's shoulder.

He liked the way that Duo's hair felt against his cheek, and the scent of Duo. Duo was so slim... Trowa almost worried about it. Duo wasn't using anymore, so Trowa thought that he should be gaining weight, but maybe not. Maybe that wasn't how it worked. And certainly Trowa wasn't the person to complain about someone else's eating habits. However, as a result, Duo fit snuggly in his arms. It felt like a fit, like he was made to be there, in Trowa's embrace.

Trowa knew that it was an emotional artifact of a physical pleasure; a person naturally felt like the person in their bed was the person who was meant to be there. It was a self-defense mechanism to maintain one's dignity. People were reluctant to admit they were just being whorish.

But Trowa wasn't even sleeping with Duo yet. There were two things there that bothered Trowa. One, he had a sense that he _should_ be sleeping with Duo, that if Heero wasn't around, they would have already had sex. Heero acted territorial enough whenever he was around; surely that meant that Duo was fair game, open to a scavenger's attention if the predator that had captured him got distracted?

The second thing that bothered him was the assumption that they _would_ have sex at some point. As if it were on the calendar, and they just hadn't gotten to it. Trowa enjoyed touching Duo, he enjoyed the kissing, but he was limited to the confines of this couch, and he was uncertain about when he had admitted to himself that he even _wanted_ something like this with Duo, and that there might be a possibility that it wouldn't happen.

Lots of things that are only scheduled get canceled after all.

Trowa's arm snaked down lower and he put his hand over Duo's belly.

The problem was simple; Heero Yuy was currently in a position that Trowa desired. But, Heero was clearly not performing his role satisfactorily, or else Duo wouldn't dismiss the importance of Heero in his life. So, Heero was not an obstacle. Wasn't that what Duo had said?

Duo had also asked Trowa why they hadn't kissed. Implying that it was something that he had anticipated.

So, there was no problem. 

Trowa's hand slipped down to Duo's hip.

Dr. Clarkson was rambling about something; Trowa only knew this because Duo was arching his back, pushing against Trowa's frame with more force. The therapist was getting distracted. But he was still talking.

Trowa filtered his voice out, and thought more about his problem.

There _was_ a problem, because he knew that he and Duo were not going to be having sex tonight. Or anytime in the foreseeable future. He wanted to have sex with Duo. Duo did not appear to be offering any objection to the plan. There should be no problem.

Duo rearranged himself so he had one foot on the couch, and his leg was up, his knee knocking on the back of the couch. As a result, Duo's legs were spread wide apart, and his groin was completely open.

It seemed utterly natural for Trowa's hand to slip into the join between Duo's legs, and cover his groin with his palm. His heart started to pound in his chest, and Trowa could hear his pulse in his ears. Duo was breathing harder next to him, and with each heaving inhalation, his back was pushing against Trowa's chest. 

The problem was that Trowa had never initiated a sexual encounter before; in fact, his experience was extremely limited. He had a few fumbling encounters with Quatre, none of which lead anywhere, and a couple of random events, usually with people who had come to the circus. He knew how to accept an invitation, but he did not know how to offer one.

His hand began to move over Duo's crotch, kneading the flesh slightly. Duo responded with a moan that sent electricity up and down Trowa's spine, enervating every nerve in his body. Duo's body was twisting next to his, and Duo's mouth was suddenly attacking his. 

His hand did not move from its chosen position, but he had to rearrange himself to make room for Duo.

Duo's hands were on his neck, Duo's fingertips pressing into Trowa's skin, tracing the line of his jugular and jaw. Duo's tongue tickled his palette, and Trowa felt his appetite surge.

Duo was under him now, his hand still on Duo's crotch, still kneading, and the flesh under his fingers was no longer pliant. Duo was hard, and aching, if the noises he was making were any indication, and Trowa now knew quite certainly that Duo was loud in bed.

The thought drove Trowa just a little mad, and he pushed his whole body against Duo. Their bodies lined up, and Trowa realized belatedly that he was hard, too, and that his tightly compacted erection was rubbing against Duo's thigh. Duo's hands pulled out Trowa's shirttails, and his hands were now covering Trowa's flesh, one slipping back to try to explore the possibility of access to Trowa's ass. 

Trowa used his teeth to gently pull on Duo's lips. Duo's eyes were half-lidded, and his braid was dragging onto the floor. Trowa had a very strong mental image of Duo's naked body under his, and he shuddered, putting his face against Duo's neck as he tried to restrain his body's impulses.

Duo ran his hand up and down Trowa's spine, his other hand soothing the muscles in the back of Trowa's neck, and he was whispering nonsense in Trowa's ear, a soothing sound that could have been words if Trowa's brain was functioning well enough to interpret them.

The bell rang.

Trowa put his elbows down on the couch and pushed himself up a bit. Duo wasn't as ready to give up contact, and he placed feathery kisses on Trowa's chin and jaw, until he settled back, as contented as a kitten who had made off with a mouthful of food from the table.

Dr. Clarkson was panting, and the two men on the couch ignored him completely.

Getting up off the couch hurt a little, as a thousand little needs begged Trowa to stay put and feast. Duo sat up slowly, pulling his braid forward with a grin. He toyed with the end of it between his legs, and Trowa couldn't resist giving the tuft at the end a little flick.

They stood up slowly, forcibly relaxing their muscles as they did, trying to beat down the residual of their session through force of will. Dr. Clarkson couldn't meet their eyes as he handed them their forms, his downed eyes only making the bulge in his pants more noticeable. Duo sneered at him with disgust as he ripped his form out of the doctor's hand.

They loafed to the elevator. Neither was able to move quickly, and the lingering pace suited their foggy perceptions. Duo pushed the button, leaning his whole body in so his finger cracked, it was so extended.

Trowa enjoyed the burn of desire in his body; it made him feel alive, like he was actually awake and participating in the day. When he thought of the tease of pleasure tickling his nerves as just an appetizer, he could feel his heart pounding again. It was good to be excited about someone again.

Duo pushed the button for the lobby as well, casually leaning against the wall of the elevator. He watched Trowa from the corner of his eye, his body loose and his lips curling mischievously. "Hey Tro."

Trowa raised an eyebrow at Duo.

"You give good therapy."

The smirk on Duo's face opened up into a dazzling smile as Trowa responded to what Duo said. He moved with Duo as the doors opened. As they were walking out of the lobby, he replied quickly, under his breath, "I'm good at a lot of things."

Duo laughed out loud, his mirth echoing off the marble floors of the lobby.

When they got outside, Duo stopped to get a cigarette as always, but this time he jokingly offered Trowa one as well. The rest of the evening seemed to be protracted cool down, as Duo followed Trowa home, and they ate Chinese take out. Duo left early, joking that the only entertainment in Trowa's apartment was pornographic. 

The way he wiggled his eyebrows when he said that made Trowa think that he wasn't referring to movies.

After Duo left, Trowa washed his dishes very carefully, scrubbing each surface several times, and rinsing each dish long enough to drown the porcelain. He then took a long, hot shower, moving the washcloth over his body in slow motion, marveling at the suds.

He sat at the window watching the alley for only a little while before he got restless, and he climbed into bed. He closed his eyes, and imagined things about Duo that made him feel lethargic, and eventually, he was surprised to wake up and see the morning light shining in the window.


	4. Chapter 4

Duo's boots were blocking a small corner of the screen. Trowa leaned over so that his chin was tickled by the fluffy hair on top of Duo's head. 

Duo had insisted that they go see this movie. Trowa had no particular objection, and Duo had seemed so eager, Trowa almost relished the idea of going out on a Friday night. The theater was showing a classic animated feature. Trowa was not the sort of person to get invested in animated stories, but there was sufficient artistry in this to keep him captivated. 

They had gotten to the theater in plenty of time, and purchased two soft drinks, and a small cup of popcorn. Duo had picked the seats, way up in the stadium-seating theater, slouching down in his chair so that he could put his feet up in the space between the seats in front of him. He had wiggled in his chair, getting comfortable, and when he found that elusive perfect position, he had put his face down on Trowa's arm, and promptly fell asleep.

Duo looked blank when he was asleep, all the personality drained from his features. Only his nose retained any character, as it made little bunny-nose movements every few minutes. Trowa watched him unabashedly, until the lights went down, and then he divided his attention between the screen and Duo's face washed weakly in the reflected, flashing light from the screen.

It was a wholly pleasant way to spend the evening; the relaxed intimacy Duo had assumed effecting a soothing warmth through Trowa's circulatory system.

Duo had claimed that they couldn't pass up the chance to see a classic in animation in the theater, and with Duo's head on his shoulder, Trowa was loath to argue with the sentiment. There was a charming quality to the characters that made Trowa wish he believed in magic and spirits. 

He waited until the blue screen with the movie's ratings came up, and the lights were turned on again, before he moved his arm, gently telling Duo's hair, "The movie's over."

Duo blinked twice, his body stiffening in alertness, before recognition slide into relaxation again. Stretching his arms above his head as he pulled his feet down, he grinned at Trowa. "See? Wasn't that a great movie?"

"You didn't see it." Trowa's voice was flat and even, but his eyes betrayed his mirth.

Duo winked at him. "Not this time, no, but I _have_ seen it before. It's one of my favorites."

Trowa shook his head, shrugging as he stood up. "I liked it. It had good music."

"Yeah," Duo agreed hazily. He started to loaf off in the direction of the aisle. "There's nothing like sleeping in a theater. Man, I had the weirdest dream! You were there, but you hadn't been born yet. It was weird. Catherine was walking around with a belly the size of an elephant, screeching 'Trowa wants' this, and 'Trowa wants' that, and Heero was playing a videogame, and he looked like the was five years old, but he kept cursing like a sailor, and Hilde was my shrink, kept telling me that I needed to focus, there were too many distractions in my life."

Trowa was reasonably certain that most of Duo's dream recollections were fanciful, but it was an interesting panorama, anyway. Also, Trowa felt an unreasonable sense of pride from the only partially validated assumption that Duo did not normally sleep well, but that he had with Trowa.

They exited the theater side by side, walking into the crowds on the sidewalk, which parted before them as if they were royalty.

In truth, it was more likely the air of promised danger they carried with them. Trowa had been raised by mercenaries, and mercenaries knew how to impress potential clients with intimidation Whether or not they got a contract was 90% the way they carried themselves when they came to the negotiating table. Trowa had learned unconsciously from them, and so even when he wasn't trying to, he walked as if he was ready to rip out throats. 

Duo was not so rigorously raised, but growing up on the streets, you survived because you learned that there were only two kinds of people in the world - the prey and the predators. Duo schooled himself in predatory arts since he was old enough to school.

Together, they sent off signals that everyone around them picked up on, whether or not they were aware of it.

Trowa's eyes stayed straight ahead. It was different in the daytime. People were less apt to act according to their instincts when the sun was shining. At night, he and Duo owned the streets.

Duo kept his hands in his pockets as he walked, and he shook out the kinks in his neck loosely. Duo's expression gave the impression of smiling, as if he were happy. It was a carefully modulated version of his natural expression, and Trowa admired how easily Duo ingratiated himself with others.

It took him a moment to appreciate the irony - that was the exact reason he had disliked Duo so much during the war.

"Wanna go get a drink?" Duo didn't look at him as he spoke, but his voice was carefully pitched so that Trowa was utterly certain that he was the one for whom the invitation was being issued.

"Sure," Trowa shrugged. He hooked his thumbs in the belt loops of his pants. 

Duo pointed with his chin to the right. "There's a place over there with good music. Usually."

Duo led them to a place called Nemo's, which was dark and loud. There were red couches lining the walls, and a bar in the center, lacquered black, with a mirrored surface. The bartenders were all in black, and they looked extremely bored.

"What's your poison?" Duo had to lean in close to Trowa's ear to be heard. His breath on Trowa's neck tickled.

Trowa had never been a drinker. He had, over the course of his life, perhaps had six drinks total. He hadn't liked any of them. "Gin and tonic." He didn't like gin, or tonic, or the way they tasted when combined, but it was the first thing he thought of, and it was easier to go with that than to think of something else.

Duo nodded. He pointed to a couch in the corner, and went for the bar. Trowa assumed that he knew what Duo meant, so he slipped over to the empty couch, and occupied it.

There were enough people in the bar to make it seem like a good place to be on a Friday night. It was still fairly early, so the gaps in the crowd could be forgiven. Despite the fact that Trowa disliked the company of his fellow men intensely, there was a sense of accomplishment that came with doing something that would appear worthwhile to the average person.

Duo came to the couch holding two drinks, neither of which was a gin and tonic. 

He sat down, and handed Trowa a tall, slim glass of something red and clear. He leaned in closely to speak again, although in this corner was probably possible to talk without such proximity. "I know you ordered a gin and tonic, but you don't strike me as the g 'n' t type, so I got you a vodka and cranberry, um, what do they call 'em, a Cape Cod. Try it, it's juicy."

Trowa idly observed the glass, wondering how the bar washed their glassware before deciding that it didn't matter that much. He just touched his lips to the glass, sipping delicately. The drink was light, with a sharp tang to it. He had to admit, it was better than what he thought it would be. 

He looked over to Duo, who was taking a long pull of his drink. Duo was drinking something Trowa didn't recognize as his eyes scanned the crowd. It wasn't clear to Trowa whether Duo was being cautious, or if he was looking for something.

"What are you drinking?" Trowa leaned in to ask the question, and when he did, his nose brushed aside the hair framing Duo's ear.

Duo smiled, but didn't turn. "It's a whiskey sour. Wanna taste?"

Trowa had once had a whiskey sour, and didn't like it, but he took Duo's offer anyway, leaning forward and letting Duo handle the glass as he took a minuscule sip, putting his lips where Duo's lips had been.

He nodded shortly as he leaned back.

Duo's eyes tracked the bar for a minute longer before he sat back as well, taking another long pull of his drink as he did. He curled his legs up under him, putting his arm behind him on the back of the couch, so that he could face Trowa. Grinning, he leaned in, speaking softly into Trowa's ear, "I used to meet a dealer here. He only sold little bits, for 'recreational use.' I don't see him now, though. I think he might have been arrested."

Trowa felt his nerves tingle as he considered what Duo had said. There was an illicit touch of danger to the air as he looked around now. He imagined Duo making a deal here; he saw a slim, short girl at the bar talking to a thin man with long, slick hair falling over his face. He imagined that their quick touches were masking their true intentions. Trowa took a large gulp of his drink as he thought of Duo play-flirting with a dealer. "How did you meet him?"

Duo shrugged, his eyes unfocused and his face turned away from Trowa. "It's never hard to get what you want when you know what it is."

Trowa tasted and swallowed that information slowly, like it were a delicacy to be savored until it was nearly losing its flavor, thus ensuring that the maximum pleasure was being extracted. With the patient slowness of a man very sure of himself, Trowa turned toward Duo and put his arm on the back of the couch behind Duo, drawing himself into Duo's personal space.

There was an odd moment of absurdity, when Trowa felt as if they were displaced in space and time. They normally skirted these intimacies in therapy, under the watchful eye of a single man, but now they were on a couch in public, and granted far more privacy than Dr. Clarkson's office could ever hope to give them. 

Duo relaxed against Trowa's arm, and smiled at him as he took another drink, finishing off his glass. Trowa became aware of how they appeared from an outsider's perspective, something that he had been noting tangentially ever since they had left the theater. He wasn't sure how to interpret their body language, at least not in the context of an ordinary person's life, nor could he guess at how anyone rated their match. Would the girl with the ostentatious feather boa, desperate for the attention she was eschewing, think that Duo was more beautiful than he? Would the man in the tight, ribbed, black turtleneck think that Trowa was the dominant partner, or the submissive? Would the trio of overly made-up girls who looked like they wished something more exciting were happening think that it was a shame that they were together, instead of both available?

But Duo and he exuded the sort of energy that couples had. The sort of blended syncopation in their disjointed movements that was the earmark of any couple.

They behaved exactly as if they had been sleeping together for months.

While Duo went up to get his drink fixed, Trowa pondered the appropriate reaction to that.

Duo came back, and the small amount of space that had separated them shrunk. Trowa allowed Duo to ingratiate himself into Trowa's personal space easily, the slight rushed daze from the alcohol burning away any desire to analyze the night.

Trowa put his hand on Duo's neck, and leaned in to talk. "Is this the first time you've been here clean?"

Duo sipped his drink, another whiskey sour, as he nodded in time to the music absently. "I think so."

"Is that...?"

"Not really." Duo took another sip, smiling at Trowa privately. "Though, if I had enough money, I'd be looking for the new guy in the bar." Duo winked, and shrugged with a small, unheard laugh, as if he were mocking himself.

Trowa considered it. "What is it like, then? Better than an orgasm, right?"

Duo tensed slightly, and Trowa rubbed Duo's neck between his thumb and forefinger. "I don't know how to describe how it feels. I... I don't know the words. It's... nothing like an orgasm. It's more..."

The sentence trailed off and got lost, and Trowa leaned closer, his eyes closing as his face became close enough to Duo's skin to make the notion of kissing it plausible. He didn't feel buzzed from a half a vodka and cranberry juice, nor did the atmosphere make him dizzy, nor did the proximity to Duo overwhelm his senses, but the combination was working an alchemy over Trowa's blood, which moved thickly through his veins, casting a haze over his thoughts.

Trowa felt a desire for cruelty wash over him, which he was too apathetic to resist.

"Do you miss it?"

Duo was visibly shaken, but he turned his face away so Trowa couldn't see his eyes. "Of course."

"Why did you stop? Did you overdose, or was it just because of work?" Trowa slid his hand down so that his palm was over the place where Duo's neck met his shoulders.

"It wasn't because of work." Duo spoke clearly, but he was turned away, so his voice was being washed out and made transparent by the music. "I have... I have overdosed. It was a lot of things, actually."

"Such as." Trowa leaned in, and his lips were touching the back of Duo's neck as he spoke.

"A lot of things." Duo's voice was practically drowned in the pulsing beat of the music.

Trowa put his other hand on Duo's thigh. "Does it bother you that Heero thinks we're fucking?"

Duo blinked, a motion Trowa only just barely registered. "Why would that bother me?"

"Does it make him angry?"

Duo turned, his eyes meeting Trowa's, and Trowa found himself reflected in the blackness of their wide pupils. "Why does Heero bother you so much?"

"We are friends, aren't we." Trowa narrowed his eyes in concentration. 

Duo's nose twitched in humor. "Mind if I have a cigarette?" He pulled out his pack and lighter before Trowa could even dismiss the question. "We are friends, Trowa, but I don't think that's why he bothers you."

"Wouldn't you be bothered if a friend of yours was being..." Trowa watched Duo's agile fingers as he pulled out and lit a cigarette, his lips holding the narrow stick in place. 

"I'm not being abused, Trowa. I'm not some weak little victim, begging my oppressor for more." Duo's voice was brittle, but his lips were forming a careless smile.

Trowa finished his drink, annoyed. "Forget I said anything, then."

Duo blew smoke out the corner of his mouth further away from Trowa, thoughtfully looking the other man over. "No, you said it for a reason. You wanna know if it bothers me that Heero, and really, everyone, thinks we're fucking? Then, no, it doesn't." Duo took a long drag off his cigarette, his eyes joking with Trowa. "You're kinda damned sexy, Tro. It only makes me look good, to have people think we're together."

Trowa blinked four times. "That works for everyone but Heero."

Duo cocked his head to the side in surprise. "Hm. Well, I could say that it works for Heero best of all... But really, I don't give a damn what he thinks about me 'n' you. It's none of his god damned business."

Trowa's eyes went blank as he considered it. "Is he good?" Duo pretended not to comprehend, or at least, to be too surprised by the question to answer, so Trowa elaborated. "He must be pretty good, for you to put up with him."

Duo laughed, loudly enough for Trowa to hear him clearly. "He could stand to use more lube." He waited for the laugh to finish, and for his expression to settle, before he spoke again. "I told you before, Tro. There are things that he can give me."

Trowa placed his chin on Duo's shoulder, the one opposite from him, so that he had to lean across Duo's back, thus resulting in a half-embrace. "What he gives you... Did you start getting that after you went clean, or before?"

Duo did not answer right away, and Trowa felt like being patient.

When Duo did speak, he sighed first, his shoulders heaving, moving Trowa up and down. "Before."

Trowa almost spoke again. He almost asked if Duo really felt like he was clean, since he was still smoking and drinking and using Heero, but he suddenly got very tired of talking. He was lazily filled with desire for Duo, abstractly. He wanted, at that moment, to already know Duo in every sense, but he had little ambition for obtaining the knowledge at this juncture.

After a moment, Duo got up to get them more drinks, and Trowa had one more and Duo had three more before they left. 

They got a cab together, although they lived apart, and Trowa insisted on dropping Duo first, and picking up the tab, since Duo had gotten the drinks.

In the cab to Duo's apartment, they sat on opposite ends of the cab, their fingertips touching in the middle as they stared out different windows.

* * *

  


It was raining. Trowa watched the water sluice down the window. He sat, watching the alley getting wet. The water was running in a small river down the alley on both sides, falling into the gutters. The pavement, wet and reflecting the light from the lights over the garages lining the alley, looked almost pristine. 

It was almost eight, and Trowa hadn't even gotten dressed yet. He spent the night on his back in bed, staring thoughtlessly at the ceiling, perhaps dozing from time to time, and when he got up, it was raining, so he sat down to watch. That was nearly two and a half hours ago, but it was still going strong.

He wanted to call in sick today, but no one believed you if you called in sick when it was raining, and anyway, no one ever believed him when he said he was sick. Most likely, they would think that he had cut himself last night, and needed time to heal. 

He was getting cold sitting in the window for so long in only his boxers, but it was a pleasant chill that seeped into his bones and came in waves. He liked it.

It was hard to get dressed when his body was already so satisfactorily arranged. Pulling the cloth over his skin was like rubbing itchy wool over the cheek of a baby. Trowa wanted to spend the day in his boxers in the darkness of his own apartment, and watch the rain. He was in a very bad mood because the universe wasn't letting him do the perfectly reasonable thing he wanted to do.

He didn't bother getting an umbrella when he left his apartment, so by the time he reached the office, he was soaking. He didn't mind, though, because it made people step aside as he walked down the hallways of his workplace.

All day long, people spoke with hushed voices around him, and he was certain that his boss was going to give him a lecture on attitude, or proper working attire, or good hygiene and health practices, or on how not to show up your boss as a lazy, incompetent nitwit ten times before lunch, but miraculously, he never got called in; he found out shortly before five that his boss was away at on off-site meeting. 

He walked home, wishing that it were still raining. It misted from time to time, but he didn't get that much wetter. The first thing he did once he closed and locked the door was to strip, trailing clothes behind him, as he headed for the shower. He didn't wash, just let the lukewarm water pour over him. He amused himself by letting the water weigh his hair down so that his face was covered with his bangs. He got out of the shower, and wrapped a towel around his waist, but he didn't bother to dry his body or his hair.

He went to the window to watch the alley, but it was just wet, and not raining anymore. He had missed the best part.

He went to the kitchen and listlessly poured himself a glass of milk. He was oddly hungry, though he didn't want to actually eat anything, so he made himself a peanut butter sandwich by slathering a good knife-full of peanut butter over a slice of bread. He went out to the living room to eat, thinking that he would put in a dvd, but when he sat down before doing so, he figured that it simply was not meant to be.

He ate the peanut butter sandwich warily. He didn't relish the idea of cleaning up after any wayward peanut butter. He defeated the sandwich handily, though.

He had been staring at the ceiling for long enough to have started to think that perhaps he should do something, when the 'phone rang. He continued to stare at the ceiling, his brow furrowed in frustration, until he came to the conclusion that he had to get up to answer it.

Trowa was thinking that it might be Duo, and so he stepped right in front of the vidphone, but then he saw the caller id tag, and so he stepped aside before he initiated the call.

"Quatre."

"Trowa. It's good to hear your voice again! How are you?"

"Tired." Trowa wasn't in the mood to listen to Quatre tonight. "I think I may be getting a cold." He contemplated coughing for Quatre's benefit, but then he decided that it wasn't going to matter anyway.

"Oh, what you need to do than is to drink plenty of fluids, preferably tea. Something medicinal would be best. And, soup, perhaps something with leeks. Oh, and don't forget to get plenty of sleep. You do sleep well, don't you, Trowa? My oldest had a cold last week. She drove the nanny crazy! I kept getting all these messages.... I sent some tea along, and apparently that helped. Would you like some?"

Trowa frowned. He didn't like hearing about Quatre's children, for several reasons. "I can get my own tea."

"Oh, but if you are sick, you shouldn't be going out unnecessarily. I can have it sent over, it could be there tonight." Quatre sounded as if he was asking a question, and he was very hopeful that the answer would be positive.

Trowa sighed audibly. "If I didn't want to go out, I could ask Duo to bring me over some tea." He knew his voice was irritated, and he tried to make it sound more so, on the off chance that Quatre would just get annoyed with him.

There was a long pause, the quiet making the room seem darker.

"You're still seeing Duo?" Quatre sounded stiff and disapproving.

Trowa narrowed his eyes at the light on the carpet. "Is that any of your concern?"

"Your concerns are my concerns, Trowa." Quatre sounded so patronizing, like a tired teacher telling his slowest pupil the same lesson for the fiftieth time. 

Trowa cleared his throat. "That only goes so far."

"It would go as far as you would let it, you know." The affection in Quatre's voice was spoiled by the ineffectual seductive undertone, and Trowa felt a little nauseous thinking that he had once been attracted to Quatre's sensitivity.

"I'm going to bed now." Trowa cut off the line, sliding to the ground to sit on the carpet. He felt remarkably tired, and he let his chin droop until it was nearly touching his chest, his thoughts murkily slipping this way and that.

He thought about his friendship with Quatre, and when those dark thoughts began to make his skin tingle, he thought about how his friendship with Duo had grown so quickly.

It was circumstances, entirely, but then everything was the product of the convergence of chance, so that was nothing to dwell upon. Duo had life in him, and vibrancy, which was what Trowa craved so much. It was in Duo's skin, and his smell, the way he smiled and laughed, and the way he found a way to get past life's hassles. It never would have occurred to Trowa to even test if the psychiatrist was a pervert, much less take advantage of it. 

And Duo's hair was so beautiful. He hadn't taken much notice of it during the war, except to think perhaps that it was functionally arranged. But the temptation of it haunted Trowa now. He could imagine the hair spread out over his skin, and it made the blood rush through him.

Trowa shifted in his place on the floor. He wasn't accustomed to taking such liberties with reality; he had no use for daydreams or fancies. He held his hands in front of him, spreading his fingers out. 

Why Quatre was so disturbed by Duo eluded Trowa, but it irked him. There were times when Quatre was so mired in his own troubles that he failed to see how they paled in comparison to the troubles of the average person. Undoubtedly, he looked down on Duo for being a drug addict, but Trowa didn't see how it was that bad, really. 

He and Duo were complimentary in their obsessions - he chose pain, while Duo sought out pleasure. Trowa knew that Duo was as disgusted with himself as Trowa was for the choices they had made, but that didn't mean that either one of them should be tossed aside. Wasn't Duo the same person he had been in the war, when he and Quatre had been friends? Didn't Quatre understand that some things were difficult to leave behind, especially when the people you cared about had left you behind?

Trowa frowned, picking as his nails nervously. He didn't know why, exactly, Duo had started using drugs, but there were enough reasons in the world such that another person should be able to understand.

What would be worse than Quatre's disgust was his jealousy. 

After the wars had ended, and all the Gundams had been destroyed, Trowa had returned to the circus, and waited for Quatre to call him. Trowa waited a long time, and when Quatre did call, it was with the excited news that he was getting married.

That somehow, though, did not prevent Quatre from making a pass at Trowa when he did visit at the circus, or from offering Trowa a cushy job and a house owned by WEI, so that he and Trowa could stay in 'contact.' 

Quatre knew that money and power could get him many things that he desired, but he was essentially too earnest and kind to be any good at seduction. The whole conversation had left Trowa feeling empty and sick, and it tainted his memory of his friendship with Quatre, and their innocent fumbling advances into something more than a platonic relationship, as he sifted through the past looking for the early indications that Quatre only intended to use him.

He tore himself from the inside out, looking for ways in which he should have known, feeling as if he had been abandoned by the person he had thought Quatre was, and then, he tore himself from the outside in, bleeding out the pain.

Trowa's thoughts were in enough of a jumble that he wasn't sure where they were leading him. When he thought about getting up, his eyes tracked to the bathroom, and his legs felt suddenly leaden. 

He thought about the way that Duo's eyes had hardened after he saw the band aides on Trowa's fingers from when he gave himself the shallow cuts, and Trowa wrapped his arms around himself, holding his elbows in his palms. 

He wanted to call Duo, but perhaps Heero was with him. Trowa hoped that Heero wasn't with Duo. Heero wouldn't lay his hands on Duo's flesh, and let the warmth of Duo's skin seep into his blood. He wouldn't touch his lips to Duo's nipples, or run his hands up Duo's lean flanks, or let his tongue taste Duo's navel.

He wouldn't take the time to appreciate Duo's nude body, stretched out for him like a feast begging to be eaten. He wouldn't lavish Duo's erection with long, lingering licks, tasting the tip with teasing touches. 

Heero didn't deserve access to Duo's body.

If Duo thought that there was something that Heero could offer him, that was all well and good, but there was a question of the flesh and blood that Duo was too careless with; if Trowa had Duo's body for his pleasure, he would enjoy it. He would let his hands slip over Duo's skin, and he would press his chest against Duo's back as they rested together, heaving as their bodies began to cool, and Duo's heartbeat would steady his own.

The 'phone rang.

Trowa had no idea what time it was. The room was completely dark, but it would be that at nine pm as much as it would at three am. It could be Quatre, checking up on him. 

He quickly realized that he had another problem. He had an erection large enough to be troublesome. He frowned at the offending flesh, scolding it mentally into retreating, but it defied him obstinately. He briefly considered touching it, but the thought held no appeal to him. He pushed the towel that was half-heartedly wrapped around his waist away, and pressed the button to connect the call. 

"Trowa?" Duo didn't sound as confident as he normally did. He also sounded very tired.

"I'm here." Trowa wasn't sure exactly how to manage this; Duo didn't like to talk to him when Trowa wasn't in range of the camera, but at the same time, Trowa was naked, and hard.

Duo sighed. "Well."

Trowa got to his knees, and moved over so he was in the sight of the camera. "Yeah."

Duo furrowed his brow, which emphasized how tired he looked. "Trowa... are you naked?"

Trowa titled his head to one side. "Yeah."

Duo grinned, animating his face. "Oh? And how naked are you?"

Trowa shrugged, and stood up. Duo gasped, and Trowa shrugged again.

" _Damn_ , Tro! That is one impressive hard on you got there! What have you been doing?" Duo was opening leering at him, and it made Trowa grin a little.

He knew then that Duo wanted him. Shrugging, Trowa sighed. "Thinking."

"Thinking, huh? I hesitate to ask... Well, what were you planning on doing about that?" Duo leaned forward, so that his face nearly filled the screen. His eyes were awake, and fixed on Trowa's erection.

Trowa looked down at the flesh between his legs, sticking straight up to his stomach. "I'm not sure. I think if I ignore it, it will go away."

Duo laughed, and the sound inspired Trowa to grin a little more. "Well, that's true, I guess... Hey, I'd offer to help you out, but... over the 'phone deals creep me out a little." Duo shrugged apologetically, still smiling wickedly.

Trowa sat down on the arm of his couch, rubbing his neck a little self-consciously. He was deeply aware of Duo's eyes on him, and right now, with the blood pumping fast through him, and the slight endorphin rush of arousal, he was certain that he would know Duo entirely soon. "So. What time is it?"

Duo looked surprised for a second, then laughed shortly. "It's a bit after two. Don't you have any clocks?"

Trowa looked around, as if to be sure before he spoke. "None that I'm aware of."

Duo smiled, shaking his head. "Well. Hope you don't mind that I called. I... didn't feel like going to bed, so I thought, well, Trowa's probably still up..."

Trowa nodded, encouraging. He didn't think about the fact that Duo had likely had Heero over. It wasn't relevant to this conversation. 

"So, what do you want to talk about?" Duo leaned back, relaxing.

Trowa blinked. "You called me. Shouldn't you want to talk?" Trowa was certain of the logic in that.

Duo smiled. "Ok. Sure. I was thinking about getting a tattoo."

Trowa leaned forward, interested. "Where?"

Duo blinked, a little surprised at Trowa's eagerness. "Um, I'm not really sure... I was just thinking about that while... Well. Before I called."

Trowa nodded slowly. "On your arm? Or leg?"

Duo considered. "No, I would want it to be more... private. I mean, it wouldn't be something that I'd want just anyone to see."

Trowa agreed. Duo _was_ more modest that he appeared. "On your back. At the small of the back."

Duo tilted his head to the side as he pondered it, and his braid swung behind him. "Hm... well, maybe... but that seems sorta, I don't know... _sexual_. Or something. Mm, what about between my shoulder blades?"

"Ah, where your angel wings go." Trowa ducked his head down a little to hide his smile. "That's where a powerful chakra is, you know. It's a region of yang energy, connected to the will."

Duo's eyes were perfectly clear as he regarded Trowa. "That sounds about right."

"What do you want to get?" Trowa spoke softly, but he knew that Duo could hear him.

Duo grinned, then cleared his throat. "I dunno. I hate to plan. Maybe I could just pull something off the wall of the place, if that's not too lame?" Duo laughed at himself unselfconsciously. 

Trowa felt like laughing, too. "I know a place that's open 24 hours."

Duo started. "Tro! I didn't mean I was gonna do it tonight!" Duo laughed happily, and it made Trowa grin.

"Chicken."

Duo laughed harder. 

"Not like you were gonna go to sleep anyway..." Trowa reasoned, petulantly.

Duo was smiling as he thought about it. "Well, that's true..."

Trowa sensed the near-capitulation in Duo's voice, and he smirked internally. "It could be fun. We could meet there... and I could watch."

Somehow, he had managed to pitch the tone and timber of his voice so that it sounded suggestive, but not flirtatious. 

Duo grinned, nodding his head slowly. "Well... all right. Where is this place... and how do you know about it?"

Trowa shrugged with one shoulder. "Sometimes I take walks at night." He gave Duo directions to the place, which was only ten blocks from Trowa's apartment, roughly. 

Duo uh-huh'd and nodded his way through Trowa's directions, but Trowa was certain that Duo knew exactly where it was. 

Just as Trowa was about to disconnect the line, Duo winked, leaning close, and said, "Don't forget to get dressed, sexy."

Trowa blinked at the screen until it went blue. Snorting lightly, Trowa switched the screen off and wandered into the bedroom, opening the drawers to his dresser without turning on the light. He pulled out a turtleneck, but he couldn't tell if it was blue or black, so he grabbed the brown pants first, then he thought he would wear jeans, then he thought he would wear the dark cords, and then he decided to wear a t-shirt and jeans, with a corduroy shirt as a jacket. 

He was pleased with himself for being able to pick an outfit when he realized that he needed underwear, too. This annoyed him, and he tossed all of his underwear out of their drawer and onto the floor so he could pick a pair at random.

He left the apartment feeling rushed, because he wasn't sure how long it had been since he'd disconnected from Duo. He wondered if Duo would mind waiting for him in the tattoo parlor. Trowa didn't want to miss watching it get done.

He should have worn a jacket. He came to that conclusion quickly. Instead of the pleasant coldness of the morning, now Trowa was just annoyed. 

The parlor was called Lazy Eye Tattoo, and the front was painted electric blue. It was bright, even though nothing else around looked open. Trowa pushed his way in a bit reluctantly. He was hoping that Duo was already there.

Duo was there, and was cheerfully chatting with the overweight, short, heavily tattooed man who was clearly the one who would be inflicting his art on Duo's body. The guy was showing Duo some of the designs available from a book, looking over Duo's frame as he flipped through the pages. 

Trowa wasn't worried that the guy was interested in Duo, but it did cross his mind that the guy might think that Duo was an addict. Not that Trowa could blame him, but since he was talking to Duo, Trowa figured that the guy would do Duo's tat anyway.

Duo smiled brightly at Trowa as soon as the door jingled, and Trowa thought that most people would have been forgiven if they thought that it was weird that Duo was so chipper at this hour of the morning.

"Hey, Tro, come look at these... What do you think of a Celtic design?" Duo was pointing to a page in the book.

Trowa noticed that his braid was much looser than normal, and had a lot of loose ends sticking out. He wondered if it always looked like that after it had been slept on; he wondered if Duo ever needed help fixing it. "Cool."

Duo bit his lip. "Ah... I don't wanna rush into this, but... mm, lessee... There are these cool knots... And this thing, this is called the devil's eye, or something..." Duo pointed to a knot that was formed around what looked like a red jewel. "And then there's these animal ones... I kinda like the lion... hm..."

Something caught Trowa's eye. "What about this one?"

Duo wrinkled his nose a little. "It kinda looks like a butterfly, doesn't it?"

"Well," Trowa replied, "take out these lines at the top... It's called Tribal Flight."

Duo looked it over more closely, his expression slowly warming. The design in question was all black, with bold swashes forming two top-heavy wings, with swirls in the middle and at the ends. With the two thinner lines in the middle removed, it looked quite stunning.

Duo grinned at the tattoo guy. "Is that ok? Can you do it without these lines?"

The guy nodded quickly. "Sure, whatever ya want, I can do. Ready?"

Duo turned to Trowa, raising his eyebrows slightly. "I can't believe you talked me into this... What about you, you want one?" 

Trowa looked around vaguely. "I don't think... I should indulge my enjoyment of needles." He spoke so that Duo could hear him, but the guy couldn't. He didn't want to be misinterpreted. 

Duo rolled his eyes. Muttering under his breath, "Right, right, that's your excuse for everything... I'm suicidal, I can't play with sharp things or I might off myself... Whatever, Tro." Speaking up, "Ok! Let's go!"

There were a quick form for Duo to fill out, and then there was the process of preparing the skin. Mostly, given where it was, that just meant that it was cleaned, but it seemed to take the artist a long time to wash his hands and get his needles and ink ready. Everything had to be kept sterile, so the artist wore latex gloves, and kept everything else on clean paper towels and plastic.

Duo was on his belly on the table, his shirt off and his braid swinging over his shoulder. Trowa picked up the bottom of the braid, and played with the hair. Duo grinned up at him with a wink.

The whirl of the tattoo needle started up, and Duo gasped just a little, his eyes widening. Trowa didn't know if the pain was bad, or good, but he stroked Duo's cheek gently, gaining another wink.

When it was done, the tat was glistening brightly between Duo's shoulder blades, the raised scab brighter and more distinct that the final tat would be. The artist snapped a quick picture of his work, and Duo paid him, giving him a decent tip for his efforts.

They walked back to Trowa's apartment together, slowly. Duo was breathing a little heavily, and would occasionally roll his arms around their sockets. They didn't speak, and Trowa avoided looking at Duo too much.

He didn't like the way his flesh felt hot from watching Duo being marked.

Duo took a nap on Trowa's couch, sleeping on his belly so he wouldn't aggravate the wound. 

When they left for work at the same time hours later, Duo teased Trowa about being a voyeur, but he stopped when Trowa only smiled serenely in response. Just as they were getting to the corner where they would separate for the day, Trowa brushed Duo's hair around his ear, and smiled at him.

"I like your tat, Duo."

Grinning, Duo leaned up and kissed Trowa's chin. "Thanks. Me too."

* * *

  


Trowa leaned up against the back of the elevator as he and Duo left their latest session. He was thoroughly annoyed with himself; he had let himself get way too involved, and become aroused. More than that, Dr. Clarkson's questions beforehand kept niggling in the back of his head as he put his hands over Duo's skin. 

He wanted to take Duo right there on the couch. He wanted to use Duo, to pour his frustration and loneliness and fear and sorrow into Duo's body, and let Duo absorb everything bad about him and leave him empty and clean.

He felt like Heero.

"Hey, you doin' anything tomorrow?"

Trowa glared at Duo from behind his bangs, but Duo just regarded him blandly, waiting for a response. Trowa shook his head in negation once, quickly.

Duo ginned. "Wanna go to the International Fest tomorrow? It should be interesting... lots of good food, good music, good fun. What do ya say?"

Trowa watched Duo, just standing in front of the elevator buttons, casual and relaxed. He wondered if Duo wanted him to use him. He wondered if Duo even cared. 

Duo rolled his eyes exaggeratedly and sighed audibly, for effect. "C'mon, Tro! The weather is supposed to be good this weekend. It could be the last chance this year to wander around outside and pretend to be social. Let's go!"

His head bent down a little, obscuring his face from view marginally. He didn't want to go. He wanted to stay home and do nothing, maybe do some laundry. Maybe clean the bathroom.

Shivering, Trowa looked up, his chin jutting forward so his hair appeared to stick straight out from his head. "All right."

Duo grinned. "Great! It's closer to me, so howzabout you come by my place tomorrow at about seven?"

Trowa nodded, just a little. 

When they got out to the sidewalk, Trowa waited for Duo to light his cigarette, but neither of them spoke. They separated wordlessly, with only a small wave from Duo to signify the parting. Trowa went home, and sat on his couch. He thought about going to get a paper, so that he could read up on the festival tomorrow, but he didn't care that much.

He was sure Duo would plan everything anyway.

He put his head down on the arm of the couch, and stared at the wall as the night got darker. He felt ambivalent, which was enough of an improvement to the way he had been feeling that he decided to rest and enjoy it.

* * *

  


Trowa spent an hour sitting on his bed in front of the closet deciding what to wear. It wasn't that he was trying to achieve a certain 'look' or that he was being picky about his clothes. He actually should have done his laundry yesterday and he didn't want to get up to find things that were both clean and matched. He ended up wearing a plain white oxford shirt and jeans.

He also spent fifteen minutes brushing his hair because the repetitive motion of the brush over his scalp was soothing. He imagined that he was brushing Duo's hair, holding it in his hands as he smoothed out the bottom of Duo's long, thick locks. It was enjoyable enough to merit time thinking about it.

He planned to walk to Duo's, so that he would be tired before they even got to the fest, but then he was so late he decided to get a cab. He called the only place he knew the number for, and ended up waiting nearly a half an hour for it to come. He was already ten minutes past the time Duo had told him to show up before he even got into the back of the cab but he didn't think about calling Duo as he assumed the other man could figure out that he was running late without being told.

The drive to Duo's went by too fast for Trowa's liking. He couldn't properly watch the buildings as he passed them. There were a lot of people walking around that night, and it unsettled him slightly. He tapped his fingers on the plastic of the door. He had an annoying amount of anticipation buzzing his nerves, and he wanted to calm down, maybe be alone.

It took him the length of the taxi ride to realize that the reason he was so anxious was because he didn't want to be in public with Duo. It was natural to go out with a friend. When people took the next step in a relationship, a date was the usual place to start. It was the proper progression of events.

Trowa was not accustomed to relationships or social mores. He knew about them, but he had little personal experience with them. The idea of 'dating' Duo did not appeal to Trowa at all; he didn't think that Duo would want to 'date' either. They were friends - that had been clearly established. If they wanted to become physically involved, they just needed to be alone. 

The rest was a waste of time.

Trowa paid the cabbie with single bills, leaving him with only larger bills. He walked up to Duo's building. He had never come here to visit without Duo to get the doors. Trowa wasn't sure what kind of security the building had, or how he was supposed to contact Duo. Fortunately, the question was moot anyway, because just as he was about to get to the building's front door, Duo stepped out, grinning from ear to ear.

"Hey! I just decided I would wait for you down here, and here you are! Talk about timing, huh?" Duo pulled out a cigarette as he spoke, stopping only for a beat before Trowa before turning and heading off in the direction of the fest. "So, how goes it?"

Trowa shrugged, even though Duo was a half step ahead of him and therefore couldn't see. "Sorry I'm late."

Duo shrugged, looking over his shoulder to smirk at Trowa. "Forget it. I barely noticed. What's twenty minutes between friends? Anyway, there's no schedule."

Trowa ambled behind Duo just a step, his hands in his pockets as Duo smoked and jauntily walked with a little too much energy. Trowa got a funny vision of Duo strung out on coke and it scared him. He was almost glad that heroin had been Duo's drug of choice. He wasn't sure why Duo was pretending to be so exuberant, but it bothered him just a little. Duo's behavior was only exacerbating his own anxiety.

Duo's braid swung back and forth. The end of it was tied off with a thick black holder, which was twisted around the end of his braid at least seven or eight times. Trowa had to resist the urge to reach out and grab the braid. That gave him the funny mental picture of walking Duo like a dog using the braid as a leash.

Trowa decided that he shouldn't have mental pictures anymore.

The festival was being held in a sidewalk-shopping district that ended in a park. There were band tents set up, as well as beer tents, and the whole street was filled with people and kiosks and stores with their door flung open, people walking in and out of them as if they were merely rooms in a house.

The road and the entrances to the park were cordoned off, and you had to pay to get in. Duo walked past two entrances as he led Trowa in a circuit around the whole festival area.

Trowa was about to make a joke of some sort or another, when he saw the reason for the scenic route. He stopped dead in his tracks as soon as he saw the sullen frame of Heero Yuy, and Duo stopped short too, though his back was still to Trowa.

Turning with an apologetic grin, Duo shrugged his shoulders. "Ah, look, I should have said something earlier, but... Well, obviously, Heero is here, too. Sorry. But, well, he had told me about this months ago, see, Relena is supposed to make some sort of speech or something later on tonight, and he needs to be here with her, so he had asked me to come, and when I asked you, I had sorta forgotten that Heero was gonna be here too, but it's no big deal 'cause he's really here with Relena and all anyway."

Somehow, Duo had managed to say all of that without sounding rushed or apologetic. Trowa blinked in awe of Duo's auditory skill. 

He took one half-glance at the near murderous glint in Heero's eye, and Trowa decided that this would be the night that he had sex with Duo.

He didn't let his thoughts drift to seduction as he and Duo made their way to Heero's side. He shored up his defenses as he prepared to meet the ire in Heero's glare.

"What's _he_ doing here?" Heero kept his eyes on Duo alone, exhaling through his nose loudly like a bull ready to charge.

Duo just smiled falsely. "Hello, Heero. Good to see you. How've you been? Oh, I hope you don't mind, but I invited Trowa to come along, too."

Heero gritted his teeth. "I suppose you like to keep a john ready as a backup, hm?"

Sighing contentedly in an obvious fashion, Duo stretched his arms out. "Nice day for a fest, huh? I'm looking forward to some good eats! So, where's her majesty, eh?"

Heero blew air out his mouth to push his bangs from his eyes. "She's going to be late. She's got important things to tend to; she doesn't have time to spend all day here."

"That's too bad." Duo's head tipped to the side as he spoke, and it was clear that he really did think it was a shame. "She works too hard. If you really cared about her, you'd make her take a break."

Heero stared at Duo like he had six heads sticking out of his ears.

Duo rolled his eyes. "In any case, she should be able to be young sometime before she starts sprouting gray hairs. Wanna go in?"

Duo didn't wait for either man to respond, and Heero and Trowa ended up walking nearly shoulder to shoulder as they tried to stay close to Duo. They each paid for their own entry, and by the time that Trowa got his hand stamped to get in, Duo was already rocking on his feet, biting his bottom lip with excitement as he took in the lay of the land. The workings of his mind were visible in his eyes, as if a map with x's and check marks was imprinted in the lines of his blue-purple irises. 

Heero went to Duo's right, so Trowa stayed on Duo's left. Duo wanted to go to the section of the shops devoted to the colonies right away. There were flags of every nation and colony strung out in lines overhead, and there were lights and music everywhere. 

Trowa found it all annoyingly overdone, but Duo was so excited by everything that Trowa managed to find amusement where he could. Mostly, he found amusement in watching Heero sulk as Duo directed all of his comments to Trowa, and bounced around almost too haphazardly to be matched. 

Duo bought a model of L2, and also one of L3 for Trowa. He showed Heero the model of L1, but Heero scoffed that he wasn't actually a native of the colony. Duo shrugged and went to the next kiosk.

Trowa bought hot dogs made from organic material produced on L4, which Heero scowled at as if they were chemical weapons. Trowa wasn't sure that he was wrong when he was eating them, but Duo was happy enough with the food that he ignored the taste and the feeling of the food filling his mouth and grating over his tongue.

Trowa listened to Duo chatter with only half his attention. The way that Heero would respond to Duo with barbs and taunts that Duo would ignore sharpened Trowa's nerves. He didn't like the way that Heero was talking to Duo, but he wasn't going to confront Heero right there. He knew an opportunity would arise. He would take advantage of a moment that was coming, and he would get Duo alone.

He liked to be alone with Duo. He liked the way that Duo didn't force himself to smile around him, and the way that Duo would laugh when he was really amused. He watched carefully, staying close to Duo and keeping alert to Heero's every movement as he waited for the moment.

They ate fried confections from the American kiosk, and éclairs from the French kiosk, and pork buns from the Japanese kiosk, and when they got to the kiosk from Morocco, they had no room for the treats available there.

Heero got progressively more and more rigid with each teasing glance or wink from Duo trained at Trowa. When Trowa pointed aimlessly at the face painting booth, manned by a ridiculous clown, Heero took possession of Duo's braid and pulled him forcibly in the opposite direction.

Trowa narrowed his eyes, and followed decisively.

"Hey! Hey!! Heero, lay of the braid, willya?" Duo's shout caught the attention of many bystanders, and several people shied away from the trio of men distrustfully.

Heero glared at everything that had the misfortune of being in the line of his sight. "We're going to miss Relena's speech."

"Oh, man... aren't you supposed to be on the stage with her? You are her fiancé. Ow! Damn it, man, get your hands off the hair!" Duo grabbed a hold of his braid with both hands half way down, and stopped abruptly.

Trowa nearly walked into Duo, and he put his hands on Duo's shoulders as he came up behind him. Heero glared furiously at Trowa's hands on Duo, and then looked at Trowa with hate pouring out of him.

Trowa smirked at Heero.

Heero snarled, and went to grab Duo by the waist. "Let's go."

Duo had no choice but to keep up with Heero as Heero dragged him to the main tent in the middle of the park, and Trowa had to walk with long, fast strides to stay with the other two. The tent was filling fast, but Heero kept to the right aisle, and went half way up to the stage. There was a tent pole there, with a few chairs around it that were unoccupied. Trowa had to go back to the back of the tent to find a chair, and by the time he brought it back up to the where they were, Heero had Duo's chair backed up against the tent pole, and his next to Duo. There wasn't even any room next to Heero, as he would have been blocking the aisle, so the only place left for Trowa to put his chair was behind the other two.

Duo tried to turn around to apologize to Trowa, but Heero had his arm over the back of Duo's chair and was leaning over to talk into Duo's ear. They appeared to be having something of an argument, though the way that Duo's eyes blazed and his cheeks flushed, Trowa almost thought that they were engaging in some verbal foreplay.

He would have been disgusted to be pushed aside so that they could flirt and play, but the MC was trying to get the attention of the audience, and it was clear that Relena would be speaking soon. It was inevitable that Trowa would get a chance to get Duo alone. If he had his chance, and he failed to achieve his goal, than it would be Duo's choice. Trowa was determined to give Duo the choice.

Everyone quieted, and Heero pulled his arm away from Duo, holding his elbows in his palms as he leveled his glare at the stage. Trowa watched Duo surreptitiously pull out a cigarette as the mc went through the opening greetings.

Heero made a face when he smelled Duo's clove cigarettes, but he didn't say anything or move. 

There were several politicos talking, from every level of government, before Relena finally came to the podium. Trowa hadn't seen her since just after the wars, so he wasn't prepared for how different she looked in person. A photograph or a news video didn't do her justice. She had grown up, and it was more than the physical changes or style changes that were only natural given the time that had passed. It was more than the calm that fueled her speech as she stilled the crowd and filled the tent with her pleasant nonwords. 

It was the indefinable something that separated an adult from a child. Trowa was happily surprised to see that she had transformed so well.

She got a standing ovation when she was done, and it was only as Trowa got to his feet that he realized that Duo was pointedly not looking at Relena, his body taut and his leg bouncing nervously.

Heero wasn't looking at Duo or at Relena, and he looked just as sullen as a child who was told he had to sit still while the grown ups talked.

Trowa clapped louder for Relena as he entertained the notion of Heero as a spoiled child.

The crowd dispersed slowly after the speeches. Duo had a skill for maneuvering through the obstacle course of humanity, but Heero was dogging Duo's heels, and Trowa had a hard time following the path behind them. When they got out of the tent, they slipped and dodged through the knots of people until they were able to find a place by the fence on the fringe to talk. Heero stood perpendicular to Duo, whose back was against the chain links, and Heero's arm was over Duo's shoulder. The posture was so territorial that Trowa almost laughed as he stepped around Heero's elbow to stand next to Duo on his other side.

If Duo was aware of any tension between the other two men, he was obviously enjoying ignoring it. Turning to Heero, he asked, "When and where are you supposed to meet up with Relena?"

Heero scowled, his fingers clenching the fence over Duo's shoulder with enough force to bend the thin metal slightly. "She's going to call. You're going to come to dinner with us, right." That was phrased as if it were a question, but it was obvious from his tone and expression that Heero was not allowing any uncertainty.

Duo looked away pointedly, forcing an expression that would have appeared comical to anyone who didn't know him. "Oh, was that her majesty's command? Far be it from me to disappoint a queen."

"Don't be such an ass." Heero blew his hair out of his eyes with all the annoyance he could muster, the hair fleeing from his ire wisely.

"But Heero, my ass is the only thing you like about me. If I lose that, then maybe, gasp! You might leave me!" Duo affected the drama with his voice, but his eyes were pure sarcasm.

Trowa smiled, brushing lint off of his sleeve distractedly. His eyes drifted over the crowd passively, as he lazily cataloged all the people as he was trained to do as a mercenary. He was amused when he noticed that there was no one there that he would even have to break a sweat over to pummel, and for a moment he wished that the small group of college-aged frat boy types would start some trouble, because it looked like it would be fun to beat them senseless.

Heero eyed Duo with the same intensity he would give a bug before stomping on it. "Can you _try_ to be a little less like the gutter trash you are for an hour? Relena's not used to mucking through sewers."

"Well," Duo drawled conversationally, "she's used to putting up with your attitude, so maybe a stroll through a sewer would be a welcome change of pace for her."

Heero's focus narrowed until it was clear that all his senses were pinpointed on Duo, and Trowa was more than a little afraid that, public venue or not, Heero was going to belt Duo across the face. Duo calmly stood there, looking at Heero with satisfied anticipation. 

Trowa put his hand on Duo's shoulder, close to his neck, and pointed with his other hand to the cotton candy vendor down the way. "Have you ever had that stuff?"

Duo blinked six times. His eyes shifted from Heero to Trowa and then to the vendor slowly and deliberately. He considered the question carefully before he committed himself to an answer. "Sure. Haven't you? You've lived in a circus; I refuse to believe you've never had cotton candy."

Trowa shrugged, noncommittally. "I know how it's made." That seemed to be answer enough for all three of them.

Heero folded his arms over his chest, pensively glaring at the vendor. "It looks disgusting."

"It is," Duo replied cheerfully. "It's actually sweet enough to rot your teeth while you eat it. Your teeth fall out as you bite into it. It was invented as part of a dental conspiracy to drum up business."

Heero looked appalled, probably more at the notion that Duo might actually believe that, but before he could speak, his phone rang. He took two steps away from Duo and Trowa, but only after he gave Trowa a look that was undoubtedly supposed to be intimidating. He spoke to Relena in clipped tones, his voice edgy, as if he was putting himself out to speak to her at all.

Trowa realized when Heero turned away that he still had his hand on Duo. Duo seemed to be comfortably aware of this fact already, and his body was leaning ever so slightly in Trowa's direction. A warmth filled Trowa's blood as he thought about touching Duo, and having his body leaning into Duo's. His plans for the evening seemed to crystallize, and for a shining moment, he knew that he would be successful.

"Having fun?" Duo smiled up at Trowa hopefully. 

Trowa brushed his thumb over Duo's skin idly. Duo looked good in the weak artificial light of the park, his skin bright and his eyes looking electric at that moment. Trowa shook his head quickly, and shrugged uselessly. "Whatever."

Duo grinned. "Ah, a classic Trowa response. Don't tell me the concept of fun is so irrelevant to you?"

"I like to have fun," Trowa said, proud of the flirtation he was able to thread into his words, "but I prefer it to be more one on one."

Duo had raised his eyebrow in wonder, the corner of his lip turning up with intrigue. Before he could speak, Heero grabbed his braid. 

"Let's go. Relena has to meet with some people, so we have some time before she can meet us." Heero walked away with purpose, his hand still holding Duo's braid as he started off, letting it fall from his grasp.

Duo and Trowa had to rush a little to keep up with him. Duo asked him what the hurry was, but Heero completely ignored him. They made their way back to the street with all the kiosks, and Heero went to the section that sold Japanese items. 

Taking Duo's arm and pulling Duo next to him, Heero pointed to the hair ornaments laid out on velvet. "Help me pick something for Relena." His voice made the request sound like an order.

There was only so much room under the tiny umbrella of the kiosk, so Heero and Duo stood with their sides touching, and Trowa was left outside.

Trowa wasn't concerned, as he took the chance to look over Duo's backside, and the way the braid trailed down and rested just at the place Duo's cheeks met.

After Heero had paid for the item that Duo had picked but Trowa had not been able to see, Heero took off again. Duo grabbed his hand to ask where they were going, but Heero just glared and grunted something about a restaurant.

Duo smiled at Trowa apologetically. "I guess that's where we're going to meet Relena."

Heero was two steps ahead of them, and there was a small enclave just there where the vendors had set up a banner.

This was his chance.

Trowa took Duo's hand, and pulled him behind the banner. Duo followed obediently, but his confusion was etched over his face. He was about to speak when Trowa reached out to brush Duo's bangs out of his face. "I'm not hungry."

"Oh," Duo looked in the direction Heero had been heading, "well, me neither, really, but Relena..."

Trowa leaned in and kissed Duo. At first, it was hard, and forceful, but as Duo recovered from the shock, it softened and deepened. Trowa slipped his arms around Duo, and he could feel Duo's hands slipping up his arms, stopping just short of his shoulders.

There was an excitement in Trowa's body, as he felt he was right there on the precipice of the rest of the night.

When they broke apart, Duo's lips stayed parted, his cheeks flushed slightly, and it turned Trowa on just a little, to see him like that. "Trowa?" Duo asked, his eyes conveying mirth as he spoke in surprised delight.

Trowa shrugged with a grin. "I got tired of waiting for the next therapy session."

Duo blinked, before a smile slowly spread over his face, like the sun peaking through the clouds on a rainy day. Trowa had just enough time to begin to grin before Duo's mouth touched his again, and he was busy pulling Duo closer to his body while mentally calculating how long it would take Heero to realize that he was alone.

Duo let his lips brush against Trowa's for a moment after they separated. "Ya know... it is kinda nicer with out some pervy old man watching."

Trowa drawled with his usual dry humor, "Well, there is that guy at the table over there."

Duo laughed out loud, leaning against Trowa as if he didn't have the strength to steady himself. 

Trowa felt the anticipation in his toes, as he flexed them inside his boots. "Maybe we could try it with some privacy. Might be fun."

There was humor and excitement in Duo's eyes, but he worried looked over his shoulder. "Oh, yeah... but, Heero..."

"Has Relena." Trowa spoke firmly, and if he couldn't keep all the bitterness out of his voice, then it wasn't entirely his fault.

Duo looked over his shoulder for only a beat longer, before he beamed at Trowa. "My place is closer."

Trowa nodded with relief, and they walked together out of the festival limits, back to Duo's place.

They walked side-by-side, close enough so that their hands would occasionally brush against each other. Trowa's skin seemed to be hypersensitive at the point where Duo's hand would touch him, and it made Trowa's heart pound to think of having Duo naked with him. They didn't speak, but then, they rarely did when they walked together. Trowa found himself wondering what Duo was thinking right now. It was a disconnected thought, as he had long ago accepted that it was impossible to ever know anyone else's thoughts or feelings. 

Trowa wanted to hear Duo's voice right now, though, because he didn't want to be alone. He had a small knot of ice in his belly as he tried not to think about how things had ended with Quatre, and where that had left him. He remembered the feeling of being physically close to someone, and not even knowing their name, and the feeling of touching someone he cared about, and then being left behind.

He inched a little closer, letting his knuckles rub against Duo's. He needed Duo right now. He could have turned to look at Duo, but his head was fixed at staring straight ahead. 

They got to Duo's building, and into Duo's apartment all too quickly. Everything seemed too normal, and as Duo randomly walked around, turning on and off lights, putting in a cd, then changing his mind, switching to the radio, then turning it off, Trowa realized that Duo was nervous.

It calmed him enough to walk into Duo's bedroom and sit down on the edge of the bed without waiting for Duo to follow.

Duo wandered in after Trowa, looking like he wasn't sure which direction he should have been going. He smiled nervously at Trowa, his hand almost unconsciously going to the back of his head.

It was quiet. Trowa wasn't sure if he should say something or not, so he took his shirt off.

Duo's eyes seemed to be drawn to Trowa's naked chest. He moved toward Trowa without thinking about it. His fine, elegant hands fluttered around the bottom of his shirt, uncertainly.

"I... I guess I should..." Duo made a motion like he was going to take his shirt off, but his hands weren't in contact with the cloth. He licked his lips as his eyes stayed fixed on Trowa's bare chest. 

Trowa stood up, shucking off his shoes as he took the three steps to stand in front of Duo. "Let me." Trowa spoke quietly, so quietly that if there had been any other noise in the room, Duo wouldn't have been able to hear him. 

Duo reacted to the sound of Trowa's voice without sound or movement.

Trowa's mouth was watering, and his brain was slowly switching to stimulus/response mode. He put his hands on Duo, closing his fingers around Duo's slim waist, and he felt his spine get hot. Leaning in, Duo reached up to kiss him gently, in what would have been a purely platonic motion were Trowa's hands not snaking under Duo's clothes. Trowa pulled Duo's shirt up slowly, letting his hands rest flatly against Duo's skin as he moved his hands up. He passed over Duo's nipples, which he was overly pleased to realize were peaked. 

Duo raised his arms to let Trowa pull his shirt off, and then Trowa just tossed it aside so that he could brush Duo's hair away from his face in tiny movements. Trowa leaned in closer, stepping in so that his toes were right in front of Duo's toes, and their bodies were only inches apart, and then Trowa's lips were touching Duo's skin, over his eyes and under his jaw and right next to his ear. Trowa was enthralled by the smell of Duo's hair, and the way Duo's hands touched him tentatively, and then way Duo was breathing so heavily he could feel the air from Duo's lungs against his skin. 

Trowa spoke softly. "Do you have lube? Condoms?"

"Yes." Duo leaned in and kissed Trowa's neck, pulling himself against Trowa by hooking his hands around Trowa's shoulders. Their chests touched, and Trowa could feel Duo from his neck down to his waist.

Trowa sighed, feeling perfectly alive. He ran his hand down the line of Duo's spine, feeling Duo tingle under him.

"Should I..." Duo licked his lips. "Should I turn on the light?"

Trowa shrugged. "There's enough light from the hall."

Duo nodded, and Trowa slowly got to his knees, keeping his lips on Duo's skin as he slid down. Trowa placed his mouth on Duo's stomach with something that would have been reverence if he were capable of it. Duo put his hands on top of Trowa's head, and made some sort of noise that Trowa wasn't wasting time to interpret. He put his fingers on the button of Duo's jeans, and opened them up with extreme care, like he was defusing a bomb.

Duo seemed to be struggling to breathe, his fingers digging into Trowa's scalp somewhat uncomfortably. "You... you don't have to be so careful."

Trowa did respond. He peeled back the jeans a little, revealing Duo's plain white boxers. Trowa kissed Duo's skin along the line of the top of Duo's boxers. Trowa's fingers slipped under the elastic of Duo's boxers slowly, and he began to slide Duo's jeans and boxers down. Duo helpfully stepped out of his pants, and Trowa pulled off Duo's socks as he did. Once all of the clothing had been pushed aside, Trowa rested back on his haunches as he looked up at Duo, completely nude. 

He felt a lump in his throat and a burning heat in his blood. Reaching up, he snagged the end of Duo's braid pulling it forward. He intended to slip the band off the end of Duo's braid, but he was slow to act, as he thought about Duo's hair on his bare skin. Before he could pull off the band, though, Duo made a negative sound, and pulled his braid away from Trowa.

His eyes were clouded as he spoke, stumbling over his words, "It would just get in the way."

Trowa nodded, and then he put his mouth on Duo's cock. 

Duo shook with the vibrations from Trowa's mouth, and Trowa wrapped his arms around Duo's waist to steady him. Duo's hands in Trowa's hair became painfully demanding, but Trowa didn't mind, as he took it as encouragement. 

"Trowa..." The need in Duo's voice made Trowa groan, which sent shockwaves through Duo's nervous system. " _Trowa_... you don't... you don't need to..."

Trowa didn't bother to find out what he didn't need to do because he was too busy licking Duo's balls. Breathing deeply, Trowa felt like he might get high off the primal scent from just beneath the base of Duo's cock.

Duo grabbed Trowa's hair abruptly, pulling him up so that he could take Trowa in a hard, forceful kiss. Trowa was more than willing to lean into the kiss, and he soon had Duo leaning back with one knee up on the bed. Duo's hands were moving over Trowa's body frantically, driving Trowa to push further. Duo sat down on the bed with a whoosh, his hands on Trowa's body all the time. He started to unbutton Trowa's pants distractedly, his face flushed and his eyes shining brightly. 

"How do you want to do it?" The question seemed spurious, and completely out of place, even though it was necessary.

Trowa merely stepped out of his pants and put his legs on either side of Duo's thighs. "In me."

Duo's eyes widened momentarily. "Sure?"

Trowa leaned down, pushing Duo back onto the bed, devouring his mouth and neck and shoulder and nipple.

They tumbled over the bed a few times, pushing against each other with their whole bodies. Duo got Trowa on his back, Trowa's wrists in his hands and Trowa's thigh captured between his. Trowa arched his back to gain full contact, and Duo chucked from deep in his chest.

There was fumbling as Duo found the lube and condoms, and then Trowa put the condom on Duo, taking his time and licking Duo's stomach as he did. Duo groaned, and then flipped Trowa over to prepare him. Trowa had his leg over Duo's shoulder, his other leg spread nearly perpendicular to his body.

Duo shook his head. "Man, you have an amazing body..." His voice was deep and thick, and he took Trowa in his mouth as his fingers pressed into Trowa's body.

It had been a long time for Trowa. He hadn't been touched in so long. He was tight, but Duo's fingers were long and slim, and Duo's mouth was hot, and Trowa wasn't thinking anymore, his body writhing under Duo as he let all the sensations rule him.

Duo worked fast, but he was careful, and it felt like it was only a heartbeat later than Duo was inside of him, pounding inside of him, Duo's braid slipping over his shoulder to lay on Trowa's chest, moving with Duo as Duo's hips gyrated in a fleshy rhythm, the percussion beat of their bodies meeting keeping time.

Trowa opened his mouth to scream or moan or cheer or beg, but the only sound he could make was a whimper. His hands were on Duo's shoulders, and his finger flexed over Duo's skin.

Unexpectedly, Trowa flipped them over, surprising both of them. Duo was now on his back, and Trowa was straddling him, his hands on Duo's chest. 

Trowa blinked, five times.

When Trowa started to move, it was much slower than the breakneck pace that Duo had been setting. He clenched his ass as he pulled up, milking Duo with each stroke. He let his hands spread over Duo's chest, his fingers brushing over Duo's nipples. 

Duo's eyes were open, and Trowa stared down into Duo. Duo didn't blink, just stared up at Trowa, his mouth open just a little, his cheeks pink with excitement. 

Duo's eyes were fathomless. Trowa leaned down further and further with each stroke, until his forehead would bump Duo's.

Duo's eyes fluttered closed, and he groaned, "Trowa!"

Trowa felt his body tighten at the sound of Duo's voice.

Duo's hands came up and grabbed Trowa's neck. He pulled Trowa down, and they kissed, Duo taking Trowa's tongue between his teeth and biting with enough pressure to make Trowa growl. 

"Trowa... Trowa, faster, Trowa... god damn it..." Duo sighed and groaned, thrusting his hips as he clutched Trowa's neck and shoulders, and did everything he could to make Trowa just go faster, harder...

As Trowa was sliding up, Duo pushed forward, and then Trowa was on his back again, his head over the edge of the bed and Duo plowed into him, taking Trowa's cock into his hands, his face contorted with the effort.

Trowa didn't know he was going to come when he did, and he didn't know when Duo came or what happened after that.

There was the sound of breathing that punctuated the silence, and Trowa blinked, finding Duo resting on his chest, his hand running up and down Duo's back.

"Trowa..." Duo whimpered, his hand moving over Trowa's chest. "God damn it..."

Trowa smiled.

Duo sat up after what felt like a few minutes had passed, moving like he had been in battle for the last twelve hours. He pulled the condom off his dick, and tossed it in the direction of the garbage can carelessly. He rubbed the back of his neck, stretching out a little from his seated position, his messy braid trailing down his back, as if forgotten.

Trowa grinned, feeling ridiculously happy.

"Man... I'm sleepy." Duo grinned at Trowa from over his shoulder, his hand still behind his neck. 

Trowa sighed, pulling himself up. Brushing his fingers over Duo's cheek, he smiled. "Put your head down, then, silly."

He got up, feeling loose and wet. He went into Duo's bathroom, and turned the water on so that it would run warm. He looked at his reflection in the mirror from the corner of his eye so that he wouldn't get too involved at looking at himself. His hair was sticking out in every direction, the long part in the front mostly standing straight up from his forehead. 

Trowa grabbed a washcloth from the rail, and put it under the water. When the cloth was suitably warm, he put it between his legs, then over his chest. He rinsed it under the water again before turning the water off, wringing the cloth gently before padding back into the bedroom. 

Duo was horizontal over the blanket, his eyes half closed and his hands under his face in a manner that Trowa could only describe as cute. Of course, he didn't say anything. Trowa sat down on the bed next to Duo, and gently ran the cloth between Duo's legs, and over his body, cleaning him with clinical fondness.

Duo opened his eyes, and grinned up at Trowa. "You're a fantastic lay, Tro."

"I know. You too." Trowa winked at Duo, somewhat uncomfortably aware that his face was fully exposed.

Duo laughed, a breathy sound that seemed to come from Duo's belly. "Thanks."

Trowa tossed the cloth into the bathroom, listening to it land on the tiled floor with a flop. He brushed the hair around Duo's face back. Duo leaned into Trowa's touches like a cat encouraging petting.

Smiling, Trowa tapped Duo's nose. "Get under the covers."

Duo blinked as Trowa pulled the sheets back. "You're... you're staying?"

Trowa didn't bother thinking about it. "Of course. Unless you are kicking me out."

Duo shook his head, shifting up as Trowa pulled the covers out from under him. "No, no, that's not... I'm sorry, it's just..."

Trowa smiled, slipping into bed next to Duo. "Does the light bother you?"

Duo blinked. "No."

Trowa nodded, and then pulled the covers around them. Duo squirmed under the covers, unable to settle. Trowa sighed, putting his hands behind his head. "Duo."

Duo seemed to blush a little, and he hid his face behind his shoulder. "Sorry. I've... I've never done this before. I mean, I've... well, obviously. But, I've never _slept_ with anyone before."

Trowa nodded. He couldn't say that he was surprised that Heero never stayed the night, but he couldn't say he wasn't disappointed either. 

"I guess I'm not sure what to do." Duo smiled to cover his embarrassment, which made Trowa brush his fingers over Duo's mouth to stop the expression.

"Just settle down." Trowa's arm was still extended, his hand touching Duo's face.

Duo nodded, his face neutral. He leaned down, and settled himself next to Trowa, before inching closer. "Is this... is this ok?"

Trowa nodded.

Duo grinned, and then draped himself over Trowa, his leg hooking between Trowa's legs. "How about this?"

Trowa put his arms around Duo, and put his chin on top of Duo's chin.

Duo sighed, and his limbs stilled on Trowa's body. "Actually... I _have_ slept with someone before... but it was a long, long time ago..."

Trowa brushed his fingers over the back of Duo's neck to indicate his interest.

"When I was a kid, actually." Duo didn't sound like he was talking to Trowa. He sounded like he was voicing a memory he hadn't thought about in ages. "I used to sleep with Solo."

There was more affection in Duo's voice when he said that name than Trowa ever remembered hearing from Duo before. Trowa nodded, rubbing his chin over Duo's head, hoping that Duo would continue as his eyes blinked sleepily.

"My very first memory is of Solo saving me." Duo's voice was faraway, and Duo's hand traced patterns in Trowa's skin randomly. "I don't remember my family, if I ever had one, at all. I remember running away from something, something huge, I don't remember what, and I was trapped in a corner, an alley. I thought I was a goner.

"Then Solo showed up. He grabbed me, and carried me away. 

"That night, I slept in Solo's arms. He promised that he would take care of me."

Duo sighed, rubbing his cheek against Trowa's chest a little, and Trowa ran his hand down Duo's braid.

"I didn't even have a name then. Solo called me Kid. The other kids in his gang made fun of me, since I was so small and had such long hair. But Solo just pointed out that I was the fastest kid in the gang, and when they pulled my hair and called me a girl, he would push them away, and put his hands in my hair, and say I was beautiful."

Duo's voice was small and colored with emotion. Trowa felt a small twinge of envy. He would have liked to have known Duo and Solo when he was child.

"I loved Solo." Duo spoke matter-of-factly, but there was still a great deal of feeling in the words. "He and I were inseparable; at night, we would bunk together, and he would put his arms around me. I would go to sleep with my nose pressed against Solo's chest. Just the smell of him was enough to make me feel safe. I thought that we would always be together. I mean, we were just kids, so it was all completely innocent, but I thought that we would grow up together and be together forever. I even asked Solo once if we were gonna get married when we got bigger, and he would just tousle my hair and say that we would."

Trowa's eyes were opened, and fixed on the dim light spread over the carpet of Duo's bedroom. Duo's wistful tones trailed off, and Trowa knew that Duo was thinking about the end of the story. He wasn't sure if he should say something or not. It was the quiet that decided it for Trowa; it seemed to weigh on him.

"What happened?"

Duo shrugged. "There was a plague. Solo was the first in the gang to catch it, but he didn't tell anyone. When the younger kids started coughin' and shit, we started to look into it. There was a cure, but the military wasn't going to waste time on givin' it out to the poor scum on the streets. They figured we were all rebels anyway, so it was just an easier way to get rid of us.

"I stole some of the treatments, and some needles and junk, but when I got back, Solo made me give it to the younger kids first. There was only a little left when everyone but him and me were treated. He made me take some first, just in case I was infected. There wasn't much left for him, but... but it didn't matter. 

"He was already dying."

The room was quiet. Trowa could feel Duo's heart beating against his chest. It was comforting. He traced the pattern of the scab from Duo's tattoo absently.

"I held him while he died. He kept his hand in my hair the whole time. He... he kept whispering, reminding me not to let the guys hassle me about my hair... he kept sayin'... that I was beautiful. He told me he loved me. When he died, I promised him that I would carry him with me everywhere. If he was Solo, then I would be Duo from then on." Duo pressed himself closer to Trowa, sighing. "For the longest time, I felt like I had been gutted. I promised him that he would live in me, but I felt like I had died with him." Trowa nodded, moving his hand over Duo's back slowly. He didn't want to speak, but he felt like the silence was bearing down on him again. "That's why you keep your hair long. Have you ever cut it?"

Duo smiled against Trowa's skin. "Only to keep the ends neat."

Trowa nodded, kissing the top of Duo's head too lightly for Duo to feel it.

"I've never told anyone that. I mean, I think I told Sister Helen, but not since then..." Duo seemed surprised that he was still talking, but Trowa just held Duo tighter. Duo sighed into Trowa's shoulder. "You're a bad influence on me, you know."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. You treat me too well. Might give me a big head." Duo yawned, and Trowa imagined that his eyes were closed.

Trowa grinned, and bumped his leg up once. "I like your big head."

Duo laughed softly, his voice getting progressively quieter and quieter until his breathing evened out, and Trowa felt like Duo was asleep.

Throughout the night, Trowa would close his eyes, and drift off, but the presence of Duo on him would alternately startle and soothe him, until eventually exhaustion set in, and Trowa fell asleep.

* * *

  


Trowa woke up alone in Duo's bed, but he could hear Duo in the kitchen, so it didn't bother him.

He stayed in bed for a few moments after he woke up, blinking sleepily as he stared at the sunlight on the floor. When he finally got up, he moved slowly, stretching out every part of him in order until he was wiggling his toes. He felt loose and comfortable, his whole body pleasantly sore.

He slipped his boxers on, and walked slowly out to the kitchen to greet Duo.

Duo was his lover now. Trowa grinned softly, brushing his hair down over his face as he walked.

Duo was at the stove, making eggs. He was wearing Trowa's button down shirt from the night before, and nothing else. His braid was still messy and loose, hanging down his back. 

Trowa grinned. "Morning."

Duo turned to grin at Trowa a bit manically. "Heya. Making eggs. How do you like them?"

Trowa shrugged. He didn't like eggs much, but he ate them anyway when they were what was being offered.

Duo turned back to the eggs. "I'm scrambling them, but I guess it's more like an omelet cuz I stuck a bunch of other stuff in 'em too, like cheese and ham and junk. How are you this morning? Sore? I hope you are ok. I didn't ask you last night, and I should have. Sorry. Do you like pepper in your eggs?"

Trowa sat down at the table behind Duo, smiling. "I'm fine. Great, actually."

Duo snuck a peak at Trowa quickly. "Great. Well, great. Ok. I mean, I figured you woulda spoken up if something was wrong last night, but it's nice to ask, anyway. I mean, I think it is."

"Thanks." Trowa watched Duo's hands move, holding the pan with one as the other used a fork to mix the eggs.

Duo nodded. "Ok. Well, I've never done that before, so..."

Trowa frowned. "You've never topped?"

Duo chuckled nervously. "Well, you know, Heero's not likely to spread his legs for _me_..." Duo trailed off, somewhat despondently.

Trowa stood up. "No one else?"

Duo just shrugged and shook his head at the same time.

Trowa nodded, and then put his arms around Duo's waist, placing his chin on Duo's shoulder. Duo started in Trowa's arms, but he just held Duo tighter. He kissed the place just below Duo's ear softly. "Thank you."

Duo shuddered in Trowa's arms, turning a little and opening his arms as if to make a denial, but Trowa kissed Duo's cheek.

"I know what it meant to you. I appreciate your trust in me."

Duo nodded, putting his hand over Trowa's arm. He turned a little in Trowa's arms, smiling up at Trowa, his eyes bright and clear.

Trowa leaned in a little, and they kissed, their lips and tongues touching, tasting, slowly and leisurely. 

"My, my, what a cute scene." Heero's nasal sarcasm failed to separate them, but Duo nearly jumped in Trowa's arms, breaking their kiss. "Almost a shame to break it up." Heero's eyes were piercing, accusing Trowa menacingly.

Trowa smirked, and took the pan of eggs off the burner. "Heero."

Heero sneered, aiming his glare at Duo. "I guess you were too busy whoring yourself to meet up with Relena last night. She was very disappointed. This was her only chance to see you in months, but I guess being a slut is a demanding profession. Did you forget that you promised to help me fix my speeder today, or did you have a few more johns to fit in before then?"

Duo swallowed hard, his eyes blazing. "Jesus fucking Christ, Heero, you get tired of hitting that same note over and over again?"

Trowa smirked, and took Duo's hand. He lead Duo past Heero, to the bedroom.

Trowa got dressed quickly, not bothering to wash up. Duo rushed around, obviously a little flustered and desperate not to let on. He chatted aimlessly, grumbling about Heero, and talking about his laundry.

Trowa stopped him to get his shirt back, and Duo flushed. 

"Damn it, Trowa, I'm sorry about that... I forgot that Heero... Damn, this is awkward." Duo bit his lip and looked down.

Trowa realized belatedly that Duo was having trouble meeting his eye. Trowa shook his head, though he didn't know what he was denying. He kissed Duo's forehead between his eyes quickly. "Duo. I'm not asking you to choose."

Duo looked up, his eyes wild and attempting a denial his throat would not form.

Trowa smiled. "It's ok. I just want to be with you. I knew all about Heero before last night, remember."

Duo bit his lip harder, and for a minute, he looked like he was going to draw blood. "I'm sorry, Trowa. I... I wish I could say that I was going to..."

Trowa shook his head, took Duo's face in both his hands, and kissed him goodbye slowly. When their lips separated, Trowa brushed his thumb over Duo's bottom lip.

"Call me." It was neither a request nor an order. Trowa left Duo standing in the middle of his bedroom looking lost.

He walked past Heero quickly, not giving Heero time to bait him, ignoring the glare aimed at his back. He got out to the street, and set off to walk home, the activity aggravating the slight soreness in his ass, making him smile. 

Duo was his lover now. He looked forward to being inside of Duo.


	5. Chapter 5

Trowa spread his fingers out as he ran his hands over Duo's back, the slick oil squishing between the skin on his fingers and the skin of Duo's back. He was hypnotically focused on the movement of his hands over Duo, the slow repetition of strokes seemingly timed with the beating of his heart. He felt like his arms were moving in time with the air coming in and out of his lungs, and the process of rubbing Duo's back was inexorably linked to the process of taking in oxygen.

Duo moaned as Trowa's hands moved up his back, his face down, and his body shuddering from the force of the sound in his chest. Trowa spread the oil over Duo's back and shoulders, and then methodically rubbed down each muscle group precisely. The bold strokes of ink that formed the wings of Duo's tattoo captivated Trowa as he moved, his eyes fixed on the swirls and lines as he moved from Duo's shoulders to his back.

Trowa was shirtless as well, and they were both also barefooted. Trowa wore a pair of thin sweatpants, and Duo wore only his boxers. Duo's braid trailed like a well-fed snake over Duo's arm and aside him on the bed.

Only Trowa's breathing and Duo's moans punctuated the silence.

The moon was full, and brilliantly bright, casting a whitish blue light over Trowa's bed. The room was slightly cold, as Trowa usually preferred to keep his apartment just on the side of chilly, but there was a film of heated sweat forming on Trowa's bare skin, the heat stealing up through his hands, over his arms, and over his chest. 

Trowa had never before engaged in such protracted foreplay.

Once he had passed over every inch of flesh three times, and his hands were beginning to tire, Trowa stopped, leaning down over Duo so he could talk into Duo's ear. "Feel better?"

Duo turned his head so he could grin up at Trowa. "Thanks."

Trowa's fingers moved to the tattoo, tracing the lines and swirls absently. "I'm surprised they had you work on a Filger-Gleesan by yourself."

Duo shrugged. "It's a fairly complicated engine. There are integrated mechanical and electronic parts, so it requires more finesse and intelligence to diagnose and repair."

A small wrinkle wedged itself between Trowa's brows. "That's why I would have thought they would assign at least two people to the job."

Duo laughed as he turned over, still lying between Trowa's legs. "I don't play well with others."

Trowa let his fingers trail down Duo's chest, down his abdomen, to where the elastic of the top of Duo's boxers were. He didn't look at Duo's face as he spoke, more interested in the indented crease of Duo's bellybutton. "I don't agree with that."

Duo grinned. Reaching up, he put his hand behind Trowa's head, and led Trowa's mouth down to a kiss. Trowa opened his mouth, just letting Duo control things. He passively rested over Duo, concentrating on the feeling of Duo's body against his.

Duo turned them so they were both on their sides, facing each other. He insinuated his leg between Trowa's, and put his arms around Trowa as best he could in the position they were in. "I don't want to play with the guys at work. They can't fly like you can."

Again Trowa let Duo control the moment, just feeling Duo's leg moving between his and Duo's mouth moving over his skin, Duo's hand in his hair and Duo's skin brushing against his. 

There didn't seem to be any reason to rush what was to happen. There was a quality to the way that Duo moved next to him that felt like it might last forever, if Trowa could let it happen.

Eventually, all this teasing would reach the inevitable breaking point, and Trowa would press Duo's back against the mattress and take Duo's body for his own, but Trowa was appreciating the anticipation.

"Do you like your job?"

That question seemed as perfectly in context as the hand that was slipping beneath Trowa's waistband to tease Trowa's genitals. The only reason he paused in answering was because he needed to catch his breath.

"Of course not. Should I?"

Duo chuckled, his lips against Trowa's throat. Trowa brought his arm up slowly to cradle Duo's head.

"No, I suppose not. Do you ever feel..."

Trowa wasn't aware in any break in the train of thought as Duo slipped down to lick and bite Trowa's nipple. 

"You know. That you are doing any good."

Trowa blinked, unconsciously pushing his hips against the hand that was handling his cock. 

"I doubt it."

Duo jerked Trowa's sweatpants down to Trowa's knees, taking the time to run his hand up and down Trowa's exposed thigh, from the hip to the mid thigh. 

"Yeah. I sometimes think... you know, that the vehicles I fix are out there, saving the day."

Trowa sighed as Duo leaned down and kissed and sucked on that space of abdomen just above Trowa's groin.

"Does that... Does that matter?"

Duo chuckled, and he came back up to suck on Trowa's lips. He pulled his braid forward, and used the end to tease Trowa's chest. 

"No. I actually couldn't give a rat's ass."

Trowa put his arms around Duo and pulled him so that Trowa was on his back and Duo was on top of him. Duo put one knee down on the bed so that he could get the proper leverage to drive his hips down into Trowa's. The sound of breathing in the room was thicker, and Trowa was aware that he was sweating. He felt hot, so he pushed his sweatpants off with his feet. 

The 'phone rang. It rang several times, and then stopped. Then it started ringing again. 

This cycle continued for several minutes, showing no signs of stopping.

Duo sighed, slipping off of Trowa, to rest on his side. "What the fuck. Get the damn message already, we aren't answering the phone."

"It's Quatre." Trowa spoke mechanically. He continued on unprompted. "If it was Catherine, she would have given up after the first time."

Duo raised his eyebrow, grinning with one side of his mouth. "And no one else ever calls?"

Trowa shrugged with one shoulder. "You."

The 'phone ringing seemingly got louder and more annoyingly insistent.

Duo was scowling. "Want me to answer it?"

The very idea amused Trowa enough that his expression egged Duo on. Duo didn't bother to get dressed, he just hopped out of bed and walked uncomfortably to the living room, where the 'phone was set up. Trowa leaned up on one elbow, so he could see the glow from the 'phone's monitor. 

"Hey Quatre! Wow, it's been years, I think. How are you?"

Trowa smirked, the tone of Duo's voice amusing him.

He could hear Quatre sputter, and not everything he said was perfectly audible. "...Duo... expect to, well... you."

"Oh, yeah, I spend as much time in Trowa's as he spends in mine."

Trowa actually wanted to laugh.

"...good. I guess you two are... Who would have guessed it?"

Duo laughed. "Well, no one ever got rich betting on anything. It's the unexpected things that you can count on. So, I hear you are married. That's a surprise. What's that like?"

Trowa could almost hear Quatre blush. 

"...settling down, thinking about the future. It's wonderful, really."

"Man, you know, I don't feel like I'm old enough to get hitched. But then, I guess you do have quite a different set of obligations... Well, I'm happy for you, you know."

"Thanks, Duo. ...Trowa?"

"Oh, Trowa can't come to the 'phone; he's not dressed."

Trowa smiled as he pictured Duo's completely straight face.

"That's why I'm doing the answering. Wouldn't want you to worry yourself that our boy is busy offing himself or something."

Trowa put his hand up over his mouth, hiding and suppressing his mirth. 

"That's not funny, Duo." Quatre was using his stern, grown-up voice. "And you aren't dressed, either."

Trowa could actually hear Duo wink. "I'm more dressed than he is, Q. Well, I suppose you really called to talk to Tro, so I'll pass along your regards and let you get back to your work. It was really good to talk to you again, Quatre."

Duo actually sounded like he meant it, too, which Trowa had no doubt that he did. 

"...too. Tell Trowa to call me as soon as he can. Bye."

Duo clicked off the 'phone, and chuckled as he walked back to the bedroom. He slipped his boxers off as he was getting into the bed. "I don't think Quatre was happy to talk to me."

Trowa covered Duo with his body, his mouth devouring everything that it could contact.

Duo was laughing as Trowa sucked on his nipple. If he had been trying to speak, Trowa didn't notice or care. Duo's body was shuddering under him, and it made Trowa a little crazy.

He needed to be inside of Duo, he needed to be over him, he needed to hear Duo scream. Trowa's eyes narrowed, and he bit his lip. He put his hands on the bed on either side of Duo's neck, his fingers digging into the sheets with enough force to tear them. Duo grunted, and Trowa used his knee to push Duo's legs apart.

Duo threw one leg over Trowa's hip, and pulled the lube and condoms off the nightstand. Trowa sucked on Duo's neck while Duo prepared himself, his back arched so that his shoulders and his foot were the only part of his body in contact with the bed, his fingers busy. 

Trowa actually growled, a sound he had never made before, but he wasn't paying attention to the noise he was making, he was too busy shaking as Duo rolled the condom over his dick.

Trowa closed his eyes. He thought he might be burning up.

He wasn't aware of anything. The world seemed to compress. Trowa felt like he might be dying.

It was exquisite.

The air was suddenly cold. Trowa was laying flat on top of Duo, and Duo's legs were wrapped around him. He was still inside of Duo.

He felt cold, but just on his skin, which made him feel awake. He blinked several times, his vision clearing with each blink. Duo's eyes were half opened, half closed, and there was this coy smile teasing his lips.

Trowa smirked.

Duo's hands moved over Trowa's back carelessly, his fingertips pressed down into Trowa's skin. Trowa pressed his lips against the skin of Duo's neck, just breathing.

Duo sighed. "Trowa?"

Trowa nodded slowly, his lips still in contact with Duo's skin.

"I'm starting to get a cramp."

Trowa pushed up a little, gently easing Duo's legs down as he slipped out. Duo pulled the condom off of Trowa, tossing it in the general direction of the garbage dismissively. 

"You're staying." Trowa spoke quietly, resting on his side, his hands joined in front of his face as if he were a little boy getting ready to go to sleep when he wasn't the least bit tired.

Duo ran his hands through Trowa's hair. "How do you get it to do this? Stick out, I mean."

Shrugging, Trowa watched Duo's hand moving through his hair and over his face. "It just sort of does."

"Your hair is very coarse."

Trowa thought about nodding, but his head didn't actually move.

Duo pulled his braid forward, and teased Trowa's nose with the end of it. "You like my hair."

It wasn't a question, so Trowa felt no need to respond to it.

Duo leaned over impulsively, and kissed Trowa hard enough to make him feel like his lips would swell. "Do you want me to stay, Tro?"

Trowa put his hand on Duo's waist, and rolled over to his back, guiding Duo to lie on top of him. 

Duo chuckled soundlessly, his chest shaking on top of Trowa's chest. "I'm still sticky."

Shrugging, Trowa moved his hand over Duo's abdomen and legs, collecting up the offensive material. He licked his hand from the heel of his palm to the tip of his finger in one long stroke.

Duo looked very serious right before he leaned in to suck on Trowa's lips, his tongue slipping inside to taste Trowa's mouth.

Trowa put his arms around Duo, and enjoyed the kiss. When they pulled away, he lightly kissed Duo's face, along his cheekbone, and then just under his ear. Whispering, Trowa asked blankly, "You want to stay with me, right?"

Inserting his leg between Trowa's, Duo sighed, and put his head down on Trowa's chest. "I'm cold. Pull the blanket over us."

Trowa complied wordlessly, trying not to move his body as he arranged the thick blanket over them. Duo's breathing was regular and warm against Trowa's collarbone, and Trowa felt a drowsy contentment settle over his thoughts, hazing anything rational, until Trowa's thoughts were blank, dark, warm dreams.

He imagined that Duo shared the same dream. When the alarm clock rang in the morning, he was so thickly enwrapped inside his careless unconsciousness, he did not move until Duo sat up, rubbing his face with the back of his hands, his hair loose and mused up and his body languidly loose.

He spent the day at work feeling out of place every second, almost mourning the loss of sleep.

* * *

  


The coffee was too bland. Trowa only had the instant kind. He didn't like coffee that much; it tended to fill his mouth with flavor uncomfortably. 

Duo was fiddling with his bagel, pulling into bits and then pulling the bits into smaller bits. Trowa watched Duo's fingers as they made progressively smaller and smaller bagel-bits. Duo's braid was over his shoulder, and the end of it was pooled in his lap. Trowa held the coffee cup in both hands, his fingers wrapped around the ceramic mug as if he were cold. His own bagel was undefiled and undestroyed, though Trowa was quite certain that Duo would soon run out of bagel-bits to tear up and would then turn to Trowa's bagel.

Clearing his throat discreetly, Trowa looked down into his coffee. "I was planning on eating it."

Duo's whole body jerked, his eyes shooting up. "I'm sorry?"

"My bagel."

Duo looked confused, looking from Trowa's bagel, to Trowa's lowered head, back to Trowa's bagel, and then to his own hands. "Oh! Heh, good one, Tro." Duo smiled at him, and his bare foot bumping Trowa's leg playfully under the table.

Trowa looked up at Duo, and picked up his bagel with defiance.

Duo's foot moved slowly up and down Trowa's leg. "Can I have a bite of your bagel?"

"You had your own bagel." Trowa tore off a piece and ate it slowly.

Duo titled his head to the side, his face affecting the look of innocence and need. "But I want to eat yours."

Trowa's body froze, his hand halfway to his mouth with another piece of bagel. He left his hand where it was, meeting Duo's mischievous look evenly. Duo pushed himself up in his chair with his elbows, leaning over the table, his mouth opened just a little. He moved with patient slowness, giving Trowa ample time to pull away, or move, but Trowa was immobile. 

Duo's mouth slowly encompassed the piece of bagel, and continued to move down until his lips sealed over Trowa's fingers. He lifted his head, his lips making a smacking noise as they cleared the tips of Trowa's fingers. Duo sat back, grinning.

"Tasty."

Trowa raised an eyebrow, his lips quirking. "Good thing we have plenty of time before work. If you make me feed you lunch, though, I'll definitely get written up."

Duo changed. His shoulders drooped, and he seemed to collapse into himself. His chin dipped until it almost touched his chest. Duo's bangs were long, and thick, and with his head bent down like this, Trowa couldn't see his face. 

"I've got plans for lunch."

Trowa bit into his bagel decisively. He knew what plans Duo must have. He couldn't say it didn't hurt, but then, he didn't want to think about it. He didn't like the path those thought would take. "Ok."

"I'm sorry."

"It's ok."

"I can cancel... Well..."

"Duo, it's fine."

"I'm sorry." Duo sounded completely dejected. 

Trowa ignored the blank feeling in his stomach, and reached out to touch the back of Duo's hand with his fingertips. "Duo. It's ok."

Duo's chin stayed down until they were done with breakfast. Trowa got dressed while Duo was in the bathroom, and then they switched, Duo getting dressed while Trowa quickly cleaned up. They walked together to the bus stop, neither one speaking. On the bus, Duo sat by the window, and kept his face to the glass the whole time. 

At the corner where they separated, Duo squeezed Trowa's hand before walking quickly away.

It wasn't until Trowa was halfway through his inbox that he remembered that he had intended to have some oral sex after breakfast.

* * *

  


Trowa wandered aimlessly around his apartment. He had the feeling that there was something that he ought to be doing, but he couldn't remember what it was. He narrowed his eyes, examining the carpet by the couch. He could have sworn that just a _minute_ ago he was thinking of doing something.

He was sort of hungry, but that would require either cooking something, or heating something up, or fixing something. He just couldn't be bothered. 

He could do the laundry. He didn't really want to do that.

The sheets on his bed did need to be changed. He and Duo had made a bit of a mess. But, for some reason, Trowa felt loath to take away the evidence.

He blinked, thinking about what, exactly, he was romantically clinging to. He turned on his heel and went straight to the bedroom.

After he had set up the washer with the first load, Trowa was feeling like the inertia of his body was working more on the side of movement, and so he went to the kitchen and warmed up a cup of ramen. He ate it with a plastic spoon straight from the bowl, leaning against the counter. 

He finished the ramen, and then moved the laundry, starting another load as long as he was in motion anyway.

The 'phone rang, but he ignored it. They didn't leave a message, or call back, so Trowa assumed it was Catherine. He made a mental note to email her in the morning, and went to put fresh sheets on the bed.

When he got the second load into the dryer, he got to feeling really tired, so he went to lie down on the couch and stare at the ceiling. In an attempt to pretend that he wasn't going to waste the rest of the night, he brought the laundry he needed to fold with him.

When the 'phone rang, he automatically assumed that it was Catherine, and went to answer it without looking.

He clicked it on from the side, leaning against the wall as he waited for the other person to speak.

First, there was a very loud sigh, and then, "Trowa, damn it, get in front of the 'phone already."

Trowa blinked three times, not sure if he should move or not. But another whining sigh got him in front of the 'phone, despite himself. 

Duo smiled weakly. He looked tired, his eyes seemingly lined and his hair limp. "Hi."

Trowa nodded shortly. 

Duo lowered his head, obviously shaken. "So. How's it going?"

Trowa considered shrugging. His eyes fell to the carpet between his feet. "You know."

Duo nodded, his eyes still mostly concealed by his bangs. "Yeah."

Trowa felt the uncomfortable need to keep the conversation going. That was not usually his role in any conversation, so he was distinctly out of his depth. "You have a good lunch?" He had not intended to ask that, nor did he want to hear the response, but he at least had the satisfaction of having kept his tone neutral.

Duo laughed bitterly. "Not really. Heero and I had this huge argument, and we got kicked out of the deli. Then, he made me late for work getting back, and I had to stay late so my boss could act like he was my fucking superior. All in all, I had a pretty awful lunch. You?"

Trowa had to think for a minute before he could respond. "I don't think I took one."

Duo smiled again, the expression washing over his face like the low tide, clearing the sand of footprints. "He just left. We had sex."

Trowa nodded mutely. 

"I think I should apologize or something."

Trowa half-shrugged, and half shook his head. "I'm not going to ask you to choose."

"It would be easier if you would." Duo sounded morose, but Trowa couldn't only see the top of his head as Duo rubbed the back of his neck.

"Well. I'm not going to ask you."

Duo turned his head away, and Trowa found himself wanting to be able to see Duo's eyes. He imagined Heero biting Duo's neck, and the image killed him a little.

"Hey, Trowa?" Duo smiled, his face still turned away, his eyes closed. "Can you auto-fellate?"

Trowa blinked several times before he was able to make sense of those words in the order they had been placed together. "Excuse me?"

Duo winked at him, teasing. "Well... I was thinking about when... I mean, you are so... _flexible_ and all... If _I_ were as flexible as you are, well... I don't think I'd ever leave my apartment." Duo winked at him again, his grin invitingly contagious.

Trowa took exactly thirty-seven seconds to appreciate how unfair it was that Duo could make a person smile after telling him that he was fucking someone else, too, and then he shrugged. "I don't know. I've never tried to."

Duo leaned forward, his elbows on the console of his 'phone, grinning at Trowa. "Try."

Trowa considered it for a moment. He honestly had no desire to taste himself, or to cause his own ejaculation. On the other hand, Duo would be watching. 

He shrugged dismissively, and took off his shirt. He turned to take off his pants, but Duo stopped him.

"Adjust the scope of your camera, so I can see the whole couch. And do it so that your hips will be facing the phone once you get them up in the air."

Trowa nodded, making the necessarily adjustments to his camera before slipping his pants off, and then lying down on the couch. 

It was a bit awkward. He didn't like having to touch himself to get things going, but on the other hand, it would be useful to be started already before trying anything advanced. He belatedly thought that it might have been a good idea to stretch out a bit before trying any couch gymnastics.

"Don't try to touch yourself." Duo's voice was somehow soothingly commanding. "Just put your hands on your belly, and listen to me before you start. Imagine that I'm in the room with you. I'm standing at the end of the couch, and I'm naked. I've got my braid in my hand, and I'm leaning forward. I'm touching your dick with my hair, just a little. Can you feel it?"

Trowa was having a little trouble hearing over his labored breathing. He closed his eyes to facilitate the fantasy, and found his fingertips ghosting over the skin just below his belly button absently. He didn't think that Duo's question required an answer.

"I lean all the way over, and I've let go of my hair. The braid falls over your belly and your groin. It's heavy, and it tickles a little. My mouth is just a little bit over yours. My hands are right next to your body. I move my head from side to side, and my braid moves over your skin, slowly, so the end tickles your groin. Does that feel good?"

If Duo wanted something more coherent than a groan for a response, he wouldn't be talking to Trowa like this, now would he? Trowa let one hand slip lower, grazing his hard cock as he rubbed his inner thigh.

Duo was smiling. Trowa could hear it. "Ok, so I stand up again, and I push your legs up. Higher. I push them so they are straight up in the air. And I let my hands run all the way from your ankles to your ass, and I feel up your ass. God, Tro, your body is like a work of art. I push your ass up... higher... until you are resting on your shoulders. Your feet are now behind your head.

"Trowa. Open your mouth."

Trowa did as he was told, and he stretched his legs out a bit behind his head. The tip of his cock bumped his chin, and with only a slight adjustment to his hips, he had it in his mouth.

Duo groaned for him, and he wet his lips with the fluid gathering at the slit. 

"More, Tro, you want more..."

Trowa agreed, and he wrapped his lips around his cock and took more in. He could feel his muscles stretching over his back, almost painfully at his neck, but he was only aware of two things: Duo's voice, and the feeling in his groin. 

It didn't take long, with Duo moaning and milking him with his voice. 

Afterwards, he stretched out over the couch, his legs flopped uselessly, one straight out and the other over the edge so his foot was on the floor, and his arms above his head.

"See?" Duo sounded very satisfied. "Isn't life fun with me around?"

Trowa grinned. "Very."

"Are you sleepy?"

"Yes."

"Then clean up and go to bed, Tro."

Trowa nodded, but didn't move.

"And Tro? I think we should have lunch together tomorrow. Ok?"

"Ok." Trowa waited until Duo disconnected before he thought about rolling off the couch.

* * *

  


There were too many children around. Trowa didn't really care for children that much. They tended to be loud and messy, and they spent considerably portions of their life just having fun. 

Trowa was certain that it wasn't natural.

Duo was at the counter, buying ice cream. Trowa stood close to the door, his arms folded over his chest, watching the whole scene with distrustful eyes.

Duo seemed to like to talk to and tease the little hellions swarming around him, but Trowa wasn't certain that Duo really was enjoying it. The one pulling on his braid was certainly earning some harsh looks along with the too-wide smile.

Trowa kept his eye on the braid-puller as Duo came toward him with his purchases. Duo kept his eyes on Trowa the whole time, his expression very clear.

In another time, the braid-puller would have had to learn to get by without kneecaps.

"You like fudgsicles?" Duo smirked as he handed Trowa the treat, his eyebrow raised just enough to share the joke with Trowa.

Trowa lifted his chin, effecting defiance. "This is lunch?"

Duo shrugged, taking a quick pull off the top of the fudgsicle. "Eh. Who cares? I actually wanna eat this, so..."

Duo walked out of the convenience store without looking at Trowa to see if he was following. They walked like that, Duo ahead and Trowa ambling behind, as if they were merely going in the same direction. Duo headed for the park, which was mostly empty, due to the weather. 

Trowa followed dutifully, not bothering to work at keeping up. He knew that Duo wouldn't get too far ahead.

They walked through the paths for a few minutes before Duo plopped down on a bench randomly. Trowa sat down next to him, but he was concentrating on his fudgsicle. It was melting, the drips of chocolate threatening to fall on his fingers. This was definitely unacceptable. Trowa monitored the situation carefully, and dealt with any aggressive drips with impunity.

"We have therapy this afternoon, right?"

The question seemed to fall in the category of small talk, so Trowa felt no urge to respond. He made a preemptive strike against the fudgsicle, licking up the side quickly. He decided that he didn't much care for foods that required him to stick his tongue out.

"I don't think we should tell him about us."

The statement hung out there, and Trowa kept up his campaign against the fudgsicle as he weighed each word individually with care.

"Why?"

Duo shuddered, his slim shoulders shaking as his head turned away. "It's just... none of his damn business. He's such a pervert anyway. After I told him about Heero, he just wanted to talk about all the details... At first, I thought he was just, you know, being all psychiatrist-y, but he really just wanted to know about the actual sex part. That's when I realized he was jonesing on it. I just..."

Trowa watched as Duo pulled his legs up under him, the line of his neck temptingly displayed as Duo hid his face. Trowa considered it. He wasn't sure if there might not be something else motivating Duo, but the truth was, the other man had a good point.

Trowa nodded, and even though Duo was looking away, he seemed to understand that Trowa had agreed, because he seemed to relax a bit. 

"Anyway, I don't think we need any help." Duo looked at Trowa from the corner of his eye as he sucked on his fudgsicle. Trowa's eyebrows raised as he realized how dirty Duo made it look. "I think we got all the mechanics down just fine."

Trowa swallowed a piece of the top of the fudgsicle before he'd even realized that he'd taken a bite. 

Duo's grin widened. "I was really impressed last night. You are... very talented."

Trowa beamed quietly as he went back to his campaign against the fudgsicle. 

"I have talents, too." Duo spoke nonchalantly, looking straight ahead, but his whole manner was teasing.

Trowa turned his head to look at Duo more directly, intrigued. 

Duo smiled. He started to lick the fudgsicle with long, full-tongue motions, slowly enjoying the treat. When he had Trowa's complete attention focused on his mouth, Duo smirked before slipping the fudgsicle between his lips, pulling back and forth, pushing in further and further until he was thrusting the whole fudgsicle in and out of his mouth.

Then he sucked the whole thing in, his cheeks moving in and out violently. He kept the fudgsicle in his mouth for a long time, long enough for Trowa to start squirming.

When he finally pulled the stick out of his mouth, it was completely clean, without the slightest trace of chocolate.

Trowa's eyes widened, and he looked back at Duo, grinning like a Cheshire cat with his mouth clearly full. With an exaggerated effort, Duo threw back his head and swallowed hard, his throat working hard to take it all down at once.

Trowa couldn't keep his mouth completely closed, it seemed. Duo smirked as he licked his mouth clean, watching Trowa floundering.

Blinking innocently, Duo smiled, and pointed at Trowa's hand. "Want some help with that?"

Trowa blinked, and looked dumbly down at his hand. His own partially eaten fudgsicle was melting over his fingers. Still, even knowing what Duo was talking about, Trowa wasn't able to figure out how to speak in response.

Duo sighed, and leaned down. He licked Trowa's still fingers slowly, working his way up until he was licking Trowa's fudgsicle, taking soft bites out of the remains.

Trowa watched Duo service his fudgsicle, sitting stock-still as if he were carved from stone. 

Not all of him, of course...

When Duo sat up, after slurping up the last of Trowa's treat with satisfaction, it was only the inertia that had taken a hold of him that prevented him from attacking Duo's mouth in response. Tossing the cleaned off fudgsicle stick with disgust, Trowa crossed his arms over his chest.

"You _would_ do that when we're in a public park." Trowa had tried to sound cross, but he was content that at least he didn't come off as whining.

Duo wiggled his eyebrows. "Ya wanna go someplace private?"

Trowa didn't bother thinking about it for any length of time. He just got up and took Duo's wrist, heading off down the most direct path that would lead to a bus stop.

Duo laughed, needing to run a bit to keep up. "Trowa, our lunch break is almost over!"

Trowa grunted. 

Duo kept laughing all the way through the park, only managing to bring himself under control as they were just about to get to the bus stop. Trowa did not let go of his wrist, though, because he found the contact soothing to his desire.

The next bus came only after a few minutes, which Trowa took to be a sign that he was due really good oral sex. He certainly thought so, so he wasn't about to argue with fate.

The elevator in his building had a nasty habit of making a great deal of noise as it moved up the shaft. It was somewhat irritating, and Trowa always pictured the schematics of the elevator when he was riding up, thinking about the various potential failures in the maintenance that would cause such noise. It was the sort of irritation that was enjoyable, as it was distracting.

Today, the elevator slid up smoothly, without making the slightest groan or screech of metal against metal, which Trowa thought was odd, although it could have just been that he couldn't hear it over the sounds he was making as Duo fondled his cock.

They made it inside Trowa's apartment, although Duo spent a bit more time fishing through Trowa's pocket that was likely entirely necessary getting the keys. Trowa was not prepared to take another step before he got the oral sex.

He stopped short, grabbing Duo's wrist, letting it slide through his grip so that he was just touching Duo's fingers before Duo turned. He leaned so that his shoulders were flush against the door, and he unbuttoned his pants. 

"Please." Trowa didn't beg, and from the gleam in Duo's eyes, he didn't think that he had to.

Duo got to his knees as a penitent man drops to his knees before an altar. He put his hands on Trowa's hips, and looked up at Trowa, slowly resting his chin on Trowa's stomach. "Open your shirt."

Trowa threw his tie over his shoulder, and undid the buttons as quickly as he could. Duo watched him, his chin on Trowa's stomach, and his eyes wide open and unblinking. When Trowa's clothes were completely open, he let his arms fall to his sides, and he looked down at Duo, expectantly. 

Duo smiled, just a little in the corners of his mouth, and then he pressed his lips to Trowa's stomach, just above his belly button. His hands pushed Trowa's pants down a little, but he left Trowa's boxers in place for the moment. His tongue slipped out, and traced the muscles of Trowa's abdomen slowly, before circling in to dip into Trowa's belly button.

Trowa reached over, and let his fingertips touch Duo's head, slipping into his thick hair. He did not try to guide or motivate Duo, just let his hands rest there. Duo moved his head down, and breathed over Trowa's hard, but still covered, cock. Trowa heaved, the effort of breathing almost painful, and he bit his lip, to keep from pleading.

Duo showed mercy. He pulled the boxers down, and set his mouth to work on Trowa's cock. He used long licks and short sucks at first, before he started to take it into his mouth in earnest. Trowa was only partially aware of Duo's hands, caressing his balls and inner thighs, as his entire being was solely focused on the mouth that had so successfully brought the fudgsicles to the end of their existences. 

Duo shifted, getting more serious about his task, and he wrapped one hand around the base of Trowa's cock. He started to take it into his mouth, sucking hard on the tip as he began, so that Trowa threw his head back and banged it on the door. 

Duo twisted the hand that was holding the bottom of Trowa's cock, slowly encompassing more and more of Trowa's length, sucking hard all the time, so that the sound of the air passing through his nose as he adjusted his breathing was deafening. Duo's lips reached his hand, and Trowa wasn't sure that he would be able to take in any more. Trowa was not overly proud of his length, but no one had ever deep throated him quite this fully before.

But Duo was determined, and he was very effective when determined. It seemed to happen very quickly, as Duo stretched out his throat, opening up, and sucking Trowa's cock in. Trowa wasn't sure what kind of noise he made, nor was he in control of the fingers that were digging into Duo's scalp, but he was pretty sure his feelings at the moment were being appropriately expressed. 

At least, Duo was definitely getting the message. The suction was so great, and the heat, the moisture, everything, surrounding and enclosing Trowa, like he was trapped in a cave, like the pleasure was chains binding his whole body, and he felt utterly helpless, totally at the mercy of this heat and pressure...

Trowa did not like the moment that came right after an orgasm. There was a sense of vertigo that seemed cold. He swallowed hard, and stared at the ceiling, feeling fundamentally at a loss.

Duo let Trowa's softening cock slip out of his mouth, until the very tip slipped out with a smacking noise. Duo licked his lips, and leaned forward to kiss the base of Trowa's cock. "You taste a little like honey, Tro. Did you know that?"

Trowa smiled, his eyes fixed on the texture of the paint of the ceiling.

"Better than chocolate eight days a week." Duo sounded very sure, so Trowa believed him.

Trowa regained control of his hands, and he stroked Duo's head tenderly. "Thanks."

Duo grinned up at him. "I came on your door. I hope that's not a problem."

Trowa shrugged, and then slipped down, his back against the door and his feet holding their position on the ground, until his ass touched the floor. He caressed Duo's face and ears, his expression still a bit dazed. "Thanks."

Duo raised an eyebrow. "You said that."

Trowa leaned forward and kissed Duo, pressing his tongue as far into Duo's mouth as he could get. He could almost taste the lingering presence of a touch of honey.

Duo groaned, putting his head on Trowa's shoulder. "We have to go to therapy."

Trowa didn't nod, as he was sure that Duo knew he knew anyway. They didn't move right away, their bodies still limp. Trowa ran his hand down Duo's braid. "I think we need to clean up a little first."

Duo chuckled, the sound emanating from the bottom of his chest. "Ya think?"

Trowa simply nodded solemnly.

They were understandably late for therapy, though they offered no explanation. Duo put his head on Trowa's lap and stretched out over the rest of the couch. Trowa brushed his fingers over Duo's hair, playing with the loose tendrils around his ears as Dr. Clarkson droned on. He asked them about skipping the afternoon of work, and then barreled into many other questions that seemed oddly personal in nature.

Trowa felt in daze, though, and he barely acknowledged any of it. He spoke when it was required, and offered vague responses that were tersely abrupt. Duo spoke dreamily, acting as if he were perfectly content.

Dr. Clarkson looked at them both, and Trowa could see that he was superimposing what he knew of their skin over what he saw. It would normally have made Trowa feel uncomfortable, but in this circumstance, he merely felt annoyed. 

When the session finally came to an end, Dr. Clarkson seemed determined to give them a lecture, but Duo was so busy stretching out, as if he had just woken from a nap, that Trowa didn't really know what the doctor had said.

There did seem to be a sense of accomplishment that they got their forms without removing any clothing.

They ate at a Chinese fast food place, using chopsticks to eat the noodles. They sat in a booth by the bathrooms, and they didn't speak while they ordered or ate.

Trowa thought about putting his hand on Duo's waist, or taking his hand, as they walked. They went first to Duo's apartment, although Duo seemed uncomfortable there, as if he was sure they were going to be ambushed any minute. After he had thrown clothes and toiletries for a night in a bag, they walked to Trowa's apartment.

There was a message on Trowa's 'phone display, but he ignored it. They got undressed, and slipped into the bed. Duo put his head down on Trowa's chest, and fell asleep.

Trowa was groggily awake when Duo woke up hours later, but they still didn't speak. Duo placed gentle kisses on Trowa's chest, and Trowa wasn't sure if Duo knew he was awake or not.

When they left for work in the morning, Duo kissed Trowa for a long time right before he opened the door.

Trowa spent the whole day at work playing minesweeper, and thinking about Duo's mouth.

* * *

  


Catherine was far more excited about Trowa's newly expanded social life before she knew it was Duo he was seeing. This served to annoy Trowa so much that he hung up on her less than a minute later. He felt oddly out of place in his apartment, and he turned on both the tv and the radio in an attempt to fill his space with noise.

He had no desire to clean, nor did he wish to do anything productive or entertaining. He would have taken a walk, but he didn't want to leave the apartment. He thought about ordering food, but he was feeling dissociatively nauseous, so he didn't bother. He didn't want to sit, and he was tired of standing.

He went to the bathroom, and turned on the light. He stood in the threshold of the bathroom uncertainly. 

He did not want to cut himself. He did not want to see Duo's face when he saw the bandages. He did not want to clean up his own blood. 

At the same time, he did not know how to resist the lure of the pain.

He stared at the tile on the floor of the bathroom until his eyes could not focus, and the lines of the grout swam and blurred into the tile. He wanted to lie down for a while, and it seemed easiest to lie down on the ground where he was standing.

The tile was cool against his skin, and his thoughts got progressively darker, until he forced himself to think about the conversation with Duo, replaying every word exactly.

He had wanted Duo to come over. He had even thought of a movie they could watch together. They could order it on the streaming video, and they could watch together on the couch. It seemed like a very good plan.

Duo even seemed to want to do it. He just wanted to do it later, possibly tomorrow. 

He didn't say why he wanted to delay, and Trowa was not so foolish as he needed to ask. Duo kept talking, and Trowa wanted to hang up. Trowa wasn't angry or jealous or disappointed or upset. Not in his reaction. He was completely blank.

This seemed to make Duo agitated. Trowa derived some pleasure from that, though he was careful not to show it.

He spent an hour or more after the 'phone call watching the alley, but then Catherine called. She only called once, and when she tried again later, Trowa felt obligated to answer.

He did not like feeling obligated to Catherine. He did not owe her anything. She had saved his life once, but it wasn't something that he valued, so he did not consider that a debt.

He wished she had let him die in the war, when it would have meant something. It was as if she had single-handedly thwarted his destiny, and now he was adrift, trying to navigate without a destination to try and reach.

He closed his eyes, and counted to seven hundred and ninety six, and then he got up because his neck was aching.

He had told Duo to come over whenever he was ready, that they could watch the movie late if that was more convenient, but he knew that Duo wasn't going to show up to see the movie.

He pictured what Heero was going to do to Duo, was doing to him, and he sat down on the couch, staring straight ahead at his video shelf. 

Duo had been agitated when they had ended the conversation. Trowa had been uncooperative, and Duo had spent more time than he intended chattering nervously. When he did disconnect, he apologized for hanging up, but he was going to be late.

Trowa sighed, and put his head down on the armrest of the couch. It would have been nice to watch a movie with Duo.

He lost track of the time, and eventually he became aware that the apartment was in complete darkness. This did not bother him, so he felt no need to do anything about it. 

Duo knocked on the door at 3:27am. Trowa knew it was Duo just by the way he knocked - almost as if he were scratching the door. 

Trowa wasn't sure he wanted to answer the door, even as he was standing up to get it. There were too many reasons that Duo could be here at this time.

He opened the door carefully, standing in the space the door revealed. Duo was leaning against the jamb, looking utterly bedraggled. Trowa nodded at him, causing Duo to lift his eyes.

"Can I come in?" Trowa noticed that Duo was hiding half his face behind the jamb, making him look smaller and a bit innocent. 

He was fairly sure that it was intentional, but it didn't matter that much. He moved away from the door so that Duo could get past. Duo walked in with his head down and his arms over his stomach. His t-shirt was all rumpled and had a large food stain on the hem. He wasn't wearing his jacket, and Trowa wondered how long he had been outside his door; he must have been cold, but he wasn't shivering at all. His pants were zipped but not buttoned, and they hung down low enough to show off the top of his boxers. 

He looked small and tired and dirty and used.

"Mind if I use your shower?" Duo couldn't look at Trowa as he spoke, and he kept his eyes just the to the right of Trowa's feet. 

Trowa waved his arm in the direction of the bathroom, and Duo nodded, moving quickly to escape. Trowa watched him go, his eyes on the way Duo's braid hung limply over his back. For a second, Trowa just stood there and looked at the bathroom door. Duo would let down his hair to shower. Trowa could feel his limbs settle into a lethargic state, and he tried to motivate himself to move, but he just stood in the center of the small hallway, staring at the door to the bathroom, thinking about Duo's hair.

When the water started, he blinked. Duo was in his shower, washing his hair and his body. They were technically lovers; Trowa could be in the shower with Duo. But he knew somehow that he wouldn't be entirely welcome yet.

He wasn't even sure he should be using the word 'yet.'

He trudged into his bedroom, and pulled out a plain t-shirt and a pair of sweats, and a fresh towel. He opened the door to the bathroom just enough to slip them inside, and then he went to the kitchen, to make tea.

That was his intention, at least, but he realized that he had no tea, so he made chocolate milk instead. He swirled a knife in the tall glass for the duration of Duo's shower, switching from one glass to the other mechanically every nineteen swirls. 

The water stopped. Duo was now drying himself off, and his hair would be all wet, and covering his body. His body would be bright and flushed from the heat of the water, and from the scrubbing. If he knew Duo half as well as he thought he did, Duo would have scrubbed himself nearly raw.

He took the two glasses to the living room, leaving the milky knife on the counter, neglected. He placed them very precisely on the coffee table. The light from the kitchen illuminated the living room strangely, leaving elongated shadows to trail over the room. He found it atmospheric. He had never realized that the light from the kitchen would have this effect before.

Duo stepped out of the bathroom, and Trowa was hyper aware of the sound of his feet on the carpet. 

"Thanks for the clean clothes."

Trowa nodded, but he didn't turn his head to look at Duo, because he was a little nervous about what he might see. Duo stepped in front of him, and Trowa had to bit back a sigh of regret. "Does your hair dry in a braid?"

Duo shrugged with one shoulder, and in Trowa's larger t-shirt, he looked frail. "Doesn't matter. If I waited for my hair to dry, I'd be waiting a long time." Duo wrapped the towel around the braid squeezing it gently, making his way down to the bottom. He sat on the couch so that his back was to Trowa a little, his body shielding his face.

"I made chocolate milk."

Trowa could hear Duo's smile as he replied, "Thanks."

They sat a foot apart.

"You ok?" Trowa wasn't sure what to ask exactly, and he had no idea what Duo was thinking.

"Yeah."

Trowa nodded slowly. He picked up his glass, and just held it so he could feel the cold in all his fingers. "That's a nasty bruise."

Duo's hand reflexively went to his face, and he curled his body to try to hide his reaction. "Yeah."

Trowa nodded, and took a small sip of milk.

Duo picked up his glass in a flurry, and downed half of it at once. "Is it ok if I stay tonight? I didn't mean to... I mean, I don't want you to think..."

"It's ok." Trowa nodded, smiling a little, his eyes down. 

Duo nodded. He finished his milk, and then he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. It was such an unconscious, childlike gesture, Trowa found it amazingly endearing. 

"You need anything?" Trowa's tone was open enough so that his words could have meant almost anything. 

Duo tucked his legs under his body, his feet facing Trowa, and he kept his hand next to his feet, inches away from Trowa. "It's been a long night."

Trowa nodded once.

Duo frowned, and Trowa was a little surprised that Duo was being so incautious with his feelings. "Heero was mad that I was so late. He was talking shit, all mad and stuff, and I was annoyed with him... He said some shit about you, and I lost my temper. I told him..." Duo smirked a little, shaking his head in amusement. "I told him that it was nice to be fucked by a man for once, instead of scared little boy who couldn't let go of the past."

Trowa found himself laughing abruptly, and he turned to Duo a little to see the expression on his face.

"Heero didn't like that much." The tone of Duo's voice was enough to tell Trowa what had happened. 

Trowa reached out, and touched Duo's face gently, tracing the bruise lightly. Duo leaned a little in Trowa's direction, his body still blocking Trowa. 

"He was mad, and I kept provoking him. I tried to hit him back, fight him... but he's a lot stronger than I am. In the end... even when he was hurting me... I just kept provoking him, and letting him..." Duo closed his eyes, and tightened into a ball, until he rolled over, and put his head down on Trowa's thigh.

Trowa reacted normally. He put one hand on Duo's waist, and the other played with the hair around Duo's face. Duo adjusted himself until he was comfortable, and then he turned his head a little so he could see Trowa. 

"I got really mad at him, Tro, and I just couldn't let it go. He said things... and I knew he was just trying to get a rise out of me. He sure did." Duo put a hand under his face, on Trowa's thigh, and squeezed a little.

Trowa ran his hand down Duo's slick braid. He wasn't sure what to say. He was a little overwhelmed by the bubbling content feeling that was telling him that Duo came to _him_ to relax and decompress.

"It was like getting high." Duo closed his eyes, and shivered. "I mean, it didn't feel good, or anything like that, but it felt like... felt like... getting out of my skin."

Trowa understood that feeling all too well. It was the sickening freedom of opening flesh with metal. It was the head rush that came from watching your blood drip onto the tile floor. He shivered, and held Duo tighter.

"I was _consumed_ with anger." Duo spoke with detached wonder, like he was talking about something he read in a book. "I just wanted to _hurt_ him. I used to love him, you know. Kinda... scary, isn't it?"

"Yes," Trowa replied thickly. Much of what Duo was saying was scary.

"He called me a whore." Duo pressed his forehead against Trowa's thigh, and Trowa could feel his breath through the cloth of his pants. "Which isn't totally inaccurate, I guess."

Trowa shook his head at the bitterness in Duo's voice. "That's not true."

"I'm having sex with two men." Duo's eyes were wide and clear, gazing up at Trowa. "That's not exactly model behavior."

Trowa pulled a wet strand of hair from around Duo's ear through his fingers, winding it into a curl. He nodded slowly, letting the hand at Duo's waist touch the skin underneath the shirt he had given the other man. "You aren't promiscuous."

"Hm," Duo stretched and curled a little, encouraging Trowa's hands on his body. "I guess that's a question of perspective. I know what I should do." He bit his lip, his brow furrowing. "I know I shouldn't be with Heero anymore. But..." Duo swallowed. 

Trowa nodded. "I don't expect you to choose." He felt a little hoarse as he spoke, and his fingers dug into Duo's waist just a little. It was beginning to feel a little like a motto.

"See? You are too good for me, Tro." Duo's bitterness was palpable. "You shouldn't be saddled with me and my problems. You have your own problems."

"I like you." Trowa brushed his fingers up Duo's flank, imagining the thrills as Duo's skin became sensitized. "Your problems distract me from the critical boredom of my days."

Duo smiled. "As long as I can be entertaining..."

Trowa brushed his thumb over Duo's temple. "You are. Very."

Duo laughed quietly under his breath. "Well. Good, then." He rubbed his cheek against Trowa's thigh, and ran his hand over Trowa's knee. "He knows that I get pissed when he calls me a whore, though. He does it on purpose. And then I get even madder at him. It was like a... game. Or something."

"You guys play rough." Trowa ran his fingers through Duo's bangs, his fingers touching Duo's forehead almost reverently. 

"Yeah. Well, when we first met, I shot him. I guess we've always been going for broke." Duo turned to face Trowa. "Neither of us plays fair."

Trowa's hand ran over Duo's tummy, his forefinger tracing his bellybutton. 

"I used to know whores on L2. Growing up. Some of them were nice. They would give us kids money or food, if they were feeling generous. Usually when they were high. Others were meaner than pit bulls. They hated us, would beat us..."

Trowa kept his hands on Duo, the contact keeping both of them grounded as Duo reminisced.

"There was this one... She was only sixteen. She looked like she was thirty. She... She had a thing for Solo. He had to have been twelve at the time. But she would try to hang around him, try to get him to take her out... She hated me. I guess she thought I was competition, or something." 

Duo's voice got small and wistful, even as he spoke of bitter things. Trowa admired Duo's calm. 

"She called me Solo's slut. And she was mean. One day... she had me cornered in an alley. She was crazy, she wanted to know where Solo was. She wanted to know what things we did together. She was fucking nuts. She was convinced that Solo was fucking me. She... she tried to pull my clothes off. She wanted to know what Solo saw in me.

"I was only nine, about. I had no idea what her problem was."

Trowa leaned down, so he could hear Duo better, and so he could see Duo's face. Duo's eyes were a million miles away.

"She started to hit me, she said she was gonna find out why Solo liked me so much. I was scared... I tried to fight her, but she was bigger, and every time I hit her or clawed at her, she just got madder. She... she was like a rabid dog. 

"Solo and I never really separated much. I mean, we always worked the same areas. So, he musta heard me or something. Anyway. Next thing I knew, he was there, and he had a brick. He hit her across the face. For a minute, I thought he had killed her, there was blood and some teeth, and she was just lying on the ground. Solo was trying to drag me away, but I was still hurt and scared..."

Trowa ran his hand over Duo's neck, nodding as Duo spoke. Hearing about Duo's past made him think about his own, and he almost wanted to make Duo stop talking, just so he could stop thinking. But he wasn't about to interfere.

"The next thing I know, she's on her feet and spitting blood and screaming and screeching. And Solo is dragging me away, but we didn't get away fast enough, and her pimp showed up. He was this... really slimy guy, with oily hair, and just... he was skinny with yellow teeth and bad clothes. A pimp. 

"And this girl, she was screaming at him, about me, calling me names, telling the pimp that I screwed her up, and he should take care of me. Solo shoved me behind him, but...

"The pimp looked at her. He said, 'you're no good to me like this.' And she was all proud, and lookin' at me like she was gonna be dancing on my grave. The pimp pulled out a gun, and shot her in the face from three feet away.

"I screamed, and Solo grabbed me by the waist and dragged me away. We got back to the hole in the wall we lived in, and Solo held me. He was talkin' to me, telling me that he needed to look at my wounds... And I was cryin'. I had... I had never seen anyone die before, never seen anyone get shot before. And Solo... wiped my tears away. He told me that boys didn't cry, and anyway she was just a filthy whore. When she was gone, there'll be a dozen more to take her place. I wasn't supposed to get upset."

Trowa sighed silently, and ran his hand up and down Duo's braid.

Duo twisted a little so that he was on his back. "Have you ever cried Tro?"

Trowa brushed his fingers up and down Duo's face. "I cried when I first moved here. I was alone, and I missed Cathy. I missed the circus, and the animals. I hated the job, and all the conditions they were placing on my employment. I hated my life. And I cried."

Duo reached up and touched Trowa's cheek. "Why did you stay here?"

Trowa shrugged, looking at the wall. "Cathy was worried about me. She... she was the one who found me. In the bathroom, in my blood... both times, actually. After the first time, she was going to watch me. And then the second time... and I nearly died. She didn't know what to do. She thought this would be better for me, more stable, healthier. That the Preventers would take care of me, and people would be looking out for me..."

"And you'd be out of her hair, so she wouldn't be responsible anymore." Duo had his hand over Trowa's heart as he spoke, and the way he said the words, it was almost like he was saying something nice.

Trowa's head dipped down. "Yeah."

"Don't worry, Trowa." Duo smiled up at him. "I'll take care of you, now."

Trowa felt a smile spread over his face, a feeling so natural, he didn't even feel it. "Are you tired? Do you want to go to sleep?"

Duo shrugged. "I dunno. You going to bed?" He looked a little anxious, like he wasn't sure what he wanted Trowa to say.

Trowa ran his fingers over Duo's braid. "Let's go together. Get some sleep before work."

Duo nodded, and sat up slowly. 

The dawn was just creeping into the windows when the slipped under the covers.


	6. Chapter 6

Trowa leaned his head back, the top of his head digging into the arm of the couch. His back arched upwards, and his hands griped Duo's arms tighter. He sighed, a ragged noise that made his stomach quiver. Duo was nibbling on his neck, under his ear, his hands on Trowa's chest. Duo was looking for Trowa's 'spot.' They had discussed Trowa's 'spot' many times over the last week, and Duo had become zealous on the subject of finding it. Trowa pushed his feet against the end of the couch, shoving his groin up higher into Duo's.

Dr. Clarkson's couch was not nearly as comfortable as either Trowa's or Duo's, but it was a forgivable fault given that the only other option was to be talking about their abandonment issues with a doctor who was currently jacking off watching them dry hump.

Duo's mouth was hot and wet. Trowa felt a little like that heat was seeping into his skin, invigorating his flesh and shocking his nerves. Duo's braid had slipped over his shoulder and was swaying slowing, hanging over the edge of the couch. Trowa watched it with half-lidded eyes as Duo squeezed his nipples and sucked on his ear.

Sighing, Trowa placed his hand on the skin just above Duo's pants, slipping it down so that he could squeeze and grope Duo's ass. He grabbed as much of flesh he could, and held Duo still as he drove his hips up again, and again. Duo gasped, and Trowa knew the sound by heart. He felt like he lived for the sound.

Duo griped Trowa's shoulder and gritted his teeth. His eyes were closed tightly, and he wiggled his rear a little so that he could throw Trowa's leg over his hip. They continued to push and grind into each other, their bodies undulating against each other. Duo moaned, though he tried to bite back the sound so that it was trapped in the back of his throat. He bit Trowa's neck playfully, then whispered in Trowa's ear, "I'm gonna cream my pants..."

Trowa groaned, his head lolling back, exposing his neck to Duo's mouth and tongue.

The urgency had left when the timer rang, indicating the end of the session. Dr. Clarkson was sitting so that he was facing away from them, his pants open and his hand hidden.

Trowa was glad that Dr. Clarkson used his left hand. He was still able to sign the forms that Duo grabbed off of his desk with his right hand.

It took a long time to catch his breath. Trowa leaned against the back of the elevator, watching Duo play with the end of his braid. Trowa lowered his head as he smirked.

"You know," Trowa spoke softly, "I think it's very likely that Dr. Clarkson knows that we are lovers now."

Duo's eyes flicked to Trowa for a second, and then he burst out laughing.

The sound of Duo's laughter made Trowa's heart beat a little faster.

Duo kept laughing as the doors opened, needing Trowa's assistance to move. The sedate business people in the lobby collectively watched the strange pair of young men with a mixture of disdain and shock. Duo even needed help lighting his cigarette out on the sidewalk. 

Duo looked up at Trowa with wet, bright eyes. "You are really funny, Tro."

Trowa's back stiffened properly. "I know." He said it with enough disgust that it was obvious he thought more people should realize how funny he was.

That only made Duo laugh longer.

They walked to the bus stop together, Duo laughing and wiping tears out of his eyes as they walked. But when the bus came, it was so full of people that neither Duo nor Trowa made the slightest movement to get on. They walked to Duo's apartment because it was closer.

Trowa walked very close to Duo, his hand swaying at his side so that it brushed against Duo's ass periodically. If someone was walking by them without paying attention, they probably wouldn't have thought anything of it, but anyone watching them would have been very suspicious.

The very fact that overt homosexuality was still somewhat taboo on the rock made the whole walk all the more exciting. Trowa was looking forward to some very good sex when they got to Duo's apartment.

Leaning close to Duo's ear, Trowa spoke conversationally. "So. Did you cream your pants?"

Duo smiled teasingly. "Hm... only one way to know for sure, I think..."

Trowa felt the hairs on the back of his neck raise. He let his hand brush against Duo's back. "Oh, and how is that?"

Duo sighed dramatically, stretching his arms above his head. "Welllllll... I've always found the direct approach... _useful_."

Trowa lowered his eyes, biting the inside of his lip to keep from grinning. "It's a long way to your apartment."

Duo looked at Trowa over his shoulder with surprised delight. "Think we can find someplace... closer?"

Trowa scanned the street with discerning eyes. There were the usual assortment of shops and business offices, but he kept looking. They walked closely enough so that they could feel each other as they brushed against each other, and each step heightened the tension that was coiling in Trowa's belly.

Finally, he spotted his quarry about three blocks later.

"There." He put his hand on Duo's back, and directed him across the street.

Duo laughed when he realized where they were headed, but he dutifully did as he was directed. 

Trowa slid his credit card through, and after it had been processed, the door to the photo booth unlatched. Duo slipped in first, and Trowa followed, closing the door after them.

There wasn't much room in the booth. There was a small shelf that was supposed to be a seat facing a cheerful screen with directions on how the photos would be taken.

They ignored the screen. Duo leaned his shoulders against the side wall, and spread his arms out, giving Trowa full access. Trowa smirked, looking Duo up and down before he moved. It was a bit awkward, but he sat on the shelf, and put his hands on Duo's waist. He ran his finger across the top of Duo's jeans twice before he quickly unbuttoned them, sliding the zipper down slowly. 

There was a flash of light.

Trowa pushed Duo's jeans down a little and kissed Duo's lower belly. He hooked his fingers under the waistband of Duo's boxers and pulled them down, inch by inch, greeting the newly revealed flesh with his open mouth.

Another flash.

Trowa found Duo's half-hard cock and the crusty remains of Duo's earlier climax. He licked the palm of his hand, and then took Duo's cock into his mouth. He had been studying Duo's oral techniques with all due diligence ever since Duo's demonstration in the park, and he hoped to show Duo the fruits of his study. Meanwhile, he cupped Duo's balls in the palm of his hand, and brushed his thumb over the space between Duo's cock and balls.

Flash.

Duo groaned, biting his tongue as he arched his back, pushing his groin forward into Trowa's mouth. Trowa sucked hard, using his one hand to massage Duo's balls, and the other hand to tease Duo's hole.

Flash.

Duo came quickly, Trowa alternating between sucking on the tip of Duo's cock as if it were a baby bottle, and deep throating Duo, milking him. Trowa continued to lick and clean Duo as the aftershocks of the orgasm shook Duo's frame.

Flash.

"Wow," Duo heaved, his eyes glassy. "You get a lot of pictures for two credits."

Trowa nodded thoughtfully. It was true.

After Duo had rearranged his clothes, they slipped back out of the booth, collecting their pictures as they made their way back out onto the street. 

It took another twenty minutes to get to Duo's, mostly because neither of them felt much like walking quickly. It was chilly enough that they both huddled in their coats, especially after what they had just done, but it was twilight, and the waning light was dark and shadowy. Their encounter had left Trowa feeling very aware of his body, and he felt like he could actually feel every breath enter and leave his body. Each step seemed distinct, and Trowa felt inclined to stay out walking with Duo for a long, long time.

It was therefore almost a disappointment to get to Duo's building.

Duo got the door, smirking at Trowa over his shoulder as he made his way inside, trusting Trowa to follow. Duo stopped to get his mail, and suddenly, the space of five feet felt like a chasm to Trowa; he needed to be closer to Duo.

He put his hands on Duo's waist, and kissed the back of Duo's neck, pushing aside the braid with his nose. Duo's whole body shuddered with pleasure, and Trowa needed to press his chest against Duo's back so that he could feel the shiver all over.

"So," Trowa asked conversationally, "what do you want to do tonight?"

Duo must have been in a good mood, because he burst out laughing again. The sound pleased Trowa so much, he put his arms around Duo, bringing their bodies as close together as they could be, burying his face in the back of Duo's hair to breathe through the air through the filter of the thick, chestnut hair.

"Maxwell!" The voice was an unwelcome, unfamiliar intrusion, so Trowa held his position firmly. "I don't want no more trouble from you, now!" 

Trowa lifted his head from Duo's hair to glare at the squalid man standing by the side door in the lobby. 

The man shuffled from one slippered foot to the other, still glaring. "Hmph. You got _another_ man. You better not be running any damn business from that apartment, you little shit, or..."

Duo sighed, and turned to face the man. "Relax, _Jack_ , nothing's going on."

The man ran his hand through his greasy black hair. "Eh, you've been nothing but trouble since you first crossed that door, yeh disgusting little colony brat."

Trowa turned a little to face the man, keeping one arm on Duo's shoulder and the other at his side, his hand balled into a fist. His lips were deformed in a snarl as he seethed. The man's eyes went wide, and he took a half step backward. Trowa continued to hold his expression, even as he smirked internally. He could still be a good mercenary.

Duo closed his mailbox, and smiled at the man, making a kissing gesture. "Night, Jack."

They walked up the stairs together, Duo whistling a low tune off-key as they took each rickety step one at a time. Trowa watched Duo from the corner of his eye the whole time, trying to analyze how Duo was reacting to the man in the lobby. He expected Duo to say something. It wasn't usually difficult to get Duo to talk, but the other man seemed perfectly content to just whistle.

He wasn't particularly good at whistling.

Duo was unlocking the door to his apartment when Trowa decided to ask.

"What was that all about?"

"What?" Duo looked at Trowa as he opened the door in perfect puzzlement. "Oh, you mean in the lobby? Oh, that was just my landlord. He's a dick."

Trowa stepped inside of Duo's apartment, his hands in his pockets and his eyes straight ahead as if he hadn't just asked a question.

"It was just that... well, Heero was over yesterday." Suddenly, there were a million things Duo needed to do with his hands. "We were arguing... and the dumb ass fuck of a neighbor was bangin' on the wall... And I mean, the only way we could've really been bothering him is if he had his fuckin' ear pressed against the fuckin' wall anyway... But Heero was really pissed, and he threw a coupla things around..."

Trowa's eyes darted around, looking for clues of Heero's violence, but the apartment was in its usual state of organized disarray, so it was hard to distinguish potential rubble from intentional piles.

"Anyway, after a while, he kinda threw me to the ground... Well, then there was this pounding on the door and shit. The fuckin' neighbor had called the fuckin' cops on us." Duo shook his head, his eyes narrowed as they silently interrogated the carpet. "So the cops are at the door, saying they're gonna bring the door down if we don't open up, and I've got my ankles up by my ears and Heero's in me..." Duo blushed, rubbing his hands over his arms in embarrassment.

Trowa looked down at the carpet in sympathy.

"Anyway. It was this big fucking mess. Heero didn't want to give the cops his id, since he's supposed to be Relena's fiancé, and shit, so there was all this screaming and yelling for damn near an hour... Well, finally the cops left, and there wasn't too much else to it, except my landlord is a dick and my neighbor is a fucking busybody ass." Duo shrugged, sighing quietly.

Trowa nodded patiently, his eyes still on the carpet.

Duo sighed. "Can I fix you something for dinner? Maybe some pasta?"

Shrugging, Trowa nodded minutely in assent.

Duo headed for the kitchen, seemingly glad to have something to do. Trowa stayed in the living room, picking through Duo's cds with dissatisfaction. He felt an anticipatory anxiety straining his nerves, and he wanted to unwind. Images of Duo, his back on the floor and his legs in the air, being assaulted by Heero crossed over his vision like a wave through a field of grain.

There was so much violence and anger in Duo's life, and it caused Trowa to be even more lethargic than was his wont. The burning pressure of desire that had consumed him in the doctor's office and in the photo booth had dissipated, giving way to the searing, lasting heat of the embers. 

It was now immediately urgent that he had his hands on Duo's skin.

He quickly checked to be sure that all the locks and the safety bolt on the door were securely locked, and then he progressed into the kitchen. He stood in the doorway, watching Duo for a moment, taking stock of the other man's movements, waiting for the right moment to move in.

Trowa slipped off his shirt, leaving it on the floor where he had stood and he went to stand behind Duo as he stirred the sauce.

Duo was using a store-bought sauce, and adding some spices and fresh vegetables that he had already cut up. The water for the spaghetti was boiling away, and as Duo stirred, he watched the spaghetti pot, making sure it didn't boil over.

Trowa leaned in, placing his lips on Duo's neck gently, giving Duo a moment to shudder before putting his hands on Duo's body. At first, he just let his hands touch Duo's hips, but then he slipped one hand over to Duo's groin, cupping Duo carefully.

"You've already come twice, haven't you." Trowa placed another kiss on Duo's neck, this time opening his mouth a little as he kissed Duo's flesh.

Duo leaned back, inhaling loudly. "Hm... that's true... I have..."

Trowa's other hand came around Duo's front as well, sliding up under Duo's shirt to rub Duo's chest. Whispering right into Duo's ear, "I bet I can get you to come again."

Duo let the spoon sit in the sauce, and his arms drifted back to touch Trowa's flanks. "What would you bet me?"

Trowa smirked against Duo's skin. "What do you want?"

Duo laughed, low in his chest, and rubbed his ass against Trowa's cock. "Mm, I think what I want is back here somewhere... Oh, yes, there it is..."

Trowa groaned as Duo ground his ass against his cock, his braid moving up and down Trowa's chest like a rope. "I think the spaghetti is ready."

Duo laughed again, and Trowa could feel the reverberations from Duo's back against his chest. "Yeah, ok."

Duo poured the water with the spaghetti out into the colander, which was waiting in the sink. He then dumped the pasta into a large plastic bowl, and poured the sauce in with it. He took the bowl to the table, pushing Trowa back, and guiding him to sit down. He then dumped large piles of Parmesan cheese from the tube on top of the spaghetti.

He pulled off his shirt, and straddled Trowa, sitting facing him in his lap. He pulled the bowl of pasta next to them and caught Trowa's eye with a smirk.

Duo put his hand up next to his face, the fingers spread out just a little so they weren't touching each other. Duo continued to smirk as he deliberately stuck his hand in the bowl of pasta, mixing the sauce and cheese into the spaghetti. If it was hot, Duo didn't show any reaction, his eyes fixed on Trowa's the whole time.

When the spaghetti was sufficiently mixed, Duo pulled out a few strands of spaghetti, held between two fingers. He tilted his head back, and opened his mouth wide, raising and then lowering the pasta into his mouth.

Trowa ran his hands up and down Duo's skin, a smile playing with his lips as he waited for Duo to swallow.

Then, it was Trowa's turn. He obediently opened his mouth for Duo and swallowed the spaghetti in the same way that Duo had. He could not take the waiting anymore, and so he pulled Duo's face down for a quick kiss. He would have feasted on Duo's mouth, but Duo apparently wanted him to have a decent meal before satisfying his hunger.

They ate several handfuls of the pasta before Duo gave in to Trowa's insistence, and the spaghetti was forgotten as they consumed each other. The plastic bowl, still half-full, splattered to the floor as Trowa pushed Duo up onto the table. Duo tugged at Trowa's pants from underneath Trowa, their mouths occupied with the task of tasting each other with fervent discrimination.

Trowa pulled out the condom and small tube of lube from Duo's pocket before he divested Duo of his pants. When he had his prey perfectly bare, he took his time with properly sampling all the various offerings of the banquet Duo had spread out for him. He found the spot on Duo's neck that made the other man's skin quiver, and he took small bites from Duo's nipples. 

They were gasping and groaning, enough to give Duo's neighbor a painfully hard erection were he listening in tonight as well, and Trowa had no thought to delay any longer. Duo was as hard as iron under him, and Trowa rolled the condom over Duo's cock easily.

Duo prepared Trowa quickly and completely, and then Trowa speared himself on Duo, rolling his hips as he moved up and down with swift movements, until he had Duo completely encased. They panted and growled as Trowa started to move again, Duo groaning and leveraging himself against the hard surface of the table to push up into Trowa.

It never lasted long enough.

Trowa pulled up, letting Duo fall out of him, and then collapsed on top of Duo. Duo's hand came up and ran up and down Trowa's spine in a comforting gesture. They stayed as they were until they were cold enough and stiff enough to necessitate movement.

They showered together, Duo's hair still in a braid. They mostly just ran their hands over each other's bodies, lathering up their hands with soap before they rubbed with long strokes down each other's skin. The water was cold by the time they had washed each other the sixth time, but it was then that they started to react to each other's ministrations, and they kissed deeply as their hands worked to bring them off again.

Duo didn't even bother to dry off before falling into bed, and as long as Duo was already getting the bed wet, Trowa decided it didn't matter if he did, too. He put his head down on Duo's stomach, and traced lines from Duo's belly button down to his hipbone. 

When Duo asked about his childhood, it was such a dissociated question, as if the words had just floated down from the colonies, and Trowa felt nothing when he heard them.

He spoke, the side of his mouth against the smooth, taut skin of Duo's abdomen. He said things that he had never even consciously thought about before, and put an order to things that he had never examined. He would speak for several minutes in a row, and then lapse into silence for moment, but Duo never interrupted him. The only reason that Trowa knew that Duo was still awake was because of the movement of Duo's belly as he breathed, sometimes faster when Trowa spoke of something painful, and because of Duo's fingernails running through his hair.

When Trowa lapsed into a final silence, he felt as if he were not connected to what he had been talking about. He felt as if they were just words, and they had no meaning in the context of his existence. You could not frame experience and pain and sorrow and emptiness with shallow things fixed by definition. Trowa's eyes were open and clear as he stared out at Duo's room over Duo's skin, and felt like he was not really in that room with Duo, touching him.

Duo sat up, and drew Trowa to sit up with him. Duo's hands came out to hold Trowa's face, and Trowa found that he did not want to be looking into Duo's eyes.

Duo's eyes were so beautiful and deep, and Duo seemed to be like a vortex, pulling Trowa in with the power of his blank, unblinking gaze. 

Duo leaned in, and kissed Trowa's lips reverently. Trowa's mouth did not move. He remained utterly motionless, allowing the touch, the only reaction the fluttering shut of his eyes.

He did not see as Duo moved to kiss the line of his cheekbone, or the crest of his brow. He did not see Duo move closer to hold Trowa, pressing their chests together, nor did he raise his arms to complete the circuit. He did not watch as Duo kissed his temple, and down his jaw, down his neck, and back up again on the other side.

He only opened his eyes as Duo moved away, slowly taking his hands off of Trowa's head as he put distance between them.

"You have no idea what you are to me."

There was more emotion in Duo's words than in Trowa's whole account.

They lay down together, on their sides facing each other, but it was hours before they fell asleep.

Trowa had Duo's braid in his fist as he closed his eyes and let dreams overtake him. He knew that Duo was still awake as Duo's hand was gently rubbing the back of his head, but he could no longer keep his eyes open.

When he did open his eyes again, he was still holding Duo's braid, and Duo was now asleep, the pale morning light defining their surrounding more starkly than necessary.

A dangerous swelling filled Trowa's chest, but he dutifully ignored it.

* * *

  


It was now too cold to eat in the park, though they kept trying to every day. Duo never seemed to think to wear a thick enough coat when he went out, preferring to bundle up in his trench coat as the weather got chillier.

He would look up at the sky with furrowed brows, and mutter about how the colonies never had this kind of biting wind. Trowa tried to watch him with clinical fascination, but unfortunately, the effort was not a total success.

They found plenty of out-of-the-way corners to eat their lunches, although they tended to consume more nourishment from each other than from their meals. It was this steady diet of sex that enabled Trowa to reach the point where he felt that he reasonably could expect to get laid regularly, as if it were his due.

So, when Duo had to work through his lunch, Trowa felt righteously indignant over the loss of a quickie.

It didn't help that Duo was working on the on-board computer of a covert land vehicle, and therefore was on the network all day.

The last thing Trowa needed in his horny misery was to get email notes every ten minutes with a suggestion of something they could try after work.

Duo was the child of Satan, Trowa decided, fidgeting uncomfortably in his office chair as he reorganized his email so as to infuriate any tech person who might have some reason to look at his email. This decision was reinforced when Duo realized that he could take small pictures with one of the tools he was using to fix the computer.

Trowa was right in the middle of trying to decide whether a picture of Duo's left nipple belonged in his "Unofficial office nonpolicy" folder or his "Regulation of nonoffice sanctions" folder when his boss peeked around the corner of his cubical.

"Trowa? I was hoping I could have a word?"

Trowa minimized his email program without even looking at the screen, his heart pounding a little from nearly being caught. He reluctantly stood up, hitting the keystrokes that would start his screensaver as he did. At least if anyone wanted to snoop on his computer, they would need to have his password.

Duo's nipple was safe.

Trowa's boss walked to his office through a circuitous route around the office cubicles that was either a product of his insanity or because he wanted to parade Trowa around. Either way, Trowa was bored, and he wanted to get back to reading dirty messages from Duo.

When they got to the office, his boss went straight to his computer, checking his email and his voice mail at the same time. Trowa stood impassively in the doorway to the office, eyeing the plaque commemorating his boss' excellence in the field of something made up with disdain. The office could not even properly be called an office; it was simply a slightly larger cubical whose walls went all the way up to the ceiling, and had a door. The desk was a shelf that ran around the border of the office's far wall, and there was a round table behind where his boss sat at his desk, and a large dry erase board with scribbles in various colors, decorated with various acronyms, which would only have made sense to the criminally insane.

"Sit down. Close the door behind you." His boss pulled out a red file folder from the stack on his desk, and he turned his chair to sit at the round table.

Trowa repressed a sigh with some effort which he was sure would not be appreciated, and he did as he was instructed. He sat at the table with his feet flat on the floor and his hands at his side.

His boss opened the file folder and rummaged through the papers, keeping his eyes down and his hands busy. "Trowa... Trowa, how long have you worked here? It's been about two years, right? ...No, it's been eighteen months. You came to us highly recommended. Commander Une herself placed you here. Do you feel you fit in here, Trowa?"

Trowa blinked. He had no idea at all what his boss was getting at. "Yes."

Trowa's boss blinked several times, and then he looked down at his papers again. "Yes, well... I see that you have been written up six times. Six times. Six times in eighteen months. Does that seem proportionate to you?"

Trowa had no idea what was proportionate. He supposed that if your boss didn't have the slightest clue how to do his job and wanted to blame someone who did, then getting written up only six times might be considered an accomplishment.

"I just can't help feeling like you don't really _want_ to belong here."

Trowa was certain that he didn't. He was also certain that anyone who did want to belong was under the influence of the kind of drugs that no one enjoyed being on.

"It's your attitude, Trowa. You have an air about you... Do you know what I mean? Do you know what your attitude tells me?"

With any luck, his attitude was telling his boss that he was an ex-mercenary and that dicking around with him like this was a stupid thing to do.

"Your attitude tells me that you think you are above this work. And that is truly distressing, because you know that nothing in the Preventers organization could get done without what we do. We _facilitate_ the processes that make justice and peace possible. Do you know how important peace is, Trowa?"

Trowa narrowed his eyes. He had fought and nearly died for this peace. He had killed for this peace. If this fat-assed piece of shit moron thought he was going to sit and be lectured about peace, then he was going to have to lower his estimation of his boss' intelligence even further.

"Peace is what all right-minded people want out of life. Isn't that what you want out of life, Trowa? I mean, I'm sure you discuss this with... er, with your mental health professional, but I think we can both agree that peace is the best goal anyone can work toward."

Trowa straightened himself up in his chair. "Peace isn't a goal."

His boss had to bite off what he was going to say next to respond. Sputtering, he stared at Trowa. "What?"

"Peace isn't a goal," Trowa reiterated, calmly.

"Of course it is! What do you think the wars were about?" His boss narrowed his eyes and stared at Trowa as if he were examining something on his carpet that may or may not have been a bug.

"The people of Earth, represented by Oz, were fighting for dominion of resources in the colonies. We were fighting for self-determination. The goal I fought for was the elimination of Oz. Peace was a by-product." Trowa spoke calmly and determinedly, his arms crossed over his chest casually. He stared directly into his boss' eyes. He didn't feel any need to emphasize his role in the war relative to his boss'.

Mouth opening and closing like a fish, his boss stared at him, unable to meet Trowa's gaze entirely. "But... What... Do you think you deserve preferential treatment for the... for what... for your role in the...?"

Trowa was immensely bored. "Of course not."

"But you think you are above regulations!" His boss accused, even pointing a finger at Trowa.

"No."

"But you come here with an attitude, act superior to your co-workers, and flagrantly ignore regulations and standards!" His boss was actually sweating. If the room wasn't so small and close, it might have been humorous.

"Everyone has an attitude. It's impossible to go anywhere without one. I don't act superior to anyone. And I follow regulations and standards." Trowa wished right then that he had died in the war more than anything, and he wished that when he had died, that this fat little man had been standing under his Gundam, and that the last thing that he had seen in the world would have been the blood spurting as his boss went splat under Heavyarms.

Slapping a pink form on the table in front of Trowa, his boss accused triumphantly, "You've been told repeatedly that you need three authorizations for any non-compliance remediation action, and you've even been written up once for it, but _again_ we're behind on our NCRAs because of your negligence!"

Trowa leaned over the form idly. "I do have three signatures."

"You have a technical legal representative and a quality advisor, but you also need a process manager's signature." His boss leaned back in the chair with obvious satisfaction.

Trowa frowned. "You signed it. Here. I left it on your desk a week ago. I don't think you signed it in the right place, though. Isn't it supposed to be over here?"

His boss blinked, and then turned bright red.

By the time Trowa got back to his desk, he had seventeen messages from Duo. He didn't bother to open any of them. He just replied to the most recent one.

To: Duo.Maxwell@Preventers.org  
From: Trowa.Barton@Preventers.org  
Subject: re: Missed lunch

We both missed lunch. I think we should take a coffee break. Now. In the shower rooms near you.

Now.

* * *

  


Trowa was actually working. It wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. Except he was itching to get it done. There were too damn many forms to fill out, and he kept getting emails reminding him of his deadlines. He didn't _need_ to be reminded of his deadlines. He wasn't stupid, or deficient. He could keep track of them himself.

It wasn't a good day for Duo to visit, but Duo didn't ask before sitting down in Trowa's cube.

"God, this morning has fuckin' sucked!" Duo leaned back in the thin chair, pushing the plastic back with his shoulders so that his head was almost touching the cubical wall. "I just cannot believe how fucking stupid people are!"

Trowa eyed the open documents he had on his computer, the forms covering his desk, and the stacks of standard procedure manuals on the floor. "Yeah?" He didn't want to be rude, but he had work to do, and he wasn't sure he had time for Duo right then.

"I got fucking _evicted_. Fucking landlord went and fucking _evicted_ me!" Duo glared at Trowa, his arms crossed over his chest. 

Trowa blinked, his hands nervously moving away from his keyboard.

"I got home this morning to change and shit, and my fucking door has this orange notice on it. So, I went to go talk to fuckin' Jack about it, and he wouldn't even open the fuckin' door to talk to me, he just yelled at me from behind his fuckin' door that I had to leave or he'd call the fuckin' cops on him. So I get to work late, didn't even have time for a fuckin' shower, and I have to go straight to legal. Fuckin' jackasses tell me that the eviction is perfectly legal, and I don't have any fuckin' recourse. So that's it. I'm fucked." Duo racked his hand through his bangs, and Trowa noticed that his hands were shaking a little.

Trowa shook his head in something that probably appeared to be disbelief.

"So then I go to the fuckin' relocation department, cuz I have to be out of my place by fuckin' Friday. They tell me that housing is tight right now, but they can get me a new place in about _four or five months_. In the meantime, they tell me, they can put me up in a _motel_. Not a hotel, mind you. Oh, no, not for the fuckin' junkie Gundam pilot, no, no, they can put me up in a _motel_. For _five fuckin' months!!_ " Duo's voice had risen to the point where, in combination with his language, he now officially constituted an office disturbance, but Trowa certainly couldn't care less about disturbing his lazy co-workers, so he didn't say anything.

He did think that Duo looked rather pretty with his cheeks pinked and his eyes blazing, but he thought that in the back part of his mind that wasn't in control of his reactions.

"I have three fuckin' days, no one will help me fight this shit, no one will help me find a place to move, and the best they can offer me is a fuckin' motel. Some fuckin' human resources department we got, huh?"

Trowa knew this was the point where he was supposed to speak, because Duo was glaring at him rather pointedly. "Why are you being evicted?"

Duo rolled his eyes, a dramatic motion completed by tossing his hands in the air. "Oh, some fuckin' nonsense about fuckin' breach of contract. My fuckin' nosy neighbor has called the cops on us somethin' like five times, so now that _legally_ makes me a disturbance to the building, and they can fuckin' _legally_ evict me. Bastards."

The word 'us' seemed to Trowa to loom rather largely in that sentence, so he let his eyes drift over Duo's shoulder, his expression blank.

"I don't know what they fuckin' expect me to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all my shit. I can't fuckin' afford to put myself up in a motel for five months, and pay for some storage place for my shit, too. I mean, I can unload a lot of it, but if I were getting another place, I would just need more shit. It's a fuckin' nuisance, man. And this kind of crap would never happen in the colonies, let me tell you. People mind their own shit in the colonies. You don't fuckin' call the cops on your neighbors unless they're killing each other, and you don't evict people and put 'em out on the street without givin' a fuck about what they're gonna do just because of a little noise. I'm hardly ever at home anyway! Fuckin' prick next door, let me tell ya, in the war, he wouldn't have lasted ten minutes with me, that's for damn sure..." 

Duo had worked himself up into such an impressive lather, it seemed a shame to disturb him by interjecting, but Trowa did have a lot of work to do, so he didn't want to postpone. "You could stay with me."

For a moment, Duo was just silent, still glaring at Trowa's recyclables bin. Then he seemed to drain away, all the rage and bitterness slipping away, washing off of him. When he was clean of all the bile, he turned his wide, guileless eyes to Trowa.

"I... I didn't come here to, you know, beg or fish for an offer or anything, you know?" Duo seemed actually meek, which was a strange look on him.

Trowa shrugged one shoulder. "I have plenty of room. I have a spare bedroom, even. For your stuff, or whatever."

Duo shifted in his chair, leaning forward. "Well, I mean... I mean, I appreciate that, I do, but, well, isn't that kind of a big step?" The uncertainty made Duo seem even paler.

Trowa leaned back in his chair, and he picked up a pencil to tap on his thigh. "I'm just suggesting an alternative. It's no big deal."

Duo rubbed his palms up and down his legs. "Well... If you don't mind... I guess it could be, I dunno, fate or something." Duo looked up at Trowa guiltily, hopeful.

Trowa attempted to smile. Sighing, he nodded briefly. "I think it would work out well."

Frankly, the idea appealed to him more and more with each passing second. Duo would live with him. They would sleep in the same bed every night, and eat together every morning and night. They would take the same bus to and from work, and they would go to therapy together and go home together. Duo would watch tv and listen to music, and make Trowa do things.

It was a good idea.

Duo smiled shyly. It was such an appealing expression, Trowa wished they had time for a coffee break. "Well... Tro, if you're sure... and you don't mind... Well, I think that would be, you know, the best thing that's happened to me all fuckin' day."

Now it was easy for Trowa to smile. Duo nodded to himself several times, and then he leaned forward quickly, kissing Trowa chastely on the lips. "Thanks, Tro. You're a lifesaver, you know?"

Trowa sighed, content.

"I gotta run. I called my boss, but I haven't even been there, yet. I'm gonna catch so much fuckin' hell for this... I'll prolly be working late, but I'll come by your place, then, and we can, you know, talk and stuff." Duo stood up awkwardly, fidgeting a little as he did. "Thanks, Tro."

Trowa nodded, putting his pencil back down on his desk.

Everyone avoided him all day at work, which made it possible to finish all his forms before the deadlines, despite the constant email reminders. 

All in all, he had to say, it was a good day.

* * *

  


Trowa washed down the countertops in his kitchen. He didn't have the slightest clue why he was doing this. He had been cleaning his apartment all day. Both he and Duo had taken the day off of work to move Duo in. They had been forced to tell Dr. Clarkson about their plan yesterday when he had mentioned that Duo had been evicted. Dr. Clarkson had been very interested in the idea of the two of them living together, and had asked far too many pointed questions about their sleeping arrangements.

Duo had been right. They never should have let him know that they were lovers.

After therapy, Trowa had wanted to help Duo pack, but Duo had been resistant, and eventually he explained to Trowa that he needed Heero's help to move, because he had to borrow Heero's car to take things to Goodwill and to get everything else over to Trowa's.

Trowa didn't sleep at all last night, and had cleaned the whole apartment in an attempt to prevent any possible thoughts about what Heero and Duo were doing on their last night in Duo's apartment.

He had wanted to be the one to give Duo's apartment a send-off.

Duo was supposed to be coming today to move in with all of his things, but it was already past noon, and Trowa hadn't heard from Duo yet. He should be worried, knowing that Duo was with Heero.

Instead, he contemplated cutting. Since it would be much harder after Duo moved in, anyway.

He had finished in the kitchen, several times, and was standing in the hallway that lead to the bathroom, when the door started to open. He had given Duo his key already, so he knew who it was.

He didn't move to go to the door. He waited to hear Duo's voice.

"Tro! Hey, Tro! C'mon, man, give me a hand, willya?"

Trowa moved sullenly, his feet feeling heavy. Duo was pushing the door open with his rump, while holding a large box and pushing another box with his feet. Trowa opened the door for Duo, watching with curiosity as Duo managed to shove and carry three large boxes in with him. 

Duo grinned at Trowa. "Honey, I'm home."

Trowa shook his head, trying to feign amusement. Duo looked haggard, from the puffiness of his eyes to the way his braid look frayed. His exhaustion spilled out of every pore on his flesh. Trowa felt like he should want to comfort and soothe Duo, but he couldn't work up to that reaction. He was still worn out from cleaning all night and being bitter.

He just wanted the moving to be done.

"I got rid of most of the furniture last night, but I have some shelves and things like that. I figured I didn't need a bed or a couch. Heero got a truck from Relena's convoy, and we got most of the stuff here. Heero's down with the truck. Let's just shove this junk in and get it all up here. I'm already sick to death of moving."

Trowa couldn't agree more. He didn't really want to go down and work with Heero to get Duo's things, but he didn't really have a choice.

Heero was indeed in front of his building, in the back of a small truck looking utterly disgusted. Heero was wearing tight jeans and a t-shirt that could have been painted on, with the sleeves rolled up. His hair looked slick and styled, and Trowa had the definite impression that Heero was the only one of the three of them to get any sleep last night.

Heero shoved boxes and crates and shelves at them, but he made no move to get out of the truck, nor did he attempt to communicate with either of them. Duo and Trowa made six trips up to Trowa's apartment, and each time they filled the elevator to capacity. Trowa's apartment was beginning to look very crowded.

When Heero was tossing the last box at Duo, he grunted and muttered something. Heero jumped out of the truck, pulling the door shut as he went, and got in the cab. Duo caught up with Trowa and headed to the elevator again.

Sighing, Duo hit the button for their floor. "Heero's gone to get rid of the truck, and then he's gonna get some shit from his place that's mine. And that'll be all of it. Damn, this moving shit is a pain in the ass. Fuckin' eviction..."

Trowa digested the information carefully, painfully aware of a drop of sweat working its way down his temple. He hated sweating. It was dirty. The only thing that could make sweating worthwhile was exhilaration, and there was none of that in moving boxes and such from one place to another.

"Did you have lunch?"

Duo was looking at him, and Trowa was reminded why he had thought this was such a good idea. Duo's eyes were so expressive and clear. Trowa thought about the question. "No." He hadn't even had breakfast. Or dinner last night.

Duo nodded, weary. "Yeah, me neither. Let's order something. Delivery. I want food to come to the door."

Trowa agreed silently.

They pushed the boxes out of the way while they waited for the pizza to come to the door. Mostly, they just shoved everything into the empty spare bedroom, to be sorted another day. Trowa had not known what to do with the spare bedroom when he had first occupied the apartment, so the only furnishings were a futon and a small end table, with a lamp on it. Duo's things filled up the room quickly.

Duo had also brought a small chest of draws for his clothes, which fit nicely into a corner of Trowa's bedroom... which was now Trowa and Duo's bedroom. 

They didn't bother unpacking Duo's clothes. They had done enough.

Trowa sat down on the couch and allowed Duo to lie down, Duo's head in Trowa's lap and his feet over the edge of the couch. Duo fidgeted and stretched, getting comfortable. Trowa found his fingers slipping into Duo's hair, very much against his will.

It wasn't fair of Duo to be so attractive and desirable,

When the buzzer for the door rang, neither moved. Trowa remained motionless until Duo sighed and got up, moving like an eighty-seven year old man. He fumbled for a minute, trying to find the right button to answer the call on the unfamiliar panel. "It's about damn time, we're starving."

"Just buzz me in, already." Heero's nasal grunt sounded more annoyed than normal.

Duo sighed, and leaned on the buzzer for far longer than necessary. He turned, a bit ashamed, to face Trowa, though his eyes stayed down on the carpet. "He's just gonna drop off some stuff, some cds and shit like that. Shouldn't take more than a minute."

Trowa didn't respond, or move to get up until the knock on the door heralded Heero's entrance. He stood up slowly and went to the door deliberately, getting there before Duo could stop him.

Trowa held the door open enough to see that it was, in fact, Heero standing there. He did not open it any further right away, just taking a moment to look Heero over.

Heero sneered at Trowa, and pushed his way past.

"Good, that's the last of it, then," Duo nervously stepped forward, trying to stand in between Heero and Trowa, but not managing it perfectly, "I'll take that and..."

Heero dropped the box intentionally. The sound of cracking and breaking shook Duo, sending him reeling back. 

"So," Heero nearly growled, looking at everything but Duo and Trowa, "this is where you live. Small. Don't the Preventers pay you better than this?"

Trowa shrugged, noncommittally. "I spend most of my money on classic pornography. I think of it as an investment."

Duo couldn't help laughing out loud at that, which earned him a hateful glare from Heero. He turned away from Heero and kept chuckling to himself.

Heero grunted. "I guess that's it, then." His words were rather pointedly directed at Duo.

Duo kept his back to Heero, but he stopped laughing. "Yeah."

Heero crossed his arms over his chest and cast disdainful eyes over Trowa. "You are a fool. After everything I've done for you today, you should get me a drink."

Duo's back stiffened, and then he went quickly to the kitchen. 

Trowa leaned against the wall next to the door, and lowered his chin so that he could glare at Heero from the relative privacy granted by his bangs. 

Heero didn't look at Trowa at all, but he did speak to him, in a low rumble. "He'll come back to me, you know. You're just a diversion. He is mine."

"He's not a possession, Heero." Trowa responded in the same low voice, not wanting Duo to hear their conversation either.

Heero snorted, smiling viciously at Trowa. "Yes, he is. He is my possession. You can't give him what he needs, and you damn well know it."

Trowa didn't have time to respond, because Duo came back just then, shoving a pop can at Heero. "This is what we have. Now that you've politely broken all my stuff, why don't you go back and help Relena organize her nail polish?"

Heero opened the can with a grunt, and downed half of it right there. Trowa was pretty sure Heero was posing as he drank on purpose, but Duo wasn't even looking at him. 

Duo's eyes were fixed on his own shoes.

Heero left without any further discourse. Trowa closed the door rather firmly behind him.

Duo clearly wanted to make some sort of joke after Heero was gone, but he wasn't up for it, and anyway, the pizza guy buzzed just then.

Trowa paid for the pizza, but when he was done the transaction, Duo had already gone to the bedroom, laying flat on his back across the bed.

Sitting down next to Duo, Trowa allowed himself, for the first time, to appreciate the fact that he and Duo were now living together. 

"Hungry?"

"Tired," Duo responded, and he sounded it. 

Trowa nodded, and put his head down next to Duo's belly.

Trowa's hand drifted over to Duo's body, slipping under Duo's shirt, pushing the material up before spreading out over Duo's skin. He pushed himself a bit closer, and let his lips touch the bare skin of Duo's flank. He slowly opened Duo's pants, taking his time. 

Duo sighed, and arched his back a little in response to Trowa's ministrations.

Trowa pulled the zipper down, and let his hand push further down Duo's pants, running down the skin of Duo's leg, pushing Duo's pants down a little, drawing Duo's boxers down with the pants. He brought his hand back up, and tangled his index finger in the hair of Duo's crotch.

When Duo started to speak, his voice sounded foreign.

"I told him that it was over... that I couldn't see him anymore."

Trowa did not speak. He did not know what to say. He cupped his hand under Duo's balls, and fondled them gently. 

"I... I didn't know... I couldn't think... I couldn't live with you, and leave to go be with him, so I told him..."

Trowa knew that he needed to say something, but he didn't have anything to say. Instead, he lifted his head and put his mouth on Duo's cock. 

Duo moaned, and writhed on the bed. 

Duo's cock grew big, and the vein running up its length pulsed with heat. Trowa slipped his lips over the head, and let his tongue and his mouth speak for him.

Duo groaned in response, and his limbs spread out over the bed haphazardly.

Trowa consumed Duo, taking long, pleasurable moments to express his feelings over what Duo had told him. He hummed his contentment down Duo's length, and Duo screamed for him in reply.

They ate the cold pizza on their bed naked, and stayed in bed, entangled in each other, long into Saturday. 

Trowa did not think about what Heero had said, even though he knew that what Heero had provided for Duo was not something he was prepared to supply. He did not think about it every minute of the day, all weekend long.

On Monday, the box that Heero had dropped was still exactly where it had landed when they left for work together.

* * *

  


The music was turned all the way up again. Trowa lived in a corner apartment, and the only neighbor who he shared a wall with was deaf. When Duo learned that, he went out of his way to be noisy as much as possible. Trowa didn't mind. Much. He liked Duo's taste in music. Mostly. 

Work had been long and brutal. There were constantly people who were supposed to be important coming in, calling meeting, and railing about deadlines. Trowa had a headache. 

He wanted to make love to Duo. 

It didn't seem like an unreasonable thing to want. Looking at Duo dancing in his boxers in the kitchen as he fussed over the stove, it seemed like a perfectly natural thing to want. Duo's braid swung back and forth as his head bobbed from one side to the other, and Trowa was immobile with desire.

He continued to watch Duo for several minutes. He cleared his throat a few times, but he didn't manage to get Duo's attention, and he could not form the words with his throat to jar Duo from his dance.

It was only when Duo landed after a particularly athletic turn and ended up facing him that Duo realized that Trowa was there.

"Tro!" Duo's smile was a bit wide as he jumped over to Trowa. "You're supposed to call out, 'honey, I'm home!' when you get in the door. Silly Tro." Duo leaned up on his toes to kiss Trowa teasingly in the corner of Trowa's mouth. 

Trowa bit back a sigh. Duo was still mostly lucid. He didn't know how Duo managed to drink as much as he did, but it wasn't something he was prepared to enter a conflict over. Duo was his own person; he would determine for himself how much he should drink.

Duo took Trowa's arm and dragged him into the kitchen. "I was makin' dinner. Do you ever get the urge to cook... just for no reason at all, just to cook? Anyway, I made potstickers. Well, I tried to... I dunno how well it worked. Here, test for me."

Duo picked up a set of chopsticks, and picked up a single item from the wok. He held it up for Trowa, cupping his other hand underneath. Trowa opened his mouth warily, but he didn't want to discourage Duo, so he tried to hide his unease by closing his eyes. Duo sighed softly, and placed the end of the potsticker in Trowa's mouth.

Trowa bit down, and just let the heat dissipate through his mouth before he began to chew. 

It wasn't an entirely unpleasant treat.

Trowa opened his eyes, and smiled softly at Duo, who beamed in response. Duo started to sing as he turned back to the wok, and Trowa's eyes fell on the half-empty tumbler of vodka next to the plate of done potstickers.

Trowa went back to the bedroom, and changed his clothes slowly. Duo would be done cooking by the time that he got out again, and they would eat. They would sit on the couch together, and Duo would make Trowa listen to some music or watch some movie or tv. Trowa would put his arm around Duo, and Duo would put his head on Trowa's shoulder. Later, they would have sex in the bed.

It hadn't taken them long to establish a rhythm. 

Trowa went directly to the living room, keeping his eyes straight ahead to avoid any eye contact that might encourage Duo to talk to him. Duo had rearranged the settings on his vidphone as soon as he could, setting up the caller id and message box. Trowa had never cared that much for either feature, as he only ever really heard from Quatre or Catherine. He certainly didn't encourage people at work to call him.

But Duo got more calls, irregularly, but with a high enough frequency to warrant the use of extras. Trowa did enjoy scrolling through the list of callers, just to see how few of them Duo actually bothered to return. It didn't surprise Trowa, for instance, that Duo faithfully returned all of Howard's calls as soon as he could, but rarely ever picked up, much less returned, Hilde's calls. 

Trowa was aware of some left over feelings on Duo's end for Hilde, but he couldn't identify what they were. Duo could be remarkably elusive when he wanted to be.

Frowning, Trowa stared at the caller id log. He called up the menu that showed outgoing calls. His frown deepened.

Duo came out of the kitchen, whistling and swaying his hips. It hadn't taken Trowa long to learn the various stages of Duo's drunkenness. Trowa wasn't sure if it was because Duo had left work early, or because he had had just been drinking hard, but Duo was about as drunk as he got right now.

Duo bumped into Trowa purposefully, grinning broadly. "I finished. Come sit down and I'll feed you dinner."

Trowa did not resist. He sat in the middle of the couch, and Duo straddled his waist, holding the plate perfectly level as he did. Duo's smile attempted to become seductive, but the drunkenness interfered with it. "Open wide..." Duo held a potsticker out, moving it in circles as a mother does for a baby. 

Sighing just a little, Trowa opened his mouth, and let Duo feed him. Duo smiled, and for a moment he looked really beautiful. Then he slurped up a potsticker himself. 

Clearing his throat delicately, Trowa raised an eyebrow at Duo. "Heero called today."

Duo did not appear to react to that, but Trowa knew well enough to know better. "Yeah." Duo held out another potsticker, and Trowa obediently ate it.

"Twelve times."

"Yeah," Duo shrugged, slurping up another potsticker quickly.

Trowa opened his mouth in anticipation of Duo's fingers. He swallowed the potsticker quickly, and cocked his head to the side, looking at Duo passively. "You called him back."

Duo smiled too brightly, and wiggled his eyebrows. "Jealous?"

"No."

Duo sagged.

"I'm concerned." Trowa carefully kept the emotion out of his voice.

Duo pushed a potsticker around the plate in a circle, sopping up more of the sauce. "Yeah."

"You ok?"

Duo shrugged, and ate another potsticker sullenly.

Trowa wondered if maybe Heero's call was to blame for Duo's drinking tonight, but he didn't want to ask. It was too obvious a question. He took the plate and set it aside. Carefully holding Duo's waist, Trowa started to nip at Duo's neck.

Duo sighed, and reclined his head back. "You have a nice apartment, Tro."

"It's ours, now." Trowa spoke softly against Duo's skin, and he hoped that Duo heard him. He never felt like this place belonged to him, so he saw no reason why Duo could not make it more a home than he had.

Duo pushed his hips against Trowa's lap. "You're nice, Tro."

Trowa kissed Duo's lips gently and slowly.

Duo giggled, an oddly masculine sound, and threw his arms around Trowa's neck. "You're too nice for me, Tro, but I'm glad you don't know it."

Trowa sighed, and leaned back against the couch. He was glad to get back to their routine.

* * *

  


It wasn't that late yet. There was still plenty of time to enjoy the moment. It turned out to be one of Duo's better ideas. 

Tuesday night wouldn't seem like a good night to go out, but Duo knew the club, knew the crowd, and knew that Tuesday was a far better day to go out than most. There was a really good dj who had the music pumping in an electronic, primal rhythm, there was enough room to move around, it didn't take that long to get a drink, it wasn't that smoky, and he got to watch Duo cavort in his low-slung leather pants and mid-drift baring white long-sleeved t-shirt.

This was definitely one of Duo's better ideas. Trowa didn't even feel that out of place in his tight jeans and black turtleneck.

Trowa sipped a martini while Duo slithered over the dance floor. This was much better than another night of watching Duo fidget and fuss, pacing distractedly from one room to the other. It wasn't easy to adjust to living with someone, and Trowa knew that it had been several weeks since Duo had seen Heero, who was gone with Relena to L3 for an economic convention.

Duo no longer spent any time with Heero at all, really, now that he was living with Trowa, just as he had said, but he did seem to take a masochistic pleasure in calling up Heero for a dose of verbal abuse. Trowa did not understand it or like it, but it wasn't his business. Duo was no child.

Children did not put their hand between their legs as they danced with their backs to some stranger who was clearly going to be disappointed when they left the dance floor alone. Trowa smirked, and took a long, slow sip as he caught Duo's eyes.

Duo was having a good time. Trowa was too, though he wasn't going to show it until he got Duo home again. Duo liked to dance more than Trowa did, but it was fine, because Trowa liked to watch, too.

It was a very good idea, Trowa thought.

Trowa turned to order another drink. He had never had this much to drink in his life, but he had slowly been acclimating his system to alcohol since Duo had moved in. It was just easier to have a drink with his lover than to watch Duo get drunk while being stone sober himself. There was a nervous college-aged man at the bar next to him, who kept swirling his drink in his glass, so that some slipped out and spilled on the bar from time to time. His back was to the dance floor, but he kept looking over his shoulder, his small, dark eyes darting around erratically.

He looked at Trowa as Trowa waited for another martini. The bartender here was a lot better than Duo was at pouring a martini. The shaker moved almost too fast for the eye in his practiced hands. It was a pleasure to watch. The young man leaned over, his eyes darting out over the dance floor, and he smiled at Trowa uncertainly. "I guess you don't like to dance much."

Trowa shrugged. He didn't like being coerced into conversation. He preferred to talk to people only when there was cause to. He greatly preferred to be left alone. 

The young man had not noticed Trowa's reticence. "It's a good crowd I think. I mean, lots of people."

Trowa raised an eyebrow, and paid the bartender, generously tipping. 

"So, what about you? You come here often?" The young man's eyes settled on Trowa, a hint of fear coloring them.

Trowa shook his head once, raising the glass to his lips with precise care.

The young man nodded vigorously, and rubbed his hands over his arms. "Yeah, me neither. I don't go out a lot. I hate crowds. But my boyfriend dumped me, and there aren't that many places to meet people... Not on Earth, anyway. I hear it's completely different in the colonies. In the colonies, people don't judge people. That's what I heard, but it's probably not like that, not really. What do you think? You ever been to the colonies?"

Trowa did not want to continue this conversation. He wanted to finish his drink and join Duo on the dance floor. Maybe make a trip to the bathrooms. With a dismissive sigh, and replied shortly, "People are more laid back on the colonies. Find out for yourself."

He turned back to the dance floor, his eyes scanning for Duo. The young man was staring at him with stunned apprehension. "You... you really think so? I'd like to, you know, I want to transfer there next year, but my father... Well, my mom died in the war, and my father says..." 

Trowa interrupted him with derision. "I know what your father says. I've heard it before. Go, or stay, whatever." He couldn't find Duo. He stood up to walk around a little to get a better view of the whole club.

He had only turned his back for a second.

He was contemplating getting worried when someone jumped on his back, their long arms trailing over Trowa's chest decadently. 

Trowa stumbled forward two steps, and then latched on to Duo's arms. 

"Got you!" Duo exclaimed from far too close to Trowa's ears. "You're mine now."

Trowa felt himself grin, which was unexpected. "Am I? And what do you intend?"

"Ooooh, nothin' but evil, I'm afraid. I'm quite a demon, you know." Duo rubbed against Trowa's back as he snickered, brushing his cheek against the back of Trowa's neck.

Trowa turned around, holding Duo's arms so that Duo would remain still. "I know."

Duo grinned sloppily. "You know." Duo surged forward, and sucked Trowa into a kiss.

Trowa frowned as Duo led him onto the dance floor. Duo was frantic and wild, haphazardly gyrating and bumping into Trowa. Trowa did his best to keep his hands on Duo, but Duo was a dervish. 

They got back to the bathrooms, but Duo was sweating hard, and he could barely keep breathing. It was going to take too long to get Duo hard, anyway. Duo brought Trowa off with his hands, and then laughed like a hyena when he wiped his hand on the stall door.

They took a cab back to their apartment. Duo kept trying to put his hands in Trowa's pants. It would have been pleasant if Duo could have stopped laughing for five seconds. Trowa was developing a headache.

Trowa was low on cash when they were leaving the cab, and Duo insisted that Trowa fish through his pockets for money. Duo put his hands on his head and pushed his hips out, and invited Trowa to try his luck. 

When the cab driver decided to leave without the rest of his fare rather than watch Trowa paw Duo for the money, Duo actually fell onto the sidewalk, he was laughing so hard.

Trowa had to restrain Duo from singing 'The Sound of Music' in the elevator by putting his hand over Duo's mouth. Duo decided to take that opportunity to suck and lick Trowa's palm. 

It was deeply annoying to be turned on by someone who wasn't cogent enough to get it up in return.

Duo tripped on the way to the door to their apartment, and fell flat on his face. This was so amusing, he started to laugh loudly enough to wake their nearly deaf next-door neighbor. Not relishing another eviction, Trowa lifted Duo up bodily and hauled him into their apartment.

Trowa was irritated, and frustrated. He wanted to go to bed.

Duo thought that was a great idea. He pulled off his shirt in a tragic mockery of seduction, and crawled over Trowa like a monkey.

"Troooo..." Duo cooed, still giggling a little, "wanna take me for a spin? C'mon... let me rev you up, babe..." Duo bit Trowa's ear a bit harder than necessary.

Trowa grunted, annoyed with himself for being aroused by Duo's clumsiness.

Duo rubbed his face against Trowa's like a cat. "Mm, Tro..." Duo's arms moved to hold Trowa, and his fingers dug into Trowa's sweater, as if trying to break through to the skin. "Tro, you always taste so good, Tro... And you smell good, too. I like to lick your cock..."

Trowa groaned, and leaned back against the headboard, feeling moderately put out by all of this, but not willing to bring it to an end. 

"You smell best of all when you are sweatin', you know that? Like a fuckin' opiate, man, you are a head rush..." Duo writhed in Trowa's arms sinuously, pushing his hands down Trowa's tight jeans. 

Trowa found himself sucking on Duo's neck absently, because it was right in front of his mouth and he liked to suck right there anyway.

"Tro... I don't think we should've had burritos for dinner."

It took Trowa a full seventeen seconds to comprehend what Duo was saying, and then he was carefully leading Duo to the bathroom with all due dispatch.

One advantage to the braid was that it meant that Trowa didn't have to hold Duo's hair as he knelt before the toilet. Trowa made sure that Duo was all right where he was, and then he started to run some cool water. He put the washcloth under the water, and listened as the sound of the water rushing down the drain partially washed away the sound of Duo hacking and emptying his stomach. 

Trowa turned off the water when Duo seemed to take a break, and he wrung the washcloth out thoroughly.

Duo was clutching the edges of the toilet with both hands, his head bent down and his shoulders heaving. Trowa knelt down next to Duo, and pulled Duo's shoulders back gently. He flushed the toilet, sucking away the odor, and he wiped Duo's face and mouth with the cloth. Duo looked dazed, his eyes unfocused and his body shivering. Trowa leaned closer to Duo, sharing his body heat.

"Sorry, Tro."

Trowa shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, meaning to say not to worry about it.

"Not exactly the perfect end to the evening, is it? Sitting on the bathroom floor, instead of being in bed..."

Trowa brushed the cloth down Duo's face, dismissively.

"You tried to kill yourself in a bathroom."

It was a statement and a question at the same time, so Trowa forced himself to speak in response. "Yes."

Duo stared at the tile, forlorn. "That's why you don't like bathrooms much."

That was definitely a statement, so Trowa felt no urge to reply.

"What was it like? What did it feel like?"

Trowa stared straight ahead, willfully seeing nothing. "Cold."

Duo shivered, and huddled closer to Trowa. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice dripping with self-contempt, "You don't deserve this. You shouldn't be stuck with someone like me."

Trowa considered the words and tone before answering. "I don't mind."

Duo sighed, and pressed his face to Trowa's chest. "I'm sorry."

Trowa frowned, wondering at Duo's apologies. He kissed the top of Duo's head, leaving his nose next to the sweaty chestnut hair for just a moment. "You ok? Want to go back to bed?"

Duo sighed, closed his eyes, and nodded once.

Trowa put Duo to bed, and put the trashcan next to Duo's side of the bed. He got into his pajamas, and sat on the bed next to Duo.

It occurred to him to unwind Duo's hair from the braid while he was asleep, but he didn't have the energy. He fell asleep on top of the blanket, his hand next to Duo on the bed.

When Duo first tried to pry his eyes open, he was aware only of a queasy, pounding pain all over his body. He felt too dizzy and too sick to even try to move, and he was asleep again within a minute.

Later, the light from the window made it impossible for him to keep his eyes closed. Blinking and huddling himself into a ball, Duo peered out, finding Trowa sitting in the window.

Trowa was watching him, his hands wrapped around a coffee mug.

Duo blinked several times, and groaned. 

Trowa watched Duo for another moment, and then unfolded himself from his position in the window. He knelt down on the floor next to Duo, and pushed a glass of water closer to Duo. "How are you feeling?"

Duo groaned, and tried to hide under the covers.

Trowa nodded. "I called us both in. I thought we could spend the day in bed."

Duo snorted and then groaned. "I don't know what you had in mind exactly, Tro, but I'm pretty sure I'm not up for it..."

Trowa stiffened a little, and made a dismissive noise from his nose. "I was going to read. I don't envy you. I've always heard an ecstasy hangover was the worst."

Duo seemed frozen for a moment. "I just wanted to feel good."

Trowa nodded, and pushed the glass of water closer to Duo. "I'm not judging you."

Duo sighed. "Why not? Everyone else does."

Trowa narrowed his eyes. He would have pointed out that Heero was not everyone, but he couldn't. He leaned over and kissed Duo's brow gently, pushing Duo's bangs aside with careful fingers. Duo opened his eyes slowly.

After several moments' contemplation, Duo took the glass of water and sipped it.

Trowa got into bed next to Duo, and got his book out. Duo drank most of the glass of water, and eventually gave into the need to go to the bathroom. He refilled his glass while he was up, and then fell into bed like he was a ton of bricks dropped from high above.

Duo fidgeted, sighing, until he finally stilled. Trowa watched Duo as much as he read his book, dividing his attention between his bedmate and the words on the page with exact equality. He was so intent on completing both tasks that he was taken completely by surprise when Duo spoke. 

"What are you reading?"

"The Stranger."

Duo grinned, looking more like his normal self. "Ah, sweet, comforting nihilism."

Trowa felt one corner of his lips turning up. He tried to discourage it.

"Read to me."

Trowa blinked. "I've never read to anyone before."

Duo wiggled over, and put his head in Trowa's lap. "It's been a long time since anyone has read to me."

Trowa put his hand on Duo's head, running it over Duo's messy hair lazily. He began to read, finding himself lingering over the words as he concentrated on the enunciation. The words became larger than their placement on the page, and the collective connotation of the gathered phrases loomed ephemerally before them.

Trowa expected Duo to fall asleep to the sound of his voice; on the contrary, the other man's eyes became ever clearer and brighter, until Duo set the book aside, and placed his dry lips against the skin he exposed at Trowa's belly. Duo undressed them without preamble, and Trowa let Duo push him to his back.

Duo entered into him slowly, Duo's hands soft against Trowa's skin, Trowa's leg hooked absently over Duo's shoulder as they pressed their bodies together. It was slow, and long, and torturously pleasurable. Trowa closed his eyes and arched his back, feeling like the sand on the beach on a stormy day at high tide.

When it was over, Duo arranged them so that he was resting in the wet spot, and he cleaned Trowa patiently with his tongue. Words were spoken, but Trowa wasn't interested. He didn't need to know that his sweat dressed him perfectly, or that his body was a miracle.

He only needed Duo's hand in his own, Duo's leg between his own, and Duo's breath on his body.


	7. Chapter 7

It was a painful morning. More so than usual, although it was really a matter of perspective. Trowa had gotten drunk with Duo the night before, just because he had been bored watching Duo drink. All morning, he'd been staring at the monitor of his computer, his head aching and throbbing, his stomach queasy. 

He hated drinking.

The worst part was that Duo got up before him, and was even _chipper_. It should be criminal to be chipper in the morning after drinking all night.

Each time the computer beeped to alert him of new mail, he jumped in his chair, but he ignored his inbox entirely. He figured if he could make it 'til lunch, he was owed a blowjob, and then after that, everything would be fine.

It took him twenty minutes to decide whether or not he _really_ wanted to get up and get something to drink. Eventually, his vision swimming before his eyes made up his mind for him, and he got up to stave off the possibility of falling asleep at his desk.

The break room was full of most of his coworkers, as usual, but they seemed to be centered around one of the tables, so Trowa was able to slip in and get to the drink machine without being noticed.

He slid his credit card through the reader, and then pondered his choices. He could get something with caffeine, although rather than keep him awake, caffeine tended to just make him sleepy and anxious. He could get a carbonated beverage, or water. He really only wanted water, but he hated to spend two credits on water when he could just get it out of the tap, if the tap water didn't smell. And he swore that the tap water in his building had a _odor_. Water most definitely should not ever have an odor, he was sure.

He got the lemon-lime drink, and gulped it down quickly so that the burn of the carbonation on his tongue would be less noticeable. 

Having made his momentous decision, he turned around, and actually heard what his coworkers were babbling on about.

"...with automatic everything, basically. I'm really giving this away."

"It's such a shame, really, you only just got the car."

"That's true, but ya know, it's just the way of things."

"Well, like I said, my cousin is shopping for a new car, but I think he wanted a convertible."

"Tell him about it anyway. I mean, I'm practically giving the car away at 3,000 creds."

"Why are you selling it so cheaply?" Everyone fell silent at Trowa's words, a small gasp from one of the secretaries signaling everyone else to back off slightly.

George. The man selling the car was George. George Something, although Trowa did not know nor care what his last name was. George worked in accounting, and he had worked for Oz, too. He had once overheard George saying something vaguely anti-colony when he was in the bathroom one day. When Trowa had come out of the stall, George was still talking, his dick hanging out his pants. 

George's penis was perhaps the width of a pencil.

Right now, George's face looked exactly the same as it had that afternoon in the bathroom. After swallowing several times, he was able to speak. "Er, I need to sell it fast. My wife and I are having a baby, and she wants live with closer to her mom. I got a job in Anaheim, but I need to start next week, and..."

Trowa honestly believed that he had not asked for the man's life story. "Let me take a look at it."

George blinked and stuttered, his face white and his big, stupid eyes blinking rapidly. Casey, the woman who worked in the cube next to Trowa, stood up and smiled nervously at George. "Well, I got to get back to work. Hope things work out..."

Within thirty seconds, the break room was empty save Trowa and George. 

George stared up at Trowa, and Trowa had to resist the urge to sneer at him. Downing the last of his drink quickly, he tossed the can into the recycling bin, and indicated that George should follow him with a nod of his head.

Trowa was halfway to the elevator before George caught up with him. "We can't... It's the middle of the morning!"

Trowa rolled his eyes surreptitiously at George's childish fear of authority. "We'll only be a minute. I want to look at your car."

George definitely didn't want to get into the elevator with Trowa, but he also didn't want to make the other man mad. They traveled down to the garage, with George's inane car chatter competing with the tinny music in the elevator for the Most Annoying Thing that Trowa Had to Endure at the Moment.

The man didn't even talk about anything pertinent. He mentioned the color of the car three times.

Trowa was forced to follow George to the car. He kept his hands in his pockets to hide the fists he couldn't help forming. He didn't care if George liked him or not, there was such a thing as being a professional. If he were in charge of the Preventers, jackasses like George wouldn't even get to clean the bathrooms. It was galling that a man like George was technically a superior to Trowa or Duo, in any sense of the word. The long stream of nonsense and blather flowing out of his mouth was disgusting. If he were an enemy in Trowa's hands, he would be spilling everything he knew about the Preventers in five minutes flat.

No wonder they beat Oz.

The car itself was utterly ordinary. Four door sedan, sunroof, somewhat sporty lines but still a sedan, with a 2.4 L four cylinder engine, two wheel drive, automatic, 155 horsepower, 156 torque, with leather seats, decent but not great cd player, power windows, seats, and mirrors, cruise control and alloy wheels.

Not bad for 3,000 creds.

Trowa didn't like tan interiors, though. And he preferred four wheel drive, really. He could knock a couple hundred cred off the price.

"Let me see the engine."

George shuffled the contents of his pockets around, making Trowa slightly sick, thinking the man was just trying to get a cheap thrill. Finally, George produced the keys, amid chatter about how new and nice the car was, and how he just had the interior cleaned.

Trowa poked around under the hood for a minute or two, ignoring George's nervous chatter about how he didn't know a spark plug from a fan belt.

And this man worked for Oz. They should have beaten those guys in a month.

Trowa shocked George by lying down on the ground and sliding under the car, using a flashlight to check the undercarriage quickly. He would normally have liked to do a more thorough once-over, but he was pretty sure George wasn't trying to trick him.

At least, he was pretty sure that George would answer a direct question. "So. Is there anything wrong with the car?"

George shivered a little, though he tried to hide it. 

Trowa had no respect for a man that could be so easily intimidated, and he made no effort to hide his reaction.

George cleared his throat. "No, no, there's nothing... It's a great car. It's just... I bought it for my wife as a birthday present, but we can't afford a second car now that the baby is coming..."

Trowa crossed his arms over his chest, and looked away so that George would not be inflicted with another scathing look. "I'll pay you 2,750 credits right now for it."

George blinked stupidly for a minute, stammering and stuttering. Trowa could barely reign in his disgust; the man couldn't even close the deal with dignity. "Sure, sure, that'll... I mean, I was hoping for a little more, but... Well, we need the money, anyway, so..." 

Trowa shook his head and turned around abruptly, heading back to the elevator. After a moment, George followed him, but Trowa was still ready to leave him behind as he waited in the elevator.

Duo was waiting for Trowa outside of Trowa's building at lunch. He hadn't bothered to change out of his jumpsuit. He was leaning on the side of the building, smoking. Duo was holding the cigarette at his waist, watching the people leave the building with something similar to disdain. 

Trowa bit the inside of his lip to keep from smirking.

"So, how was your morning?" Duo smirked lazily at Trowa as he fell in step beside him. 

Trowa shrugged. They were heading to the deli three blocks down the street. It was now too cold to eat outside, but they still managed to get some private time together, as the deli only had a couple of tables.

"I got a car today."

Duo said nothing.

Trowa put his hands in his pockets as he waited for the light to change.

"You bought a car? At work?"

"Yeah."

The light changed, but Duo didn't move, so Trowa waited for him. 

"You own a car now."

"Yes."

"Why?"

Trowa shrugged. "It was a good deal."

Duo nodded, and took a long drag of his cigarette. "Ok. Wanna take the rest of the day off, go for a drive, and have sex in the car?"

"Yes." Trowa had been afraid that Duo wouldn't ask.

* * *

  


It was raining again. A winter rain, cold and messy, that made the streets dirty and difficult to navigate.

Duo was sleeping on the bed, his back bare since Trowa had left the sheets pulled down when he had gotten out of bed. It had long been his habit to watch the alley from the window in his bedroom, but tonight, he found himself watching Duo.

Trowa's back was pressed against the glass, and he could feel the cold of the rain pouring into him. Duo slept curled up, his knees pulled up and his hands tucked under his chin. From this angle, Trowa could see the long arc of Duo's back, with the bold tattoo, and the back of Duo's head. His braid was pulled forward, and was protected, cradled next to his body.

Sometimes, Trowa felt inexplicably romantic about sex. He disliked thinking about sexual matters in romantic terms, as it led to assigning feelings to something that had no true link to emotion, but he did find that there was symbolism to the act that could be strangely potent at times. 

Duo would open his body to Trowa, open his legs, and let Trowa enter him. Trowa would do the same for Duo. Physically, there wasn't much they didn't know about each other at this point. But it might have been too soon for them to be living together. Ironic, that they could share each other's bodies, but they had difficulty sharing a bathroom or a refrigerator. It was only human nature, really. There was pleasure in the act of sex, but there was no pleasure to be had from having to fight for sink space in the morning, or from pulling yard-long hairs out of the drain to get it to unclogged.

Trowa wanted to touch Duo, to hold him, and to sleep wrapped in an embrace, but he felt cold and distinct. It was late, and he was feeling too philosophical for his own good. He should, and could, just get back into bed and be with Duo, but he felt distant. 

There had been the argument over soap. The _discussion_ of Duo's drinking. And Trowa was certain that Duo had purposefully deleted the message from Catherine. 

Trowa knew what was going on. He would have to be slow not to see it. Duo wasn't in control of himself anymore, and it worried Trowa.

Duo went out two nights ago straight from work, and he hadn't gotten in until nearly 4 am, at which point he was so sick from drinking and from ecstasy, he had slept until Trowa had gotten home from work. Duo was missing a lot of work lately, and he was drinking more, and taking risks with drugs.

Trowa had been afraid that Duo had gone to be with Heero when he went out that night, but then Heero had called. Trowa listened to the message that Heero had left, and then deleted it, and the caller id record of the call. 

Heero had been condescending and cruel, as was his wont, but Trowa could hear the desperation as well. For whatever reason, Heero wanted Duo back, and he was willing to do or say whatever was necessary to get him back.

It worried Trowa, because Duo was obviously trying to provoke him. When they were in bed tonight, Duo kept trying to get Trowa to go faster, harder. He had even suggested beforehand that they didn't need lube. And when they were done, Duo had made snide comments about Trowa's performance, suggesting that there was more to sex than just the same thing all the time.

Trowa knew that Duo didn't mean it. He could barely speak, he was so short of breath. And in his eyes, Duo could hide nothing. 

Trowa knew that there was something that he couldn't give Duo, but he thought that the idea would be for Duo to learn not to need it anymore. 

He couldn't hurt Duo. He wasn't opposed to games or kinks; he wasn't entirely innocent in that arena. And, he knew how to wield a whip, from working with the lions. But, with Duo... Trowa knew he could never get his heart into it.

Duo was vibrant, and alive. He knew how to keep going, even through the pain of life. Trowa admired Duo's perseverance. He didn't want to play any games with Duo.

Perhaps Trowa did feel something... romantic for Duo. Perhaps there was a reason that he felt like there was more than sex in their actions. Perhaps there was a reason why Trowa was so determined to be gentle, even when his lover was begging him to be rough.

Trowa closed his eyes, and leaned back so that his forehead was against the pane of glass. 

In the kitchen earlier, he hadn't meant to explode at Duo. Such displays of emotion and temper were... rare for him. But Duo had kept at him, getting into Trowa's face over everything.

The words seemed to echo in the silent, dark apartment. They had echoed all through the night, when Trowa was rocking his hips, pushing in and out of Duo's pliant body. They had echoed as Duo fell asleep, insisting that he would clean up in the morning.

Duo had said that Trowa must be very lonely before, to be willing to put up with all of this just to get laid.

Trowa had taken Duo by the elbows and shaken him.

_Do I look like Heero to you, Duo? Do I? Then stop treating me like him! I'm not the one who enjoys hurting you!_

Trowa sighed, and opened his eyes. 

The words kept echoing. He knew that Duo could hear them, too. That night, they had been as passionate as when they had first gotten together. After Trowa had shaken him, Duo was irascible. Trowa knew that Duo had heard what he had said, but actions were more impressive. 

Trowa wanted to go into the bed and run his fingers down the line of Duo's spine, wanted to trace the pattern of Duo's tattoo.

Wanted forgiveness for his roughness, though he knew that Duo had enjoyed it.

"Tro? Are you gonna sleep in the window?"

Duo's voice shook Trowa, but Trowa stayed perfectly still. "I woke up."

"Come back to bed." Duo did not uncurl, but he looked at Trowa over his shoulder.

"I'm fine."

"I'm cold."

"Pull the blanket up, then."

Duo sighed. "Do you not like the view?"

"If you are cold..."

"I'm cold if I'm in bed alone. The blankets can't warm me."

"You are being childish."

"I just want to be warm again."

"Duo..."

Duo turned his face away. "I... don't enjoy arguing with you, Tro."

"Then don't."

"Yeah, I guess it's that easy... But you can sure be stubborn."

Trowa smirked.

"Come back to bed."

"Didn't you sleep alone when you were with Heero?" Trowa hoped that he had said that as quietly as he thought he did. He had wanted to only think it.

"You aren't Heero. Are you?" Duo's words were like thoughts, they were so quiet.

Trowa considered, and then stretched his legs out in front of him. He stepped quietly to the bed, and sat down on the edge. He reached out, letting his fingertips touch Duo's skin.

Duo shuddered, sighing.

"Go to sleep, Duo." Trowa spoke mostly to himself, but he knew in the dead quiet of the apartment at night, Duo would hear him.

"Come to bed, Tro."

"I'm in bed. Now sleep."

Duo sighed, and pushed himself back, so that he was closer to Trowa. 

Trowa kept his hand on Duo's back until the alarm went off. Because of the rain, the sun wasn't visible, but they got ready in tandem, making it to the bus stop without any words being exchanged.

* * *

  


Duo's feet were on the chair next to him, his big boots filling up the seat easily. Duo was sitting directly across from him, so Trowa's legroom was severely limited, but he didn't mind. Duo stretched out over his chair, smoking cigarette after cigarette as they waited for the food to come to them.

It was one of those chain restaurants that were the same all over the world, and even in the colonies. The waitstaff was dressed in colorful, cheerful outfits and were forced to smile their entire shifts. The food was good, and plentiful, and relatively cheap, but none of that mattered. 

Duo took a sip of his gigantic margarita, licking the salt off the rim right before he swallowed. 

"This is getting intolerable."

Trowa nodded and he swirled his drink around using his straw. Therapy today had been less than fun.

"Fucker actually came. I can't believe that."

Trowa closed his eyes and shuddered involuntarily. 

"What kind of mental health professional has an orgasm right in front of his patients?"

Trowa bent his head down, and sighed quietly. 

"It's amazing how something that can be so sexy when it is one person can be so _repugnant_ from someone else." Duo's lips were curled in disgust as he spoke, his fingers moving erratically, making strange patterns in the air with the smoke. "I mean, I could watch you come all day long, but that... that was the worst thing I've ever been forced to endure."

Trowa was certain that Duo was not exaggerating in the least bit.

"We could so get his license revoked."

Trowa nodded absently, his eyes drifting to stare, unfocused, over Duo's shoulder. 

"I feel unclean."

Trowa smiled at the tone of Duo's voice.

Duo sighed, and stamped out his cigarette. "Sometimes I think it might be easier to just talk to him, and then I think, fucker actually came in front of us, and then I just stop caring." He took a long drink of his margarita.

Trowa picked up his drink, just an iced tea, but still soothing. "It's not going to last forever."

Duo's expression darkened. "Yeah? I'm not so sure. No matter what we do, it's never enough. You might be able to convince them you aren't lusting for your razor blades anymore, but they'll never believe that I'm clean. And even if they did, how fucking long will it be before they let us get our licenses again?" Duo snorted derisively. "They'll keep me grounded forever, stinking bastards. And if you don't have a license to fly, you can't really _live_ in the colonies. And if I have to spend the rest of my fucking life toeing the line on this god forsaken rock, I'm gonna need some fucking _good_ drugs, let me tell ya."

Duo's eyes were narrowed as he stared out the window. Trowa wanted to laugh, but he supposed that it wasn't really funny, at least not in the sort of way that you actually laughed at. 

Their food came, but since neither young man was looking at the hapless waitress in her cute little polo shirt, she didn't bother trying to flirt with them.

They walked home side by side, Duo smoking like a chimney, Trowa keeping his hands in his pockets to keep them warm. It was dark by the time they left the restaurant, and the streets were filled with people trying to get where they were going quickly. Even though they were walking side by side down the busy sidewalk, they didn't bump into anyone. 

It was actually a pleasant walk home, although Trowa wasn't sure if Duo was enjoying it.

Duo went straight up to the apartment, but Trowa stopped to pick up the mail. He spent the entire elevator ride up puzzling over the matching formal envelopes that were addressed to both Duo and himself.

The cream paper was thick and smooth to the touch, like silk in paper form. The engraved lettering was gold, with all the curls and embellishments one could fit into a few lines of address. On the front of the envelopes, there was no return address stamp, but Trowa noted the accuracy of the address, which included the most complete form of the postal code. On the back, the return address was engraved, and it was with a sinking heart that Trowa recognized the official seal of the Sanc Royalty. 

Duo had left the apartment door ajar, and was already in the bedroom stripping. Trowa hated to miss that; Duo was able to make taking his clothes off sexy no matter what the situation was. Trowa took the time to close and lock the door, and check the vidphone for messages and calls. He scrolled through the days calls slowly, the envelopes in his hand.

Duo came into the living room in his boxers. Trowa kept his head down as he watched Duo move across the room, his narrow body precise and graceful in its near-nudity. Duo's braid swung back and forth, brushing up against his ass enticingly.

Trowa held out Duo's envelope resignedly.

"What's this?" Duo was already perusing his acquisition, taking away from Trowa the need to respond.

With no regard for the expense of the envelope, Duo ripped it open to get what was inside out. Tossing the torn envelope onto the coffee table carelessly, Duo began to read aloud.

"Her Royal Highness, the Queen of Sanc, cordially requests the pleasure of your company for a celebration of peace and brotherhood at the Palace of the Sanc People, on the 24th of December, 206 A.C. Her Royal Highness will be delighted to host Her guests for the duration of their holiday. May the Joy of the Season breathe in your heart as we commemorate the dedication and sacrifice of All the People of the United Earth Sphere, which has made the peace and prosperity we now enjoy possible!

"Fuck."

That was Trowa's sentiments exactly. His invitation was exactly the same. He hated parties. He hated the crowds of people and the forced social pleasantness of it all. He hated formal parties more than anything. And a formal party dedicated to celebrating his contribution to the war hosted by a contingent of pacifists sounded precisely like hell to Trowa.

"Should have known this was coming. Ten years and all. But damn, this kinda shit just makes me feel old." It was clear from Duo's tone and expression that his age was not the foremost concern on his mind, his eyes flicking over the invitation over and over again, agitated.

"We don't have to go." It was a perfectly reasonable solution to Trowa. Neither of them wanted to go, plus, Heero and Quatre would be there. He didn't want to see either. He wasn't too thrilled with the idea of seeing Relena, and possibly Zechs, either. And if the Catalonia bitch was going to be there...

Duo sighed. "There's gonna be tons of press there. Relena's probably been planning this for years, even. Hell, it's probably been in the frickin' news a billion times, and we just haven't cared. We have to go; we'll make her look stupid if we don't."

Trowa arched an eyebrow. "I don't think _we'll_ be making her look stupid."

Duo grinned at him. "C'mon, Relena's not too bad... I mean, get her drunk, and she's just another girl who digs guy-on-guy action." Duo winked, smiling broadly. "But..."

"We really don't have to go." Trowa spoke quietly but firmly, looking down at the expensive paper. "I don't know what other plans we might have had for Christmas, but we could go to the colonies. We could meet up with the circus, and Catherine, and maybe see Hilde or Howard while we are there."

A pained expression crossed Duo's features. "I kinda sorta promised myself that I would fly myself back to the colonies. Well, anyway, you don't have to go if it really makes you uncomfortable. You can just say that you have prior plans with your sister, and I can go alone."

Trowa moved to stand next to Duo, dropping his invitation on the coffee table. He placed his hand on the back of Duo's neck, rubbing his thumb into the tightly corded muscles at the join of Duo's neck and shoulders. Duo leaned back into the touch. "Do you want to go alone?"

Duo's eyes were brilliantly conflicted. "Well, I mean, I don't want to stand in your way..."

Trowa leaned down, nipping gently at Duo's lips, parting them patiently. Duo sighed, and Trowa's tongue slipped into Duo's mouth, and they tasted each other until they were gasping for air. "Do you want to go alone?" Trowa's voice was now more ragged, and he noticed that he had his hands on Duo's skin.

Duo had his eyes closed. "I... I don't want..."

Trowa moved his hands down to Duo's waist, and pulled the other man up so that their bodies were flush against each other. Trowa put his mouth on Duo's skin, right above his collar bone, and he slipped his hands below the waistband of Duo's boxers, laying his hands flat on Duo's ass. Duo moaned as Trowa's lips moved up his neck. Whispering just below Duo's ear, "Do you want to go alone?"

"I... I..." Duo pushed his hands down Trowa's back, and clutched at the fabric of Trowa's shirt. "I kinda wanted... to get a tree, ya know? I just... I wanted..."

Trowa slid down to his knees, slipping Duo's boxers down as he did. He kissed Duo's hipbone reverently. 

Duo's voice was little more than a murmur. "I want to spend Christmas with you."

Trowa smiled, and licked Duo's cock from the base to the tip, sucking gently as he got to the very tip. "Where?"

Duo moaned a little, and fell to his knees. He threw his arms around Trowa's neck and kissed Trowa wildly. "We should go to the stupid fucking thing. Hell, maybe we can fuck in the throne room; I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time."

Trowa laughed silently, pulling Duo's body close as he sucked on Duo's neck. "Fine. But I reserve the right to be put out by the whole thing."

Duo laughed out loud, and Trowa pushed him down so that he could finish the blowjob he had barely begun.

Duo's body arched sinuously on the ground, and Trowa wished he had taken the time to undress. He used his hands and his mouth on Duo, and a ravenous hunger fueled him, and Duo was accommodatingly quick to sustain him. Duo stayed on the floor, curling his body up, making satisfied noises of pleasure. Trowa got up and stripped on his way to the bedroom. He stood in front of the dresser, his clothes in his hands, and he forgot what he had intended to do once he got there. 

Tired, with a small bubble of contentment clouding his thoughts, he dropped his clothes and landed on the bed. It wasn't fifteen minutes later than Duo climbed into bed with him, and not twenty minutes later than Duo was pushing into him.

Thirty minutes later, Trowa got up and took a quick shower, and when he got back into bed, Duo was in the window with a cup of tea.

Trowa did not go to sleep, but he did get into bed, and he watched Duo watch the alley, and smiled, thinking about spending their first Christmas together fucking in a palace bed.

* * *

  


There was the faint tapping sound of a bare foot nervously keeping a staccato rhythm coming from the dressing room next to him. The lights were bright, reflecting off the three mirrors obnoxiously. Trowa tugged at the collar of the jacket, his face contorted into an expression of absolute distaste. 

He did not like dress clothes. Not many men did, really, but Trowa hated them with a passion that he would never be able to find the words to express. There were too many layers and buttons and useless articles like cuff links that served no purpose other than to add to the torment of being dressed up. 

Also, his shoes were uncomfortable, but they were the only ones he didn't hate a lot, so he got them. He hadn't wanted to spend too much time at the shoe store. 

This had been Duo's idea, but Duo had abandoned him in the men's section so he could ferret out something for his own ensemble.

Trowa didn't like the way Duo had said 'ensemble.' It had sounded too natural.

This whole Christmas party at the palace thing was sounding more and more like a bad idea with each detail Duo remembered that they had to cover. Making travel reservations was bad enough, but having to check with Relena's 'people' at each and every step to make sure their plans would fit in with Her Highness' expectations was enough to drive Trowa insane. More insane. Duo was constantly jittery and on the move. And he was drinking more and more, going out at night and staying out until the morning, and he had been written up at work every day for the last two weeks.

Sighing, Trowa started to strip. He had no idea if the suit was good or not, but it fit well enough for him to justify not caring.

Trowa waited for ten minutes before a salesclerk came by to help him. The young man was so bored, he barely took a moment to look Trowa over. He smiled a little at Trowa, but Trowa was even more bored than the clerk, so that didn't really go anywhere.

Trowa hated spending so much money at once, but he also hated spending any time at all in a clothes store, so he was willing to take the lesser of the two evils, and get the hell out of there.

Duo had neglected to tell Trowa where he was going, so Trowa was left just waiting on the fringe of the men's clothes, his arms folded over his chest, his new clothes bundled on a hanger with a plastic bag over them, the end of the bag tied on the top of the hanger. The hanger was heavy, and it dug into his fingers as he held it, but he didn't fidget or try to make himself comfortable. 

He hoped that Duo would be back soon.

People milled past him, almost oblivious to his presence. He was just another man, left in a store against his will. Trowa hated all of them casually, to pass the time.

Duo finally showed up about ten minutes later, carrying three large shopping bags. He looked tired, and cheerfully ready to slaughter the masses. 

Trowa smirked.

"Get your stuff?"

Trowa held out the hanger wordlessly.

Duo grinned. "Good. Let's get the hell outta here, huh?"

They traversed the labyrinth of the department store, wound their way through the cars and the people in the parking lot, shoved their packages in the trunk, and got in the car. 

Side by side, they just sat for a moment, not even moving to buckle up.

"Tro?"

"Yeah?"

"I like your new car."

"Yeah. It's ok."

"You hungry?"

"...I guess."

"Let's..." Duo's squirmed, and sighed quietly. "Let's go out of town. Picnic in nature, or something. Ya know?"

Trowa looked over at Duo for a moment. It was cold out. It was likely to rain, or even snow. 

It meant that Duo wanted to spend the night with him, instead of going out.

He resisted the urge to sigh in relief, and nodded as he buckled up. Duo smiled back at him, and for a moment, Trowa felt warm.

They stopped in a grocery store before they hit the highway, and took off. Neither one knew where they were going, but they took the road that seemed to be closest, and the sound of the car over the asphalt lulled them into a sense of peace. The sun set quickly, and soon they were speeding down the highway in the dark.

Eventually, Trowa recognized an exit, and they pulled off the expressway. Fifteen minutes drive through the dark, suburban area, and they were at the entrance to a nature preserve. 

It took only a minute to park the car, and Trowa weighed the pros and cons of leaving the engine running for all of thirty-six seconds before switching the car off. They sat in the dark for a several heartbeats, each staring off into the night.

"I like the dark." Duo spoke quietly, as if he feared being overheard.

Trowa nodded, though he wasn't sure that Duo could see him.

"I never lived anyplace with working lights until I hooked up with the Sweepers when I was twelve. I always feel like the dark is... comforting." Duo's voice was hypnotically reminiscent, and Trowa felt like he could see the small buildings that Duo and his friends would squat in at nights. "I mean, colonies are never really _dark_ , dark, but still... Neither is the Earth. There're always stars, and other buildings, and street lights..."

Trowa unabashedly watched Duo as the other man leaned forward to look up at the stars.

"The moon is pretty, isn't it?"

Trowa spared a glance at the moon, and smiled. "It looks dead when you are in space. Just another rock."

Duo smiled at Trowa, and Trowa wished that he could see it better. "Yeah. Exactly. Why are people afraid of the dark?"

Trowa shrugged. "Most people fear what they don't know, I guess."

Duo nodded slowly. "Do you?"

"Fear the unknown?"

Duo shrugged with one shoulder. "I suppose suicidal people kinda embrace the unknown, huh?"

Trowa turned away at the sound of Duo's voice. It was hard, and he found himself wanting Duo to cut him, break his skin. "I don't know."

"Do you want to die, Tro?"

From the sound of it, Duo must have been facing the window, and he probably didn't think that Trowa could hear him, but it wasn't that large of a car, and there was no other noise at all. "I... don't really want to live that much."

Duo swallowed loudly enough for Trowa to hear. "You deserve better."

Trowa pulled the grocery bag forward, and handed Duo his drink. Duo didn't take it right away, but as soon as he did, he opened it and downed half of the carbonated drink. Trowa set each of their victuals on the dashboard. He considered flicking on the interior lights, but if Duo was enjoying the view of the stars and the moon, he didn't want to disturb it.

They started to eat, Duo's eyes still on the night sky, and Trowa's eyes peripherally on Duo. Halfway through his bag of pretzels, Duo leaned over, and put his head on Trowa's shoulder.

Trowa moved his arm so that he could hold Duo's shoulders, Duo's bangs tucked under his chin.

"This Christmas party is gonna be a disaster."

Trowa couldn't agree more, but he said nothing. He rubbed his chin over Duo's head, smelling Duo's hair as he did. 

He was definitely a night person.

* * *

  


"Please be careful when opening the overhead bins, as contents may have shifted during the flight. Thank you for choosing Air Sanc for your travel needs. Please enjoy your stay!"

Duo groaned as he stood up, stretching his arms up to the low ceiling of the plane. "Man! Flying's the _worst_ when you hafta let someone else manage the stick!"

Trowa curled up one corner of his lips, his eyebrow lifting sarcastically. Duo just winked at him in response.

It had been a long flight, but Trowa was wishing it had lasted a little longer. Relena's 'people' had arranged for a car, so they would be going directly from the airport to the palace. Trowa had initially hoped that he and Duo would just get a hotel room for their stay, and thus would be able to control how much time they spent in the palace, with Relena, and Heero, and Quatre... But that plan was deemed to be impossible by the ever-vigilant people who managed Relena's affairs. They insisted that Her Royal Highness would be deeply offended if they did not accept Her Royal hospitality. 

They shuffled off the plane slowly, in the middle of an anxious parade to the exit. Once they got off the plane, Trowa moved in long, lingering strides, his hands in his pockets and his eyes on the ground. Duo kept pace next to him, whistling softly to the annoyance of the people in front of him. They went straight to a specially designated VIP room where they could change into more formal attire. They went to separate rooms to change, as there wasn't a great deal of space anyway.

Trowa spent a good six minutes tying, adjusting, and retying his tie. He was dissatisfied with his appearance. People born to privilege and excess were going to be there to judge him. Duo could pass in a crowd; it was what he did. But Trowa would undoubtedly stand out as a fraud.

His suit was clearly flawed in ways his uncultured eyes could not tell. Quatre would probably say he looked 'quaint' or 'provincial,' which Trowa knew meant that he looked poor. Trowa stared at his reflection until he could only see the many varied ways in which he was flawed. Sighing, he combed his bangs down a bit lower over his eyes with his fingers, and then picked up his luggage.

Duo was waiting for him, changed into a stylish black silk suit, with a black shirt and vest. Trowa smirked. He knew that Duo would find a way to assert himself even in the confines of social grace.

They wove through the crowds shoulder to shoulder, making their way to the luggage carousel with grim determination. By the time they got there, most of the crowd had dispersed, and it wasn't difficult for them to pick up their one piece of checked baggage.

The car waiting for them outside was an extravagant limousine, whose dignified driver was waiting patiently by the car holding a sign that read 'Maxwell Barton Party' over his chest. The driver kept calling them 'sirs' and he purposefully never looked in their eyes, which both men found disconcerting. It was probably intended to be a gesture of respect, but Trowa and Duo had grown up in worlds that distrusted people who appeared to be hiding something.

Duo decided that the drive to the palace would be more comfortable if they both had a quick drink from the bar, and then they used the rest of the time for making out. Trowa could not disagree with the plan as it certainly did make the miles fly by. All too soon, the car was turning up the long lane to the main entrance of the palace.

The Palace of the Sanc People was a painstakingly detailed recreation of the ancestral home of the Peacecrafts, which had been destroyed in the war. Relena had employed only the best, using her own personal money and funds from benefactors to complete the work. She refused to allow the people of Sanc to spend their money rebuilding her home, as they all had their own homes and businesses to rebuild, but she gratefully accepted any time or skills the people had to offer, which was why she renamed the building after the people of Sanc.

It had been quite the news item during its construction. Trowa had never had a desire to see it in person. Ornate buildings, in general, bored him.

Duo pulled away from Trowa reluctantly before they reached the gate of the palace. His hands moved erratically over his pant legs, his eyes darting to and fro out the window. Sanc was an equatorial country that, even in winter, was quite warm, especially compared to where they had been, so there was no snow anywhere visible, but the sky was grey and hung low over them, giving the impression of claustrophobia in an open space. 

Trowa brushed his hand over Duo's. "What are you most nervous about?" Trowa spoke conspiratorially, just in case the driver was listening to them.

Duo grunted in amusement. "I'm supposed to pick? Damn. I just hope it's not a crime to fuck up at an event like this, 'cause it's pretty much a given that I will. I never had the chance to go to finishing school when I was young."

Trowa snorted lightly, and traced a random arc that circled back over itself on the skin of Duo's hand.

His head turned to look out the window, Duo smiled.

The car pulled up to the front door, and when the driver came around to open the door for them, he was flustered to find that Trowa and Duo were already out of the car. A porter hurriedly walked out to meet them, his arms not moving as his legs pumped furiously beneath him. For a moment there was the confusion related to the luggage being taken away, but then another, more dignified servant, probably a butler, showed up to escort them to the front door.

Trowa could tell that Duo was uncomfortable with his things being taken away in the opposite direction, but the streetrat was clearly fighting a losing battle with the responsible adult. Discreetly, Trowa walked a bit closer to Duo, taking some small comfort in the feel of Duo's silk suit brushing against the side of his hand.

He hadn't seen Quatre since just before his first suicide attempt.

The main door to the palace was nearly three full stories tall, and made mostly of stained glass. The doors were standing open, better to greet the guests of Her Highness. The light of the afternoon sun was drifting over the marbled floor of the gigantic foyer of the palace. It was lovely to people who weren't nervous or planning possible escape routes.

Trowa and Duo walked together through the doors, but the butler stayed at the threshold, and with pompous authority, announced them to the milling knots of people who had already arrived.

Taking a deep breath, Trowa balled his hands into fists and went into the fray.

Quatre was cheerfully chatting with a small group of middle-aged to older businessmen, but at the sound of Trowa and Duo's names, he detached from them and went to greet his old compatriots.

Duo smiled at Trowa briefly before they were accosted by the small blonde tycoon. 

"Trowa! It's so good to see you again!" Trowa found himself holding onto a clinging Quatre. He sighed, and closed his eyes, trying not to smell or feel the other man. "Wow, you look great! It's been too long since we've seen each other. You should come visit me on L4 sometime, Trowa."

Trowa had to gape. Quatre had actually sounded offended.

"Hi, Quatre. Nice to see you again, too." Duo slyly leaned closer to Trowa, and grinned a bit widely at Quatre.

Quatre turned visibly, and smiled politely at Duo. "Hello, Duo. Nice suit. A bit... monochromatic, isn't it?"

"It's the absence of color, really." Duo tilted his head in boredom. "Black is a chromatic void."

"Interesting." Quatre did not sound interested.

"Barton. Maxwell." Wu Fei approached, his eyes darting surreptitiously around to assess the room. 

"Fei!" Duo smiled, looking genuinely surprised. "How're you doing?"

Wu Fei sighed. "This party is a nuisance. But it is agreeable to be reunited with you all again."

Trowa nodded briefly, acknowledging Wu Fei's compliment. Duo sighed, rolling his eyes dramatically. 

Quatre's face pinched. "I think this is a great party. It's important, I think, to take time to celebrate our accomplishments."

"It isn't our accomplishments that are important," Wu Fei corrected with the precision of a professor. "It is the strides humanity has made that are admirable. After all, as individuals, we all make mistakes."

Quatre's eyes narrowed in annoyance. It was clear that the other man was unaccustomed to being corrected. But Trowa was already nodding, and Duo started to talk, so Quatre had no time to protest.

"Well, we can't dwell on our mistakes, either. It's good to take time to relax and be happy... Otherwise, what was the point? But, it would be easier to be happy without the damn tie. Hey, can I convert to Chinese? You actually look pretty comfortable." Duo eyed Wu Fei's traditional robes appraisingly, and Trowa took a moment to imagine Duo draped in the flowing, dark silks of a traditional Mandarin gown. Wu Fei actually smiled. His eyes softened, and his shoulders relaxed. 

Trowa felt the old stab of jealousy; it was all so easy for Duo. He wasn't even trying.

"I'm not sure you could pass the initiation, Maxwell. You seem very... American to me." Wu Fei joined his hands behind his back, obviously enjoying his little jab.

Duo hit his forehead with the back of his hand, raising his eyes to the lofty ceiling with all the requisite drama. "I'm wounded, mortally wounded!"

"For the love of god," a gravelly voice interjected, "try to contain yourself. This isn't a damn circus, you know."

Trowa narrowed his eyes at Heero, sighing disgustedly.

"Hey, Heero," Duo greeted him without enthusiasm. "Well, look, the gang's all here."

"Heero, how nice to see you again!" Quatre smiled affectionately. "I was greatly disappointed that you weren't able to join Relena on her last visit to L4. I need to find some way to lure all of you out to visit me; it's a shame that we waited ten years to catch up with each other."

Duo grinned wolfishly. "Gee, I dunno, Q, do you have an open bar policy for your guests?"

Trowa repressed a laugh poorly, earning him a betrayed look from Quatre, but Heero growled with dissatisfaction.

Taking Duo's arm roughly, but unobtrusively, Heero hissed, "You damn well better not make a fool of yourself while you are here. This is an important occasion that shouldn't be spoiled by excess trash lying about."

Wu Fei took a half a step forward, his eyes darting in confusion from Heero to Duo. "Yuy!"

"Her Royal Highness, Queen Relena Peacecraft Darlian!"

There was no trumpet blare to accompany the announcement, but it hardly required it. Relena was delicately making her way down the steps of the grand staircase, her cheeks pinked with embarrassment to have halted all the conversation in the room. Clearing her throat, she quickly began what was obviously an impromptu speech. 

"Greetings to all our guests! Thank you so much for joining me in commemorating this most remarkable event. Please make yourselves home in my home, and let one of my staff know if there is anything we can do to make you more comfortable. Thank you."

A small spattering of applause followed, and Relena continued down the staircase with regal grace.

She maintained her demeanor until she caught sight of the group of former Gundam pilots, at which point she let out something that would be called a squeal from anyone but the Queen, and she rushed to join them.

"Duo!" She cried out as soon as she was close enough to do so without being too tactless. "You're here!" 

If there was anyone in the group of five who was prepared for Relena to throw her arms around Duo's neck and drag him down into a warm hug, it wasn't evident. Heero glared in the direction of the decorative plants, and Quatre and Wu Fei openly gaped. Trowa watched with amazement, evidenced by his moderately uplifted brows.

Duo was barely keeping himself on his feet. "Your... your highness..."

"Oh, Duo, don't call me that," she scolded him playfully. "I'm just Relena. And you've been a bad boy!" She swatted him on the arm with all the force of a teddy bear. "You were supposed to join me for dinner in October, but you ran away. I presume you found something better to do." She grinned with lofty cheek at Duo and Trowa.

Duo sputtered, and Trowa became fascinated with the scrollwork of the ceiling.

Relena grabbed Duo's arm, and tugged him to follow her. "Well, anyway, it's about time you came to visit me! Let me take you on a private tour of the house. I can show you all the best parts. Let's go!"

The four remaining pilots stared openly at the young queen dragging the reluctant man. "But... Relena... Shouldn't you greet your other guests...? I don't want to keep you from your duty..."

"Pish! My duty will be there when we get back!" She turned and winked at the other men in the group. "Sorry to greet and run, boys, but I'm taking my chance to get this one alone while I can!"

Trowa considered shutting Quatre's mouth for him as they watched Relena disappear through a door with Duo.

"Well," Trowa drawled, "I guess Relena is fond of Duo."

Heero glared more forcefully, now in the direction of the floor before his toes, but Quatre and Wu Fei were oblivious. 

"Yes," Wu Fei agreed, still staring at the door in wonder. "I thought she was always trailing after you, Yuy."

Heero grunted, crossing his arms over his chest. 

"I guess her tastes have... matured," Trowa suggested off-handedly.

However Heero may have reacted to that, no one would know, because Quatre interrupted him before he could get a chance to do or say anything. "I hope Relena's security is with her at all times. I can't believe she went off alone with Duo like that."

"Quatre!" Wu Fei objected immediately, sternly looking down his nose at the source of his shock.

"Don't worry," Heero reassured ominously, "I made sure her guards were the best."

"So, Chang," Trowa said, turning to Wu Fei, ignoring the other two, "are there any other Preventers we would know? Sally? Noin? ...Zechs?"

Wu Fei snorted, still annoyed with Quatre, his eyes lingering in disapproval before they turned to meet Trowa's. "Zechs is still delusional enough to think that the population at large thinks that he is dead. I keep telling him they don't think of him at all, but he doesn't listen to anyone but ghosts. Noin and Po are here, however. I _believe_ Po found a billiards room."

Trowa nodded, interested. "That sounds good."

"Oh, Trowa," Quatre placed a hand on Trowa's arm, trying to dissuade him. "I was hoping to introduce you to some people. A little networking can really help your career."

Trowa shook Quatre's hand off, his face contorted in distaste at Quatre's helpfulness. "I'd rather see old friends."

Heero sighed in frustrated disgust. "Let's go then. All these people are making me nervous. They keep staring at us."

Trowa choose not to actively agree with Heero, although he could not help it entirely. Heero started off in what must have been the direction of the billiards room, with Wu Fei and Trowa following closely. Quatre almost protested but then sighed, giving in. 

"Fine!" He threw his hands up uselessly. "Let's go find the girls."

Trowa cracked the knuckles of his thumbs in irritation at the idea of Noin and Sally being called 'girls.'

* * *

  


The couch was too plushy. It was the sort that one sank into as one sat down, which meant that once one was fully seated, one's knees were practically bumping one's chin.

Trowa didn't have the energy at the moment to hate the couch. He would hate it tomorrow, with a furious passion. Tonight, he would just loathe it passively as he tried to keep his knees from breaking his jaw.

Quatre was talking. Quatre had been talking a lot. Trowa decided it was more fun to pay attention for only a minute at a time, and fill in the gaps himself. Quatre's mouth curled into something like a pinwheel as he spoke. Trowa didn't remember it doing that before. 

Quatre's mouth was small and pinkish. It was... oddly disturbing. Men should not have pinkish lips. Duo's lips weren't pinkish. Trowa was certain that he would remember a key detail like that.

In fact, he was pretty sure that he knew Duo's mouth perfectly. Duo's mouth was wide and wet. Duo's mouth was always wet. And hot. Trowa was certain that he knew Duo's mouth perfectly.

He readjusted his knees as his eyes flickered around the room anxiously. Duo and Relena had been gone for too long. He wanted his lover back.

Duo had a way of drawing attention away from the painful, torturous parts of life. Very often with sex, but sometimes with humor and darkness. Duo was an essential part of Trowa's social life.

Trowa didn't mind that anymore, either. He had accepted it. He and Duo had become a team; they fended off the weak attempts of psychoanalysis from Dr. Clarkson, Duo fended off boredom for Trowa, and Trowa fended off Heero for Duo.

They made a good team, Trowa thought.

"Trowa?" Quatre was standing very close to him now, leaning down so he could peer into Trowa's eyes. 

Trowa turned his head away. He missed the person Quatre had been as a child. "Yes?"

"I asked you a question." Quatre's bottom lip protruded slightly as he expressed his annoyance.

Trowa shrugged. "I wasn't paying attention."

Wu Fei smiled, swirling his water around his glass. "It's hard to believe it it's really been ten years. It doesn't seem that long ago that we were all running wild over the earth and in space." Wu Fei seemingly spoke to his glass, his eyes warmer and more affectionate than Trowa ever remembered seeing.

It gave Trowa pause. Whenever he thought about the past, even in the time of the war in which he wasn't alone, it was always with a clinical detachment. He felt the same way about his own past as he did about human interest stories in the news. He just never could care that much about it. What happened, happened.

He didn't expect Quatre, or even Duo to feel the same way. And he was always of the impression that Heero internalized much more than he would ever show. But he had thought of Wu Fei as a soldier.

Perhaps he had been wrong. Wu Fei might call himself a 'warrior.' Perhaps that term was apt; warriors might look back on their battles with satisfaction.

"Sometimes, I feel very old." Quatre laughed, reseating himself across from Trowa. "I look at my family, my house, my work... and I feel very, very old." It seemed that Quatre expected everyone else to get the joke, too.

Heero grunted. "Some things never change."

Trowa eyed Heero. If he looked at him in a certain light, squinting his eyes just a bit, he could still see the boy - becoming - man that he had admired and idolized so much. But if he looked at Heero too long, he could only see the man who hurt Duo for pleasure.

It was a good reason never to have heroes.

"Balance can only be maintained by a system in constant flux; it may seem as if nothing changes, but the river is always flowing forward, is it not?" Wu Fei was apparently in a philosophically romantic mood tonight. "Isn't that the point of this gathering? To 'commemorate.' Not to celebrate, but to remember. Because we, as a population, are still in constant motion, so in order to maintain the peace, the balance, we must remember, we must always gravitate around the truth; we were once barbarous beasts, and we could become so again."

A silence settled over the four men, and Wu Fei smiled as he took a drink.

Trowa revised his opinion. Wu Fei was no warrior, try though he did to mold himself into one. Wu Fei was a scholar. 

Trowa felt an odd sensation in his chest as he realized how Wu Fei had changed in the past ten years. Now, Wu Fei was closer to being the person he was born to be than he had ever been before.

Trowa's heart beat a little faster, and his head felt a little light. He narrowed his eyes, and evaluated the sensation. Was that hope? Did he still think there was someone he had been born to be?

He would have laughed if it could have been in any way appropriate. He wanted Duo with him; he was never prone to pontification when Duo was there to distract him.

Quatre was speaking again, but Trowa had already unconsciously missed the beginning of what he had said, so he didn't bother to start listening.

It was when Duo called out that Trowa started to pay attention again.

"Hey, here you are," Duo said, exhausted, walking quickly across the drawing room to where they were sitting. "And hey! There's the bar!" Duo walked right past the couches, and started to pour himself a drink.

A very large drink. 

"Duo!" Quatre chastised primly. "I don't think you should have so much to drink. It isn't polite to take advantage of our gentle hostess."

"Gentle hostess...?" Duo made a face, bewildered. "I didn't think anyone actually talked like that..." Duo took a long sip of cognac from his tumbler, sighing. "Anyway, Q, if I'm gonna get through this without going postal, I need a drink. Several of them, intravenously, if possibly." Duo refilled his glass, and then sat on the arm of the couch next to Trowa. "I've been paraded through every damn hall of this, that, _and_ the other thing, seen every knick knack and trinket and gift from the amazing, wonderful, generous, hard-working people of Sanc, reviewed every article of clothing that Relena owns... I earned this, damn it."

Trowa smiled, and put his arm around Duo's back. Duo smiled down at him, and it was enough to make Trowa smile as well.

Quatre snorted with refined derision.

"Dinner should be served shortly," Wu Fei reminded with amusement, earning him a smirk from Duo, who was drinking pretty steadily.

Heero grunted with derision. "You are trash."

Duo grinned, and toasted Heero for his next sip. "Hey, I fought for all the regular people, so they could eat, drink, and be merry. Speaking of which... Q, where's the little woman?"

Quatre picked at his fingernails properly. "My wife is with the ladies, in the ladies' room."

Duo stared at him.

Quatre glared back.

"Ladies room? You mean, like, a bathroom?"

Trowa smirked, hiding his face behind Duo a little to conceal his mirth. 

Quatre noticed. "No, Duo. A ladies' drawing room. It isn't necessarily considered proper for ladies and gentlemen to commingle in social gathering of this sort." 

Duo's brow wrinkled in confusion as he took his next sip. "I don't understand. Why not?"

"Well," Quatre explained, a little ruffled at the imposition, "it is a question of place. It isn't a lady's place to participate in the affairs of men. Matters of business or politics simply aren't the concern of ladies of leisure."

Duo burst out laughing, and nearly spilled his cognac all over Relena's expensive antique Persian rug. "Oh, man, Q, I would pay _dearly_ to see you explain that to Sally! Or even Relena!!"

Quatre's eyes darted to Trowa, flummoxed. "Well, _obviously_ , women like _that_ are not ladies of leisure! But my wife knows her role."

Duo sobered instantly, his eyes suddenly sharp as he examined Quatre's expression. Quatre turned away from Duo's gaze in annoyance and embarrassment. "I see. And since you brought it up, are your children here? How many little Q's are there? Do we get to meet them?"

If Quatre was horrified at the idea of Duo meeting his children, he was subtle enough to be discreet about it. Unfortunately, he was surrounded by people who knew him as well as he could be known. "Ah, no, my eleven children are still in L3, with their governesses."

Three expressions of shock and fear faced him. Quatre looked from Wu Fei to Heero to Duo in confusion. Trowa gently slipped Duo's drink out of his hand and took a sip. He had never had cognac before, but the smell alone was enough to tell him that he wasn't likely to have it again, either.

"How... how is that even possible?" Duo stuttered, still shell-shocked.

Quatre blushed bright red. "Well, most of our children were artificially conceived and gestated. Like I was."

"But," Duo took back his drink from Trowa's slack grip, "I thought you resented your father for being born like that."

Quatre blinked twice, then dismissed it with a shake of his head. "It's important to me, culturally, to have a large family. Arab customs dictate that the leader of a strong house has a large family. I'm simply doing what must be done to maintain the Winner name."

"Aren't those customs outdated?" Duo took another drink, his voice only marginally accusatory. "I mean, how can you give your children the love and attention they deserve when there are so many?"

"Oh, we have wonderful governesses," Quatre beamed. "Each child is getting the best possible care. Even better than if I or my wife were caring for them!" Quatre smiled, turning to each of his friends to share the joke.

Duo smiled. "Of that, I have little doubt." He finished off his glass, and got up to get another. 

Quatre watched him with a dark, uncertain expression.

"I was surprised to hear that you two have been... cohabitating." Wu Fei leaned back in his chair, decisively changing the subject as he looked from Trowa to Duo. "That is certainly unexpected. I don't remember you two ever exchanging five words during the war. I suppose none of us have taken the path that was expected of us when we were fifteen."

Heero grunted, and Quatre sighed. "I certainly never expected it."

Duo downed half a glass of cognac, and grinned a little broadly. "That's life for ya. Always ready to throw ya the curveball."

Wu Fei smiled abruptly in appreciation. "That is most certainly true. I was... startled to hear some of the things that have happened since last we met. We should... keep in better contact. After all, there is no one in all of the United Earth Sphere that I trust as much as I trust the four of you. You challenged me and guided me through some of the worst days of my life; I hope you know that I would return the favor." Wu Fei kept looking from Duo to Trowa, his eyes stormy with passion.

Trowa felt his skin crawling. He felt cold, as if the bathroom tiles were pressing against his skin. He wanted Duo to say something. Duo was certain to say something. Trowa didn't like this silence; Duo needed to speak.

"Hey, Wu, don't think of it. Really." Duo grinned, loafing over to Wu Fei to put a hand on his shoulder. "We all go a little crazy sometimes, it's not the end of the world." Duo's voice was light and quick, and his hand left Wu Fei's shoulder almost as soon as he touched it. He flopped over to fall on the couch next to Trowa. "Anyway, we should just relax and enjoy the party while we can. Right? After all, pretty soon, they're gonna want us to march into the dining room and be perfect little gentlemen." Duo propped his chin up on Trowa's shoulder, grinning madly. "So we gotta have fun while we can."

Trowa felt an odd desire to kiss Duo right there, in front of Quatre, and Heero, and even Wu Fei, but he couldn't ascertain his own intentions, so he kept himself to himself.

Heero eyed Duo dangerously. "You're already pissed. Disgusting. You can't act like a reasonable human being for ten minutes straight, can you?"

"Straight?" Duo asked with a laugh. "I didn't think you'd like me straight, Heero." Duo winked at him, and Trowa was afraid that Heero planned to do something with his balled fists, but then a porter came to stand subserviently at Heero's arm. 

"Excuse me, Mr. Yuy? Her Highness requires your presence for the procession to dinner."

Heero's back was stiff, and he turned to the porter with menace. "Thank you, Smith."

Smith bowed to Heero, and then turned his eyes to the other men present. "Sirs, if you would please make your way to the dining room, we would be much obliged."

Heero left the room purposefully, without preamble. The remaining four went off more slowly, taking a moment to adjust their jackets and ties. Quatre went ahead to collect his wife, so Wu Fei, Trowa, and Duo went together to the dining room. 

They had been placed at the main table, with Duo right at Relena's side. It took a long while for all of Relena's guests to file in; politicians from around the world, representatives of every major political party or movement, religious leaders, scholars, military and scientific representatives, journalists, artists, and citizens of Sanc lucky enough to get invitations filled the tables sumptuously laid out for a grand feast. 

Two days before Christmas, and the eve of the end of all wars, and everyone in the world seemed to be gathered into one great hall, festooned with reams of shimmering fabric, candles, and ice sculptures. The tables were decorated in silver, the pale white china rimmed in silver, and the cut crystal catching the light in a million different ways.

The chatter and music died as Relena and her fiancé were introduced to the room. Relena wore a gown of silver, a mature design that hung straight down to her feet, with a long slit up the right leg. Her hair was pulled back, and her makeup was perfectly designed to highlight her cheekbones and the color of her eyes. She was radiant, in the center of her world.

Heero walked stiffly next to her, staring straight ahead. He had been changed, so that his waistcoat and tie matched Relena's dress. He was dressed perfectly, and he looked completely out of place.

The dinner began right after Relena said a few words of welcome, and as the dinner began, the wine began to flow. Duo's glass was never empty, but it certainly wasn't from a lack of his trying. The food came out on glass dishes, each course being swept away just as the last fork was placed down, quickly to be replaced by the next course. 

Duo and Trowa ate less than a quarter of one meal between them, but no one seemed to notice. Duo kept up lively conversation, more than once eliciting loud laughter from Her Majesty. There were bound to be rumors before the night was out, and Trowa would have been very surprised if the tabloids didn't suggest that Duo and Relena were going to run away to have a love child by the next morning. 

He didn't mind. He was seated between Duo and Wu Fei, and he had very little to do but push the food around on his plate and keep Duo upright. Duo was vibrant, in the way that Trowa remembered from the war; only on this night, he was able to enjoy Duo's tireless cheer.

Even though he knew that it was little more than a mask, it was as appropriate as anyone else's façade.

During the dessert, there were speeches. Important person after important person got up and spoke over the murmur of conversation in the room. Even Quatre got up and spoke, 'representing the Gundam Five,' and talking about the colonies' pursuit of self-determination.

It was all exceptionally boring, but Duo would make a face or just look at Trowa from time to time, and Trowa knew exactly what Duo was thinking at all times.

Trowa and Duo left as soon as the speeches were over. Duo could barely walk, so Trowa kept his arm around Duo's waist as they left, supporting him. He heard the word 'colony' from a few people as they passed, and since Duo stuck his tongue out, he assumed that he was right and they weren't talking about politics.

He had to be directed to their room, as neither had been there yet. They got lost in the maze of halls that lead to the guest housing, but there was always a cheerful but demure servant at the ready. Duo was half asleep as Trowa dragged him into their bedroom.

Their suitcases had already been unpacked for them, which Trowa felt was an intrusion, but he shook it off quickly. Duo flopped on his back on the bed, and Trowa undressed him affectionately.

He didn't mind that Duo had gotten drunk and passed out. He almost liked it, really. He couldn't tell why. 

It felt defiant.

He had spent too much time with Quatre, and his casually judgmental preconceptions. It was... liberating, to have chosen to be with the one person Quatre disapproved of the most.

Trowa got a wet washcloth, and washed Duo down a little, to alleviate some of the smell. It occurred to Trowa that he was completely over Quatre, now, but he didn't dwell on it.

As usual when Duo was drunk, he slept noisily. Trowa didn't mind. He slipped into the bed, naked. Duo woke up, groggy, as Trowa tried to arrange them. Grinning up at Trowa, Duo tried to be seductive. "Heeeey, Tro."

"Hey, Duo."

"Wanna do it?" Duo threw his arms clumsily around Trowa, obstructing his efforts at getting them both under the covers.

"You won't be able to," Trowa reminded kindly.

"Ah, thas ok. Just do what Heero'd do - flip me over and do whatever. I won't mind. You always use plenta lube. Heh. Trowa." Duo grinned up at Trowa, unable to maintain his grip on Trowa's neck. 

It was almost endearingly cute.

Trowa kissed Duo's forehead, his cheek, and his neck. "We should both be grateful that I'm not Heero. Let's go to sleep."

Duo was out almost immediately, and Trowa pulled Duo's body on top of his own. He petted Duo's hair, and once again he thought that maybe he could unwind the braid now, when Duo wasn't awake and wouldn't be awake for hours. He could run his fingers through Duo's long, long hair, and feel it filling the space between his fingers, feel the texture of it as he rubbed it between his forefinger and thumb.

The fantasy of Duo's hair lulled him to sleep.

* * *

  


Duo hid beneath the covers in the morning, and Trowa sighed. He agreed to 'fetch' breakfast for the two of them, promising that Duo's share would be a vat of coffee. 

Trowa felt self-consciously underdressed as he wandered the halls of the palace in his slacks and shirt. It had been ten years ago today that he had found evidence of Dekim Barton on the colony the circus had been performing in.

He decided that he would find a 'phone and call Catherine. She deserved to hear from him today.

Before he could find where breakfast was being served, he ran into a servant of Relena's who directed him to a private dining room she was _sure_ Her Highness wanted the 'Gundam Five' to eat in. Trowa felt forced to follow her directions, as she recommended he go in a direction almost completely opposite to that in which he had been headed. Trowa wasn't sure if he wanted to go to a private dining room with Quatre and Relena and Heero, but as he had little choice, he merely submitted to it.

Arriving, however, things were not as bad as he had suspected. The room appeared empty, so Trowa quickly started to fill a plate to take back to their room.

Fate was not with him, however. Just as he was pouring out the coffee, Relena entered.

"Trowa! Oh, I'm so glad that you're here! And, we have the room to ourselves!" Relena bounced over to Trowa, her happiness glowing off of her. "Where's Duo?"

Trowa repressed a sigh, and hoped that Relena was still fixating on Duo. "He was not quite ready to face the day."

Relena smiled, and she reminded Trowa of Catherine. "I'm not surprised. I think he drank half the wine in Europe last night."

Trowa raised an eyebrow. "Only half? He'll be disappointed."

Relena grinned, and took Trowa's arm. "He'll have plenty of time to make up for it; now sit with me. We need to talk. 

"There are things I want to know about Duo. And things I can tell you that you may not know about him."


	8. Chapter 8

Relena was wearing a soft pink pantsuit with a string of pearls around her neck. She looked every bit the world leader that she was, but more than that she really looked like an adult, in a way that Trowa had never considered. They had gone to have their breakfast in a small nook off from the room where the breakfast buffet had been set up so that they would have privacy. The room was essentially a large window with a table before it, looking out over the exquisitely trimmed garden maze. 

Trowa placed his plate on the table reservedly. He had not intended to actually eat this food; he had gotten it for Duo. He had not intended, in fact, to speak to anyone. He had the perfect excuse to get away from any social obligations that might have reared their ugly heads. After all, someone had to take care of Duo. 

There was something so confident in Relena's demeanor, he felt drawn along almost magnetically. Even the suggestion that she might be able to shed light on Duo's behavior was enough to entice Trowa to pretend to eat breakfast.

Relena smiled at Trowa, presumably to set him at ease, but it only made him clench his teeth. He didn't have anything to say to her, and he thought that maybe she was waiting for him to speak.

"I'll be blunt with you, Trowa, since we don't know each other that well. I know you've had problems with depression in the past, so I hope you won't be offended if I ask how you and Duo are doing?" Relena politely sliced her sausage into small bites. Trowa found himself fascinated by the gentile dissection.

"What is it that you know about Duo?" Trowa pushed some eggs around on his plate, sorting the crumbles of scrambled eggs into three distinct piles.

Relena sighed nearly imperceptibly, and ate a piece of sausage. "I suppose the main question is, how much do you know about Duo? But I won't ask you that... I just. I would really like to know. How is he doing? Is he still clean?"

Her eyes were so perfectly clear, like crystals floating in milk. Her face was blank and expressionless. The only emotion she conveyed was the tightly reigned concern in her voice.

Trowa found himself caving to it instantly. 

Delaying the inevitable, he contemplated a danish. "He drinks. Smokes. Goes out. Takes E... maybe more, I don't know that much about drugs."

Relena's shoulder's slumped in a way that could only be described as regal. "I see."

Trowa examined her face carefully for signs of judgment. After a moment, he nodded, and looked down at his coffee. It was black in way that he found disturbingly soothing. 

Relena took a sip of her tea carefully, as if it were too hot. "I had hoped... Does Duo still... Do he and Heero still...?"

"Not since he moved in with me." Trowa was amazed at the sound of his own voice. He didn't even sound upset.

"Well, that's good. I had hoped..." Relena's eyes drifted, her gaze turning to the garden vista. There was a wistfulness to her tone that made Trowa stop and look at her. 

She really was an effective leader. She just had an unconscious ability to make people pay attention to her.

"I had hoped that things would have been... different... between them. I had hoped..." Relena sighed, and put her hands in her lap. "It seemed like they were such a good match."

Trowa didn't respond. He turned to look outside as well, somewhat disgusted by the excess of sunshine that was just beaming around everywhere. Just the idea of Duo and Heero together made his stomach clench.

"I had thought that maybe they could, I don't know, help each other... Well, that's not the way things turned out, is it? They aren't exactly good for each other." Relena's eyes fell to her hands in her lap, her voice strained.

Trowa narrowed his eyes, directing his ire at a garden gargoyle. "No. I thought _you_ were interested in him."

Relena turned her attention back to the table, straightening as she tried to laugh it off. "Oh, well... A girl can be forgiven for her childish infatuations, can't she? At any rate, I knew... I knew as soon as I saw Heero's eyes after he recovered from his injuries from the Barton incident. He and I... just aren't compatible."

She seemed willing to move on, but something vindictive in Trowa made him press the issue. "But you are engaged."

Relena blushed right down to her roots. "Ah, yes, well... He is doing me a favor. It is... generous of him, I suppose, but it is also, in a way, no more than he owes me."

Trowa hid his intrigue jealously. "He owes you?"

She joined her hands, tenting her arms and resting her chin on her knuckles. Smiling coyly, she sighed. "That's part of a long story. But tell me... You and Duo are in therapy together, right? Has he talked to you, or in sessions, about his past, about how his troubles started?"

"Troubles?" Trowa's eyes pierced into Relena's relentlessly. "I think those began when he was orphaned as a toddler on the streets of L2."

Relena flushed again, which caused her to lose the look of authority and maturity. "I meant... well, obviously, but I was referring... Oh, dear, I'm doing this all wrong, aren't I?" She shifted in her seat and rearranged her napkin on her lap. "Let me start over again.

"It began five years ago. There was a movement in the colonies to resurrect White Fang, at least politically. It was called True Justice. They believed that the accords that were signed after the war and the Barton incident were nothing more than continued efforts on the part of the governments of Earth to enslave the colonies. They wanted to continue the work my brother had done in White Fang, and gain the rights of self-determination for the colonies." Her voice was steady and direct, her eyes unblinking. Trowa had the uncomfortable sense that she was telling him something that was very important.

"Of course, the UESA Colonial Accords of AC 202 pretty much made the whole issue moot as it gave each colony all the rights and privileges of any nation. But, even though their goals had been accomplished, and the party disbanded, there was still funding being funneled into the organization. Commander Une decided to launch an investigation, which discovered that..." Relena's eyes became distant, and her hands moved absently over the tablecloth. "The political party was just a front so that they could get information.

"It was actually a cabal, a would-be triumvirate of men who had been leaders in White Fang. The man who was at the center, the instigator, was called Fabian Lestarte. He had been in White Fang, and before that, he had worked under my brother in Oz." Relena sighed just a little, her eyes shifting downward in some form of modesty.

Trowa nodded, his lips curling into a smile of understanding. "Your brother does have a habit of inspiring fanaticism."

This seemed to depress Relena, but Trowa could hardly be bothered with feeling guilty over telling the truth. "That is certainly true. This man Lestarte, he was conceivably the only person in the known universe who _actually_ believed that my brother to be dead." Trowa could not help smiling at that, and bolstered by the effectiveness of her little joke, Relena plowed onward with more energy. "He got together with two of his closest comrades from White Fang, a man named Julius Crane and another man named Crandall Desmond, and he plotted revenge for my brother's death. Naturally, he blamed _me_ for my brother's actions, and Commander Une's investigation found evidence that the cabal was planning on attacking me.

"Now, there are plenty of people out there who want me dead, and the Preventers are keeping an eye on all of them, but Lestarte was found to have obtained from various sources the makings of a dirty bomb, which he was keeping in New New York, where the Peace Summit Meetings were to be held to celebrate the Colonial Accords and help integrate the colonial governments into the UESA. Une decided that they could not wait for any judicial process.

"She signed an order for assassination." Relena sighed with acceptance, and she picked up her tea, draining the cup quickly. "She had no choice. There were just too many innocent lives in danger to worry about details. I suppose... If my brother had not been out of transmission range, he could have been called in, but... As I said, there were too many people in danger to be bothered with details.

"Heero was called in. He was an assassination expert. He was supposed to be the best for the job." Relena smiled, and Trowa was struck by how strange it was to see Relena being sardonic. "And he did his job well. He tracked them down, found their hideout, tracked and recorded their movements... He was ready for the kill. He had them in his sights, and he was ready to take them all down in three quick shots, Lestarte first. But..."

Trowa absently ate a forkful of eggs. More than the story, the tone of her voice and the way her eyes drifted over the table entranced him. She had become so mature, but she was still the same girl he had known in the war. There was a trace of disillusionment in her voice, and Trowa felt an unaccountable kinship with her. He had once had Heero Yuy on a pedestal as well.

Relena's eyes were distant, a small warmth making her cheeks plump as she spoke. "He had sworn that Mariemaia was the last person he was ever going to kill, and he couldn't bring himself to kill again, even though he knew it was necessary. He couldn't stop himself, though, before he pulled the trigger, so instead he jerked the gun so that he would miss the target. He didn't kill anyone.

"But he did alert them to his presence." Relena sighed heavily. "After that, they became impossible to find. They had bunkered themselves in their hideout, and there was no way to get to them without going in.

"The Preventers' needed an expert in infiltration and execution, someone who could slip in unseen and get past some of the best security in the world." 

Relena's voice got slower, betraying a weariness that suggested a sense of guilt. Trowa felt something dark eating at his gut. 

"Duo did jobs for the Preventers, often ones that were completely top secret. Given his past, he was the most logical choice. Chang Wu Fei was never good at stealth, and no one else would was 100% reliable was available." Relena took a deep breath, and smiled wryly. "He was perfect.

"And he did the job, perfectly. Within four days of being assigned, and two days before the Peace Summit Meetings, he was able to bring down all three of the conspirators, and he took down their headquarters, which was an abandoned office complex in a run down section of town."

Relena seemed to be holding back tears, which puzzled Trowa, though not enough to actually try to comfort her or speak. He waited patiently for Relena to compose herself, while slowly eating more eggs.

"Afterwards, though, he seemed to be in shock. It was an unpleasant mission, and he had had to kill three people in cold blood..." She cleared her throat, and shook her head, a small smile turning up the corner of her lips. "He was so... heroic. But the toll... the toll had been great. He became withdrawn, he refused to talk about his mission in any detail, and he was alternately hostile and defensive. It was at this time that he and Heero met again for the first time since the end of the last war. At first, I had hopes that the two of them could heal the wounds the wars and their lives had left them with, but... Heero was so angry, with himself for failing in his mission, and with Duo, for completing the mission. And Duo... Duo seemed to _want_ to be punished." 

She made a girlish show of dabbing at her eyes with her lace handkerchief. Trowa swallowed down his disgust with some cold toast. An unreasonable anger bubbled inside of his chest. She had caused Duo pain, and made Duo the man he was today. Unwittingly, of course, but that didn't excuse her. Oh, it had been that terrorist, of course, but it had been protecting _her_ that got Duo into trouble. It was always about her protection, and Trowa couldn't help but feel that if she were less feeble, a lot of trouble could have been spared.

"They... they became involved, but there was obviously... obviously something wrong. And the longer they were together, the... the worse it seemed to get. And then it became clear that Duo was using." Relena sighed, her shoulders shaking as if she were holding in sobs.

Trowa tossed his napkin down on the table, sick of listening to her babble. 

"I pushed Une to offer him a permanent position with the Preventers once Hilde fired Duo for losing his license. There was... an accident. So, you see, I'm responsible for the troubles Duo has had recently, and I want you to know... I want _him_ to know... anything I can do, anything at all, to help, please, all either of you have to do is ask. He's my hero, you know?"

She tried to smile at him, but Trowa's eyes were narrowed dangerously. "He's your hero, is he? I suppose a good pacifist needs someone like him, a garbage collector, as it were, to take care of the unpleasant things in life. Doesn't really matter what he's gone through to ensure your safety, as long as you and your powerful friends can lead a peaceful life, the torment of the people who built that peace is secondary, right?" Trowa's voice was unusually lively, and he felt like he was unwinding a bit as he spoke. He closed his mouth into a tight line when he had his peace, unwilling to let go any more.

"Oh!" Relena's eyes widened, and her hand drifted to her mouth, her shock evident. "No, that's not what I meant at all!" She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her actions erratic. "No, no, that's not what I meant at all! I meant, he _knew_ , you see? He _knew_ what he was getting into, what it would cost him, and he did it anyway. He didn't do it for me, he did it for _peace_ , for the people... because someone had to, and he didn't want anyone else to have to suffer. _That's_ why he's my hero, because he's just so... so... _noble_. I mean, really noble. I'm sorry, I'm not being very coherent..."

Trowa struggled for a moment, looking to the ceiling as he resisted the inevitable. "No, I'm sorry. I made an unfounded assumption."

Relena's whole body bled relief. "I don't know if there is anything I can do, but please, remember, if there _is_ anything, just... just ask, all right?"

Trowa spared a moment to look her in the eye. She was desperate, begging him. He sighed. "I can't promise you anything. I don't know... I don't know if he wants anyone to _help_."

"I know. But if something comes up, anything at all...?" She leaned forward in her seat, pushing her stomach against the edge of the table so that her chest was practically in her plate.

Trowa looked away, annoyed. "We'll see."

Relena smiled brightly, as if he had just promised to grant her all her wishes for the next fifty years. "Thank you! Here, let me give you my card...I'll write my private number so that you can reach me at any time at all...Here." She wrote down the number quickly, and then handed him the card with a grin. 

He took it resignedly. "Thank you."

She stood up, and walked around the table to kiss Trowa on the cheek.

Trowa was so stunned, he remained seated for the whole procedure.

"Thank you, Trowa. I really hope... Well, I hope that you and Duo are both happy. I think..." She blushed, her cheeks like apples as she smiled. "I think you two are very sexy together." She winked at him, and then rushed out of the breakfast nook, moving quickly as she chuckled to herself.

Trowa just sat there, stupefied.

Scowling, he stood up and gathered up what remained of Duo's bagel and danish. This morning had not gone as he had planned.

He kept to the shadows and walked quickly through the halls, hoping not to be caught again. Relena had confused him, and he needed time to process. 

There had been a mission, and Duo had succeeded where Heero had failed. That explained a lot. Duo had gone into some sort of shock afterward, and had become a junkie. That explained less, although Trowa supposed that other people might be less blasé about murder than he was.

Relena considered Duo a hero. 

Trowa found himself not disagreeing with that.

When he opened the door to their room, he found that there was an odd tingling beneath his skin. He needed to touch Duo, to hold him, and to fuck him madly.

The room was full of filtered sunshine, the thin curtains still drawn, though the thick brocades had been pulled back. Duo was flat on his stomach on the bed, just as Trowa had left him, his messy braid trailing like a snake losing its skin over his back. At the sound of the door opening, Duo groaned, and shifted as if he were trying to turn over, but not quite making it.

Trowa put the rolls down on the table next to the bed, and crawled over Duo, flopping on the other side of the bed with relish, stretching his legs out in front of him. Leaning on his elbow, he looked down at Duo, lightly running his fingers around Duo's hairline, pushing the thick braid off to the side.

One sleepy eye cracked open, and Duo grinned up at Trowa with half his face. "Took you long enough. Didja bake those danishes yourself? Didja hafta track down real Danish people?"

Trowa smiled gently, suddenly very fully aware of Duo's nudity, and his scarred beauty. His fingers moved to trace Duo's tattoo, and he watched with abject wonder. 

Duo sighed sleepily. "Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Barton?"

Trowa did not respond verbally. He let his hands drift down the skin of Duo's flanks, and he tasted the skin over Duo's spine with a long, wet lick. 

Duo woke up with a groan. "Oh, you _better_ be seducing me..."

"Now, why would I want to do that?" Trowa put his hands on Duo's hips, and opened his mouth, putting his tongue and his teeth on Duo's ass, sucking gently on a large mouthful.

Duo nearly flipped over, except for Trowa's control of him. "Now you damn well _better_ be seducing me!"

Trowa rested on his side, grinning at Duo as he lazily ran his hands over Duo's ass. "Don't you think we should get dressed? I think there were planned activities on the agenda."

"The only planned activity on your agenda is screwing me, boy." Duo sat up, grabbing for Trowa's wrists. "And you are way too overdressed as it is."

Trowa wrestled with Duo, slipping out of his grip and pinning flipping him over, pinning him to the bed as he held Duo's hands above his head. Duo squirmed under him, arching his back to push his erection into Trowa's pants. "Please, Trowa."

Trowa looked down into Duo's eyes, wide and vibrantly colored. Duo's skin was flushed, begging to be touched and tasted and kissed and sucked. Duo's hair trailed off the bed, wildly out of place. Duo's long, slim neck was arched, the lines of his trachea visible, his Adam's apple bouncing as he swallowed hard. Duo's nipples were peaked and bright pink. Duo's legs were attempting to wrap around his waist, wriggling like the tentacles of an octopus as they enveloped him. Trowa kissed Duo's arms beneath the wrist, kissed the inside of his elbows, kissed his shoulders, along his collarbone, up his neck, his chin, and then his mouth, sucking on Duo's lips and tongue. "I am very pleased, yes." Trowa's voice was unrecognizably throaty, and his body shook with his emotion.

Duo laughed, a manic, breathy sound. He arched and thrashed in Trowa's hands. "Oh, yeah, baby, please, please, please, let go, let me take your clothes off..."

Trowa grinned. "No." He pushed his tongue in Duo's mouth, and lay his body down on Duo's naked flesh. Duo groaned, and ground himself against Trowa's body. Trowa ran one hand down Duo's flank, and in between Duo's legs. 

Duo screamed as Trowa took a hold of his balls gently, and then Duo dug the top of his head into the mattress as he arched his hips even higher up into Trowa's hips. Trowa pushed his hand back, and circled Duo's anus with his thumb.

"Do you want me?" Trowa spoke into Duo's ear, keeping his voice as level as he could.

" _Please_ , damn it, Trowa, fuck!" Duo writhed, throwing his leg around Trowa's waist, digging his heel into the small of Trowa's back.

"Fuck, Duo?" Trowa pulled up, groaning, and used his free hand to open his pants. He pulled Duo up, flush against his chest, and threw Duo's arms around his neck. Duo helpfully began to chew on his neck, which did incite Trowa into sitting up on his knees, pulling Duo's hips against him. 

"Lube?" Duo panted, opening the buttons on Trowa's shirt quickly. 

Trowa grunted, and leaned back long enough for Duo to finish opening his shirt and for him to grab the lube and condoms off the nightstand. Trowa pushed his shoulder blades against the wall above the headboard, and he pushed his pants down to his knees. Duo put his knees on the pillows, straddling Trowa's waist, and quickly lubed up Trowa's cock and his anus.

Trowa pushed into Duo, and Duo pushed down into Trowa. There was sound, and heat, and sensation. Trowa dug his fingers into Duo's hips, and opened his mouth to scream, though no sound came out. He thrust against Duo's body, and his brain prickled with the perfection of the friction.

Duo moved like a wild man. Trowa's eyes were closed tightly, but he could feel Duo's panicked movements. He could taste Duo's sweat. He pushed into Duo's body, and he felt like Duo was seeping into his own.

When he came, he made a noise like a balloon deflating slowly. It was a pristine moment.

He opened his eyes.

Duo was draped over his chest, his sweaty hair sticking to Trowa in thin threads. Duo was heaving, unable to suck enough air into his lungs, his hands on Trowa's arms weakly.

"I'm awake now, Tro."

"Good."

"Kinda hungry for breakfast now."

"It's there on the table."

"Yeah."

"Duo?"

"Uh-huh?"

"I talked to Relena. That's what took so long."

"Oh?" Duo tensed minutely. "What'd ya talk about?"

Trowa sighed, letting the bad air drain out of him. "I think she thinks about us naked."

Duo smiled, and then he started to laugh.

Trowa closed his eyes, and slept.

* * *

  


Duo's wardrobe continued to amaze Trowa. Today, he was bedecked in a black velvet jacket that went down to his knees, a black silk shirt, and black pants of some shimmering material that begged for Trowa to touch it. He did, several times, before they left their rooms, but when the afternoon started to edge its way to the evening, Trowa decided it was time to leave the protection of their rooms. 

There were planned activities spanning the whole day, but naturally, they were all voluntary. Most people seemed to prefer to lounge around the many private sitting rooms in the palace and talk. Without question, there were dozens of political and financial deals being made as Trowa and Duo made their way around the hallways, looking to find someone else that they knew.

Trowa steered them to the billiards room, figuring that since the 'group' had been having such a great time there yesterday, there was a good chance that they were there again today.

Duo had his hands in his pockets as he walked, and he was whistling quietly under his breath. It was a soft, off-tune, breathy sound that annoyed and excited Trowa at the same time. He retaliated by staring straight ahead and ignoring Duo completely.

It didn't bother Duo nearly as much as Trowa would have liked, but he didn't care enough to try harder.

They got to the billiards room with little difficulty, asking only one maid for directions. As Trowa had expected, the room was occupied entirely with people from their former group of allies. Sally and Wu Fei were currently holding court at the table, and Miss Noin and Quatre were chatting politely in the corner as they watched. 

Duo smiled and waved, offering a cheery hello, which was returned by Sally and Wu Fei. Quatre's gaze immediately went to Trowa in something that appeared to be reproach, and Miss Noin's back stiffened, and she made a quick exit.

Trowa watched her go without interest. Noin was someone that he never thought about, and therefore had no emotional reaction to at all. Sally scowled as she left, and Wu Fei looked honestly confused.

Quatre turned to Duo. "What was that about?"

"Why are you blaming me?" Duo asked with some amusement. "Maybe it's Trowa she objected to."

Quatre looked as if he seriously did not believe that to be possible.

Duo shrugged, moving quickly to the small bar on the left side of the room. "I don't know what her problem is. Miss Noin hasn't liked me for a while. I don't know, maybe it's because she's so protective of Relena, and she feels like, somehow, I'm a bad influence or something. Maybe she's just a bit leery, because of where I'm from. Or," Duo affected a thoughtful look as he poured himself a large glass of port. "Perhaps she's still upset about that time I gave Zechs a blowjob."

Wu Fei scuffed his cue over the green felt of the table, blowing his shot, and Sally laughed so hard she nearly fell over. Quatre cried out, "Duo!"

Trowa inched closer, intrigued.

"What?" Duo asked Quatre, innocently. "Do you think that was it?"

Quatre's face was turning beat-red, and one could have been forgiven for mistaking him for an embarrassed virgin. "Duo! How could you? Have you no shame, getting involved with someone in a relationship? That's really crude, Duo."

Duo was not affected by Quatre's assessment of his moral character, but he did make a face at the port before he continued to drink. Trowa was now standing next to Duo, his arm stretched behind Duo on the bar. Duo answered Quatre as an afterthought to his bitterly sweet drink. "Well, Q, if Zechs was really that involved, wasn't _he_ the crude one, to drop his pants for the first person who came along?"

Quatre sputtered, and Trowa smirked. Leaning closer to his lover, Trowa asked casually, "So, Zechs. What was that like?"

Duo turned, a little surprise brightening his eyes. "Oh, I don't really remember that well. I was as high as a kite at the time. Why, you have a thing for the Lightning Count?"

Trowa shrugged, dismissively. "He's hot, I suppose. Just quite a conquest, really."

Duo poked Trowa in the ribs, smiling wickedly. "You just want to know if you're bigger."

Trowa examined his fingernails absently. "Oh, do you remember that much at least?"

"This is not appropriate!" Quatre sputtered, his face red and his arms shaking at his sides.

Sally stopped laughing long enough to sigh. "Ah, Lu is a really a great person, Duo, but she does tend to get a bit irrational where that man is concerned. Sorry for the trouble."

"You don't need to apologize for her," Wu Fei snapped. "If she cannot keep her head level on her own, it is her own concern. That woman..."

Sally thwacked Wu Fei on the rear, causing him to miss another shot. "That wasn't a misogynistic comment again, was it, Fei-Fei?" Her eyes sparkled as she watched Wu Fei's face bloat with rage.

"Woman, I told you to stop calling me that! And I wasn't talking about all flighty, irresponsible, emotional women, just one! Now back off!" Wu Fei's hand was clutching the cue hard enough to crack it, and the end quivered from his rage.

Duo looked them over as he finished off the nasty port, grinning. "Wow. She's really got you wound up, Chang. I mean, it's great, really. There's an age difference there, but I've heard that older women really know their stuff, right?" He winked at Sally, who winked back, choking back her laughter.

" _Maxwell!!_ What are you suggesting?" Wu Fei was so horrified, he actually dropped his cue.

Trowa leaned forward and kissed Duo on the cheek. "I'm going to call Catherine. Wish her a happy Christmas."

Duo caught Trowa's wrist before he could leave. "Give her a thrill, why don't ya, and actually sit in front of the damned camera for a change."

Trowa smirked, and walked out as Quatre started to lecture Duo.

He went to find a servant, rather than a 'phone, as he didn't want to take a liberty that wasn't being offered. In the main hall, there was a butler who was able to direct him to a communications room. Trowa sat down at the desk, flicking the 'phone on, and looked around a bit nervously.

He wasn't thinking at all about the fact that he was following Duo's order automatically, but he wasn't entirely comfortable in the small room. The walls were paneled with dark wood, and the ceiling was painted a warm brown. It was confining.

He fumbled as he tried to dial the number, not remember the exchange properly because he was so used to using the programmed dial on his home system. He had to go through the directory to be sure that he was getting the right number, and he had to wait for it to ring six times before she answered.

He was so startled by her face popping up on the screen, that he didn't say anything in greeting.

"Trowa!" Catherine was stunned as well, staring at her 'brother' for long moments before she could react. "Trowa!! What a wonderful surprise! You look good; you look great, actually. Wow, you're hair has gotten long, hasn't it? How are you, are you having a good Christmas break?"

Trowa rubbed his palms over his thighs, nervous. "Catherine. Happy Christmas."

"Thank you!" Catherine was beaming brighter than the gaudy tree in the corner of her trailer. "It's so good to _see_ you and hear from you, Trowa. It's been too long."

Trowa shifted in his seat, trying to get comfortable. "I would have come to visit you for the holiday, maybe, but this thing came up..."

"Oh, man, would I love to be there with you! All those famous, important people... Remember that you are one of them, Trowa, and represent the colonies well. I know... I know you don't really consider them home, but we are all very proud of you here, so please remember that."

Trowa nodded, keeping his head ducked down.

"How is Duo? He's there with you, right?" Catherine leaned forward, smiling eagerly. 

Trowa smiled just a little. "Yes. He's... good."

"If you had come to visit, I could have met him properly." Catherine sounded wistful. "I know that I wasn't... supportive when you first told me about your relationship, but I suppose I still remember him as the boy who tried to get you back into the fighting of the war so long ago. You'd think that I would dislike Quatre, since he was actually successful, wouldn't you?" She laughed.

Trowa wasn't amused. "It was my choice, Catherine."

"I know." She sobered instantly. "I'm sorry, Trowa. I always say the wrong things, don't I?"

He shook his head carefully. "Not always."

She smiled at him brightly. "I'm glad that you called. Ten years already... hard to believe, isn't it?"

Trowa rubbed at his forearms absently, looking off to the left. "Yes."

"The Ringmaster still won't let us perform any time near Christmas, for fear of it." She laughed again, although it was clear that she didn't find it funny. "Peace is a good thing."

Trowa bit his tongue before he could reply. 

Catherine sighed, although Trowa could not tell over the 'phone line whether she was happy or not. "Thank you for calling, Trowa. I wouldn't have known how to get a hold of you myself."

Trowa nodded, and chewed on his lip. "It's... good to hear from you, too. Everything ok?"

Catherine took a deep breath as if she was preparing to launch into the whole story, and then she just let the breath out. Smiling, she replied, "Everything is great, Trowa."

He nodded. "Good."

"How are you, really?"

He didn't look at her. "Don't worry about me, Catherine. I'm taking care of myself now."

He didn't see how she responded, and it was a few moments before she spoke again. "I know, Trowa, but forgive me if I still worry about you. I love you, you know."

Trowa's chin dropped until it was nearly touching his chest. "Yes, I know."

Catherine sighed, content. "Well! We shouldn't take advantage of Her Majesty's generosity. Thank you for calling, Trowa, and I hope that you have a very happy Christmas indeed. Call me again on New Year's, all right?"

Trowa nodded, and smiled just a little for her. "Thank you. You, too. And I will."

"Love you, Trowa..." Catherine waited for him to disconnect, which he did with a small amount of reluctance.

He stayed in front of the monitor until he could stand up confidently. 

He wandered around the hallways a little, not heading for the billiard's room directly. It was totally by accident that he ran into Duo as he turned a blind corner.

Duo grinned, seemingly expecting to find Trowa right there. "Hey, finally. We're supposed to go to some picture thing or something." Duo rolled his eyes. "Heero came to inform us, and then throw in how disappointed he was in us for breathing." Duo rolled his eyes with a grin, taking Trowa's arm loosely.

Trowa let himself be led, although he felt as though his body was leaden. "Pictures?" Trowa wished that Duo had picked out his clothes, so that he would feel as confident as Duo looked.

Duo just sighed. "It's no big deal. Some press thing. Afterwards, there is this reception thing before the big dinner thing, and then another night of boredom thing. Hopefully, they'll have better liquor."

Trowa nodded abstractly, and followed Duo's lead unquestioningly.

It was chaos, directed by a photographer. 

They were posed and positioned. There was much chatter as they each dutifully got into place, but it was the harried noise of people being shepherded into an order that was not their own. Heero scowled and held up each photograph until the photographer finally accepted the fact that he wasn't going to smile. Quatre kept making weak jokes that he expected people to laugh at, and Wu Fei's patience got thinner and thinner until the photographer feared him as much as he feared Heero.

Duo kept casually slipping his hand down the back of Trowa's pants unobtrusively.

Finally, most of them were dismissed and only Relena, Heero, and some dignitaries were left behind for more pictures, and they made their way, en masse, to the reception.

Duo went straight for the tables of champagne. Trowa trailed after him, mostly because Quatre was trying to get him to go in the opposite direction. Duo downed one glass quickly, and snagged a few more as he stepped away. Trowa took one glass, simply so that Duo didn't have to hold both of them at once.

Wu Fei had gone to join the small knot of people from the Preventers, and Trowa saw that Commander Une was there with a girl that must have been Mariemaia. Quatre had his arm around the thin waist of an extravagantly elegant young woman of strikingly exotic Arabian features. 

Duo nudged Trowa with his elbow and indicated the direction of his gaze by jutting out his chin. "Is that Quatre's wife?"

Trowa did not sigh, because he clamped his jaw shut in response. "Yes."

"Hm, she's pretty." Duo sounded distracted. "Pity he doesn't feed her. I don't think that's very nice."

Trowa lowered his head to prevent any possible humor from being expressed.

"Either that, or she's a heroine addict, in which case I think it's not nice of her not to share." Duo sniffed, raising his chin and his nose in derision. "At the very least, Q could stop looking down his nose at me for enjoying pleasure."

Trowa put his hand on the small of Duo's back, and rubbed his thumb in a circle. "Let's go meet them."

Trowa had never met, or cared to meet, Quatre's wife. She was considered to be quite a prize, and a coup for the young heir to the Winner fortune to have won. She had a PhD in astrophysics, and was a beauty queen in her youth.

She was perfect for Quatre in almost every way, and Trowa resented her for every virtue.

He slipped his arm around Duo, and squeezed his hand on Duo's hip, pulling Duo closer. Duo complied easily, and Trowa imagined that Duo understood perfectly what he was thinking. They waited patiently for Quatre to have a free moment from the throng that automatically swarmed around him.

As pleased as Quatre was to have Trowa coming over to visit with him, he was overtly less pleased to see Duo there as well. Good breeding overruled poor judgment, and he treated both of his former comrades relatively the same.

"Trowa! Duo. Please, let me introduce you to my wife, Malakeh. My dear, this Trowa Barton, the first person I ever met who could pilot a Gundam excepting myself. And Duo Maxwell, another ally." Quatre released his wife's hand to Trowa with a grin, his eyes shining as brightly as a child who was hoping that an old friend and a new friend would become fast friends themselves.

Trowa took her hand, and not knowing what protocol might be in this situation, merely squeezed it as he bowed briefly. As soon as he had released her hand, Duo took it, bowing fully from the waist to kiss her hand on the knuckles.

"My lady," he murmured quietly, "it is a great pleasure to meet you. I trust your parent's feel their high hopes for you have been met."

Malakeh started, and then blushed with pleasure. "Thank you, sir." She smiled at Quatre, putting her hand on Quatre's arm demurely. "No one has ever made me feel more like a queen than my king, and husband."

"How..." Duo smiled, too brightly and too effusively to be real, and Trowa cleared his throat to keep from smirking in response to Duo's sarcasm, "sweet. Love is such a beautiful thing, isn't it?"

Quatre's eyes narrowed, but again, his ability to detect and identify mockery was impeded by his lack of experience. "Thank you, Duo. I think we are both quite lucky to have found each other."

"Oh, I know what you mean," Duo replied, looking up at Trowa in a parody of adoration.

Trowa was definitely having a good time.

Quatre started to cough, leaving a confused Malakeh to pat him uselessly on the back while Trowa smirked. Duo cleared his throat diplomatically, and offered Quatre a black handkerchief, which he refused.

Wu Fei displayed an excellent sense of timing, and showed up with Sally at his elbow just then. Quatre reintroduced Malakeh to Wu Fei and Sally, and polite, inane chatter filled up the time until the dinner bell discreetly rang. 

Trowa watched as Duo managed to snag six glasses of champagne in that time. Quatre noticed too, and tried to give Trowa a sympathetic look, but Trowa purposefully did not acknowledge Quatre's glance.

The dinner was very much like the one the previous night, only the speeches were longer and more boring. Duo drank at least as much as he had before, but he was different. Whereas yesterday he had been jovial and bubbly, tonight he seemed restrained and bitter.

Trowa put his hand on Duo's thigh from time to time, squeezing gently, but he wasn't sure whether Duo found it comforting or not.

There was a grand ball as soon as the dinner was over, the music swelling loudly as the doors to the ballroom were opened. Relena and Heero ceremonially danced the first dance, although Heero looked supremely uncomfortable throughout. Halfway through the song, more couples joined them on the floor, including Quatre and Malakeh who glided effortlessly together, and the party was in full swing.

Duo would have been content to hold up a corner of the open bar with Trowa, but as soon as the first dance ended, Relena swept over determinedly and dragged Duo off for a dance. Trowa watched Relena's white sparkling gown sweep over the floor, brushed occasionally by the black of Duo's pants.

They actually made for a very attractive couple, and Trowa could see people murmuring from all around the perimeter of the dance floor, their eyes glued to the queen and her dance partner. Trowa imagined that by the time the ball was over, and they had all toasted for Christmas, there would rumors flying all the way out to L5. Perhaps when Relena was ready to retire from the public life, and break off her engagement with Heero, those rumors would resurface, and people would quietly come to the conclusion that Duo had broken up the Perfect Couple.

Trowa sipped Duo's gin and tonic nonchalantly. He considered how things might have turned out if a million little things were different. If Relena had been freer, and spent more time with Duo after his traumatic mission, if Heero had not gotten involved in Duo's life, perhaps then Duo would have fallen in love with Relena, and they would preparing for their real wedding.

The thought tied Trowa's stomach into a twisted knot, and he drank down the last of Duo's drink without pleasure. 

One dance ended, and another began. Sally dragged Trowa out onto the dance floor, and it was several dances later before he was able to extricate himself from the crowds and leave the dance floor again. He scanned the floor for Duo, but he saw no sign of a long black coat or braid, so he circled the room, keeping close to the walls to avoid attention as much as possible.

His eyes caught a flash of something intimately familiar, and he fixed his attention on the far corner of the ballroom. Heero's back was facing the room, but Duo's face was visible. Duo seemed quite consternated, and he was fidgeting as if he were keeping his eyes sharp for an escape. Heero was unavoidably aware of this, however, and he kept pressing Duo back, into a nook that lead somewhere that Trowa could not see.

Trowa narrowed his eyes, and made to follow, but he found his way blocked after he took only a few steps.

"Trowa!" Quatre brushed his bangs aside, beaming. "I was hoping I could take a few minutes of your time."

Trowa watched as Heero and Duo disappeared from view. "This isn't a good time, Quatre."

Quatre sighed, and wore that look that reminded Trowa of an impatient schoolteacher. "But it's never a good time, is it, Trowa?" He took Trowa's wrist, and determinedly headed off to a private room.

Trowa's wrist was getting pinched in Quatre's grip, and the only way for him to break free was to make a scene. He would have done so anyway, but a sense of defeat silently killed any intention of refusal.

Quatre lead them through the maze of people and hallways until he had located a small drawing room that was unoccupied. He sat down on the small, cushy sofa, pulling on Trowa's wrist so that he sat down next to him.

"Thank goodness," Quatre gushed, "I had begun to think that we would never get any time together."

Trowa did not react to Quatre's beaming expression.

"Trowa, I really want to talk to you. I've been... I've been so worried about you." Quatre put his hand on Trowa's thigh, and looked up at Trowa with what could only be described as watery eyes.

Trowa felt a bit repulsed, but he had no room to inch away from Quatre, nor could he bring himself to touch Quatre's hand to remove it. 

"I mean, I keep thinking about your... your... I keep thinking about, I mean, what had happened to you, and what _might_ have happened... And I can't help but feel like I'm responsible."

Trowa was immediately concerned with the possibility that Quatre might start crying on his shoulder.

Quatre picked up Trowa's hand, and caressed it between his own. "Trowa, the truth is, I still love you as much as I ever did."

Trowa did not doubt that in the least, although he was now uncertain as to what that meant about their relationship in the past. He gently pulled his hand out of Quatre's grasp, but that only caused Quatre to move even closer into Trowa's personal space.

"And I think about you all the time. I wish that we could... I wish that we could just bridge whatever gap there is between us, so that we could maybe _connect_ like we used to. Don't you miss that, Trowa?" Quatre was so earnest and needy, it almost reminded Trowa of what attracted him to Quatre in the first place. 

It was like looking down at the world from the sky. Everything made sense, but he was distanced from it. "I used to."

Quatre flinched, turning his face away as if he had been struck. "I've hurt you."

Trowa thought about it. "No." It was true, really. What he had expected and not gotten from Quatre was not his to expect. It wasn't that Quatre had hurt him; he had been hurt long before he knew Quatre.

"I have, and now there's this distance between us that I never wanted. And you're with Duo..." Quatre choked on his words, raising his hand to his mouth, overcome with emotion.

Oddly, Trowa envied Quatre's melodramatics.

"I just don't understand it. You and he... you have nothing in common. What could possibly draw you to him?" Quatre did not disguise his horror or his regret.

"He is great in bed." Trowa wasn't offering an excuse, but he did wish that he were here with Duo instead.

Quatre turned to face Trowa, folding one leg under him as he leaned over Trowa's body. "Give me another chance, Trowa, and I'll promise that I won't disappoint you this time." He put his hand on Trowa's heart, and leaned forward, putting his face right in front of Trowa's. "I can erase all your pain and doubt, and give you everything you ever wanted. Please, Trowa, just let me in..." Quatre leaned forward, his eyelids fluttering shut as puckered his pink lips for a kiss.

Trowa stood up and brushed his pants off compulsively. It made him sick in the deepest regions of his guts to think that there had been a time, not so long ago, when he lived from breath to breath waiting for Quatre to make just that offer. "I have to go. Please, don't... don't make something of this, Quatre." He turned and left immediately, still rubbing his hands over his pant legs.

He walked with erratic quickness, trying to remember the way back to the ballroom. There were more and more people littering the hallways, so Trowa kept his head down so that he wouldn't make eye contact with anyone. 

He needed to get far away from Quatre, and he wanted to find Duo. He didn't understand what Quatre expected of him. Did Quatre have other lovers? Did Malakeh know about Quatre's intention to attempt to seduce him? It made his thoughts swirl.

Trowa navigated his way through the halls, and slipped back inside the ballroom. The music was even louder than before, having transitioned from traditional swing band music to more modern music. People were clustered around tables, watching the packed dance floor. Trowa had more trouble pushing his way around now, and he had to keep his head up to look for Duo.

He started in the direction of the darkened nook that Heero had pushed Duo to, but he hadn't gotten very far when he noticed Heero sitting at a table, talking to Noin and a few of Relena's other advisors. Trowa stopped in his tracks, and turned around. 

Duo might have been in the middle of the dance floor, and it would have been difficult to see him there, but Trowa kept to the fringes of the room regardless. Near the bar, he saw Wu Fei and Sally talking with few other people Trowa recognized offhandedly as Preventer field agents. 

Sidling up along Wu Fei's open side, Trowa unobtrusively got the other man's attention. Wu Fei held up his index finger to excuse himself from the group, and turned to Trowa. 

"Have you seen Duo?" Trowa got straight to the point.

Wu Fei shrugged his shoulders. "No, I haven't. Is everything all right?"

Trowa shrugged noncommittally. "I'm sure." He wandered off, his eyes scraping over every inch of the ballroom.

Duo _could_ be dancing, but Trowa wasn't so sure of it. Duo certainly wasn't enjoying himself, and Heero had taken Duo off for some reason...

Trowa spied the open French doors that lead outside, and became intrigued.

There was a wide terrace with steps leading down to the garden where people who were tired and hot from dancing were congregating en masse. Trowa didn't bother to look for Duo amongst the crowd, but instead walked straight for the gardens.

It was already getting late, and the lights from the party and the palace were washed out by the darkness almost as soon as he entered the path to the delicately manicured English garden. The path was nothing more than flat, smooth stones placed near each other, leading off in a rambling but orderly web dissecting the garden. Trowa walked carefully, keeping his feet well within the limits of the stones, his eyes cast down to keep himself steady. The sky was black, so there must have been clouds, but the only evidence of them was visible on the fringes of where the moonlight shone. The darkness cloaked the garden so that all that was visible of the shrubbery were blotches of darkness lurking on the grounds.

It was comfortingly bleak.

Trowa had no direction to his steps, nor was he consciously seeking out Duo. When he heard a sound from a little deeper in the garden, he knew right away the source without surprise.

Duo was sitting on a bench, his hands clutching the bench behind him. He was stretched with his head thrown all the way back so that he could watch the sky. There was a bottle of something next to his right foot, and left foot shuffled quietly through the short grass.

He was completely still, and his face bore no expression. He was like a work of art, the sort that people puzzled over for centuries, trying to discern the workings of the mind of both artist and subject. He was painfully beautiful to Trowa.

"Lovely night for a walk." It was no surprise to Trowa that Duo was aware of his presence, and no apparent surprise to Duo that Trowa was there, although Duo did not abandon his perusal of the heavens. 

Trowa sat down on the bench next to Duo, careful not to come so close as to touch the other man. "So it appears."

Duo grinned, just the corners of his mouth moving, as he did when Trowa amused him. "Weren't you enjoying the dancing?"

"As much as you were." Trowa leaned back, very aware of where he was placing his hands in relation to where Duo's hands were.

Duo laughed, a sharp sound that pierced the quiet for just a moment, like a clap of thunder. "Ah, well, probably better that we're out here, anyway, eh? We're the types to make people uncomfortable, don't you think?" 

Trowa didn't care to follow along with that line of thinking. He had a feeling that it didn't lead anywhere. "Heero dragged you off."

"So he did."

"What did he want to talk to you about?"

Duo closed his eyes, and considered. "What did Quatre want to talk to you about?"

"He wanted to seduce me." Trowa didn't miss a beat.

Duo smiled, and leaned forward, picking up the bottle absently as he did. He moved as slowly and as deliberately as an old man. "Poor Q. He's had a tough life, you know."

Trowa snorted, and looked away. 

"I mean, everyone has their troubles," Duo continued to himself as he drank, "and I don't think anyone's troubles are diminished by wealth. But I also... Sometimes I don't think that Quatre is fully aware of how good he's had it."

Trowa took a deep breath, enjoying the crisp bite and freshness of the air. "Did you forget that I asked you about Heero?"

"No," Duo responded quickly, turning the bottle in his hand reflectively. "I did not."

There was a pause that became a lull until it reached a critical mass that Trowa recognized meant that he would have to wait for Duo to break the silence. He focused on the tightly massed branches of the bush next to him, and the way the glossy leaves seemed to reflect the night.

"I don't know, Tro, what do you think? Do you think that people have learned anything in the last ten years?" Duo was not looking at him, and Trowa had the half-formed suspicion that he wasn't talking to him either, but his name was used, so he tried to formulate an opinion.

"I think people are, for the most part, prosperous. So there is no reason for them to test the peace." Trowa pulled a leaf off of the bush, and pressed it between his fingers.

Duo stood up, stretching his arms out, holding the bottle above his head. "People are the same, though, aren't they? The same impulses and instincts and intuitions are informing their choices. Given the right stimuli, people will act the same as they always have, won't they? 

"People can't be taught to be peaceful. It isn't in their nature."

Trowa watched Duo intently, finding no compulsion to reply to the truth. "I take it then that you are enjoying the party."

Duo's laugh was bitter and honest. "I would enjoy it a lot more if I were high. Fuck."

Trowa flinched, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. He had no faculty with which he could assist Duo. "At least there's plenty of free liquor."

"It's like filling in a canyon with spoon. I can't keep up." Duo moved so that he stood apart from Trowa and the bench, his back facing the other man. 

Trowa examined Duo apathetically, his limbs comfortably still. "You don't want to start again, though, do you?"

"Do you?" The question hung out there, and Trowa almost welcomed how it cut him. "It's impossible, Tro. You get that better than anyone, right? It hurts _all_ the time. I can't be expected to live like this, can I?"

Perhaps it was the night, the blackness of it, the distant sound of revelers. Perhaps it was the time of year. Perhaps it was because they couldn't see each other that well from only a few feet away. Trowa rubbed his hands over his thighs, nervous with the rawness of Duo's voice.

"What else can we do, Duo? Maybe that's what the therapy is for, I don't know. But we can't keep... We have to keep going on."

Duo snorted and took a long drink from the bottle. "Going where, and to do what?"

Trowa eyed Duo critically. "You prefer the alternative?"

Duo shivered, an involuntary motion he quickly tried to hide. "No. I don't mean that. I just... want some release from this, you know?"

Trowa leaned over his hands clasped between his knees, and looked down at the nothing between his feet. "I know."

Duo sat down next to him, suddenly invigorated. "I crave it, you know, right down to the very center of every atom in my body. And I don't even fucking care right now if it's wrong or whatever the fuck. Like I'm supposed to take morality lessons from the example of people like Heero or Quatre. What the fuck do they know? They don't even fucking care. Whatever doesn't fit into their narrow little view of the world is just automatically wrong and evil, and they don't even fucking see what's really going on. Fuck. I would sell infants into slavery for something right now. Any fucking thing."

Trowa looked up at Duo, his face still down, his hair almost completely blocking his view of Duo. The pale, filtered moonlight and the reflection of the light from the party highlighted Duo's features, shading his face with light that served to exaggerate the bones and lines of Duo's face. 

He looked much older than he was.

"Did Heero want to have sex with you?"

Trowa didn't know why he had asked, but he didn't need to say it out loud to know the answer. The question that he didn't know the answer to - why Duo had said no - became too important for Trowa to risk asking. He succumbed to the desire to hurt Duo in the best way he knew how.

"Is this really all because of a mission? Because you had to kill three people?" It sounded like such a simple thing when Trowa said it, he believed that it was stupid. "What could have happened that would change you so much?"

Duo stood up jerkily and walked five steps away.

"Relena told me about it," he added superfluously. 

Duo snorted. "Relena doesn't know as much as she thinks she does."

Another pause drifted into a lull, and Trowa was hyperaware of how far away from him Duo was standing. He felt an oppressive need to make amends, although he didn't really feel any remorse. "I shouldn't have said that."

Duo made some sort of noise that expressed his opinion of that statement and he finished off the bottle, tossing it into the garden when he was done. It made a shattering sound that filled the night for the moment.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm sick of dancing for tonight. I mean, we should have just danced together before instead of around each other like this." Duo crossed his arms over his chest, and in his drunken state, he appeared petulant.

Trowa smiled to himself. "It would have been fun watching everyone else if we did."

Duo shook his head. "Fucking bigoted shits, all proud of themselves for crap they had nothing to do with and don't even fuckin' understand. I hate them all."

Trowa looked up at Duo, and for a moment, in the dark, they looked into each other's eyes, though neither could actually see the other's. 

Cocking his head to the side, Trowa pondered. "Were we going to have sex in the throne room?"

Duo started to laugh after a moment, and all the tension evaporated at the sound. Coming to sit on the bench, Duo put his hands out to touch Trowa. "Were you tempted by Quatre?"

Trowa answered, realizing abjectly that he could not ask Duo the same for the exact same reason that Duo was able to ask him. "No."

Duo kissed his lips, and for a moment all of Trowa's senses were consumed by the taste of Duo. Duo's fingers were on his face when their lips separated. "Do you know the way to the throne room?"

Trowa shook his head.

Duo shrugged. "Eh, who cares. Here is as good as there."

Trowa let Duo drag him down, pushing his back into the grass, his fingers and his lips ravenous for Duo. They were frantic and haphazard, fumbling with each other like virgins. When Duo peeled Trowa's clothes back, the cool night air rushed over his skin, and Trowa felt cold as Duo pressed his body against his. Duo's eyes were only inches away, but Trowa couldn't read Duo's expression at all.

Trowa could only clutch at the hair at the base of Duo's head, Duo's braid falling to the side, a heavy weight on Trowa's arm. 

They moved against each other out of sync, no rhythm making a pattern to their passion. There was only Duo's hair between Trowa's fingers, and Duo's hand cushioning the back of Trowa's head, and Duo's body over and under and in Trowa's, and Trowa's body under and over and around Duo's, their bellies rubbing together, their noses bumping, and their eyes no more than an inch or two apart ever.

Trowa pulled Duo closer to him, their chests both heaving and the space between Trowa's legs messy, warding off the chill with Duo's skin. He loathed the idea of getting dressed again, and of sleeping in the garden.

"Do you think there will be a time when we won't want each other? When I'll touch you, and nothing will happen? When whatever biochemical reaction is behind the way you excite me becomes less responsive, and we lose the verve for it?" Duo spoke with a small voice right against the skin of Trowa's neck, and Trowa had no way of responding except to take Duo's braid in his hand and kiss Duo's temple.

He hoped that they passed a lot of guests, including Heero and Quatre, when they went back inside.

* * *

  


There was no sun in the morning. A Christmas rain was predicted for the afternoon, and the morning was cloudy and as dark as dusk. Trowa pulled the sheet and blanket back so he could touch Duo's bare skin, tracing the pattern of his tattoo with his fingertips. 

It was a pleasant way to wake up for him.

Duo's braid was a mess, as he hadn't brushed it last night when they got back to the room, so it looked like the braid might fall apart at any minute. Trowa delicately moved it around to avoid damaging it, doing his best to keep it intact even as he played with the wisps of hair that released themselves from the confines of the braid. After a while, Duo's skin got cold, and even though he was nearly shivering, he kept his eyes squeezed shut, refusing to wake up.

Trowa did not push it. It was Christmas morning, and there were big plans for the day, but neither Trowa nor Duo wished to participate, so they could lay abed a few hours more and there would be no harm. 

Duo turned over, flipping his braid over his shoulder with an exasperated sigh, and burrowed into Trowa's naked belly. Duo's arm snaked over Trowa's midsection, and Trowa ran his hand up and down the length of it. Duo's arm was surprisingly boney, his elbow sharp. Trowa squeezed Duo's bicep gently before running his hand over the protrusion of Duo's elbow. 

Duo made a noise that was generally associated with an awake person, and shut his eyes more determinedly.

Trowa let himself smile, and he began toying with the hair around Duo's face, brushing locks back and tucking them behind Duo's ears, then tracing his finger along the bone of Duo's nose, sweeping up to run his finger over Duo's cheekbone.

Duo sighed through his nose, and spoke blearily. "Why are you waking me up?"

"I'm not," Trowa replied reasonably, "I'm just touching you."

Duo squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could. "Isn't that the same thing?"

"No," Trowa opined, "because it's your fault for lounging around naked. It's like begging to be touched."

"But Tro," Duo countered softly, a restrained laugh in his voice, "you were the one to undress me last night."

"Your clothes were dirty."

"You got them dirty."

"You were the one to push me down into the grass."

"That was your fault," Duo cracked an eye open, smiling up at Trowa, "for being so damn fuckable."

Trowa nodded. "It is."

Duo laughed, and opened his eyes, pushing himself against Trowa. "Merry Christmas, Tro."

Trowa ran his hand down Duo's neck, letting his fingers linger over Duo's jugular. "You too."

"Do you have a present for me?" Duo's question was without guile or artifice, something that he had a talent for. 

Trowa nodded slowly. "I do."

Duo grinned brightly, pushing himself up into a sitting position. "Me, too! Let's trade, ok?"

Trowa would have to have been a far stronger man than he was to refuse Duo's child-like glee. Trowa had tucked his present for Duo away in the drawer of the end table on his side of the bed, anticipating the morning ritual. Apparently, Duo had thought of the same thing at some point, because neither of them had to get out of bed to get their gifts. Duo sat up, so Trowa propped himself against the headboard, admiring the way the sheets pooled at Duo's waist, covering nothing.

It was a shame that his gift was so small and wrapped in plain red paper, but Trowa was relieved to see that Duo's gift was also small, although it was wrapped in shimmering silver paper that had a holographic effect, even in the low light. They swapped gifts wordlessly, Duo making a noise of excitement as he started to rip into the paper.

Trowa methodically tore at the seams of the wrapping, keeping his eyes on Duo as he did.

Duo uncovered the small jewelry box with a puzzled expression, and Trowa couldn't help thinking that Duo looked cute with his mouth unconsciously forming a pout. Duo opened the box, and his eyes widened and his body went still.

Trowa fidgeted, focusing on his gift. He pulled the paper off, and unwrapped the tissue. Trowa blinked four times before he pulled the object out of the tissue paper. 

Duo chuckled harshly. "I guess we both wanted to reclaim something from the past, eh, Tro?"

Trowa nodded once, and set the paper aside, turning the tin whistle over in his hands. It was the first instrument that he had ever learned to play, although he was certain that Duo could not know that. Raising his eyes to meet his lover's, he smiled his gratitude. "Can I put that on for you?"

Duo swallowed, and looked down at the gold cross. "You shouldn't have gotten me something so nice. I'm not even Catholic, you know."

"You don't like it." Trowa did not betray his reaction in his voice, although his eyes searched Duo's body language for more information.

Duo shook his head. "It's not that..."

Trowa put the tin whistle down on the bed between them and took the jewelry box out of Duo's hands. Pulling the chain out from the box, he opened the clasp and leaned over to Duo. He put his hands around Duo's neck, and leaned his head over Duo's shoulder so he could see.

Duo was breathing rather deeply, and he put his hands on Trowa's body with such hesitance that Trowa was afraid to lean back. Duo's eyes were closed, and with the cross on his chest, his hair wildly braided, and his body nude, he looked like a debauched angel fearing repentance.

Trowa kissed Duo's lips gingerly, until Duo parted his lips and they kissed with dignified passion, their only contact their mouths. Duo's eyes opened, and Trowa could not interpret what he saw in them.

Trowa pushed Duo down onto his back, and smiled at Duo. Picking up the tin whistle, he offered, "Shall I play for you?"

Duo smiled, and Trowa played. The music of the whistle was airy and soulful, like the mournful tune of a fairy. Duo watched Trowa as he played, toying with his braid. When the song ended, and Trowa put the whistle aside, Duo pulled his head down, and they kissed.

Trowa spread Duo's legs out, and lifted Duo's balls tenderly, kissing the skin above Duo's groin. Duo arched his back, and groaned.

Trowa kissed Duo's cross as he moved inside of Duo, tonguing the skin and the gold wantonly, and Duo cried for more.

They fell asleep wrapped around each other, and Trowa could still hear Duo's moans mixed with the song of the tin whistle.

* * *

  


Duo was still complaining as they entered the small private dining room. 

"It wasn't such a big deal for you to get me breakfast yesterday! I don't see why I had to get my own today." Duo scuffed his shiny shoe against the soft Persian rug. 

"Duo, it's three in the afternoon." Trowa was past the point of being reasonable. Now, he was only replying because it would have been rude not to do so.

It did not deter Duo. "But that was your fault. You were the one who wanted to play your whistle for me." Duo leered as he spoke, and Trowa felt the urge to blush, casting his eyes about to see who might have overheard.

Trowa stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Wu Fei choking, holding a napkin over his mouth. He took a moment to be mortified, and then went to sit with Wu Fei.

"Chang." Trowa nodded as he sat down opposite the other man, not even bothering to look to see if Duo was following him.

"Barton," Wu Fei choked out, not quite meeting Trowa's eyes.

"Hey, Fei! Don't tell me you've joined the ranks of the lazy afternoon breakfast eaters?" Duo flopped down in his chair with much more noise than necessary, completely out of pique.

Wu Fei spared a brief smile for Duo. "Maxwell, I had breakfast hours ago. I decided to meditate in the late morning, and I missed the lunch."

Duo rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you were devastated."

Wu Fei actually appeared to enjoy Duo's joke, much to the surprise of Duo and Trowa.

"So, we _can_ still get breakfast, right?" Duo looked around nervously, aware that they were not really in a restaurant.

Trowa shrugged. "Go to the kitchen and see. I'm sure they'll make whatever you want."

Duo rubbed the back of his neck, grinning nervously. "Oh, I don't want to put anyone out."

Trowa rolled his eyes, but Wu Fei smiled warmly at Duo. 

"Barton, be a good boyfriend, and get Duo some breakfast." 

Trowa and Duo stared at Wu Fei exactly as if he had just sprouted six heads.

Wu Fei ignored them, calmly sipping his tea. "After all, you've kept him from it with your whistle-playing all morning and afternoon. That was rude."

Duo laughed out loud, and Trowa decided that getting up was easier that dealing with a humorous Wu Fei.

Trowa did not rush as he made his way to the kitchen. There had to have been a reason that Wu Fei had teased him into leaving, and Trowa found that he trusted Wu Fei alone with Duo. Perhaps Wu Fei would say something meaningful to Duo; he certainly was smart enough to think of meaningful things.

The kitchens were a busy place to be on this sort of occasion; it seemed like there was a teaming mass of hundreds of cooks and cook assistants, mixing things in bowls and fussing over pots on stoves and sticking things in ovens. The gleaming white walls and floors reflected off of the shining metal pans and appliances, the polished natural wood of the table warming the visual banquet. 

Trowa hated kitchens. He did not understand how they worked, and therefore felt at a disadvantage while he inhabited them. This kitchen was the largest and busiest kitchen he had been in for as long as he could remember off the top of his head, and it left him feeling distinctly out of place.

Trowa stood in the doorway, and waited for someone to notice him. Several people saw him, but none moved forward to speak to him for several minutes. Trowa waited patiently, his eyes darting from station to station around the room, as he tried to discern the pattern in the chaos.

A young girl in a too-large white apron had to clear her throat to get his attention from the sight of the pastry chefs working on tonight's desserts. "Can I help you, sir?"

Trowa nodded shortly. "I need a breakfast tray for two. Nothing fancy, please. Just some toast, a bagel, that sort of thing." The girl nodded happily. "Eggs? You want eggs, too, right?"

Trowa blinked. He was pretty sure he had already placed his order.

She smiled brightly, totally oblivious to his disdain. "Do you like them over easy, sunny side up, or scrambled? I can make omelets too, but that's probably too fancy."

Trowa swallowed deliberately. "Just the toast and bagels, please."

"Oh, you need protein! I'll whip up some scrambled eggs in a jiff. What about some cinnamon rolls? We made a huge batch this morning, and I'm pretty sure we still have some ready to pop in the oven. What kind of spreads do you want? Butter, honey butter, margarine, jam, jelly, peanut butter? Do you want juice, coffee, tea, milk, soda?" She rattled along cheerfully, speaking fast and thinking of new things every heartbeat.

Trowa blinked five times, and answered, "Yes."

She looked at him, and then started to laugh in a decidedly girlish fashion that reminded Trowa of Catherine. "Ok! What dining room are you in? I'll have it delivered in just a few minutes."

Trowa shook his head once. "I'll take it from here."

"Oh, sir," she objected, "that's not necessary. We can't have guests delivering their own meals!"

Trowa leaned back against the wall. "It's fine."

She smiled at his passive determination. "All right, I guess. Just give me a few minutes to get it all together." She took three steps away before stopping and looking over her shoulder at him. "Um, sir?" She didn't seem like she really wanted to go on. "You're... you're a Gundam pilot, right? You're with Duo Maxwell."

Trowa's eyebrows rose minutely, and he lowered his head fractionally so he would not appear to be disapproving of her.

She blushed, and rushed forward. "I'm from L2. I'm the same age as you, too, really. We all... We are all really grateful for everything you've done for us, all of you. Why, my father's cousin still tells people about the time he helped out Duo. He's a real hero on L2, you know."

Trowa's lips twitched as he imagined how Duo would respond to that. "He's a hero here, too."

She completely burnt up with embarrassment, and stammered, "Oh, I know, I didn't mean to say, that is, I'm sorry, it's not coming out right, that is, I never expected to actually be able to talk to one of you..."

A cry of 'Angela!' came from deeper in the kitchen, and the girl flushed even deeper. Trowa took pity, and pushed himself away from the wall. He put his hand on Angela's shoulder, and tried to smile genuinely. "Thank you."

Her eyes got watery, and she gasped with delight, before turning and running into maze of tables and stoves and ovens. Trowa sighed, and went back to leaning against the wall next to the door.

It didn't take as long as he thought it would. It seemed that hardly any time at all had passed, but then Angela returned, pushing a cart that had three levels to it. On the bottom, there were a half dozen carafes, presumably filled with every beverage deemed suitable for breakfast. On the middle shelf, there were plates, cutlery, napkins, glasses and cups, and small pots of every conceivable condiment. On the top, there were multiple covered dishes.

Angela smiled demurely at him, and Trowa presumed that she was embarrassed still about her behavior. The polite thing for him to do would be to console her and assure her that she had done nothing wrong, but he didn't have the slightest idea how Duo would do that.

Instead, he smiled and thanked her solemnly, and got out of the kitchen as soon as he could. 

The cart rolled soundlessly down the carpet, and Trowa thought about Wu Fei and Duo alone in the dining room. Duo had a strange fixation on the people he considered to be his friends from the war. There had been a time when Trowa knew firsthand that they could ask anything of Duo, and he would do his best for them. So, Trowa knew that Duo was probably happy to see Wu Fei, and spend time with him again, just as he was probably happy to see Quatre, despite the fact that Quatre was not happy to see him.

But there was something else going on with Duo, and Trowa felt a small tinge of guilt. He probably should not have fled so quickly.

He paused before opening the door, and considered the fact that somehow _he_ had become the person that Duo was most at ease with. It made him feel something in his chest that he was unaccustomed to feeling.

He opened the door, and immediately the sound of Wu Fei laughing slipped out into the hall. Trowa didn't move for a second, because he was sure that he had never heard Wu Fei laugh before.

Duo was sitting just where he had been, but he was leaning as far away from Wu Fei as he could, looking at the other man laugh with a blend of disbelief and horror.

Trowa cleared his throat, and pushed the cart over to the table.

Duo's eyes widened, and he whistled. "Damn, Tro, what did you do? Take over the kitchen staff? How many people did you think we were going to be feeding?"

"This is apparently what two Gundam pilots eat for breakfast." Trowa sat down, and looked at the cart as if he had no idea how to proceed.

Duo chuckled cynically. "I had no idea. Did you?" Trowa shook his head, and Wu Fei laughed again.

"No wonder you two are so skinny." His charcoal eyes were twinkling merrily, and Trowa was reasonably certain that it was the first time he had ever seen Wu Fei do anything that vaguely resembled 'twinkling.'

Duo protested immediately with a "Hey!"

Trowa nodded. "I'm not skinny."

"Hey!" Duo smiled and poked Trowa in the ribs. Trowa only half moved away from Duo's touch.

Wu Fei shook his head. He reached out suddenly and took Duo's wrist in his hand, reaching around it with his middle finger and thumb. "How can you deny it, Maxwell? Look how thin you are. Please. Try to take better care of yourself."

Duo flushed brightly, and pulled his hand out of Wu Fei's grasp quickly. He reached over and took a plate, turning his back on Wu Fei completely. "Don't worry about me, Fei." His tone of voice was serious and bitter, which was only partially masked by how quietly he spoke.

Wu Fei sighed, and drained his teacup. "We do worry about you, Duo. But we also trust you." He smiled at both Duo and Trowa, and stood up. "I don't want to interrupt your breakfast, so..."

Even obviously uncomfortable, Duo looked up at Wu Fei and tried to stop him. "No, you don't have to go..."

Wu Fei shook his hands in front of him, grinning dangerously. "No, if Barton gets to whistle-blowing, I certainly don't want to be around."

Trowa picked a piece of toast off the tray and ignored Wu Fei. Duo laughed. "Tin whistle! I got him a tin whistle for Christmas!"

Wu Fei blushed at the misinterpretation that Duo allowed him to think that he had made. "Regardless. I will see you at dinner. I should find that damned Po woman and make sure she hasn't gotten herself into any trouble." He waved cheerfully at them goodbye, and Trowa paused in his eating to reply.

Duo watched the door close apprehensively. "Do you suppose he and Sally are really...?"

"She's twice his age." Trowa spread some buttery substance on his toast, and sighed at the piles of food that were destined to be left uneaten. 

"She's not that old!" Duo protested with a grin. "She's only, like, what... well, she was a doctor in the war..."

"She's old," Trowa dryly replied.

Duo sighed, and winked at Trowa. "Love looks not with the eyes."

"Still. It has taste." He poured himself a drink from the first carafe he put his hand on, enduring the cranberry juice out of laziness.

Duo winked at Trowa. "I don't know. I put up with your crap..."

Trowa sniffed with dignity. "Please. You are lucky to have me."

Duo seemed ready to reply, but then he bit back what he was going to say. He examined his bagel wistfully. "Wu Fei said that he... he always admired me. Wanted to be more like me." Duo paused, his bagel dipping lower and lower until it rested on the plate. "Why would he say that?"

The look in Duo's eyes and the tone of his voice were so authentic and earnest, Trowa found himself searching for an answer that would satisfy. "I suppose he said it because it was true."

Duo searched Trowa's face for a moment, narrowing his eyes. "How could that be?"

Trowa took a sip of the cranberry juice, and softened his expression. "Maybe he's always wanted really long hair."

A pause, and then Duo started laughing so hard that Trowa was afraid he would fall out of his chair.

* * *

  


Christmas dinner was much more relaxed than the previous dinners. They had set up the grand dining room with so many trees that they formed a maze, affording each table some privacy. Relena had presents for all the Gundam pilots at her table, and she gleefully hugged and kissed the cheeks of each pilot, even Heero, who tried to squirm away from her.

Duo blushed when saw the palmtop computer that Relena got him. It was a much more lavish and expensive gift than she gave anyone else, including Heero. Duo mumbled some apology about not getting her anything, but Relena scoffed at his apology. She kissed him again on his cheek, and Trowa had to repress the desire to laugh at the sight of Duo's blush.

That night, they stayed up late, sitting around a fire, sometimes talking, sometimes listening to music. Quatre wanted Trowa to play with him, but Trowa just pulled Duo closer into his arms. It was quiet.

The next morning, Duo and Trowa packed their bags to leave. They were going to be the first ones of the 'Gundam Five' to go, and they couldn't get out of there fast enough. It was annoying to wait for a porter to come and get their bags when they could easily carry them themselves, and it was annoying to stand in the grand foyer, where anyone could just come and congregate and watch, and say goodbye to people neither had seen in ages, in a parody of a tearful occasion. 

Relena tried to convince them that they didn't need to leave, but Duo remained adamant, and finally Relena gave up, throwing her arms around Duo's neck, and speaking into his ear. Trowa watched, his arms folded over his chest, his eyes piercing.

Heero appeared next to Trowa while Trowa was watching Relena and Duo. "They look cute, don't they? Ah, in another world, perhaps, where Duo isn't such a raging bottom."

Trowa smirked, his attention still focused on his lover. "That's right, you've never had the pleasure of feeling Duo move in you, have you? Ah well."

Snorting, Heero shot back, "Please. A man can take a piss in the sewer, but he isn't going to wash himself in that filth."

Trowa sneered. "What you need, Heero, is to go off someplace where there are no people, and take the time to fuck yourself royally."

Heero grinned. "You think you have things so well settled, don't you? You think he's yours, but he won't ever be. He swore to me that he would love me until the day that he died; he is _mine_. And you don't even know him at all. Look at him, shaking like a leaf just because someone is hugging him. You know what he needs, don't you? But you can't give it to him, can you. Do you think he'll go without, be the good boy and stay by your side? Or... do you think he'll go to where he knows he can get it, and get it good?"

Trowa felt his blood freeze, a coldness that got darker and deeper with each venomous phrase. If he could have broken the ice to respond, he wouldn't have had time. Quatre was there to say goodbye, and Malakeh demurely bowed a farewell. Then Wu Fei was shaking their hands as they left, and Relena gave them each one last kiss, and they were in the car to the airport.

Trowa was numb. He could feel Duo's tension, and a part of him wanted to reach out and touch Duo, reassure him, comfort him, just put his skin on Duo's skin, but he was frozen.

The shuttle was late leaving, and they were delayed in getting off the shuttle because the airport had had a power outage earlier, and some gates were still locked down. The walk to where the car was parked seemed infinitely longer than when they had left, and by the time they got back to the car, it was pitch black outside.

Trowa let the car run for a minute to get the heat going, and Duo picked through his bags nervously, looking for his cigarettes. He pulled out the palmtop that Relena had given him and threw it in the back with derision.

Trowa wanted to tell him that it was a nice gift, and he should take better care of it, but he really didn't care that much.

They both slept that night with their boxers on.

* * *

  


Trowa placed his coffee cup down. He thought he had _placed_ it down, but coffee sloshed over the edge of the cup, and spilled onto his desk, staining the edge of some documents. Trowa did not sigh.

He had not been sleeping lately. He had not been having sex nearly as often. He was tired. And when he got home tonight, there would be at least three calls from Heero logged on his vidphone.

Trowa had decided to hate Heero. He hadn't really decided what to do with the hate. He didn't encounter Heero that often, and if he did, he didn't think that he would hit him or confront him. Unless, of course, Heero confronted him. Which he was almost certain to do. But still. 

Trowa's boss was being particularly nasty ever since the holidays had ended. He had, apparently, been gunning to get an invitation to Relena's party from Colonel Une, but was passed over in favor for more competent managers. Since Trowa had not only been at the party, but also seated near the Queen herself, and photographed with her often, his boss decided to exercise his ire on Trowa.

Pushing aside the large pile of reports he had to work on, Trowa cleaned up the coffee spill, and took a sip of coffee, even though it was still too hot, to make the cup less full.

He checked his email, and clicked uselessly on some folders and links. There was nothing new in his inbox, and nothing interesting in any folders to distract him. He wanted to go home, and have sex with Duo for several hours. 

The last time they had really taken their time with one another was on New Year's Eve. They spent most of the day naked, touching and holding and licking and moving in one another. Then, Duo had insisted on going out, and Trowa spent most the next day nursing Duo back to health.

And Duo was spending more time talking to Heero. Trowa could tell from the logs. It worried him.

Just as Trowa began the actual work part of his day, Duo showed up in his cubicle. 

Duo sat down in the chair in his cubicle, put his feet out in front of him, leaned back, put his hands behind his neck, and craned his neck back so that he could watch the ceiling.

Trowa continued to type, watching Duo from the corner of his eye carefully.

Finally, Duo leaned forward, putting his forehead in his joined hands. "I don't know why you put up with my shit."

Trowa paused from his typing, his fingers still over the keyboard. "I don't mind."

"Yeah." Duo rubbed at his forehead, and Trowa had the impression that there was something Duo was trying to get out. "Well. I cussed out my boss today, and he's put me on notice. I'm kinda fucked right now."

"It'll be ok." It was banal and useless to waste the air necessary to say that, but Trowa didn't know if there was anything that wouldn't have been banal and useless.

Duo laughed humorlessly, and Trowa thought that there were probably other people in the office who were afraid of that laugh. "No, not really... I'm not going to therapy today. I don't feel like being ogled by perverts."

Trowa had forgotten about therapy. "We'll both skip."

Duo shook his head. "You'll get in trouble for nothing. Forget it."

"No," Trowa turned to face Duo, "it's no big deal. I'll just call us in sick."

Duo sighed, and started to rub his forehead again. "He'll know I got written up anyway. It's pointless. I've been a bad boy, Tro."

"I like it when you're bad." Trowa spoke quietly, and he wasn't entirely sure Duo heard him. He picked up the phone quickly, and dialed Dr. Clarkson's office.

Duo watched him from behind his hair. Trowa knew that it had been over a week since Duo had washed it from the way it limped, and didn't catch the light.

"Hello? Yes, this is Trowa Barton. I'm calling to cancel the appointment for Duo Maxwell and myself. ...No, we're not feeling well. ...I can call later when we're ready to reschedule. Thank you."

Duo shook his head. "He's never going to believe that."

Trowa shrugged. "Who cares?"

Duo smiled weakly. "I still don't know why you put up with me. I don't want to spoil anything for myself, but you can do better."

Trowa pushed his chair over so that he was right in front of Duo. He put his fingers on Duo's chin, tracing the line of the bone. He pushed Duo's hair out of his face, smoothing it back. He put his face very close to Duo's and traced Duo's eyebrows and cheekbones. Trowa smiled at Duo.

"Stay? You can keep me company."

Duo blinked. He had been holding his breath, his lips barely parted as if he were anticipating a kiss. He shuddered as he breathed again. "Won't your boss get mad?"

Trowa winked. "Let me tell you a secret..." Trowa leaned forward, his cheek to Duo's cheek, the friction of their combined scruff sending a thrill down Trowa's spine. He spoke with his lips touching Duo's ear, his voice soft and as seductive as he could make it. "I hate my boss."

Duo started to laugh, and he leaned forward and put his hands on Trowa's waist as his laughter became more frantic. He put his chin on Trowa's shoulder, and stopped laughing instantly. His arms snaked around Trowa, still loose, but now his hands touched Trowa's back. "Thank you, Trowa. I think I... I guess I will stay with you.

"Since you've got nothing better to do anyway."


	9. Chapter 9

Trowa's fingers were cold. He couldn't do anything with them. The floor was covered with mottled carpet that was so many colors at once, it faded into nothingness. Trowa stared hard at it, trying to pick out as many individual carpet threads as possible.

The chair was uncomfortable. The only kind of chair that would have been comfortable to sit in for so long would have been too expensive and unwieldy for the space, but it didn't make the chair any less irritating. Trowa felt like his feet were falling asleep, although his circulation wasn't impeded in any way. 

There was no ambient music playing. Trowa was annoyed by this. There should have been something to distract people from the quiet. Instead, there was only the harsh silence of people who are afraid to say anything, and the air circulating around them.

There were other people waiting there, too. He wanted to be alone, to have a private room to wait. No one wanted to be there. It was a room designed to be as comfortable as possible given the limitations of space for people who would rather be anyplace else in the world.

Trowa most certainly did not want to be there.

He supposed absently that people were nervous being around him. He didn't mind. He didn't want them around him.

Commander Une was sitting a discreet two chairs down. She was sitting, staring straight ahead, her hands folded neatly in her lap, her legs crossed in a lady-like fashion. Her military rigidity prevented her from moving even in the slightest.

Trowa would appreciate her calm, cool efficiency in almost any other situation. He had no idea how she even knew to be there. He felt a slight resentment against her for being so informed.

Sally Po was sitting in the chairs behind him, shifting position regularly every few minutes. Trowa wanted to beat her and tie her down, just to keep her from making the noise when cloth rubbed against cloth. He certainly didn't think there was _any_ earthly reason for her to be there. He assumed that she was there because Wu Fei could not be. He felt that she was a weak substitute.

Heero was lurking somewhere in the background, but Heero wasn't in the forefront of Trowa's thoughts.

There was a family over in the corner. The mother had fallen down the stairs to the basement. Or maybe the father had kicked the shit out of her. The children were subdued, but still unruly. The oldest girl wanted to go to the park. She kept making snide comments about her mother ruining a sunny day.

Trowa supposed that the sun was shining, but he didn't see what that had to do with anything.

There was a couple on the other side of the room. They were young, too young, and they held each other's hands without looking at each other. They each had several tattoos and piercings, and they wore lots of silver jewelry and black clothes. Trowa didn't think they looked pale because of their makeup. 

When he looked at them, he felt his stomach twist and he wanted to claw the skin off his flesh. They reminded him of Duo and himself.

He had already been waiting too long. It didn't take this long to die, unless it was a really painful death. But did it take this long to live?

Trowa leaned down over his hands, intertwined on his knees, and stared at the carpet some more. He wanted very much to not be there. To not be waiting anymore. For this day to start over again.

He didn't know how to make that happen. He should rip the veins out of his arms for being so useless.

There was a sudden rush of sound, but Trowa didn't look up until he heard Relena's voice. 

"Oh, I'm so sorry! I got here as soon as I could!"

It was unclear to Trowa exactly to whom Relena was speaking, so he assumed that he was not required to answer. Nor did he feel an overwhelming urge to look up at her. He didn't see any reason for her to be there.

She came to sit right next to Trowa, putting her hands on him. He tried to flinch away, but there was only so much distance he could put between them and still stay in the chair. Her eyes were watery and red, and Trowa had to repress the reflex to vomit at the thought of Relena crying over Duo.

"It must have been so terrible for you, Trowa! To come home and find him like... like... My goodness, I can't even..." She gave every impression of wanting to cry on his shoulder, and Trowa knew that he would have to physically throw her off of him to keep his personal space intact. He hoped that she would try soon.

He hadn't been aware of Une standing up, but she then had her hands on Relena's shoulders, pulling her back with little pressure. "Relena." Une's voice was quiet, clear, and authoritative, and Relena was once again just a child, looking to someone older and worldlier for guidance. 

With a shuddering intake of breath, Relena sighed and shifted away from Trowa. "I'm sorry. Of course, you don't want to... I didn't mean to... Do you know anything...?"

Relena looked to Trowa, but he didn't acknowledge her question, he simply shifted so that he was facing away from her as best he could in the confines of his seat. Une shook her head once and Relena sighed, sitting back.

Relena seemed intent upon sitting next to Trowa, occasionally wanting to reach out to him, but he continued his surveillance of the carpet, and pretended to ignore her.

A nurse came to get the family, letting them go back to see the mother. The couple continued to wait. Trowa cracked his knuckles one by one, pushing his fingers back as far as he could, hurting himself weakly.

He wanted to go away from here, go to the bathroom, or get something to drink, or go outside for some air, but he was afraid that if he left, he wouldn't come back.

He was startled by the call of "Mr. Barton?" right before him, and he didn't want to answer right away. He couldn't interpret the tone of the woman's voice.

Relena cleared her throat and poked him in the ribs with her elbow. Trowa briefly considered slapping her across the face. Looking up, he cleared his throat, hoping the woman would understand.

She smiled, and stretched her hand out to him. Trowa did not want to touch the hand of a stranger who worked with sick and diseased people, but he hesitated, unfolding his hands. He couldn't commit to a decision, though, and she withdrew her hand, still smiling. "Mr. Barton, you are listed on Mr. Maxwell's file as the de facto next of kin. Is that right?"

Trowa blinked, startled into fidgeting. "I am?"

The young woman blinked this time, looking suddenly uncomfortable, as if she wished she had a file to look over. "Er, yes, you brought him in, correct? I mean, you rode in with the paramedic, right? You live with Mr. Maxwell?"

Trowa leaned forward, rubbing his palms over his knees. "Yes."

She smiled, sighing with relief. "Ah, I'm Dr. Croft. Mr. Maxwell has stabilized. We used Narcan to reverse the effects of the heroine. He regained consciousness and went into respiratory distress twice before we were able to stabilize him completely; he must have taken a great deal of heroine."

Trowa could not discern whether or not she was being judgmental, but he felt inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that she was not. 

She cleared her throat, and squatted down so that she was at Trowa's eye level. "He's going to be fine. We did have to restrain him; he's a lot stronger than he looks. He's been somewhat disoriented, but he seems to be coming out all right, so if you would like, you can go back and see him."

Relena bounced forward in her seat. "He can have visitors then? How long will he have to be hospitalized?"

Dr. Croft looked nervously from Relena to Trowa, and then over to Une. She was understandably unused to dealing with such famous and powerful people. "Well, usually, we would be releasing a patient in Mr. Maxwell's condition as soon as they were cogent and able. Er, we don't really _need_ to report cases to the police when they come in by ambulance, of course, as the police and the emergency bands are the same. But, in the case of a Preventer operative, it is mandated by UESA law that agents or employees who come in to the hospital for narcotic-related conditions must be kept under surveillance for at least 48 hours. It's, er, a balance and control rule." She appealed to Trowa apologetically as she spoke, her eyes conveying her sympathy.

Trowa wasn't interested in sympathy. "I can see him?"

Dr. Croft nodded enthusiastically, getting up. "Yes! In fact, he's been asking for you."

Trowa blinked. "He's... He's been asking for me?"

Heero snorted in the background, but no one paid him any mind. "Yes, he has. Several times, in fact. He's actually gotten a little boring on the subject." Dr. Croft winked at him, and motioned for him to follow her.

Trowa got up on rubber legs, and walked with inconsistent strides behind her. She led him past the double wide door leading back to the ER, and past the line of patient quarters, each no more than a space for a bed surrounded by curtains. The nurses' station was in the center of the room, with all the patient quarters surrounding them. In the back, there were rooms for patients as well, but it appeared to Trowa that most people were brought in to here. Duo was behind a curtain in a bed in the corner. He had an IV in his hand, and he looked pale and ashen, but all things considered, he didn't look so bad.

Trowa nearly choked on his feelings. He could not process what was going on inside of him. It was a jumble of things more potent than he was accustomed to coping with, and he had to repress the urge to bolt.

The desire to put his hands on Duo was stronger.

Duo's eyes were half-lidded. He was dressed in the sparse hospital gown, and his arms looked very thin tied down to the metal guardrails of the bed. When he saw Trowa, Duo did not attempt to smile, but he did try to sit up a little. "Tro." Even his voice was weak.

Trowa went to stand by the bed, and put his hand on Duo's face. The braid hanging over the edge of the bed looked like it had been trod upon. "Hey."

Dr. Croft cleared her throat, and looked away. "Well, I'll... I'll give you two a minute. Please remember Mr. Maxwell, to look after your health better in the future. Snorting heroine is a bad way to deal with the pain."

They watched her leave. Trowa put his hand on Duo's hand, and nearly let go when he felt how cold it was.

"Fuckin' bitch," Duo muttered under his breath. He shifted in his bed, pulling on his restraints uselessly. "Jesus fucking Christ in a taxicab... Today sucks, Tro."

He only nodded in response, running his fingers over Duo's sticky bangs. 

"I need you to do something for me, Tro. Please?" Duo's eyes were red and he struggled to keep them open. It gave Trowa a lump in his throat. "I need your help."

"What can I do?" Trowa's voice was unusually hoarse, and he wondered if Duo could hear it, too. 

Duo smiled and visibly relaxed. "I need to get the hell outta here, Tro. Please?"

Trowa nodded almost immediately. He wanted to think that this was something that Duo could only ask of him. He pulled Duo's bag out from under the bed, and leaned over to take out Duo's IV. "Give me a minute, all right?"

He slipped out of the curtained cubicle, carefully holding the curtain together behind him. He slipped a pair of scissors that were on the nurses' desk into his pocket quickly. Dr. Croft was standing nearby, reading over a file and working on some paperwork. Trowa cleared his throat unobtrusively, and started to talk before he was certain he had her attention. "Thank you for saving him. I... Thank you."

Dr. Croft's face lit up with a grin. "Oh, don't give it a thought. It's, well, you know, my job." She tried to laugh at what she wanted to be a joke, but it was fairly irrelevant. "You were both Gundam pilots, weren't you? And there was one other in the waiting room, too, right? I suppose you guys remained friends throughout, huh?"

Trowa blinked. "Something like that."

Dr. Croft smiled like a young woman. "I used to play with toy Mobile Suits when I was a child. I always wanted to have a Gundam model, but my parents thought I was going to be locked up as a traitor. I liked the one with the whip, the one that breathed fire, the best."

Trying to smile, Trowa nodded. "That was Wu Fei's."

Dr. Croft flushed. "I must sound silly to you. But I never thought I would meet a Gundam pilot, much less help one."

He released his breath slowly, nodding haltingly. Pointing upward, he nodded, indicating the painting behind the nurses' station. "That's lovely, isn't it?"

Dr. Croft started, looking at the painting, seeing it for the first time. "Er, yeah, I guess."

"You could do us another favor by looking at it for a few minutes." He turned to walk away, but he did notice how she seemed to flush with excitement.

She spoke quickly, her eyes glued to the painting. "Take the door on the left, go down the hallway following the arrows for radiology. There's a door fairly close to the parking lot at the end of the green hallway to the right of mammography. I'll be taking a coffee break in a few, so you and Mr. Maxwell should have about ten minutes alone before I need to take him upstairs."

"Thanks again." Trowa spoke quietly, without turning his head to face her, so he hoped that she could hear him, but he doubted it.

He slipped back into the cubicle with Duo, who was pulling out his clothes slowly, his hands still restrained. Trowa cut the restraints quickly, letting the plastic ties fall to the ground. He untied Duo's gown for him, and helped him into his clothes. Duo grumbled about the condition of his clothes, but Trowa shushed him.

They followed Dr. Croft's instructions, and were out of the hospital in five minutes. Duo was weak still, and needed Trowa's help at times, but Trowa didn't mind. They got to the car, right where Sally had said she'd parked it, but they were moving slowly. Trowa was not really sure what Duo wanted to do now, but he was pretty sure that they wouldn't have much time before Une became aware of their absence. He wasn't sure how well Duo understood the situation that they were in, or how to explain it to him.

Duo coughed, and shifted around, trying not to move. "Well, I guess we don't have much time, huh? Hey, Tro, howzabout we take a little vacation, hm? Get outta town for a bit... Clear our heads..."

Trowa looked over to Duo. He was frail, and shaking a little, sweating far too much, his skin sallow. Trowa swallowed hard. The feelings that were choking him were only getting stronger. They would need supplies.

"We'll stop someplace out of town. Is that okay? Do you... need to use the bathroom?" Trowa clutched the steering wheel. He didn't know much about these things, except for what he'd seen in movies.

Duo chuckled humorlessly. "Later. 'M tired, a bit. Damn, do I have any cigarettes in here...?" He picked through the pockets in the door, and the glove compartment. 

Trowa reached to the backseat without looking, and pulled up Duo's jacket. 

"Heh, you've always got things under control, don't you, Tro?" There was jealousy in Duo's voice as he loosely pulled out a cigarette. 

Trowa ignored it, and got onto the closest expressway. He wasn't entirely sure which direction they were headed, but he was pretty sure it didn't matter.

Duo flipped on the radio, and turned to stare out the window. Trowa could see him fidgeting, and he knew what it was like to be in pain and not be able to get comfortable. He sped down the expressway, and tried not to look at the back of Duo's head too much.

It was midnight when they stopped at the 24-hour combination discount department store and grocery store. Duo went to the bathroom, moving like an old man, his limbs moving like they were not really a part of his body.

Trowa watched him disappear behind the door to the men's room, and then sighed. 

They needed supplies.

Trowa grabbed a cart and moved quickly. He picked up some t-shirts and track pants for them, a few pairs of boxers, some flip-flops, toothpaste, toothbrushes, shampoo and conditioner, a hairbrush, a razor, shaving cream, bottles of energy drinks, a few boxes of clove cigarettes, safety blades, energy bars, apples, oranges, boxed juices, various bandages, soft drinks, eye drops, some analgesics, some Pepto-Bismol, blueberry muffins, beef jerky, wet wipes, cereal, condoms, and lube.

Duo was still in the bathroom when he was done. He was standing in front of the mirror letting the water wash over his hands. Trowa did not say anything as he came to stand next to Duo, but he couldn't help but look in the mirror with Duo, staring into the reddened eyes of his lover.

Duo cleared his throat, but didn't say anything. He splashed some water on his face, and shook his hands off over the sink. He shuffled instead of walked, and trailed after Trowa even though he was walking right next to him.

Trowa considered putting his arm around Duo's waist, but he was tired and unwilling to cause a scene, and if he were in Duo's shoes, he would be damn sick of being needy by now.

Duo climbed into his seat like he was a child, almost on his hands and knees, and he was half-asleep before he finished buckling up. He looked like death after death had been sick with the flu for a week.

The music turned to static, and Trowa flicked the radio off. He drove through the night, and just as the sun was coming up, the ocean was before him. Duo was still sound asleep, looking completely dead to the world, so Trowa just drove around until he needed gas. He went in to pay so that he could ask if there were any motels that would let him check in early.

The directions to the Oceanview Inn were somewhat confusing when he heard them, but he was able to follow perfectly easily. It had rooms in a strip with the doors facing the parking lot. There were supposed to be back doors in every room facing the beach. It was a bit pricey, but they didn't give Trowa any trouble at all checking in, and the ocean air was refreshing and cool.

He had to carry Duo into the room. He placed Duo down on the bed, expecting the other man to wake up at any moment, so he was watching Duo's face carefully the whole time. But Duo did not stir at all. He took off Duo's shoes, pants, and shirt, and pulled the blanket over him.

Duo slept, and Trowa watched from the chair next to the bed.


	10. Chapter 10

Trowa watched Duo's eyes open.

A few times as he slept, Duo got up to use the bathroom, stumbling blindly with minimal assistance from Trowa. He slept through the day and the night, but other than that, Trowa really couldn't see any sign that he was sick. He had nearly died, but Trowa could see no symptom of it.

He felt, almost resentfully, that there should be some aftereffect.

It was still pre-dawn when Duo opened his eyes and really saw where he was for the first time. It was possibly the sound of the sea moving against the sand that jarred him, or the sun beginning to enter over the ledge of the picture window. 

Trowa had expected Duo to wake up slowly, shivering and confused. But Duo's eyes just opened. One moment, they were shut, and Duo was all but dead to the world, and the next, they were open.

Trowa cleared his throat, and nodded at Duo.

Duo sighed, and pushed himself up with one hand. He led with one bare shoulder, and there was an unconscious sexiness that was underscored by his vulnerability. Trowa didn't think that Duo would ever see that in himself.

"Morning, Tro. Where the hell are we?"

Trowa nearly smirked. "I drove. We ended up at the beach."

Duo looked around, scratching the back of his neck. The room was all white, with a maroon rug thrown over a hardwood floor. The sheets and comforter on the bed were also pure white, and the woodwork around the picture window was a natural wood stain. There were breezy sheer curtains over the window, as the heavy maroon curtains were pulled all the way back. Outside, there was a strip of sand and the whole ocean.

"How much did you pay for this place, Tro?" Duo's eyes darted from one fixture to the next, and he pulled his arms and legs closer to the center of his body, as if he were afraid to be too much a part of his surroundings.

Trowa looked away. "It wasn't that bad. It's the off-season."

Duo nodded absently, reminding himself of something that he wanted Trowa to think he already knew. "Of course."

Trowa stood up, stretching himself out as he walked across the room to where he had thrown their bags. "Here. Eat something."

Duo shrugged. "Maybe later."

Trowa looked down at the bags. "Drink?"

Duo fidgeted and rubbed randomly over his skin. "Nah. I dunno. I don't really feel much like it. I mean, do you have anything good to drink?"

Trowa blinked. He looked over the various things he had bought. "No."

Duo shrugged and turned his back on Trowa. "I don't really feel like it right now." He tossed his legs over the side of the bed, his toes just barely not touching the carpet. Trowa nodded, and stood uncertainly.

"You almost died."

"Yeah." Duo put his feet on the ground, and stared at his toes. "Let's not talk about that right now, ok?"

Trowa sighed, and nodded. 

Duo stood up, his legs shaking a little. He wandered over to the window, putting his hand on the glass. "It's a nice view."

Trowa nodded, watching Duo from under his bangs.

"I think I need to take a shower. If that's ok. I think my hair might have spawned whole new civilizations. I... won't be too long." He wandered around the room just a bit, wavering in his path as he walked to the bathroom. If he was waiting for Trowa to approve, he was wasting his time. 

Trowa sat down in a chair to wait.

The water started, and Trowa watched the sun on the ocean as he waited. The sound of the shower seemed far away. Trowa wanted to go into the bathroom with Duo, but even now he had to respect Duo's privacy.

But, he was still afraid. He had expected the fear to dissipate once he knew that Duo would be all right, but he was still scared.

He knew why, but he didn't think about it.

He could still see Duo on the floor of their apartment. He still felt cold. He hadn't realized how cold he felt until now. He felt like he was in a runaway car, barreling toward the edge of a cliff, and he was still buckled up. It was all out of his hands, especially Duo.

He wanted to walk into the bathroom and take Duo into his hands and his arms. He wanted to be warm, he wanted to be scorching hot.

The water stopped running, and Trowa imagined he could hear Duo toweling his hair and body dry.

Trowa opened a bottle of an energy drink, playing with the cap as he waited for Duo to emerge again from the bathroom.

Duo pushed the door open and leaned against the doorframe. He was wearing the boxers he had worn into the bathroom, and had his hair in a fresh braid, each twist perfectly tight. He hooked his thumbs over the waistband of his boxers, his shoulders slumped and his eyes closed. "Hey, Tro, do I have anything to wear?"

Trowa nodded, the corners of his lips turning up just a little for a moment. He picked up the bag and pulled out a t-shirt, a pair of track pants, and some fresh boxers, and tossed them to Duo. 

"I still have my jacket, right?" Duo turned the clothes over and over again, looking at them with the same suspicion as he would give something alien and potentially dangerous.

Trowa nodded. "And your boots."

Duo grinned. "Great."

Duo got dressed in front of Trowa, sitting on the edge of the bed after he had stripped off the old boxers and slipped into the new ones, and the pants. Trowa watched Duo pull the shirt over his head and slip his boots onto his bare feet.

"I can get you socks."

"'Sokay."

Duo put his forearms on his thighs and folded his hands together when he was done. "So, what didja bring to eat?"

Trowa picked up an apple and tossed it to Duo, who nearly dropped it, only managing to save it from the ground by cradling it to his belly. Duo looked up at Trowa with a gleam in his eye that bordered on wicked, and Trowa felt himself wanting to smile.

Duo turned the apple around and around, looking it over and running his thumb over its skin. "What did ya wanna do today, Tro?"

Trowa shook his head, and looked away. After a moment of silence, he considered. "Well. There's a beach. And I think there's a boardwalk somewhere."

"Sounds like a plan to me. Are those cigarettes?" Duo stood up, his hand reaching out to table next to Trowa.

Trowa met Duo's eyes, and nodded slowly.

"You're the best, you know that," Duo smiled as he spoke, more emotion leaking into his words as he got quieter.

Trowa shrugged and nodded, dismissing it as obvious.

Duo nibbled on his apple as they walked down the beach. They walked no more than a foot apart, their arms at their sides. They did not touch.

Trowa blinked as he stared into the sun. It was February. It was cold, and the salt smell of the ocean was seemed out of place. They stayed far up the beach, where they could walk on the sand without being too close to the water. 

Duo was only half done with his apple when he tossed it to the ocean. He looked small and bedraggled in his jacket and track pants. His boots looked unnaturally large on his feet. His braid seemed too long.

Trowa folded his arms over his chest, and kept his eyes down.

In the summer, the beach and the town were hot spots for people from the city to go to for an escape, but in the winter the town appeared to have its streets rolled up and stuffed into storage. There was nothing to do except wander the beach. The downtown area, which was about twenty minutes walking distance from their motel, was mostly closed shops and closed hotels.

The people that were there invariably watched the two unfamiliar men as they walked. Neither of them cared. 

They stopped for lunch at a convenience store. Trowa bought a sandwich that was wrapped in plastic wrap, and Duo bought a cup of chicken soup. They took their meals outside, eating as they stood next to the building. Duo pulled the thick noodles and chunks of chicken out with a plastic spoon, and drank the broth like tea. Trowa pulled off sandwich bits and ate each small piece with suspicion.

Trowa watched Duo as he ate, and Duo kept his eyes on the soup.

After they threw out the refuse, they went back to the beach. Duo pulled off his boots, carrying them by the laces, and he pulled his pants up, knotting them at the knee as best he could. Trowa watched with his hands in his pockets, knowing where Duo was eventually going but waiting to see before commenting.

Duo strode toward the water, and Trowa shook his head.

"The water will be cold."

"It's good to get your feet wet from time to time, ya know. Don't you think?"

Trowa did not have a response. 

Duo walked right where the waves were receding from the shore, so that the water washed over his feet but only just barely touched his legs. The way his boots and braid swung in time with each other made the scene look idyllic. 

Trowa looked away.

Duo came back to walk aside of Trowa again, his feet coated in sand since they were wet. It didn't appear to bother Duo, and Trowa chewed on the inside of his bottom lip lightly as he imagined what the wet sand must feel like on Duo's skin. 

Trowa wondered if Duo liked the irritation.

Duo just plopped down on the sand completely without warning, leaning back on his elbows right away. Trowa had to turn around to sit down next to him.

Duo sighed, and closed his eyes as he let his head fall back. His braid trailed in the sand. Trowa watched the thick coil resting on the cool sand, and felt an irrational desire to protect Duo's hair from the damage of the sand. "Damn. What a day."

Trowa put his hand down next to Duo's. "Want to talk?"

Duo looked away. "Can I say no?"

Trowa moved his forefinger over the surface of the sand, inching it as close to Duo's hand as he could get without actually touching. "You scared the shit out of me."

"Better than an enema." Duo sounded like he was smirking, but Trowa couldn't see. "Sorry."

"What the fuck happened?" Trowa wasn't sure what his voice sounded like. He couldn't hear himself.

Duo sighed, and lay back against the sand. "Damn. I am sorry. Fuck. I didn't mean... I mean, obviously, I didn't mean to... I am sorry, Tro."

Trowa nodded, looking at his hand as it pressed against the sand. "What the fuck, Duo?"

There was a sigh, and a long pause. Trowa did not push. He could tell that an answer was surfacing. 

"I... I just can't stand it, Tro. I... I _try_ , god damn it, I do, but... I'm not Superman, ya know?" Duo pulled himself up, hugging his knees to his chest as his eyes searched the horizon. Trowa wanted badly to reach out and touch him, but he wasn't sure if he could yet. "Not even close. I don't really know what happened, not really. I mean, I didn't want anything to happen, but..."

"You bought the drugs." Trowa spoke slowly and carefully, saying each word as if it were disconnected from all the other words in the sentence, as if there was no meaning in the combination of the words.

Duo shuddered. "Actually... Damn it, Tro, you know, don't you? Sometimes... you just need out of your skin. It _hurts_ , fuck, it hurts like fucking hell, and you just need... you just need some fucking time off from being _you_. You _know_ , right? It's not like... it's not like before. I mean, not really. I mean, I don't _want_ it to be like... I just need an out, you know? And I... I can only be so strong."

Trowa disagreed, but did not say so out loud. He didn't want to distract Duo.

"Heero was over. A couple of times, actually." Duo huddled into himself, and there was shame in the way he turned his eyes away from Trowa. 

Trowa swallowed hard, and said nothing.

"He... he wanted... well, ever since the party thing with Relena, he's been... It's like he thinks that... Anyway, he came over, and I let him in, and he... he had a bag a heroine. He used to... before, he would buy the stuff a lot. He never really, he wasn't into the hard stuff, you know, but he dabbled from time to time. He'd watch me get high, and fuck me when I couldn't feel anything but good anyway. He... it was sorta like he was taking care of me when I was fucking myself up, but not really, you know. Anyway, he said what I needed was a good buzz. He said that he would take care of me. But... I said no. I told him I didn't want to, not again.

"But he left the bag behind."

Trowa's fingers were clenched in the sand. His jaw was clenched and his teeth were grinding against each other. He wanted to commit bloody homicide. He wanted to scream out loud for the whole world to hear. He wanted to beat the faces of infants and throw bombs into crowded school buses.

He swallowed seven times and closed his eyes, and consciously repressed his every reaction.

He was looking forward to the time after Duo fell asleep. He needed that time.

"I didn't know where it had come from, or anything. It was fuckin' stupid to snort the whole thing, but... I didn't have a needle, and I didn't... didn't want to leave any of it layin' around the house. I can see now that it was fuckin' stupid, but..." Duo drifted off, and Trowa imagined that he was actually moving away from him.

"You would do it again, wouldn't you." It wasn't so much a question as it was what Trowa was thinking.

Duo shrugged. "I just wanted to get out."

Trowa concentrated on breathing. He was cold. He could still see Duo on the floor... the carpet of the waiting room, the way people were so quiet. Dr. Croft, and the way Duo looked tied down to the hospital bed. Une at home waiting for them.

He understood wanting to get out, but still. 

He reached out, and put his hand on Duo's neck. "I do know. But you aren't alone anymore. Sorry. If you go down... I go down. We're flying together, now, Duo."

Duo slowly turned to face him, his eyes red and confused. "Tro?"

"Why should you be the only one to escape?"

The question had the effect of horrifying Duo to the point where he jumped to his feet. He backed away from Trowa without seeming to think about it, but Trowa remained still. He wasn't ready to get up yet.

"What... What do you mean, Trowa? You can't... Look, don't use my psychosis as an excuse for... You can't mean that..." Duo waved his hands over around in denial, putting more distance between them.

"You aren't alone Duo." Trowa folded his hands together calmly. "It's not like you are less self-destructive than me. I want... to get out, too. Why should you get release and not me?"

Duo shook his head mutely. "Trowa... don't... you can't... _no_. You can't..."

Trowa shrugged. "Already have."

"Trowa... you don't want to die, right? I mean... Fuck! Don't lay this shit on me, man! I'm not going to be fucking responsible for you!" Duo sat down abruptly and started to pull on his boots. 

"I'm not asking you to be. I assume you are responsible for only you. I'm just saying..." Trowa shifted position slightly, preparing to get up.

"No. Fucking no. You can't hitch your wagon to a falling star, man. Just... fucking no." Duo stood up and started off quickly. He didn't seem to want Trowa to keep up with him, and he kept his arms crossed firmly over his chest.

"Too late." Trowa walked behind Duo slowly, his hands in his pockets, his gait unconcerned.

Duo sat outside the room and smoked his way through a whole pack of cigarettes, muttering from time to time about fucking expensive mini bar. Trowa ate some jerky and flipped through the five channels of cable television compulsively.

Duo went to sleep in his clothes, barely looking at Trowa as he stumbled into bed. Trowa watched him for several minutes before he turned off the television and lights, brushed his teeth and washed his face, and set out what he would need in the morning.

He sat in the bed and watched Duo sleep. He could feel his stomach tighten and his back ache. He needed release. He needed warmth. 

He wanted Duo badly, but he didn't touch him. 

He wasn't prepared to ever go through all this again.


	11. Chapter 11

Duo's nose crinkled and his face was twisted in discomfort. Trowa wanted to reach out and brush his fingers over Duo's face, but he couldn't move his arms. He had watched Duo sleep until the sky started to bleach with the approaching sun, and now that the sunlight was over the ledge of the window, it seemed that Duo was going to wake up.

Trowa hoped that he hadn't caused Duo to lose sleep.

Duo started to make small noises in his sleep, and Trowa could see the imprint of the nightmare on Duo's eyelids. There was nothing he could do. He waited for the dream to break, and for Duo's eyes to open.

A short cry, and then Duo shuddered, and pushed himself up. The bleariness of sleep still cloaked his eyes, and Trowa could see that Duo was still half in the dream. Clearing his throat, he tried to speak, to bring Duo to the real world, but his tongue and lips seemed to not wish to work together all that well. His arms rested uselessly on the once-white comforter, unable to reach up to touch.

Trowa felt helpless.

"God, I hate those dreams... Shouldn'ta fallen asleep..." Duo rubbed his hands over his face, and pushed the sheets off of his body. He turned to face Trowa, his face still contorted. "Man, could I use a drink or some valium or somethin'..."

Trowa nodded with a faint hint of a smile, and he leaned closer to Duo, not fully able to control himself. His shoulder bumped into Duo, and Duo smiled at him.

It was enough to make Trowa smile in return.

"Damn, Tro, I thought I was the only one hitting the mini bar last night! We can't both be hung over ya know." Duo realized something was wrong when he reached out to touch Trowa. He pulled his hand back as soon as he felt the wetness, staring at the thick red streak over his fingers for long, panicked moments before he put it all together. "Fuck!"

Duo jumped off the bed, his eyes wide as he stared at the blood that covered Trowa's arms and soaked the sheets around Trowa. Trowa shook his head, trying to get his mouth to work properly. "It's'ok, really. 'M fine."

"What?!? Trowa!" Duo backed away from the bed, his eyes never leaving Trowa's. "I thought I was dreaming the blood... What the fuck have you done?!?"

Trowa shook his head, feeling more than a little woozy. It felt like his head wasn't properly tethered to his neck. "Not that much. Not... too much."

"What?" Duo ran into the bathroom, his panic finally hitting the stage where he was operational. Trowa could hear the sound of running water, and Duo came back out very quickly, holding a sopping wet washcloth. "Fuck, Tro, damn, damn, damn... What have you done?"

Trowa could feel the cool touch of the cloth on his skin, the way the rough terry cloth rubbed at his skin. Duo wiped away some blood, but there was enough that he wasn't able to clean the skin off in one pass. Duo's hands trembled as he held Trowa's arms, and his face was bent to his task, hiding his eyes. "Just a little. Release. 'Sokay. I'm fine."

"Fine?!?!" Duo looked up, and Trowa saw Duo's eyes shine with unshed tears. "This is fine? Are you mental?"

Trowa wanted to laugh.

Duo shook his head, and kept cleaning Trowa's arms. The long, criss-crossed lines of the cuts oozed as the weak scabs were brushed away. "Trowa, this is insane. What the fuck were you thinking?"

"Wasn't gonna kill myself." Trowa knew that his voice was weak, barely audible, but he didn't know what to do. "Jus' a little release."

Duo shook his head and bit his lip, his hands trembling as he pulled away the washcloth, now pink and red in stripes and blotches. "Damn, Tro..."

"Bandages." Trowa looked at the plastic bag on the floor next to the table. "In there."

Duo looked around, confusedly, until he saw what Trowa was seeing. He leaned over to pick up the back, holding it open as he set it on the bed. "Damn, Tro," he said as he looked down into the bag like a child finding a roast in their Halloween trick or treat bag, "you planned this. Didn't you?"

Trowa shrugged weakly, a gesture made complicated by his inability to move his arms all that well. 

"Fuck." Duo slumped, staring down into the bag of neatly packaged gauze and tape and bandages. "God damn it. Trowa! God damn it." Duo ran his hands through his hair, his fingers clutching at his scalp as they got buried in his thick hair. He pulled his hands out quickly, staring down at the residue of blood covering his fingers and palms. His whole body shook as he recoiled from his hands, his arms folding to cover his stomach weakly. He picked up the wet washcloth and stumbled into the bathroom.

Trowa listened to him mutter and curse. He leaned against the headboard, and waited for Duo to come back in. The blade that he had used was sitting in the ashtray next to him, a small collection of his blood decorating it. He had tossed it there when he had finished, but he had gone a little overboard.

It was still fine, because he knew that it was going to be fine.

Duo came back from the bathroom carrying a bath towel carefully, trying to minimize the dripping. He laid it over Trowa's arms, gently squeezing over the length of each arm carefully. He lifted the towel, and then fastidiously went over Trowa's arms, from the elbow to the wrist, where the cuts were, cleaning. When the excess blood had all been cleared away, he poked into the bag, pulling out some antiseptic.

Trowa winced, wishing he hadn't bought that crap. He knew intellectually that it was necessary, but it stung. 

Duo was working diligently, not looking at Trowa directly. He snorted, though, when Trowa winced at the touch of the antiseptic, and his hands still shook a little.

He applied the bandages over the length of Trowa's forearms, wrapping them in gauze and taping them off. The wrapping had the efficiency of a field dressing, and Trowa was pleased to see that Duo was as capable as Trowa had suspected he would be.

"Fuck." Duo stared down at Trowa's bound arms, his hands on the bed, a few inches from Trowa's legs on either side, his white fingers splayed out over the bloody sheets.

Trowa swallowed hard, blinking. "Sorry 'bout the sheets... Wanted to watch you when you were asleep..."

"God damn it, Tro." Duo's voice shook and his head lowered so that his chin was nearly touching his chest. His arms were still spread out, and his back was hunched, and Trowa lifted his arm to touch Duo. He put his fingers on Duo's face.

His fingers felt numb and cold, and he couldn't feel Duo's skin that well.

Duo pushed his face against Trowa's fingers as he shook his head, his eyes cast down. "Damn, Tro... The sheets. Damn. Here, wait, let me wash them out for you... Damn. Are you hungry? Should you eat? Maybe you should drink something. Yeah, we have... Damn." 

Trowa's arm fell to the bed, and he just shrugged his shoulders. Duo jumped up and started to rummage though their bags. Trowa leaned back and watched him.

"We have fruit juice, right? Here, fruit juice, that would be the best thing, right? Did you want to eat something? I don't know if we have... fruit. We have fruit. Would you like an apple? I can peel an orange for you..." Duo was looking down, so when he went to stand near the bed, a juice box in one hand and an orange in the other, his eyes fell on the blade in the ashtray. He stopped talking and moving, going completely still as he seemed entranced by the sight before him.

Trowa reached up as best he could. "I'll take the juice."

Duo nodded mutely, and he sat down next to Trowa. Trowa thought that maybe that was the closest they'd been since Duo had overdosed, although he was probably wrong about that. Duo punctured the box with the tiny attached straw, and he held it up for Trowa to drink from it. Trowa tried to take it from Duo, but he couldn't get his hands up quite high enough.

He looked directly into Duo's eyes, and he saw everything that Duo had ever felt. The color seemed to defy description, heightened by the watery sheen that seemed to sparkle and quiver with every breath they took together. Duo was so expressive, so unrestrained, and Trowa felt a deep certainty settle over him peacefully.

He would always want to be able to look into those eyes.

Duo let him drink the whole box, and then he peeled the orange, discarding the thick skin in the ashtray on top of the blade and Trowa's blood. He pulled out the seeds from each section, and slipped them into Trowa's mouth. As Trowa ate them, his lips touched Duo's sticky fingers.

Trowa reached out to touch Duo, putting his fingers on Duo's leg. He tried to smile, but Duo was still feeding him.

He ate the whole orange, and was so satisfied entirely, he closed his eyes and let himself relax. He felt like there had been a storm raging inside of him, but it had finally passed over, and he was calm again.

Duo picked up the ashtray and the juice box, and tossed them into an empty plastic bag. "Let me get the sheets." He slipped the sheets out from under Trowa carefully, as a nurse in a hospital would, and carried them into the bathroom.

Trowa could hear the rush of water filling the tub, and then he heard Duo coming back into the room. He wanted to open his eyes, but he was tired, and he was calm and relaxed, and he wanted to sleep, too. Duo swooshed the comforter away, and Trowa must have slipped away for a moment into sleep, because the next thing he knew, Duo was trying to get him to rest on a large bath towel.

"The mattress is icky," Duo explained, his voice strained. Trowa nodded weakly, or at least thought that he had. Duo slipped his pillowcase off, apparently finding some drops of blood. "Use my pillow," he directed quietly. 

Trowa smiled, and put his face down on the pillow that Duo had slept on while he had bled.

Duo was gone again, but Trowa wasn't fully aware of it. He was aware of it when the sound of the water stopped, but he was already mostly asleep.

"Hey!" 

Trowa opened his eyes, but not all the way. He was calm, and relaxed.

"Don't fall asleep on me!" Duo sounded worried, panicked even.

Trowa grinned, amused on a level he couldn't identify. "That's a concussion. 'M tired."

"You lost a lot of blood," Duo reproached, sounding mournful.

"Not that much," Trowa whispered, his eyes closed again.

He fell asleep, and did not dream.

* * *

  


Trowa stumbled into consciousness. He could hear the sound of the ocean outside, and for a long time, he just listened to the patient in and out of the waves. He was aware of light around him, and color, but his eyes weren't open. He was aware of his own breathing, and the sluggish feeling of being lightheaded and weak.

He remembered cutting himself.

He had taken the blade and sliced his arm, criss-crossing the lines haphazardly. He had wanted to bleed, and the blood had seeped out of him willingly. He watched Duo sleep as the blood dripped from his veins.

What had he been thinking? He had never done anything like that. There was an incredible excess of intimacy in doing that with Duo right there, almost as if he had lost some form of virginity. He had _wanted_ Duo to see it, he thought that he had wanted to scare Duo as much as Duo had scared him, but as he waited for the color and the sound to coalesce into something coherent, he realized that he hadn't really been teaching Duo a lesson.

He opened his eyes in defeat when he knew that his brain was awake enough to demand it.

The room was painted in the light of the dwindling sun. The drapes over the picture window were open, and the vista was one of total relaxation. He didn't see Duo right away, but he knew that Duo was close.

He wasn't worried that Duo might have left him alone.

He didn't move. He was parched, so that even his bones felt dry. He supposed that he was hungry, too, but that was more of an intellectual assessment than an appetite. He was still tired, and completely drained, which seemed rather funny but he didn't have the energy to laugh.

Duo moved, and Trowa saw him.

Duo was sitting under the picture window, his arms hugging his legs to his chest. From the angle at which Trowa was seeing him, he looked as if he might be naked. Trowa thought that he was likely wearing boxers, but the way his legs were situated, he couldn't see them. The corners of Trowa's lips tugged up, and he blinked at Duo.

"Hungry? Thirsty?"

Trowa was both, but he didn't say anything. He just watched Duo. His braid was slouched over his back, looking as tired as Trowa felt. His eyes were bloodshot, but Trowa couldn't visualize the idea of Duo crying over him. Trowa felt the shadow of desire quiver through him. He wanted to touch Duo, but Duo was far away, and Trowa lacked the strength to stand.

"Look, Trowa, I've... I've been thinking about this, and I think... Well, let's face, we're the fucking deaf, dumb, and blind leading the fucking deaf, dumb, and blind. This isn't... This _can't_ work."

"No." Trowa wasn't sure if he could hear himself. It was hard to speak. It required too many muscles.

Duo might have heard him, though, because he was shaking his head. "We can't... we can't keep this up. We're going to kill ourselves like this, and I don't... I won't hurt you like that."

"No."

"Trowa..." Duo was pleading with him, but he wasn't looking at him. Trowa put his elbow down on the bed in preparation of lifting himself up.

"No."

Duo moaned a little, like a banshee's ghost. "Trowa... Damn, fuck, and hell, Tro, you scared the shit out of me!"

"Better than an enema."

Duo winced, and shook his head in denial. "Why? Why do you want to torture yourself like this? I'm no good. Damn, anyone else in the Earthsphere would have figured that out by now. I can't save you, Tro. Get out before the boat goes down."

Trowa swallowed twice, his throat dry and his mouth incapable of producing saliva. He pushed himself up, only making it half way before his arm started to ache. "I can't save you, either. Maybe we'll both drown. Maybe we need to. Maybe we'll learn to breathe under water."

Duo laughed bitterly, turning his eyes away from Trowa. "God, just stuff the Pollyanna crap, ok? We're fucked. Only difference is, you don't need to be. Fuck, Trowa, _you're better than this!_ Get over it, and get on with your life, while you still _have_ a life!"

"Not alone." Trowa turned on his side, so that half his back was leaning against the headboard. "I'm not doing this alone."

"Why me?" Duo sounded despondent. Trowa had the vague sense that something important was happening, that some boundary had been crossed, but he wasn't thinking fast enough to put the elements of the conversation and situation together to understand it. "Why does it have to be me? You don't even fucking know me, you know. Whatever it is about me that makes you think that I'd be some fucking great catch, you're wrong. I'm a fucking lead weight, and I'm gonna drag you straight down and suffocate you. Please, Trowa, for the love of God, _please!_ "

Trowa smiled. "I don't love God."

"Damn it," Duo muttered, hugging his legs tighter and pressing his forehead against his knees.

"What makes you think you are any worse'n me," Trowa slurred, his eyes narrowing out of exhaustion. "Why can't it be you?"

"I'm not the sort of person people attach themselves to."

Trowa ignored Duo's mournful reply. "We're not that dissimilar. Why do you get to wallow in misery and death, and I have to better myself? Fuck that. I don't want to be better."

"Trowa!" Duo's head flung up in what appeared to be an involuntary gesture. "Don't say shit like that!"

"Why not? Who the fuck cares? You don't, and I don't, so fuck it. Who else is there? Who _should_ I attach myself to, Duo? Quatre? Catherine? They don't want me. They don't know me. And I know you better than you think. Hell, I know you better than you know yourself." Trowa knew that his words were slipping into one another, and his voice was fading in and out, but he didn't care. He closed his eyes, and ran his cold fingers over the mattress. He wanted to be touching Duo.

"I don't know, Trowa! I don't know who you should be with, I just know it sure as hell ain't me. Fuck, Tro! I'm a one-way ticket straight down the crapper, can't you tell?" Duo's hands fluttered up and down, as if they were trying to fling his point over to Trowa.

Trowa chuckled humorlessly. "Why, cuz Heero said so? Fuck him, Duo. Fuck him and his anger and his fucking drugs. Tell me, why would you pick him over me? Huh? What makes you so fucking worthless that you get to put up with that shit? What, do you want to die? What is it?"

Duo laughed like a dead man. "I don't want to die. I'm going to burn in hell for the things I've done; if I could, I would figure out how to live forever."

Trowa pushed himself up with the heel of his foot. "Aren't you being melodramatic?" He had thought that he was too tired to sneer, but apparently not.

Duo thrashed in place painfully. "You don't know, you have no idea, so fuck off."

"What have you done that's so horrible that I haven't? If you're going to burn in hell, than won't I be right there with you? Why is my life so much more valuable than yours?" Trowa felt the flicker of a flame in his belly, his anger fueling him. He tried to sit up, but he moved slowly, so he wouldn't topple over.

"God, you can't even... you have no idea." Duo was staring out the window, his face resting against the side of the windowsill. His face was washed out with the color of the sunset, his eyes so distant they couldn't be seen. "You don't know the things I've done."

"Tell me."

Trowa could only see the effect of his words on Duo's face, as muscles flickered. Duo winced, his pain and turmoil bubbling beneath his cheeks and around his eyes. He bit his lip, and he blinked several times.

Trowa waited, the room feeling suspended, for Duo to speak.

"You... you don't want to know."

"Maybe you'll scare me away."

It was a taunt, but it had the result of making Duo flinch. He opened his mouth to speak four times before noise came out. "I've... I've never told anyone this. I've never... never said any of this out loud."

Trowa pushed himself forward, shifting his legs so that they were under him better. He said nothing, the whole of his concentration directed on Duo forcefully.

Duo sighed, and closed his eyes. Trowa watched Duo carefully. The sun was starting to bleed out its color, and Duo's face was bathed in red. Trowa watched as all traces of expression left Duo's face, and he went totally blank.

Perhaps he should say something. He knew that he most likely should. The sense of weight was making his body ache, but he still didn't have anything to say. Either Duo would know what to do, or not. Trowa felt helpless.

"Relena told you about the mission." 

Trowa nodded, but he wasn't sure if Duo was looking.

"Well, she doesn't know. No one does. I never told anyone anything about... how I completed the mission.

"So you know the basics. Heero got the mission, tailed the marks, had the shot, and blew it. Then I was called in. I had all the info that Heero had gathered. I had the location, the regular stomping grounds, the preferred breakfast foods, everything. Trouble was, he got off one shot before he got all pacifist on the job, so they were on to him. On to me.

"They went into hiding. Locked themselves up tight in their bunker hideaway. Nice place, too. They had a building in this warehouse district... A couple of businesses went under after the wars, and so there were about fifteen city blocks that were basically empty. Big fuckin' For Lease signs everywhere, but not much life 'cept for the street trash, ya know? And they had that place wired, man. Heero had done some prelim, but it was nothin' like in his report. The place was a fucking fortress in the first degree."

Trowa shifted so that his legs swung over the edge of the bed. He grabbed onto the edge with his hands, gripping tightly to make sure he didn't fall over. Duo's voice was cold and distant. Trowa wasn't sure what Duo was seeing as he stared off into space, but he knew that it wasn't what he was seeing.

"Every crack was wired. Every window and door had at least twelve countermeasures. Motion detectors everywhere. And a power supply that was completely internal. Nothing I could do to cut them off, no way to get in without a fucking army, and no time. Fucking no time at all. The Peace Summit Meetings were three days away, and Relena was getting into town that night. No fucking time at all...

"There was one entrance, and I didn't know how dicey it would be once I got in. But see, there was an exhaust at the top... big building, they had to keep the air circulating, right? And the exhaust on the vent had one of those big fans, ya know? It cycled, and spewed out the bad air... But see, because shit would get into the vents, they couldn't put up a motion detector. But they were clever bastards. I'll give them that. They were fucking clever bastards.

"They had it wired with a metal detector."

Trowa's eyes widened a bit. There was the slightest hint of emotion in Duo's voice, the slightest tremor in his face, but the sun was nearly gone completely, and it was harder to see his face.

"The roof was monitored, but ya know, those things always have cycles and shit. It was all timing. Getting the cycles on the fan and on the camera to jive just long enough to get onto the roof, slip past the fan, and go down the vent.

"But I had to strip off all the metal first.

"No gun, no knife, no piano wire, no cell phone, no GPS, no palm computer, no equipment of any kind, nothing. I had to go into the building, and take down three terrorists trained by Oz and White Fang who had some sort of massive weapon, with _no_ weapons of any kind, and no plan."

Trowa's eyes were wide. He could see the scene entirely, as if it were he leaving behind all his lifelines as he prepared to enter enemy territory. He could feel his heart thumping in his chest, and he knew that he was thinking just what Duo must have been thinking.

"I had a rough schematics of the place, but they'd obviously been planning for longer than we'd given them credit for, because they'd done their own customization job on the joint. And just because the only tap they had on the vent was a metal detector didn't mean that there weren't other defenses and monitors inside, and I didn't even have a pair of tweezers on me. But, you do what you have to do, right?

"And I guess I caught a lucky break, because there were electronic eyes and shit in the vent from time to time, but for the most part, they were easy to bypass or move around, especially since I was a lot smaller than they pro'ly were expecting, so I was golden."

Duo's voice was getting lower and lower, his knuckles white as his hands gripped his legs tightly. There was a haunted look in his face, which was exaggerated by the way the shadows played with his features. Trowa could feel his heart beating in his chest. It was like the soundtrack of the story, the steady and ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum in the background, bringing immediacy to every word.

Trowa had underestimated the mission.

"I could only wander through the maze of vents. I figured they would monitor areas closer to their center, so I tried to follow the trail of trip wires and shit, as it were. And I figured they'd be down, below ground, so they wouldn't have to worry about any accidental trespassers. I don't know how long I was crawling through those fucking vents. I was fucking hot and tired and totally fucking lost by the time I heard voices. And I was fucking worried. They were all depending on me, ya know, and time was running out. I could hear the fucking clock ticking the whole fucking time.

"I had a loose plan, based entirely on luck. I wanted to locate one of 'em alone, neutralize him, steal his weapon, or any weapon, and hunt down the other two.

"Decent plan, right? 

"Fuckin' Lestarte wasn't that fuckin' trusting."

Trowa could see it before Duo said it. Of course he knew. He had to.

"They were all bunkered together. There were exactly two vents leading in and out of it, and they were both up near the ceiling. There was a fuckin' toilet in the corner, and a microwave on the counter. They had military rations and water bottles in crates, and the biggest fuckin' dirty bomb I ever hope to see in my life in the middle of the room.

"Clever bastards, I had to give it to 'em. They had jerry-rigged four surface-to-air missiles to this harness, and the bomb was in the middle of the harness. So, like, even though it was just a dirty bomb, they were gonna be able to launch it. And they had explosives mounted to the ceiling. I figure they musta loaded up all the way above the bomb. So, they set off the charges on the ceilings, set off the missiles, and you have the dirtiest, deadliest nuclear bomb for under 50,000 creds you can get."

Duo was shivering, his skin goosebumping everywhere. He looked cold, and very alone, and Trowa wanted badly to move off the bed and comfort him, but he knew that he didn't have any comfort to offer just yet.

"I didn't stand a fuckin' chance, that much was clear. They had themselves nicely bunkered down, and they even had a blast shield, and they had no intention of leaving that room until the deed was fuckin' done. My only comfort right then was that they obviously hadn't blown anything up yet... in fact, they were watching the news, tracking Her Highness' movements on this big map. They were still planning the final stage.

"So, I figured, I had the one shot. Get down there, blow something up before I got killed, and hope that the blast would take enough of 'em out so that they were sunk. Worst case, I was thinking, I can head straight for the dirty bomb, and set it off. Sure, it would be a huge fucking mess, but remember, there was only street trash for fifteen blocks.

"Acceptable loss, right?

"That was my plan."

Duo's was visibly trembling, his lower lip quivering, and whatever he was seeing, he didn't want to be seeing it. He looked like he was stuck in a nightmare, and he wasn't being allowed to get out. Trowa was waiting for the thud. He was waiting for it to come, for the inevitable. 

He could see the room. He could feel the tension. There were only so many ways for this to fall out, and considering the fact that Duo was sitting there, telling him the tale, he knew that most of those ways were already excluded.

"I don't know what happened. I... I know I kicked the vent grate down, and jumped through. The rest... I don't know, it was like... I could see flashes. Like a strobe light. I'd see... a splash of blood, or a fist connecting with a face, or feel something hit my back, or something, but I couldn't connect it. They were just... flashes. I totally went into some sorta berserker soldier mode, totally going into programming and not even really consciously aware that it was my hands and back and shit that were involved.

"The first real thing I remember after kicking down the grate was this sound. This... like a rubber mallet hitting a side of beef. That... sorta squishy sound of something getting slapped or hit. Like something wet, or dead."

Trowa was still breathing. He could hear the air going in and out. And he could feel his heart beating. His eyes didn't blink as he stared at Duo's mouth, watching the words as much as hearing them.

"I opened my eyes, and I could see it. It didn't make much fucking sense, but I could see it. A fist, coming up and down onto something that looked like abused ground meat. And a sound, a sorta cry or a scream.

"It was me. My hands, my fists, coming down on what used to be a human face. My cries. I was doing it.

"It wasn't even fucking human anymore. There were... there were brains leaking out. The fucking skull had been totally crushed. It was in fuckin' pieces. The face was all smashed in, the eyeballs had burst and the nose was crushed and pushed inside a bit, and the mouth was all torn up, and half the fucking skin wasn't even fucking on it anymore."

Duo ran his hands up and down his arms, his legs moving anxiously. He pushed his forehead against the side of the windowsill, and his voice got desperate and frightened.

Trowa understood that Duo was scared.

"And I couldn't even fuckin' stop myself! I kept doin' it, over and over again, and there wasn't even anything fuckin' left! I had to, like, throw myself offa him to stop. And I was covered in blood. My hands... they were red, and had fuckin' bits of brain and gore and shit on 'em. And I looked around... There was a guy trying to move against the wall. He wasn't quite dead yet, ya know, but... his fucking guts were, like, fuckin' _gone_. There was a gun on the floor, and... and... I don't know, I musta hit him when he was tryin' to shot me or somethin', 'cause he had no fuckin' guts anymore! They were all blown out, he had a fucking hole in him, and he was just kinda... twitching in his blood.

"The other guy, he was on the other side of the room. He didn't have a neck. Well, a chunk of his neck. Fuckin' ripped his fuckin' throat out. Fuckin' went for the jugular like a fucking animal. God, and the guy against the wall would not stop twitching! So I got up, and picked up the gun, and I blew his brains out. At least it was clean."

Trowa felt ill. He knew the smells, the sounds, the sensations, all too well. He could feel the blood on his hands again.

"You know how they train you and shit. And they teach you how to react, like, in a crisis, so you don't have to think, you can just, do, you know? Assess the situation. Always the first rule, right? Put it all together. See what's there, and put the pieces together.

"My brain kicked into training. I assessed. It looked like a psycho's idea of a party. That's what it looked like.

"I had done it."

Duo's fingers were clutching his flesh, leaving white trails of abused skin. His eyes were wet and wild. His voice was strained, and self-loathing.

Trowa sat on the edge of the bed, and kept his balance by clutching the mattress.

"I had done it all. It was me... I was covered in their blood. I had their gore under my fingernails. My hair was red. And I still had a job to do, I knew.

"I defused the dirty bomb. Took out the plutonium, and dismantled the bomb, you know. Then I disabled the charges. Then I set the missiles to go off on a timer. I didn't know how long it would take me to get out, and I didn't care. I was halfway up the stairs to get out when they blew. Didn't care.

"I went back to the motel I was set up in. I was in shock. I knew that. Didn't care. I got into the bathtub, and turned the water on.

"They found me like that; soaking with my clothes on, and the fucking water still running red. I had blood in my hair for a week afterward. They didn't know what happened. They congratulated me. They thought I was brilliant. They'd've put a fuckin' medal on me if I'd let them.

"Fuckin' hypocrites, buying peace from a fuckin' lunatic..."

Trowa let his head droop. He dug his fingernails into the mattress. He was amazingly lucid. He no longer felt the need for water or food or anything. Logically, he knew he was still weak, but there was a cold ache all over his heart and body and head, and he didn't have the energy to want anything.

"After that, they said it was just shock. They tried to get me to talk... but I didn't say a fuckin' word about the mission. They let it go. They didn't care that much.

"I was a fuckin' mess, and that was when I met Heero again for the first time since the last war. He was pissed, and confused, and he... he hated me. I was everything he was, but couldn't face. He couldn't pull the trigger, but I could kill three men, all twice my size, with my fuckin' hands, and he could see it in me. He could tell, I was a killer, a waste of human garbage, and I was going to hell, and I deserved it, everything.

"So he was cruel, and he hated me even more, 'cause I took it, but he was right. Everything he said was true. And I deserved it."

Trowa looked up. Duo's face was mostly in shadows, the faint reflected light from a light outside giving pattern to the darkness, but Trowa could not read Duo's expression.

"And I started to drink, which gave Heero even more reason to deride me, and he was right. I crashed Hilde's ship, I was fuckin' drunk off my ass, and she kicked me out, and Heero laughed at me, and he was right. I took some drugs at a club, and then he watched me get high and fucked me raw, and then he got me some shit, and I don't even know for sure what happened, but I do remember the first time I had heroin. 

"And I couldn't stop because I didn't want to, but I let Heero do whatever he wanted, and I took whatever he told me to, and I nearly got myself killed, which scared the shit out of me, but what else could I do?

"He was right. I'm fuckin' garbage."

The silence echoed slowly through the room, emphasizing the darkness. Without Duo's narrative, it was painfully clear that there was nothing but shadows and blackness between them.

Trowa waited, but there was nothing left for Duo to say. He was little more than a lump of shadow in front of the window, and he seemed to be shrinking.

He knew he had to respond, but he wasn't sure what he could say that Duo would listen to.

"You already know that you did what you had to."

"What I was capable of," Duo retorted quickly, and Trowa chastised himself. He should have known that Duo would have talked himself out of that line of reasoning already.

"So that's it. You killed three men with your bare hands five years ago, and you're going to hell, and that's it? You're just giving up?" Trowa shook his head, and hugged himself. He looked away from Duo, at the wall. He felt a lump in his throat, and he analyzed the feeling cautiously. He had never felt like this before.

"What do you expect me to do?" Duo nearly wailed, tossing his hands in the air futilely. "Don't you get it, Trowa? This is who I am."

"It's what you did," Trowa countered quietly.

"Same fuckin' difference!" Duo was teetering, his legs out in front of him haphazardly. "I can't escape this! No matter what, even in the best buzz, I can still see it! Still hear it, still feel their blood on me, their brains and their guts and their gore! I can't escape, ever! I woke up this morning, and smelled the blood, and I was right back there! I'm not one of the good guys, Tro. I'm not one of the people who can be saved. I'm the fucking damned."

Trowa shrugged. "Then be damned. I don't care. But let me be damned with you."

"Why?" Duo cried out, and his eyes were watering enough to tear a little. "Why would you want me?"

"Because," Trowa slid down, gingerly laying his hand down as he did, and then pushed himself to sit opposite Duo. "You understand. You don't judge. You make me feel, Duo. I'll take the fires of hell, if I can just _feel_."

"Trowa..." Duo was begging, denial etched into his voice. His cheeks were wet now, and Trowa ran his thumb down Duo's face, collecting the moisture.

Trowa leaned very close to Duo, their noses nearly touching. "If I can't feel, Duo, then what difference does it make? I don't care about the things you did. It was the right thing to do. You saved Relena, and thousands of others, and if she had died, it would have started another war. How many millions of people did you save by killing three megalomaniacal jackasses? Who even fucking cares if they died? Or how? You got the job done. That's enough for me."

"Trowa..." Duo pleaded with him, his shaking hands touching Trowa's knees hesitantly.

"If you want me to hate you or beat you or call you names, it isn't going to happen. You are no worse or better than me or anyone else. I believe that, even if you think I'm stupid for saying so." He leaned in, and kissed Duo's nose tenderly.

"Trowa!" Duo was crying now, and it was almost good that it was dark and they couldn't see that well, because Trowa knew that Duo wouldn't want to be seen like that. "Trowa, damn it... What do you want from me? I can't... I can't save you, I can't help you, I can only drag you down. I can't... I can't stand to see you... _hurting_... Please, Trowa, what do you want?"

Trowa took Duo's braid in his hand, and lovingly ran his fingers over the plaits. "I don't want anything from you.

"I only want to be with you."

Duo's head was bent down, and he was hiccupping, trying to stifle his tears. Trowa ran his fingers over Duo's braid, and cradled the bottom of it, with the gathered loose ends resting in his palm.

"It'll only get everywhere, you know."

Trowa looked up at Duo, completely confused.

Duo sighed, and rolled his eyes. "I mean, I know everyone gets off on the hair and junk, but it's just a mess. It gets everywhere, I mean, _everywhere_. It's not a pretty sight."

Trowa grinned a little, and touched his forehead to Duo's in what he hoped would be a reassuring gesture.

Duo shook his head, exhaling loudly with a touch of humor. "I warned you, remember." He took the tail of hair from Trowa's grasp, and pulled the tie off the end. He shook out the hair, running his fingers through it until it was cascading down his back and over his shoulders in shining waves of hair.

Trowa gasped. His eyes wide, his heart pounding, he could no more keep from burying his hand in the thick fall of hair than he could decide to stop breathing. "So beautiful..." He uttered without thinking, cradling Duo's face in his palm as his fingers explored the hidden depths. "You are just so beautiful..."

Duo's eyes shimmered. Barely whispering, "Solo... Solo used to do that... just like that..."

"Duo," Trowa sighed, "how can you think that Solo and Father Maxwell and Sister Helen haven't forgiven you? They loved you."

Duo's eyes were wide and wet, and then he burst into tears. Trowa took him into his arms, and he ran his hands down Duo's back, through his hair.

It was the most alive that Trowa had ever felt.

They got off the floor, eventually, by mutual agreement, and got into bed. They had no sheets and only one pillow, but they wound themselves up together, their bodies in contact everywhere, their mouths next to each other, and they slept.


	12. Chapter 12

There was the sound of gentle clicking. There was not supposed to be the sound of gentle clicking, although Trowa was too tired and too thirsty to consider why there shouldn't be the sound of gentle clicking. It was becoming apparent, however, that opening his eyes was going to be a necessity.

His whole body ached in a way that made him want to sink into oblivion. His tongue felt glued to the roof of his mouth. His eyes felt spackled shut. Prying them open took more energy than he had, but the damned gentle clicking continued, requiring a response. He couldn't make any noise, because he was too parched, but he felt his muscles groan as he stretched. His arms were like searing stumps of ache. 

He started to rethink his grand plan.

The light felt harsh and indistinct; nothing was illuminated as he managed to break the seal keeping his eyes shut. He pressed his forehead into the pillow, and tried to shift on the bed without putting his arms down or moving them. This was futile. The towel was all bunched underneath him, and the soft terry was scratching his back.

He was already sick of this day.

Gradually, he was able to center in on the source of the gentle clicking. It was only then that he was aware that he had woken up alone. Duo was sitting in the chair on the side of the bed, his attention fixed on something on the table. It was the something that was responsible for the gentle clicking.

Duo was typing on something.

Duo's hair was still down, cascading over his shoulders and down his back in luxurious waves. The tactile memory of the hair tingled on Trowa's fingers, and he decided that getting up wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Trowa weighed his options. He wanted to speak, but his throat was like a desert in a dry spell. His head was starting to throb, something he deduced was going on for a while now, but he had been too asleep to notice. There had to be a way to start the day that didn't involve horrible, horrible pain.

"Oh! You're awake!" Duo stood up, nervously standing still, his hands uselessly moving around each other as he tried to think of what to do. "You must be really thirsty, right? You didn't really eat or drink anything yesterday or anything... Here, let me get you..." He moved in quick, short strides to where the food was stored, and pulled out a drink. 

Trowa tried to sit up, but without using his arms, it was a difficult task. Duo's arm was under his back before he knew that Duo was there, and he was able to lean on Duo, and sit up.

For a second, his eyes met Duo's, and he felt himself wanting to smile. Unfortunately, it was far too early to even try such a complex maneuver. 

Duo sighed softly, and opened the bottle. He raised the drink to Trowa, not offering to hold it for him but at the same time, being as helpful as he could be. Carefully, Trowa reached out to take the bottle, making sure that his fingers were tightly around the circumference before attempting to pull it away from Duo's grasp. He put his cracked lips against the rim of the bottle, and it was like heaven, the cool liquid slipping down his throat.

Duo was watching him with wide, seemingly frightened eyes. Trowa transferred the bottle to his left hand, and reached out with his right, taking a lock of hair between his fingers. 

He smiled at Duo easily.

Sighing, Duo closed his eyes. "Are you ok?"

"Sure." Trowa's voice was scratchy and broken, but his eyes were sparkling, and he tugged lightly on the lock of hair in his grasp to emphasize his point. 

Duo nodded slowly, swallowing hard.

"What were you doing?" Trowa spoke slowly, concentrating on each word in turn. He rewarded himself with another long sip of the drink. The relief was like bliss.

"Oh, I got that palmtop thing that Relena gave me for Christmas out from the backseat. All this time and it was still there, can you believe it? The thing is more of a pain in the ass than anything, it took really fuckin' long to get anything loaded on the damn thing, and getting the 'net hooked up was torture." Duo's eyes were fixed absently off in the direction of the table, and his voice rambled on without the use of any upper cognitive functions. It was a soothing noise, but Trowa was busy trying to piece things together.

"What were you looking up?"

"Rehab places." Duo closed his eyes, offering an apology mutely with his posture. "I... I can't do this. But I can't... I _can't_ let you down, so..." His voice broke, and his shoulder shuddered, his body closing off to Trowa. "I guess I have to do what it takes, right?"

Trowa nodded once, taking another slow sip. He was starting to feel more awake. "Rehab? What kind of places have you found?"

Duo sighed, and shook his head. "There are a lot of places... but, I don't... I mean, it was just an overdose. An, er, oversight. I don't want... I don't want methadone. I had that the last time, and it... It didn't take, ya know? So, I think I'm gonna try one of those behavioral places... But... There are a lot, but not many that look that good, ya know? And I found one. It's not that far, and it comes really highly recommended... It's. Well. The kind of place that you go into isolation for a week, ya know, and do the intensive therapy and junk deal, and you stay there for at least three months, and go daily as an outpatient for three months more. It's really intense. And expensive..." 

Trowa swallowed. Duo sounded forlorn, just like he had last night... Trowa knew that tone, he knew that feeling. He knew what it was like to be trapped and hurting. 

He reached out, and put his hand on Duo's skin. "We can work it out."

Duo nodded tersely. "Well, I guess... But I've been thinking. It's not going to be good for our 'careers' that we've taken this little vacation. And I'm going to be in a lot of trouble. I don't know... It just seems like I'm getting us into more and more trouble with every breath. This is going to be intense." Duo spoke quietly, measuring each word carefully, his fingers picking at his fingernails, his eyes lowered. Trowa gave him the peace to speak. "If I fail... and I'm out of work, and I have this debt, I don't know how I'll ever be able to get my shit together again."

Trowa reached out, putting his hand on Duo's neck. He ran his thumb over Duo's jugular, just barely grazing over the skin. He led Duo to move closer to him, and pressed his lips against Duo's cheek. "We can work it out."

Duo nodded, gradually releasing the stress across his shoulders, and relaxing into Trowa's touch.

"Don't worry about our 'careers.' Our jobs sucked; we were only staying there out of guilt. We don't have to worry about that anymore. I can get another job. I'll be making money while you are working on things. We'll work together on the debt. And..." Trowa hesitated. "We can... always ask for help. We know people who wouldn't have any trouble paying that off."

Duo pulled up, his eyes wild and disbelieving. "You can't possibly be delusional enough to think I would go to Quatre for help, can you?"

"Relena." Trowa sighed, and finished off his drink. "Duo, I know it pains you to ask for help, but... She _wants_ to be of service. It... would make her happy to help you out. It would put her mind at ease and release her from some of her guilt."

Duo sank back against the headboard, his face blank. "Yeah, I guess."

"We can pay her back as soon as we can. It will just be a loan."

"Yeah."

"Do whatever it takes, right?" Trowa ran his fingers through Duo's hair, letting his fingers touch Duo's skin as he did.

Duo swallowed hard, and nodded. He turned and smiled at Trowa, his eyes looking tired but peaceful. "We don't have to leave right away, do we?"

Trowa shrugged. "I'm not really in the mood for travel."

Duo impulsively leaned over and kissed Trowa fleetingly on the lips. "Me neither. And I still have three packs of cigarettes to get through before I'll be ready to give it up forever." Duo winked at Trowa, smiling wickedly. Trowa's lips quirked in response; he was happy to see some vestiges of Duo's humor returning. Duo stretched out, yawning a bit. "In fact, I think I could use a cig about now... Hey, can I get you anything else? Do you need your bandages changed?"

"No, go ahead." Trowa shifted, his muscles and bones still aching. "I'm going to take some time anyway. We need to get into town and get some read food."

"Yeah, I'll drive." Duo spoke immediately, as if he had anticipated what Trowa was going to say.

Nodding, Trowa continued. "We'll change the bandages right before we leave, then. Take your time. I'm going to wash up and get changed."

Duo nodded, slipping off the bed reluctantly. "Ok. I'll put the sheets back on when you're done. I think they're dry... I left the Do Not Disturb sign out, figured we could use the privacy."

Trowa grabbed Duo's hand before he got too far away, and squeezed as hard as his fingers would let him. 

Duo smiled, and for a moment, Trowa felt like it really would be all right. "You know what's scary, Tro? I've been thinking about the future this morning. Like, five years from now and shit. Isn't that crazy?"

Trowa raised his eyebrows. "Perhaps. But maybe... it's a good thing."

Duo stole another quick kiss. "Let's hope so, eh?" Duo swept his hair into a messy, loose braid, and tied it off just before slipping out of the room.

Trowa could see Duo's shadow in the window, pacing in front of their room. He stayed in the bed for a long time, just watching Duo, and imagining the way his fingers would touch his lips briefly as he smoked, and the smell of the cloves and ash in the air. Trowa thought about Duo's hair, and how Duo wouldn't go outside while it was down.

The feel of Duo's hair in between his fingers itched at him, and Trowa stretched and moved to get out of bed.

It was time to start the day.

* * *

  


The drive into the small town didn't take any time at all. Since he had driven in during the pre-dawn hours, and they had walked up the beach the last time, there was nothing familiar in the landscape. The glimpses of the ocean from between the buildings and trees looked like ocean, but the bright noon sun illuminated everything completely differently than the pale light of the new morning, rendering the surroundings in different angles and colors.

Trowa felt disconnected from the view. He felt fuzzy, his thoughts far away from his body.

Duo drove quietly. He didn't even turn the radio on; his eyes never strayed from the road, and he didn't speak. He had his elbow on the door, his cheek resting in his palm, his other hand on the wheel.

Trowa watched him from the corner of his eye as the scenery streamed by them. Duo was probably exceeding the speed limit a little, but the speed limit was probably a bit low considering the width of the road.

Duo was certainly as good a driver as he had ever been.

Trowa remembered some of the things that Duo had told him last night, and it seemed impossible. How could Duo have crawled through an air vent and then kill three armed men with his bare hands, and years later be driving down the road like anyone else? It was surreal. 

But then, how often did Trowa think about all the things that he had done over the years, when he was child and during the war, in the context of his normal, mundane life? He worked in a damn cube, but he knew what it smelled like when you dumped napalm on a dairy farm. He didn't suppose many of his coworkers could relate to that.

Trowa was intimately aware of how much he had in common with Duo. He closed his eyes, and his mind spun in circles, dizzily. He remembered something about ribbons binding lovers together, and he tried to imagine the bloody threads of their lives entangling them together in an embrace.

He hadn't realized that the car had stopped until Duo took his arm gently. His car door was open, and Duo was looking down at him with a worried expression. Trowa wasn't sure, but he thought that he smiled at Duo.

They went to the restaurant, the only one in town that was still open. Mostly, it was just the locals that were occupying the small, vinyl-covered booths. There was a single menu tucked in its spot on the metal clip at the end of the table, behind the salt and pepper, sugar, and ketchup. 

Duo picked it up, and offered it to Trowa. He stared at the menu, not seeing the words. He wanted to think that the plastic cover was too greasy to be able to read it well, but it was far more likely that there was something wrong with him.

The waitress was old enough to be their grandmother, and she looked down on them as if she was afraid she might have to touch them. "You boys aren't from around here, are you?"

If Duo got a chance to respond to that, things might not have ended with them eating, so Trowa ignored the waitress and went straight to his question. "What soup do you have?"

She continued to stare at him, making him wonder if he had slurred his words. "Chicken noodle, navy bean, and minestrone."

Trowa nodded. "Ok, I'll have a bowl of minestrone, a lemonade, and a glass of water. Does that come with bread?"

"Yup," she turned to Duo without writing down Trowa's orders. "And you? Are you on a liquid diet, too?"

Duo glared, but kept his voice even. "Turkey on wheat, no bacon, no lettuce, no tomato, and definitely no mayo."

"Hmph, got it." She sauntered back to the counter, leaning over to talk to the cook in the kitchen behind in what she must have thought were conspiratorial tones.

Trowa shook his head. "Was I slurring my words?"

Duo glared at the waitress' fat ankles. "No, but she probably thought you were illiterate, since the soups were on the menu."

"Oh." Trowa looked down at the thing in his fingers, and continued to fail to decipher any language. "I see."

Duo sighed, and took the menu from Trowa, putting it back where it belonged. "Sure you didn't want to have something more substantial to eat?"

Shrugging, Trowa looked away. "It would just make me sick."

Duo nodded, and stared down at his hands. His fingers were wrapped up together, and his knuckled were white from the tension.

Trowa reached out, and put his hand over Duo's. "This place is nice."

"Except for the people," Duo snorted, giving the waitress and the mumbling people around her a dirty look.

Trowa smiled weakly. "Yeah, but that's true everywhere."

Duo blinked twice, and then turned back to face Trowa. "I don't know why more people aren't jaded cynics. It's really the only logical conclusion, based on the universe."

Shrugging, Trowa started to pull out sugar packets, one by one. "People are stupid."

"Can't argue with that," Duo agreed, his eyes sparkling.

Trowa made a neat row of sugar packets absently. He loved the way that Duo was looking at him right then. "This _is_ nice."

Duo's face sobered softly, leaving him with a warm expression. After a pause long enough for reflection, Duo nodded minutely. "Yeah, it is."

The food was actually good. The soup was warm, and not too fatty. The noodles were thick, and Trowa enjoyed sucking them past his lips and swallowing them whole. They paid in cash, leaving the waitress an exorbitantly high tip, out of twisted spite.

They talked about nothing. They just chatted here and there, about whatever they were thinking about. On the drive home, Duo explained to Trowa in excessive detail his grand theory on why taxes were a mad scheme derived by Satan to get people to kill themselves.

It didn't even scare Trowa when he started to agree with Duo.

They parked, but neither wanted to go back to the room. Trowa had gotten an iced tea to go, so he sipped his drink as Duo lit his cigarette, and they went for a walk on the beach.

After a while, they each came to the decision independently to carry their shoes rather than try to walk on the sand. The sky was bright, with enough clouds to keep it from being sunny. The water was rushing in and out, and there was an absorbing pleasantness about everything that made Trowa a little tired.

He sat down in the sand. He put his hand down and curled his fingers around the sand beneath him. It was cool and soft. Duo was still walking behind him, going in a big circle. 

"How do your arms feel?"

Duo hadn't asked about that yet, not so directly. Trowa tugged a bit self-consciously at his sleeves. "I'm fine."

Duo sighed, and Trowa could practically hear him roll his eyes. "You said that yesterday, too. We need to work on your definition of the word 'fine.' Do they hurt?"

Trowa stared at the horizon, watching the surf slide in and out absently. "I guess."

Duo was standing behind him. Trowa could feel the way he was concentrating. "Have you ever done that... when someone else was around... before?"

Trowa closed his eyes, and leaned back on palms. He let his head roll back, stretching his neck by rolling it from side to side. 

Duo sat down next to him, placing his hand carefully right next to Trowa's hand. "We have a bizarre sort of intimacy, don't we?"

Trowa smiled, inspired to laugh but able to keep it contained. 

Sighing, Duo put his head on Trowa's shoulder. "I'm a little afraid, Tro."

"Me, too." Trowa spoke quietly, aware of how his lips moved as he spoke.

"Are you sure that I can do this?"

Trowa nodded twice.

Duo sighed, and put his hands around Trowa's arm. "Do you want to have sex?"

Opening his eyes, Trowa considered. "I'm not sure I have the stamina."

Laughing, Duo rubbed his cheek against Trowa's shoulder. "I'm sick of sitting around here being depressing and crap. And since I'm gonna be away... Let me spend the night sucking on your cock."

There was a slight warmth on his cheeks now, and Trowa had to bite his lower lip to keep from grinning. "Well... if you insist... I'd like to undress you slowly, if you don't mind."

"I think I can work my way around to accepting that." Duo smiled as he spoke, and Trowa could hear it. "I want to put my hands on every inch of your skin. I want to taste you and smell you and hold you so that when I'm bed by myself in rehab, I can still have you with me, somehow."

Trowa shuddered, and hid the gesture haphazardly by turning to put his arm around Duo. "It won't be so bad," he spoke mechanically, not even bothering to try to believe what he was saying.

"Right." Duo leaned into Trowa's body, and Trowa closed his arms, pulling Duo in tighter. "It'll only a week... before I'll even be able to see you again."

Trowa put his cheek down on Duo's hair. "We won't leave right away. We can take tomorrow off, too."

Duo nodded against Trowa's shirt.

"I want to unbraid your hair, and brush it. Run my fingers through it, and wrap it around my body while you suck me off. And when we're done, I want to wash it, and dry it, and rebraid it for you."

Duo sighed, and burrowed into Trowa. "I... I'm going to miss you, Tro. I don't know... I don't know for sure that I can do this."

Trowa lifted Duo's chin, and kissed him. Their lips and tongues and teeth touched, and Trowa could taste how stale Duo's breath was. "I'm going to miss you, too, Duo."

Duo's eyes were bright. Trowa couldn't tell if it was the way the sun was shining on them or not. "Can we do this?"

Trowa ran his fingers down the side of Duo's face. "We have to, right? Hell, we can do anything, really. It'll just be a memory soon. We'll get through this, and then we'll be in bed together, or on the couch, and we'll remember that we were so nervous. 

"We'll be together when it's over." Trowa didn't leave any room for debate in his tone. He pushed Duo down into the sand, and put one hand on Duo's hip, digging his fingers into Duo's flesh. "When you're scared, just remember that I'm scared, too, ok?" He kissed Duo again, sucking gently on Duo's lips, and brushing at Duo's bangs with his hand. "We're still in this together."

Duo put his hands on Trowa's neck, and sighed, tasting Trowa's lips. "Yeah, ok. I can't... I can't _promise_ you that I won't let you down, but... I'm trying, Tro, ok? For you. I'm trying for you."

"I know." Trowa sighed, and put his hand under Duo's shirt. Duo's skin was cold, and it seemed to tingle under his fingers. "Me, too, ok?"

Duo nodded, his lips curling in a forced smile as his eyes sparkled with fear. "Ok."

Trowa got up to his knees. "Well, let's get back to the room, then. We have plans for tonight."

* * *

  


It looked like a nice enough place. It was secluded, nicely landscaped, and peaceful. The building was a slate grey with large floor-to-ceiling windows. They were parked in front in the small parking lot, staring at the building and the stately sign designating the name of the institution.

"It looks nice."

Trowa nodded slowly. There wasn't much else to say. "I'm sure it's nice on the inside."

"Sure," Duo laughed haltingly, "probably the best institution of mental health and substance abuse on the planet. Think there'll be a mint on my pillow tonight?"

Trowa continued to stare at the front door.

"Think I'll have a pillow tonight?" Duo slunk down in his seat, closing his eyes and putting his hand over his face.

Trowa poked him in the side with his elbow. "You'll have it easy. I'll have to face Une."

Duo panicked silently, his eyes opening widely to stare at Trowa with undisguised horror. "Oh, man, do you think it'll come to that?"

Trowa shrugged. "Forget it. She's a kitten."

Duo choked down a laugh. "Wow, that was way more than I ever wanted to know..."

"Idiot," Trowa muttered affectionately, turning away to hide his smile. 

"Damn," Duo sighed, looking at the building once again. "It does look nice, doesn't it?" 

Trowa nodded, patiently collecting his thoughts so that he could properly address Duo's anxiety. "Want to go in, and see if it is nice inside, too?"

Duo paled. "No."

"C'mon," Trowa urged slyly, "it'll be fun."

Duo laughed.

Trowa enjoyed watching Duo laugh so much, he smiled.

"I guess this is it, huh? We said we were coming today, and we even talked to Relena so we kinda have to go through with it... Right?" Duo gulped hard, and waited for Trowa to tell him what to do.

Shrugging noncommittally, Trowa sighed. "Might as well."

Duo grabbed Trowa's sleeve, and pulled him close for a second. He kissed Trowa on the lips with chaste passion. Trowa leaned closer, but Duo was opening the car door.

"Are you sure you can drive ok? I mean, are your arms all right? We can call a cab or something otherwise..."

"I'll be fine." Trowa got out of the car and closed the door decisively, waiting for Duo to walk around to go up the front walk. "Don't worry about me, ok? Just..." Trowa hadn't expected his voice to catch. He cleared his throat. "Take care of yourself, now."

Duo took Trowa's hand briefly, squeezing Trowa's palm. "I got it, Tro."

Trowa flashed a smile. "I'll be back tomorrow with your things."

Duo rubbed the back of his neck, eyeing the front door with trepidation. "Yeah... ok."

Trowa placed his hand on the small of Duo's back. "Let's go."

Duo nodded, and followed Trowa's nudge.

The front reception area had a fountain that spilled its water over a mound of flat rocks stacked on top of each other. The room was decorated to resemble a natural setting. The girl behind the front desk smiled at them and greeted them quietly, efficiently typing away as soon as she had Duo's name.

"Mr. Maxwell, everything seems to be in order. Your pre-registration is complete in full, so you can head straight into it. Let me page Dr. Mahoney, and she, or one of her assistants, will take you through the orientation." She smiled brightly at both of them, her manner so completely professional, Trowa felt like they were dealing with an automaton.

Duo swallowed hard. "Will we have to separate right away then? I... I thought that there would be, I don't know, paperwork or something..."

She continued to smile brightly. "Your friend - Mr. Barton? - is more than welcome to take the tour of the facilities with you. You can both meet Dr. Mahoney, who has been assigned as your principle therapist. After that, I'm afraid, Mr. Barton will have to leave so that you can complete the rest of the orientation."

Duo nodded, turning to smile weakly at Trowa. Trowa nodded briefly, feeling displaced. He had the desire to fidget, his heart fluttering with fear. He was glad, to his shame, that it wasn't him that was going to be staying in this place. His estimation of Duo was rising, and he wished that they had more time to be together; he didn't know how to let Duo know how he was feeling except to touch him, and they wouldn't have time for that now.

He had no idea at all how to show Duo how proud he was of him.

They stared at the water spilling over the rocks, neither one speaking or looking at each other, but indescribably together in watching the water. Duo put his hands in his pockets, and then took them out, and put them back in again. Trowa watched the water as if he hadn't noticed.

"Hello! You must be Mr. Maxwell!" A young woman in a casual but smart navy pantsuit stepped up to Duo, smiling politely. "I'm Dr. Mahoney. I'm the director of the Phoenix Treatment Center. I'll be your therapist."

Duo shook her hand, maintaining himself despite the fact that he was obviously thrown. "Dr. Mahoney... I didn't realize that you were the director... I hope that you didn't think that I needed any kind of... _special_ treatment..."

She raised one eyebrow, amused. "You don't think so, huh? So, you think the sorts of stressors that have been affecting your judgments are common, then? Don't worry, Mr. Maxwell, we don't assign doctors to patients based on financial concerns. I specialize in post-traumatic stress syndrome, and its related complications. I'm just the best person to help you out. Although... I must say, I am glad to hear that you don't want special treatment. I didn't know what to expect from you. I _was_ afraid that you were going to cop a 'celebrity' attitude." She hugged her clipboard to her chest, and smiled cheerfully.

Trowa found her attitude oddly disquieting. She was too direct.

"Er, celebrity? How could cop that kind of attitude? _I'm_ not a celebrity." Duo sighed and swallowed down a blush. 

Dr. Mahoney shrugged one shoulder absently. "Well, it's good to know that you aren't, at any rate. And you are Mr. Barton?" She reached out to take Trowa's hand. He shook her hand a bit warily, aware that his hand was far too limp. He wanted to say something about how it was nice to meet her, but no words actually crossed his lips. "It's a pleasure to meet you, too. I like to see 'family' involvement in my patient's lives. Would you like to accompany us on a brief tour of our facilities?"

Trowa did not share a glance with Duo. The answer to the question was obvious. Dr. Mahoney knew that, as well. 

It was nice inside, too. It wasn't sterile or fuzzy. It was nice. It looked a little like a resort, except for all the strung-out residents.

And Trowa was pretty sure there were some resorts that were like that, too.

It was too short a tour, thought. They were just taking a turn around the multipurpose room when Dr. Mahoney told them that it was time to separate. Trowa took Duo into his arms to forestall having to see the look in Duo's eyes. If there was anyone who was uncertain as the nature of their relationship, most of the residents got a good view of Duo clinging to Trowa like a vine wrapped around a tree.

Trowa closed his eyes, and kept his head down as Duo left his arms. He waited to hear Duo speak, because he knew that he could not speak.

Duo said nothing, but touched his hand gently before shuffling away.

Trowa looked up in time to see one last look at Duo's braid trailing down his back, and then Duo and Dr. Mahoney were gone and a young man in a white lab coat escorted him to the main entrance.

Trowa sat in the car for nearly an hour, his hands clutching the wheel as he stared blindly into space. He would not see Duo for a week. He would not speak to Duo for a week. He would not have any contact with Duo for a week.

He wanted to go home and cut himself, but it was implicit to his bargain with Duo that he wouldn't. It was going to be a long week.

He turned the key, and forced himself to concentrate on what he needed to do when he got home.

* * *

  


Trowa sat in the car, patiently checking off everything he needed. People from his office were leaving, and as they passed him, they all stopped or slowed down to look. He took no notice of them. 

He hadn't bothered to call his boss. He had called Une directly as soon as he left the treatment center. Une had apparently left nearly sixty messages on his machine while he was gone. It had honestly never occurred to Trowa to check his messages. He had gone to their apartment, and picked up all of his and Duo's badges, and then came straight back to the office.

Une, Quatre, Sally, Wu Fei, and Heero were all waiting for him upstairs, but he took the time to check again to be sure that he had what he needed.

He had been planning what he needed to do for a while now, and he didn't want anything to go awry.

He strolled to the elevator, and got off on the floor for his office. He took from his office the very few personal things he had in his cube. There wasn't anything else important that he had to do there.

He had expected that his boss would have left for the day already, but his luck was never the best.

"Barton!" Trowa swallowed his annoyance, and started to walk to the elevator. "Barton! Just what the hell do you think you are doing? Do you think that you have some special privilege here that allows you, and you alone, to do whatever the hell you want, whenever you want, take off when you want, with no warning, and everything will be fine?" 

His boss' face was bloated and red from his shouting. He looked somewhat how Trowa would imagine a puffer fish would look like, assuming a puffer fish resembled its name.

Trowa felt no need to respond to the man. The sooner he walked away, the sooner Trowa could put him and the office behind him for good.

"Barton! Don't ignore me, come back here!" Now he was shaking with rage, though Trowa did note that that did not encourage him to follow Trowa.

"I have a meeting with Une." Trowa pushed the button for the elevator. "Unless you think what you have to say is more important?"

The elevator dinged wearily, and Trowa got on without another word.

The ride was fairly long, since Une's office was on the top floor, and Trowa used the time to go through a final mental prep. He clasped and unclasped his fists loosely in excited anticipation.

The offices up here were widely spread out, large, and beautifully decorated, a far cry from the bleak office couture of the lower floors. There weren't many people to walk by, and Trowa kept his eyes focused straight ahead, his intent and purpose guiding every step. It was almost time.

The assistant outside of Une's desk waved him in with a small, tight grin that might have been either supportive or judgmental; Trowa didn't care.

Inside, everyone was waiting, in various degrees of grace. Une was placed neatly behind her desk, a small sigh of relief passing from her lips as she saw Trowa. Wu Fei and Sally were standing shoulder to shoulder, in the way that field operatives did, off to the sides. Quatre made a noise that was disturbingly like a squeak as soon as Trowa walked in, and began rambling in a distracting manner.

"Trowa, thank Allah! Where have you been? Why would you let Duo drag you off like that? Do you have any idea what the repercussions to your actions might be? We're all here to support you -- both of you -- but you have to try. You have to participate in your own recovery, or else..."

Trowa did not pay attention. He walked deliberately up to Heero, who was standing defensively at the corner of Une's desk. Trowa's strides were mechanically long, and he knocked Heero onto his back with one fast right hook.

There was general commotion, but before Heero could get up or anyone could get close to him, Trowa pulled his service revolver from his back, where it had been concealed under his jacket, and put it straight into Heero's face.

Heero moved as if he was planning on knocking the gun away, and Trowa put his foot down on Heero's arm. "I would stay down if I were you. I'm not the one with the broken trigger finger."

Heero seethed.

"Just what the _fuck_ did you think you were doing? Did you want him back so badly that you were willing to destroy him?" Trowa had planned what he was going to say dozens of times, composing the exact verbiage as soon as he had heard that Heero was going to be here. He had said it aloud, even, in the apartment, but now he didn't recognize his voice. His arm shook, and he had to steady the gun with his other hand. He felt his whole being consume with rage. "He could have _died_ , Heero! He nearly died."

Heero wiped the trace of blood from the corner of his mouth and sneered. "And what a loss to the world _that_ would have been."

Trowa shoved the end of the gun into Heero's face. "And how many people do you think will grieve over _your_ rotted corpse?"

"Trowa!" Quatre squealed, "What do you think you are doing?"

"Barton," Wu Fei was behind him, speaking calmly, "you want to put the gun down."

"I want to blow that fucking condescending smirk off your filthy face, you murderer." Trowa's eyes were narrowed, and the longer he stared at Heero, the more he felt like he would spontaneously combust with rage. 

Heero growled, practically baring his teeth.

Trowa smirked. "What, you don't like that? You _are_ a murderer, you know. You're no better than him, or me. Do you really hate him that much, that you want him to die?"

"Yes," Heero hissed, and Trowa was imperceptibly shocked at the honesty of it.

"Mr. Barton, if you've spent your testosterone now, I'd appreciate it if you put that gun away and let Mr. Yuy up." Une flicked dust off the edge of her sleeve, her nose wrinkled with distaste. "I just had new carpeting put in, and bloodstains are impossible to get out, so if you have to kill Mr. Yuy, you can do it elsewhere."

There was a tense moment when Trowa felt like he was at the crux of a decision. He had never intended to do any permanent harm to Heero, which is why he hadn't bothered to load the gun, but he was stirred by the swelling desire to beat Heero's face with the gun until there was no face left.

Everything dissipated, as if nothing extraordinary was happening. Trowa straightened his back, and stepped away from Heero, moving to stand in front of Une's desk like the dedicated underling. There was a lingering ache in his arms, and his heart was beating, but everything else seemed to be muted and dulled.

The moment was over now.

Wu Fei watched Heero pick himself up, and his dark eyes were haunted by consideration. He had clearly heard and understood more of what Trowa had said than Quatre, who was rushing to help Heero, fussing like an overprotective nanny.

Sally cleared her throat delicately. "How is Duo?"

"Alive." Trowa shook off the last clinging tremors of passion, and elucidated. "He has gone into treatment."

Une smiled brightly. "That's very good to hear. I wish that I could offer you the unqualified support of the Preventers, but there are repercussions, not only of the illegal use of narcotics, but also of evading investigation. Both of you should have known better." There was a weary reproach in that, but Trowa was not affected. "Irregardless, I want you to know that I personally will do whatever I can to make things as easy as possible for both of you."

"We'll make it easier for you." Trowa laid his and Duo's badges down, as well as his gun and Duo's master keys to the garages.

Une blinked. "That isn't necessary, you know, I realize that the situation is not ideal, but we can..."

"We are tendering our resignations." Trowa was firm but considerate in his tone.

"Trowa, no!" Quatre protested weakly, his hands flailing in front of him. "Think about what you are doing here!"

We Fei crossed his arms over his chest. "You and Duo have decided this together?"

Trowa nodded slowly, meeting Wu Fei's eyes. "We had some time to talk."

Wu Fei nodded, and bowed his head. "And this treatment Maxwell is undergoing... Is it good?"

"The best." Trowa smiled faintly.

Sally stepped forward, her posture indicating that she did not wish to interfere. "May I ask where?"

"The Phoenix Treatment Center."

Sally nodded, smiling. "Yeah, they're good. If you want me to discuss anything with the doctors there, or if you need an intermediary, please think of me, all right?"

Trowa nodded, dazed. He had never had much interaction with Sally, but she seemed really concerned.

Une stood up, fingering the badges on her desk with dissatisfaction. "Places like that are expensive. If you stayed with us, we could subsidize your expenditures, help you..."

"We're fine." Trowa clasped his hands behind his back, and stared at the wall behind Une's shoulder. 

She sighed. "Well, you were never the type to take help easily... And I know that the working situation here has been deplorable. I have tried to make better use of both of your talents, but we have so many different groups regulating our activities, it isn't easy. All the same, I don't want you to think that either of you are alone in this, Mr. Barton. We _all_ care about Duo, and want to see him functioning and happy. That goes for you, too. So, _please_ , if you need anything..."

Trowa extended his hand, and shook Une's hand, applying pressure to the space between her thumb and forefinger with his thumb. "Thank you."

He turned to leave right away, but Wu Fei put a hand on his arm. Trowa looked down at the offending appendage as if it were potentially hazardous. He was almost positive that Wu Fei had never voluntarily touched him before.

"I do care for both of you, Barton. Please keep me updated." 

Trowa and Wu Fei considered each other's faces. Trowa found nothing lacking, and nodded succinctly. 

"Oh, and Mr. Barton?" Trowa turned just as he was about to open the door. Heero was doing his best imitation of a sulk off to the side, and Quatre's eyes were panicked, his jaw slack. Une was grinning from ear to ear. "Good luck."

Trowa nodded, and walked away.

He realized that Quatre had followed him out, but he was pretty sure that this was not the sort of thing that he needed to attend to right away.

Quatre's constant calls begged to differ.

Trowa got to the elevator, and pushed the button. For once, there was an elevator right there. Duo might have thought that it was a good omen, or maybe some sinister plot to make him _think_ it was a good omen.

Trowa could even hear Duo's voice as he joked about the probability of the cable being slashed.

"Trowa, wait up!"

Trowa did not bother to hold the elevator, but Quatre was fast, and caught up in time to get his arm into the door before it closed completely.

Trowa stared straight ahead, crossing his arms over his chest, and waited for Quatre to say what he would.

"Thanks," Quatre smiled unnecessarily. "Trowa, what was going on with Heero in there?"

"He's jealous," Trowa spoke distinctly, evidently of the attitude that the answer to the question was apparent.

"Of you?" Quatre sounded a little too disbelieving for Trowa's comfort. "Well, you should be more cautious. I doubt that Duo would thank you for killing Heero."

Trowa disliked the implication there, and shifted his feet, aggravated. "I don't know, he might not mind. All things considered."

Quatre sighed, the sound of someone who had never felt the deprivation of anything feeling put out. "Well, I take it as a given that there is a considerable amount of history that no one has bothered to tell me about. We are quite a lot, aren't we? Thank Allah for Wu Fei, or else someone might do a study on how piloting a Gundam negatively affects your ability to function as a member of society."

Despite himself, Trowa's mouth twitched in a grin.

Quatre smiled, a reserved sense of elation beaming from his eyes. "It's nice to know I can still amuse you, if nothing else."

Trowa shrugged noncommittally. "From time to time."

The elevator pinged, and the doors swished open. "Wait, let me walk with you... Look, I... I need to talk to you."

Trowa put his hands in his pockets, and ambled steadily toward his car.

"Trowa, I realize that... that with everything with Duo, my timing here in incredibly inappropriate, and I know that you think that I hate Duo or something, but that just isn't the case." Trowa recognized this tone of voice from Quatre. This was the one he used when he didn't realize that he was trying to manipulate someone into giving in to him. 

Trowa considered it to be a dangerous tone of voice, but he felt oddly detached from the experience of hearing it again.

"I don't hate Duo. He will always be one of my greatest and dearest friends. I can't... I can't say that I approve of some of his choices, but then, I'm willing to concede that there are things I don't know that informed those choices."

Trowa hid his surprise with studied care. It was a large concession for Quatre.

They arrived at Trowa's car, and he pulled out the keys slowly, jangling them as he eyed the key to unlock the door. It had occurred to Trowa that this was a conversation that they both needed to have, and so even though he wanted to be alone, he did not interfere with the progression of Quatre's thoughts.

Quatre stood directly opposite Trowa, and put his hand on Trowa's arm, just above the wrist. Trowa knew that it was no accident that Quatre was cradling the very spot that he had cut the deepest during his last and greatest suicide attempt. 

"I know that you have this relationship with Duo, and you care for him, but... I do still love you, Trowa. As much as, if not more than, I ever did. I know that I screwed up. I took you for granted, and I put other obligations before you. I can't change the past or what I've done, but if you give me the chance, I'd like to try to make amends." Quatre stepped deliberately into Trowa's personal space in one long stride, and Trowa could smell the aftershave on Quatre's smooth chin, and the slight tinge of perfumed odor from Quatre's hair. "I can do things better than before. I can love you better. I... I was immature, and cruel, and I can see that now, but I can change, and we can try again. Please, Trowa?"

It was a far better apology than Trowa had dreamed of, back when he dreamed of such things, but he didn't have to think about the answer for very long.

"No."

Quatre wilted. "But why?"

The question was surprisingly direct and guileless, as Trowa had remembered Quatre being during the war. "Because. My life is with Duo now."

"But..." Quatre trailed off, and then stepped back with a sigh. "I don't understand."

Trowa unlocked his car door, and shrugged. "I don't suppose you will. But you will respect it."

Quatre met Trowa's eyes with squared shoulders. "Of course."

Trowa nodded, but he didn't know what else to say. Quatre grinned, and leaned in to kiss Trowa's cheek.

"I never thought that you would pick someone else over me," Quatre admitted with too much honesty. "My loss, my error... and my regret, I guess."

Trowa nodded stiffly, and turned to get into the car.

Quatre folded his arms over his heart, and looked away. "Duo better take care of you."

Trowa nodded. "He is."

* * *

  


Trowa held the flowers in his hands tightly, bending the stems a little. He wasn't sure why he had brought them at all; Duo was sure to hate them. They were daisies, with pure white petals and blood red centers. They smelled faintly of lasagna.

They were an unfortunate choice of flower.

Trowa adjusted his tie. He was wearing the suit from Christmas. It was tight, and binding in the shoulders. He felt like he had to work to breathe properly.

He was going to see Duo for the first time in a week. Behind the building, there was a small nature reserve, with rolling expanses of grass and trees.

Duo was near a small lake, or large pond. Duo was waiting by the water. He had been told.

Trowa walked for what felt like ages. There was no one else around. The ground sloped upward, and he plodded step by step up the grass to the crest of the hill.

He couldn't find Duo or the water, but he wasn't worried yet. He adjusted his tie again, peering out to find some glimpse of the water. It had already been a full week since he had seen Duo. The anticipation was making him nauseous with excitement.

He finally saw the gleam of the sun on water. His steps came faster and faster, and he ignored the safety of his flowers as tried to get to Duo faster. As he got closer, he could see a bench by the side of the pond, and a figure sitting on the bench, patiently waiting, a long braid trailing so far down that the bob of hair at the bottom was kissing the tall grass.

Trowa was at the top of a hill, and the pond was below, across a small meadow. He considered calling out. Generally, he hated to raise his voice like that, but this was a special occasion.

He hadn't seen Duo in a week.

A figure came from the trees. Trowa could see that it was a man, but the man's back was turned to him. Duo must have heard the man approach, because he turned. Duo got up immediately, smiling broadly.

A thread of panic wove its way though Trowa's circulatory system.

Duo tried to embrace the man, who pushed him away. Trowa started to walk toward them, watching them closely. The man slapped Duo across the face, and Duo got down on his knees.

Trowa felt his stomach drop, and he wondered how he had failed to recognize the back of Heero's head. He dropped the flowers, and started to jog toward Duo and Heero. He even called out, but he was still too far away.

Duo clawed at Heero's waist, seemingly begging for Heero's attention. Heero growled, and pulled out his gun.

"No!" Trowa started to run. He didn't know how close he would have to be before they would be able to hear him; otherwise, they were just ignoring him. He stretched out his legs and ran hard enough to feel the burn in his thighs.

Heero held the gun at waist level, and like an obedient puppy, Duo immediately took to his task. He wrapped his lips around the barrel, moving his mouth up and down slowly, his eyes on Heero at all times. He stroked the handle of the gun, and Heero's two hands holding it, gently with his hands as he tongued and sucked on the barrel.

Trowa could feel his heart pounding in his chest. It didn't matter how fast he ran, or how loud he yelled, Duo and Heero never seemed to get any closer or pay any attention to him. And yet, he could hear Duo's mouth on the gun, the wet sound of his lips and his tongue moving over the hard black metal barrel. He could hear Heero's grunts of grudging approval.

They could not, or would not, hear him.

Heero was becoming more and more agitated. His head thrashed back several times, and Trowa knew it was about to happen. He wasn't going to get there in time; there was still too much distance, and Duo was too busy with his work. Duo's head was bobbing up and down the barrel now, his thumbs caressing Heero's hands on the handle.

Heero grunted and moaned, and then he threw his head back, screaming, and he pulled the trigger.

Trowa sat up in bed.

His forehead was sopping wet with perspiration, his heart still hammering in his chest. He could swear that he still felt the exertion of the run in his legs, and the scent of the flowers still lingered around him.

He didn't even remember going to bed. He had been on the couch, like he normally did when he was alone. When did he come into the bedroom?

He could see it so clearly. Duo's head exploding as Heero's gun went off, the spray of brains and bone and blood shooting out like fireworks from behind where Duo's head had been.

And Heero had been laughing. Trowa could hear the manic peals of joy, and he felt sick right down to his bones.

He _needed_ to see Duo.

He threw on some clothes that were by the bed, slipped into some shoes, and grabbed his car keys. It was late, still, just before 4am, and the roads were pitch black. There was a biting chill in the air, and a hazy darkness over everything, as if the universe were trying to keep its inhabitants asleep.

Trowa drove fast, his tires squealing at corners. He pushed the car to its limits, to the point where he felt like it was going to fly apart, and kept his eyes firmly on the road.

He needed to see Duo.

There were no cars in the front lot of the treatment center. Trowa supposed that there was some back lot for the employees to park in, but his main interest was on the front door.

There was no resistance. Trowa moved quickly and cautiously. There was no one at the front desk, so he tried the doors to the interior of the center.

He managed to get to the end of the multipurpose room before he was stopped.

"Excuse me!" A young woman in scrubs hurried alongside a man in a security uniform. "I'm sorry, sir, but there are no visiting hours now."

Trowa saw no reason to be disrespectful. They were only doing their jobs. "I have to see Duo Maxwell."

He continued to walk toward the patient living areas, but the security guard grabbed his arm. Trowa stared down at the man's hand on his arm. He showed his glare to the security guard, who swallowed hard, involuntarily loosening his grip.

"I'm very sorry, sir," the woman nervously looked from man to man, clearly wishing that she could be anywhere but right there. "But I'm afraid that there are absolutely no visiting hours at this time."

"I need to see him," Trowa reasoned, his voice sounding more intense than he had anticipated. "I need... I need to know that he's all right."

The security guard nearly dropped his hold on Trowa's arm, resettling his feet so that he had a looser stance. Trowa wasn't sure, because he wasn't paying close attention, but he thought perhaps the guard was sympathetic.

The young woman sounded crushed. "I'm so sorry, sir, but I really can't allow any visitors... I'm not familiar with Mr. Maxwell, but I _can_ assure you that all of our residents are perfectly safe. Is there some reason you are worried about him?"

"Excuse me, what seems to be the problem?" A tired but affable Dr. Mahoney appeared on the scene. 

Trowa sighed. "Please. I need to see Duo."

She crossed her arms over her chest absently. "Now, Mr. Barton, it's only been two days. You know he's in isolation for a week."

Trowa pulled his arm from the guard's lax grasp, and faced Dr. Mahoney. "Please. I need to know he's all right."

Dr. Mahoney's eyes widened slightly at the intensity of his words. "He's fine. I saw him at lights out. And a nurse checked on him two hours ago. Actually... he's been responding well. He's... a _bit_ tight-lipped, but everything is proceeding normally."

Trowa's shoulders slumped, and his head drooped. He wasn't going to be able to see Duo, he could tell.

Dr. Mahoney reached out and touched his shoulder in a brief but comforting way. "I know it's hard, but it's _essential_ that he has this time to really focus on the job at hand. I know that you care for him, so you need to give him this time. This is as hard on you as it is on him, no doubt, but please, put your faith in me. I won't let you down."

Trowa looked up into her clear greyish eyes. "No offense, but I don't know you. I've put my faith in Duo."

Dr. Mahoney grinned from ear to ear. "Good, that's what I like to hear."

"Can't I just..." Trowa cleared his throat, trying hard to appeal to her sense of compassion, though he had no idea how Duo or Quatre always did that. "Can't I just... look in on him? If I could just see him..."

Dr. Mahoney sighed. "I'm sorry."

He turned away quickly, and moved to the door. He didn't look up or stop walking to speak. "He's fine, though, right, you swear?"

"Yes," Dr. Mahoney responded with encouraging firmness, "he's fine."

Trowa wandered back out to his car. He had no choice but to believe her.


	13. Chapter 13

Trowa stood in front of the window, and looked down onto the street below. It was a grey world downtown. It was raining, and most people on the streets had raincoats tightly bundled around them, or umbrella up. The wet cement of the sidewalk, and the asphalt of the road, and the wet people and cars all streamed below him. He felt an uneasy sense of disconnect that was unsettling.

The door to the office opened, but Trowa didn't look up.

"Mr. Barton!" Dr. Clarkson was understandably surprised. "We don't have an appointment this morning, do we?"

Trowa said nothing. A mother was walking her two children down the street, fighting against the crowd to get them where she wanted to go. There were a million tiny details about her that advertised that she was not accustomed to the city. Trowa watched as her daughter jogged to keep up, her white tights wet all the way up to the bottom of her skirt. He wondered if anything would happen to them.

"Of course, we almost certainly _don't_ have an appointment; if we did, you wouldn't be here." The doctor put down his briefcase on top of his desk, and pulled his beige trench coat off irritably. "Did I leave the office door unlocked?"

Trowa turned away from the window, and regarded the doctor. "I just came to formally end Duo's and my relationship with you."

"How considerate," Dr. Clarkson replied, a condescension lending cynicism to his voice, "especially since you have neglected to attend any sessions for the past two weeks."

"To be fair," Trowa sighed, "Duo has been seeing a real psychologist for nearly a week now."

"Excuse me?" Dr. Clarkson's hackles raised, and Trowa almost laughed at his deplorable defenses.

He took a deep breath, and savored the moment. "He almost died, you know. He has problems."

Dr. Clarkson crossed his arms over his chest in a gesture that was both dismissive and nervous. "I'm well aware of Mr. Maxwell's problems. And of yours..."

"You haven't got the slightest clue," Trowa contradicted, his voice more emotional than he expected. "Even though it was your job to help him."

"I tried!" Dr. Clarkson threw his hands up in a frantic gesture of defeat. "I can't help someone who won't open up! It's a process that requires cooperation."

Trowa sneered. "You were too damn busy picturing him naked to care. I know he's attractive. I know a helluva lot better than you ever will. But it was your job to care."

Dr. Clarkson opened his mouth to reply, but his brain lagged behind his body, and there was only silence.

"You don't deserve to call yourself a doctor." Trowa walked away, leaving the condemnation behind him.

He stepped out onto the street, having forgotten about the rain until it splattered on his head. He looked up at the sky, the rain falling in gentle sheets, the clouds long blankets of grey. He stood in the rain until his hair was completely wet, and his skin was cold.

He felt numb, but there was a lingering buzz in his fingers. Tomorrow, he would be able to see Duo again.

It was shaping out to be a good morning.

* * *

  


Trowa sat on the bench next to the fountain, the bubbling water spilling over the rocks annoyingly soothing in a distracting way. He sat with his leg crossed at his ankles, and he stared straight ahead. Whenever anyone caught his eye, he nodded with formal politeness.

He had known that visiting hours did not begin until 11am, but he hadn't actually slept the night before. As soon as the first rays of light delineated his room, he got dressed with spastic energy. Once he had been dressed, it was hard to stay in the apartment, so he got his keys and went to the car. He stopped at a drive-through to get breakfast, because once in the car, he didn't want to get out of the car until he was at the treatment center. He didn't eat the greasy egg and sausage sandwich, and seriously considered his sanity for having purchased it, and that meant that he had nowhere else to go.

He had sat in his car for fully two hours waiting. His windows got foggy, and he had started to get really chilled. His hands had shifted nervously over his lap, and foot had fidgeted. He had no longer been able to keep still.

The receptionist looked mildly concerned when he entered, explaining about visiting hours before he could get to the desk, so he sat down right away.

It was soothing, just to be in the right building. To know that it was soon, and that he wouldn't have to wait forever. That he was going to see Duo again.

In the blank time in between, his mind invariably was left alone to wander.

He had never felt this way before. He had never been so nervous. It was disconcerting, to say the least. He had known for a while now that Duo had managed to become a larger part of his life than he had initially been willing to allow, but new and frightening ramifications were materializing.

There were certain things that were becoming hard to deny.

The receptionist stood up, and walked across the lobby to stand in front of Trowa, her heels clicking against the decorative tile. "It's time," she smiled. "Let me take you back."

He stood up slowly, his head feeling lighter than his body anticipated. He walked behind her, each step feeling distinct. They walked into the treatment center proper, and Trowa followed as she led him past the multipurpose room, past the kitchen and dining room, past single patient treatment room, and to the door leading outside.

She stood aside as she got to the door, extending a hand in invitation. "Dr. Mahoney said that Mr. Maxwell went to sit by the pond after his session this morning. Follow the path, and it is to your right." She smiled brightly at him, and he tried to do something other than nod stupidly.

There was a knot of fear choking him, but he followed her directions regardless.

Trowa watched for Duo, keeping his fists clenched until he saw him.

Duo was sitting on a bench next to a small hole that had been filled with water. There was a small fountain in the middle of the hole, spitting water up into the air. Trowa stopped dead in his tracks as soon as he saw him; for a moment, it was difficult to think. Duo's hair was neatly, but loosely, braided, and he wore the thin clothes of a long-term patient, with a small, open sweatshirt jacket hung over his torso. He was staring off into space, his expression blankly disquieted. His skin looked pale, and his eyes looked dark and puffy. He even looked like he had lost some weight.

Trowa was smiling unconsciously when he sat down. "Hey."

Duo's gaze drifted to Trowa, and he pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around his calves. "Hey."

Trowa's arm reached out over the length of the top of the bench, stopping respectfully when he was within Duo's space. "How are you?"

Duo nodded absently. "I would honestly commit wholesale slaughter of the innocents for a bottle of whiskey and a cigarette. Other than that, great."

Trowa ducked his head down, laughing quietly to himself. "Good."

Duo nodded in response, his expression seemingly awakening.

"So, they treat you ok?"

Duo shrugged half-heartedly. "Everyone is really nice. It takes the bounce out of praying for their painful demise. I think... I think I'm starting to get used to it."

Trowa nodded. "I've missed you."

Duo reacted, although Trowa puzzled, cataloging every tiny facet of the reaction, trying to read Duo's mood. "Yeah."

There was a space of silence, and Trowa wanted to move closer to Duo, but he was content to be on the same bench. Duo was fixedly looking away from Trowa, his body tense and alert. His eyes would dart to check on Trowa every few seconds. Duo swallowed hard, and looked away.

"So, what have you been up to?"

Trowa shifted a little so that he was facing Duo completely. "Oh, not much. I resigned for both of us."

Duo looked startled, blinking rapidly. "Oh, yeah. I forgot. How did that go?"

"Ok," Trowa nodded. "Une was nice about it. I got to punch Heero in the face. Oh, and I saw Dr. Clarkson yesterday, to officially end our patronage of his services."

Duo shook his head. "Some guys get all the fun..."

Trowa took Duo's braid into his hand gently, and ran his fingers over the coils of hair. "I've missed you."

Duo nodded. After the space of several heartbeats, when Trowa's words had faded away completely, Duo turned and leaned on Trowa's shoulder, cuddling himself against Trowa. "Yeah."

Trowa had the extreme pleasure of putting his arms around Duo. Duo was boney and thin, and even through the jacket, he felt cold. Trowa put his face against the top of Duo's head, and sighed. "I worried about you."

Trowa's voice sounded like it was in a dream, like it wasn't very close to Duo after all. Duo put his hand on Trowa's chest, and sighed. "Yeah."

"What do you think of it?"

"Of what? Here?" Duo closed his eyes. "I don't know."

Trowa put his lips against the skin of Duo's temple. "You can do this." He wasn't even quite sure that he had spoke aloud, but Duo squeezed his eyes shut tighter, and sighed.

They sat on the bench for long enough to get cold and stiff, but neither moved until the orderly regretfully announced that Duo had another session. They stood up together, somehow ending up holding hands and facing each other when they were both on their feet. Duo pulled his hands away, and Trowa did not try to stop them, and as they walked back inside, Trowa could still feel the tingle of friction in his palms.

They got to the branch where Duo would walk away. Trowa stood awkwardly, trying not to stare at the wall.

"You'll come back tomorrow?" Duo's voice was uncertain, but the weak hope that colored the words made Trowa smile.

He put his hand on Duo's cheek, and leaned in to kiss Duo's lips. "Of course."

Duo nodded, his cheeks pinked just enough to give him color. "Ok."

Trowa nodded, and went to walk away. He had to mentally remind himself to put one foot in front of the other, trying not to think about Duo standing behind him, watching him leave.

"Tro?"

He turned. Duo looked like a child, his eyes large and worried.

"I'm trying."

Trowa nodded. "Me, too."

Duo nodded, and turned to go to his session, his head down and his shoulders slumped.

Everything seemed black and white to Trowa for the rest of the day, like the world was nothing more than a grainy, silent film from ages past.

* * *

  


The apartment was empty. Trowa drifted from room to room, his eyes narrowed, his hands rubbing his arms. He sat down on the couch, only to bounce back up a moment later. He was restless. He was nervous.

Relena had left him a message. Several, in fact. He didn't listen to them. He played the messages, her voice becoming the ambient noise that surrounded him, but he didn't listen.

His mind was running in tight circles around his visit with Duo. He was rehearing everything Duo had said, reseeing everything about Duo, refeeling Duo in his arms...

His arms hurt. They ached, and he kept rubbing them. If he wore a rough linen shirt, he might be able to tear his skin off if he rubbed hard enough. He didn't own any rough linen shirts, though. He wanted to cut them. He visualized the thin lines of red, the droplets of blood eking out, the sizzling touch of the blade...

He had always thought of his cutting as a choice, which meant that he could always choose to not cut. But he had already chosen not to cut, and he still felt the burn of the blood in his arms, the pain in his flesh, the ache in his bones...

He tried to sit down again. His thoughts were drifting alarmingly. There were fourteen hours between now and when he could see Duo again. That was more than half a day, that was nearly 60% of a day.

He tried to listen to Relena's messages again. Her voice had the effect of bubbling over his ears, so that even when he thought he was listening, he would find that there were gaps. She wanted him to get a job. He heard that.

The idea had merit, of course. There were bills to pay; the rent was due in a week, and the utilities would be trickling all the time. Plus, gas money to drive out to the treatment center, and food, enough so that Duo wouldn't worry. His bank account was healthy, but it wouldn't remain so without an income.

The problem was that he had no idea how to rectify the situation. It was all well and good to know that he needed a job, but they didn't exactly just hand those things out. The job with the Preventers had been set up while he had been recovering in the hospital. He had never been on a job interview in his life.

And how did people even find jobs? Did he need a resume? Should he look in the paper? Maybe that was a good idea. Maybe in the morning, he would get a paper, and go through the want ads. That was a plan.

The deception was not enough to calm his thirst. The apartment was still empty. He drifted into the bedroom, but could not bring himself to sit on the bed. He sat in the window, and stared down at the alley.

The alley was empty, too. It was dark, and empty, and there was nothing to watch, not even a cat or rat.

He pinched his wrists, and stared at the wall. His arms _hurt_. He didn't know how much longer he could just sit there. And the more he wandered around, the likelier it would be that he would wander into the bathroom. And if he wandered into the bathroom, he might break his promise to Duo.

He closed his eyes, and imagined Duo lying in a cot in the treatment center, his braid on the bed next to him. He imagined Duo's hair unbound, thick bunches of hair splayed all around. He imagined his hands in Duo's hair, Duo's lips touching his...

He looked down at his hand between his legs in horrored fascination. He felt nothing. He pulled his hand out, and got up quickly, walking to the kitchen with his hand held out from his body. He turned the water in the sink onto hot, and held the hand there, letting the water heat up. When the water was near scalding, he picked up the bottle of dish soap, and filled the palm of the hand with the viscous blue fluid. He dared to put the other hand on the hand, and scrubbed. 

The water was hot, and his hands felt burned, and he kept both hands under the water until the water started to cool again. Disappointed, he took his hands out of the water, and scrubbed them dry on a dishtowel. He kept scrubbing them long after all the water had disappeared, just rubbing his hands vigorously against the cloth. He stared at the tile on the kitchen floor, and scrubbed.

His hands were raw and red, but they did not bleed. He wouldn't have to explain this to Duo, but he didn't have the release.

He went to sit down on the couch. He felt exhausted, but he couldn't keep his eyes closed. His thoughts still flittered around, unfocused and restless. He wanted to turn on the television, but it was too far away. The remote was sitting on the table next to him, but it wasn't in his hands. 

Duo was gone. 

He kept spinning around that point. He started to hate the quiet, but he did nothing to change it. He got up again, and walked away from the living room.

He put on his jacket, and walked out the door.

He had nowhere to go, and nothing to do, but he walked fast, keeping his eyes straight ahead. It was late enough that the streets were emptying, and most of the lights were out in the stores and windows. But it was still early enough that the streets weren't _empty_ , not entirely.

He walked almost all the way to Preventers' headquarters, and then detoured sharply to avoid actually being in sight of the Preventers' campus. He took the path through the park that Duo and he had eaten in on several occasions in the past. In the park, there was a stillness that was absent in the streets, even with the streets so quiet. There was a darkness that was more encompassing, and Trowa was more than happy to bask in it. He sat down on what he supposed was the exact bench that Duo and he had sat on, and he watched the night.

He let his thoughts bleed away into the blackness around him, let his body go completely still, and he watched.

The noise of cars on the street started to break into his reverie, and before he knew it, there was light illuminating the emptiness of the park. He stood up in disgust, and walked back to the apartment.

He slowed his stride as he neared his building. Parked next to the entrance was a long, stylish limo. The driver was standing next to the limo, keeping an eye on the denizens of the neighborhood warily. Relena was at the door, pressing a button he was left to assume was theirs.

It was a quandary. On the one hand, he could turn around, and pretend that he had someplace else that he wanted to be. But, Relena had helped Duo, and him, and it seemed unmannerly to ignore her now.

The question became moot when Relena saw him standing there. She made her usual cheerful greetings, and Trowa scowled, cursing the slowness of his brain.

"Trowa! Oh, thank heavens! I've been trying to reach you for days, but I suppose that you've been busy."

Her face was expectant and hopeful, and he didn't have the heart to be aloof. He nodded gravely, and spoke quietly. "Sorry. Duo's doing well."

She beamed. "Well, that takes care of my first question, although I knew that he would be. He's got such amazing strength."

Trowa nodded, though he wondered how she would know about Duo's strength.

"Do you have time for breakfast? There's something I want to discuss with you, if that's all right?"

She was being so solicitous, and friendly. It made Trowa feel sick, and sick of himself. He didn't know how to refuse her, so he got carried along with her to the limo.

They drove in companionable silence, although Relena chatted aimlessly about something Trowa wasn't listening to; he watched the scenery go by from his window, and tried to keep his face from forming a scowl.

They stopped in an office building, and Relena rushed in with styled grace, like an orderly typhoon sweeping by efficiently from point A to B. Trowa followed in her wake, his hands in his pockets, his eyes cast downward. There was a cacophony of 'Hello, Miss Relena,' and 'Good morning, Ms. Peacecraft,' and 'How do you do, Relena?' Trowa did not look up at any of the myriad of people that littered Relena's life. Their chatter and busyness reminded him of an insect hive. 

They went into Relena's office, which was roughly the size of their whole apartment. There was a small meeting table in a nook to the side, and breakfast for two was sumptuously laid out. Relena smiled nervously, and shrugged. "Forgive my liberty, but I was really hoping to kidnap you for a while.

"We have a lot to discuss."

Trowa stood by the table, his hands still in his pockets, and he stared at the eggs, as if he could discern the source of their betrayal if he looked hard enough. Relena sat down, and placed her napkin over her lap in a business-like fashion. She looked up at him with such blank expectation, he found himself sitting down.

She smiled, and poured him a glass of orange juice, freshly squeezed, no doubt. "Thank you for indulging me. I know I'm butting in where I don't belong, and, honestly, tell me to mind my own damn business if you like, but I still want to be helpful. To tell you the truth, Heero told me about what happened with the Preventers. After I asked him 500 times about his black eye." She winked at Trowa, her mouth twisted in a grin that was clearly a restrained laugh. "And I think, good for you! It may seem strange to hear it from me, but why would anyone put up with the bureaucracy of a government-run organization if they didn't have to?"

It did sound strange, but thankfully Trowa did not have to say so, as Relena continued to talk. 

"Anyway, they weren't using your talents, and they weren't facilitating your growth. I mean, I know she's done wonderful things since the war, but Une is not exactly someone who _nurtures_ , is she?" There was more than the slight condemnation in her eyes, and Trowa had to admit, he admired the way she was able to subjugate her personal feelings for the good of the many. "But. This does leave you unemployed. And I wouldn't interfere! It's not that I'm afraid that I won't get paid back, _you_ know, but I am concerned, and I want to be a good friend."

Trowa blinked, and blindly raised a slice of toast to his lips. She was perfectly happy carrying on the one-sided conversation while eating away. There were tiny lines next to her eyes that he had never seen before, and he thought about all the energy she must expend in a day, being so cheerful. No wonder she was willing to go to such extremes to get out of the public eye.

"So. I have a contact at a university research lab who needs an assistant, part time. It's a well-funded project, so they can pay you reasonably well, and the work is a little dangerous, but nothing you can't handle." She dismissed any nascent doubts with confidence.

He blinked. He supposed this meant that he didn't need a newspaper. "What sort of project?"

She bounced in her seat just a little, and leaned forward. "Well, it's a physics lab, and they are working on clean energy sources. They have some sort of engine that they test basically everyday. They need a technician to operate, maintain, and set up the engine. Does that sound interesting? Would you like to meet her?"

Trowa swallowed uncomfortably. "Well, I have to visit Duo every day. The visiting hours start at 11am."

"Oh, that's no problem!" She batted away his concern with a flick of her wrist. "They do their testing early, so they can analyze the results and make adjustments. I don't honestly understand what they do, but Dr. Levin said that she would be thrilled if she could find someone to work from 6 to 10 am. That's why I thought of you, because it sounds so perfect! You can work, and then go to see Duo, and then have the whole evening to yourself. I mean, obviously, that's just part time work, but that's all right, isn't it? Because, I was thinking, you know, if you, I don't know, wanted to take any courses or anything there, then that would be doubly perfect." Her body language changed, and she looked to Trowa like a cat who was pretending to not be hiding a treat. "The university has a great online program, and if you were working there, you could take classes for free."

Trowa leaned back. Relena was quite crafty, but she also had a point. A job that didn't interfere with visiting hours was perfect. "Ok."

"Really?!?!" Relena bounced in her seat again. Trowa pushed back from the table a little, cautious. "That's great! I'll have Jorge take you to see her right after breakfast! Oh, this is fabulous! Thank you so much for letting me help you out like this! I'll call Dianna right away, to let her know that you're coming."

Trowa sat there, and picked up a slice of orange. He wondered if there would ever be a time in his life when the course of his actions would be determined by his own choices.

* * *

  


Duo was waiting for him in the multipurpose room, sitting on a couch, his legs folded under his body, his arms wrapped around his stomach. He was staring straight ahead, away from the door. Trowa coughed a little as he approached, to be sure that he wasn't taking Duo by surprise.

Duo didn't react as he sat down next to him, although Trowa could feel Duo's concentration on him. He placed a bagel wrapped in a napkin down on the couch right next to Duo's knee. Duo looked down at it for a moment, and then raised his eyes to smile at Trowa.

Trowa turned and put his elbow on the top of the couch. "So. How are you?"

"Fine," Duo replied, his eyes rolling a bit as if it were an unavoidably obvious question. "Thanks." He nodded down at the bagel, keeping his arms where they were around his waist.

"No problem." Trowa put his arm down on the couch, his hand just an inch or less from Duo's shoulder.

Duo shied away, and sighed. "Are you going to come every day?"

Trowa blinked. "Yes."

Duo nodded, and Trowa wasn't sure about his reaction. 

"Everything ok?" Trowa felt like his grip was slipping on something important, but the only thing to do was to keep holding on; he only wished that he knew better what to say.

Duo shrugged, and looked away. 

Trowa nodded, and looked at his fingernails. "I got a job."

Duo's eyes widened, but he didn't look at Trowa. "Oh. Cool."

"It looks ok. It's only part time." Trowa wanted to get up and walk around. He didn't want to be motionless if he was going to be kept so far away from Duo.

"Oh." Duo unwound one arm from its protective position, and reached for the bagel. "You shouldn't make sacrifices for me like that, though. Did you get any sleep last night?"

Trowa looked more keenly at Duo. "How did you know?"

Duo smiled faintly. "You're talking slower."

Trowa thought about it, and he felt himself grinning a little. "The apartment is empty."

Duo nodded, the smile fading from his face.

"How did you sleep?" Trowa wasn't sure why he asked, or what answer he thought he was going to get.

Duo sighed. "Ok. I had a nightmare."

Trowa didn't know what to say. It was in the past, now, and any comfort he could offer, then, would be hours cold.

Duo shrugged. "We were kissing, naked. You wanted me to cut you, so I was. Then I was stabbing you, over and over again, and you were loving it, and then you came and died at the same time. And you said that death was the best orgasm there is. Which was odd, because you were already dead."

Trowa ducked his head, and grinned a little. "Yeah. I had a bad nightmare about you, last week."

"Yeah?" Duo sounded as though he was trying not to sound interested.

Trowa nodded, shrugging. "Left me feeling... sick, desperate."

Nodding, Duo started to tear the bagel into pieces. "Yeah."

"It was just a dream, though."

Duo nodded absently. "Yeah. Ok. Can I see your arms?"

Trowa blinked. He swallowed hard, and then he leaned forward. He pulled up the sleeves of his turtleneck, pulling them up as far as the elastic bands at his wrists would allow.

Duo had his head facing down as he tore the bagel, but his gaze drifted up to look over Trowa's arms. Trowa was almost certain he heard Duo sigh despondently when he saw that there were no marks. Duo nodded, and put one piece of the bagel in his mouth. "Yeah."

Trowa pulled his sleeves down quickly, just a bit frantically. He folded his hands in his lap, and looked away.

Duo kept eating bagel pieces slowly, and Trowa could hear him chewing silently from across the couch. He imagined Duo's teeth crushing and mashing the bagel pieces, and way Duo's throat would move when he swallowed. He understood objectively that he desired Duo, and that he was longing for him, but that objective assessment seemed meaningless in the discreet reality of the situation. There was a breach between them now.

There was another patient across the room, drawing on a sketchpad. He had long pencils, black on the outside, and from the distance, Trowa couldn't tell if they were mechanical or wooden. The artist kept glancing at them as he drew, and Trowa wondered what he saw.

The windows lining the room were covered in vertical blinds, redirecting the noonday sun and filtering the light. There were only increasingly narrower vertical stripes of outside, and the disjointed image was obscured enough that Trowa's mind was able to supply the meadow in his dream. He was overwhelmed with the need to touch Duo's skin.

He took Duo's hand gently, running his fingers over Duo's skin softly, giving Duo plenty of time to pull away. When Duo merely settled for watching what Trowa was doing, he put his other hand around Duo's hand, and cradled it in his two hands. He raised Duo's hand slowly, not griping it tightly enough to prevent Duo from escaping. He touched his lips to the knuckle of Duo's index finger, and remained in the kiss for several long moments.

Duo put his other hand on the back of Trowa's head tentatively, and Trowa felt uncommonly happy.

"I miss you."

Duo nodded, running his fingernail through Trowa's hair. "Me, too."

Trowa nodded, and lifted his head again. He looked into Duo's eyes, and for a second, he tried to delude himself in believing that he could see everything that Duo felt.

They knew before the orderly came this time that their visit was ending, and they got up and walked out of the room on their own. At the door, Duo paused, hesitating. He twisted his torso, stretching his back, as he bit his lip. Trowa was about to say something, when Duo leaned forward, put his hand on Trowa's cheek, and kissed Trowa, sucking on Trowa's bottom lip as he backed off again.

Trowa touched his hand to his lips, and Duo turned and walked off as fast as he could without running.

Trowa watched him go, the feel of Duo's lips on his as he did.

* * *

  


It became routine. He went to work in the morning, arriving in the lab at 5:45 every day. He set up the engine to the specifications of the day's experiment, and ran it. The good doctor was apparently not a morning person, because she was almost never around while he was there, so he usually just left the print outs on her desk. He would leave the campus at 10:05, and arrive at the treatment center between 10:45 and 10:55. He would wait in his car, so that he wouldn't cause the receptionist alarm, and he would walk into the lobby at 10:58.

He would stay with Duo until 12:30, at which point Duo had a session with Dr. Mahoney. Duo went to three sessions a day, one for meditation, one focused on coping with withdrawal, and a third session in the afternoon which lasted three hours in which they discussed the root issues of his problems. Each day, Duo seemed more and more worn and tired, and he was increasingly irritable and sarcastic. He didn't like Trowa to touch him much, each day withdrawing more and more physically from Trowa. He didn't talk much, either, until it got to the point where they were basically just sitting together, on opposite sides of the couch, saying nothing. Duo would lash out chaotically as well, and regularly demand to see his arms, or grill him with questions about how Trowa was eating and sleeping.

It remained the best part of his day.

In the afternoons, he had no idea what to do with himself. He invariably ended up at the apartment, where he would sit on the couch. He preferred sitting on the couch at the treatment center, because there, he wasn't alone. Occasionally, he would doze as he sat there, his head tipping forward, his hands in his lap.

When night came, Trowa would become antsy. He would not be able to sit still or think straight. His thoughts seemed to swirl in his head and become mixed, so that everything that was once distinct was now attached to a million other thoughts.

At these times, he went out, and wandered in the night. 

Since he had to be at work so early, the night was only half as long as it used to be, but the daylight hours stretched and stretched. He went to a bookstore after seeing Duo one day, and bought three magazines and a book. He put each item on the coffee table so that no one item had to touch any other item. It was so neatly arranged, he didn't want to disturb it by reading any of them.

He would have to think of another way to occupy his time.

Soon enough, there was a problem with money. He didn't like to worry about it, but his income was now less than a third of what it was, and his expenses had actually increased. He laid out all of his records on the kitchen table with diligent care. He added everything up, and produced a forecast of the next six months based on the numbers he had. He did all the work by hand, so that it would take that much longer. 

After redoing the calculations for the fifth time, he decided he needed to look for a new apartment.

He considered talking to Duo about it, but it didn't seem to matter that much. Duo wasn't there, so when they left the treatment center, Duo would just come with him to their new apartment. Besides, the day he thought the most about saying something, Duo was particularly melancholy, and when they separated, Duo had hugged him, squeezing Trowa's neck tightly, and pressing his whole body against Trowa's.

Trowa was content for the rest of that day, and he had no desire to spoil it with details.

To his mind, the greatest concern in his life was Duo's unpredictable moodiness, and the fact that it was becoming possible that Duo might not want to be with him when he got out. Trowa did not think about this, because when he did, he had to leave the apartment to go sit in the park for hours.

He searched for an apartment in the newspaper. Most places advertised online, of course, but Trowa looked forward to the possibility of circling a potential new apartment's listing with a red felt tip pen. He had never looked for an apartment before; Catherine found his current abode for him while he made arrangements to leave the circus. He had never thought about how she had found it before, but as it turned out, apartments were hard to find.

He went to go see his best bet after seeing Duo on a rainy Wednesday. He liked the rain, and the way it made the streets seem cleaner, and he hoped that it was a good omen for the trip. The neighborhood was not nearly as nice as where he was moving them from, but he wasn't nervous about it. He didn't see anyone around whom he couldn't take down without difficulty, even if they caught him while he was asleep. There was, however, a liquor store on the ground floor of the building, and Trowa decided that it wouldn't work out like that.

For the rest of the day, he kept gravitating around the thought that they would never find a new place to live, and that he was going to have to ask for help from someone, and that Duo would get tired of his lazy, moocher ways, and move on himself, and that he was going to end up entirely alone again. He bit his finger, digging his teeth into the knuckle, and closed his eyes. 

He went walking earlier than usual, out before the sun had set. There were more people around, and more stores and shops open. He wandered through some, looking at all the things he would never want to own, and all the things he couldn't afford. 

He went to the park.

There was a homeless person sitting on the bench, but he sat down anyway. He stared straight ahead and ignored the way that the homeless was ogling him. He watched the sky, waiting for it to go black so that he could stop thinking.

"Yous one of 'em."

Trowa blinked, but said nothing. He decided that he wasn't sure that the man was talking to him.

"Yous a killer of men when yous juss a li'll boy-child."

Trowa turned to look at the man.

The man's face was weathered and wrinkled, the coarse, short hairs of his beard drawing attention to the rumpled, grainy texture of his skin. He was missing part of his nose, which undoubtedly made it hard for other people to look at him. He wore three thin sweaters over a long sleeved t-shirt under his filthy, leathery slicker, and he had on a pair of sweatpants that were threadbare enough to reveal the pants beneath them. He had boots on with no toes, and his socks had holes at the seams. His toes shrank back from the exposure, and appeared to be black. He wore knit gloves with the fingers cut out, and his stubby fingers were clasped around the handles of his plastic grocery bags.

His eyes were sparkling and alive, filled with color and light, and Trowa knew that he had been in the war, just by the way that the man showed him respect.

"Yous one of 'em. Yous the tall'n. Yous a killer of men, my boy."

"And you?" Trowa asked archly, remaining at ease and relaxed.

The man laughed, a wheezing sound that faintly resembled death. "I's done killed in my time, boy, but I's not a killer of men. I's done killed, though. I's done killed for sure."

Trowa nodded.

"Yous still see t'others?"

Trowa shrugged. "From time to time. Some more than others."

The man laughed again, and slapped his knee. "Yous a coooooool one, yous is boy. Yous a killer of men for sure, yous is. Some more than others. Yous is a cool'n. A tall'n and a cool'n. I's done met t'other one. He's was juss a boy, but he had the eyes of a man, that one. He's was juss a boy, tho. Yous all was juss boys.

"Boys out doing the killings of the men. What a thing humanity is."

Trowa nodded sadly. "Yes."

"T'other one, he was juss a boy, see? But he done made the war like noooooooobody's business. Ain't no one survived that fight but him, you see? He's was juss a boy, tho, diddn know what he had done, see?

"Only t'one of yous boys whose knows what he done did. That one put the fear of the lord in the heart of man who swears and drinks and kills, that one. I's lived through that one's killing, I did. Yes I did. But I don't lives so good no more..."

Trowa wondered which one of them he was talking about. He thought about the five of them, and which one had been the most mature, the most aware of what he had been doing at the time.

He knew the answer, of course, but he found that he did not want the outsider's opinion.

"That was all a long time ago."

"Oh, no's, no's, no... Killings never go away, boy. Killings never go away. Theys stay with ya, boy." The man's voice was earnest and deep, and he put his hand on Trowa's chest, his eyes piercing and dark. "Yous kill a man, yous take his burden witt ya. Yous lift his burden, and take his witt ya. Killings never gos away, killings stay witt ya, killings a weight on yours shoulders, boy. Killings bring a man to his knees, it does, and takes aways every god a man can pray to. Killings never go away."

Trowa was troubled by the man's words, and so he didn't push the hand on his chest away. He didn't feel that way; each person he had killed would have died anyway. He didn't fight battles with immortals. Death was inevitable, as was war. He just accepted it.

But there was something in the man's eyes that reminded him of Duo.

The man nodded slowly. "Yeeeeesssss. Yous see. Yous see not for yourself, but yous see it in t'others. Yous a cooooool one, boy, but t'others, they still just boys making the war for men."

"We have peace now."

"Do you have peace, boy? Is that whys yous in a park at sunset, talkings with the crazy man what done live here? I's see you before, boy. No piece of paper dem politicking people signed done gave you peace, did it, boy?"

Trowa swallowed, and stood up. The man watched him get up, almost marveling at Trowa's mobility. "We can have peace, now."

Trowa walked away, the words the man had said sticking to him like an odor, like ideology by association. It was now dark, but Trowa would not stop thinking. He walked home with long, rapid strides, his hands in his pockets and his eyes on where his feet would land with each step. When he stopped to think about the activity of walking long enough, it became difficult for him to understand how it worked, and he needed to concentrate more and more on each step.

It was something he learned to do before he had language that he could use, and yet he nearly forgot how to do it just by thinking about it.

That thought spawned nebulous trails of thoughts, but they were confused with the trails of thoughts that he had picked up from the man, and so he wasn't able to trace them effectively.

When he got back to the apartment, he took off his clothes right away, dropping them as he walked, and he got into the shower. He turned the water on to scalding, and stood under the spray until he couldn't bear it, not even for a second. He turned the water to cold, and washed his body with Duo's soap, and his hair with Duo's shampoo.

Wet and naked, he crawled into bed, lying on his stomach, his face in Duo's pillow, and he shut his eyes tightly.

He started counting the Fibonacci sequence, and let his breathing and heart rate slow down as he got to the eight digit numbers. Each successive digit took longer and longer, and if he didn't give it his whole body's attention, he would lose his place, and have to start over.

His skin got cold, but he managed to count all the way to 1,346,269.

* * *

  


The multipurpose room was swimming in front of his eyes. Trowa felt that this sort of behavior for a room was highly suspicious, but he kept his fears to himself just in case it was only him. He had had to abort the test this morning after twenty minutes when he realized that he had set the specs wrong. Lack of sleep usually didn't bother him that much, but he wasn't used to doing things that actually required precision.

Talking to Duo didn't require precision, but that was only when Duo was talking. Sitting on the couch with Duo while Duo kept looking at him like that required something that Trowa wasn't sure that he had. Especially on no sleep.

Duo was playing with his braid, and Trowa felt irrationally that Duo had just teased him with his hair at the beach. He wanted to reach out and take a hold of the braid, but Trowa's arms and legs felt useless. It was probably for the best. 

Duo got up ten minutes before his session, and said something that Trowa's foggy brain interpreted as asking him not to come back tomorrow. Trowa didn't say anything, but he got up to leave as well.

He walked to the lobby with his arms across his chest and his head down. Things had been getting better, hadn't they? They had reached a breaking point at the beach, right?

He squeezed his arms as tightly as he could, and tried not to breathe for as long as he could.

"Mr. Barton? Could I have a moment?"

Trowa stared at Dr. Mahoney for a minute, blankly unable to comprehend what she was saying. He followed her when she motioned for him, feeling compelled by virtue of her vigorous hand waving.

The back of Dr. Mahoney's head was very flat, her hair seeming to fall down from the top of her head in a solid sheet. It came to the middle of the back of her neck, the bottom edge a perfectly straight line across. Trowa disliked the compulsion to neatness that the line of her hair cut implied, although he was somewhat certain that he would have been able to find fault no matter what she did with her hair.

Her office was large, with soft grey walls and a stylishly oversized glass and metal desk in the middle of the room. There were no couches, but the chairs across from her at the desk were cushy and comfortable. Trowa sat down on the edge of the chair, his back ramrod straight.

Dr. Mahoney smiled pleasantly at him, but there was a predatory sharpness in her eyes that alerted Trowa to the fact that this was a test.

"How are you doing today, Mr. Barton?"

"Aren't you supposed to be in a session with Duo?" His tone was clearly dismissive, like the tone that one would use on an underling who had fallen short of expectation.

Dr. Mahoney didn't blink. "Oh, he has a therapeutic assignment for the first hour. We have plenty of time to talk."

Trowa said nothing.

"I have the utmost respect for the confidentiality of my patients, and I have no intention of going behind anyone's back in an underhanded fashion. But I hope that you realize that this process is not easy for Duo, and that he is going to need all the help that he can get from you. In fact, I believe that I already mentioned that patients who had familial support tended to achieve better than those without."

Trowa inclined his head, and did not acknowledge her.

She leaned forward in her chair, her elbows on the desk and her hands clasped together. "Again, I have no intention of intruding upon Mr. Maxwell's privacy, or yours, but as much as my concern is for my patient's rights, my _primary_ concern is for my patient's _health_ , and therefore I need to ask you some questions." She sighed, and leaned back. "You realize, I have no doubt, that Duo is only here for your behalf."

Trowa waited out the pregnant pause, but it became tragically clear that Dr. Mahoney had no intention in the world of continuing until he commented. "It's good that he has a reason to get himself together." He hadn't expected to sound defensive, but she was looking at him in an accusatory manner.

"Yes, but it puts him in a dependent position. His health is based on his will power, and his resolve, and those depend on you. Right now, he doesn't want to be going through all of this, and who can blame him? If he could just drive you away, then he can go back to avoiding his trauma and sink into the gratifications of self-destruction. I wish that he didn't have you, and was still here, not because I doubt your devotion to him, or your steadfastness, but only because it has been my experience that patients who succeed in battling their addictions are generally the ones that find the motivation within themselves to stop.

"Mr. Maxwell has a great deal of strength, but he's not using all of his potential because he has you to lean on instead."

Trowa shifted uncomfortably in his chair, looking away, and griping his arms tightly. He had the terrifying feeling of her eyes on him, analyzing him and seeing through him. She wasn't like that jackass Clarkson; she knew stuff.

"And what worries me more, and the reason that we're here having this conversation, are some things that Mr. Maxwell has told me about in our sessions. Fears of his, and things that he worries about. Now, once again, I'd like to reiterate that I completely respect both yours and Mr. Maxwell's right to privacy. But in the best interest of my patient, and in your best interest as well, without getting involved in any conversation of details that would be tainted by a conflict of interest on my part, I'd like to offer you a referral." She slid a small, off-white business card across the desk. Because of the massiveness of it, the card was still too far away for him to read without leaning forward; a move Trowa could not help but feel was calculated to draw him over to her side.

The card was quite plain, with a name in the middle, and phone number underneath it. There were no embellishments to the card, and no address. Just a name - Dr. Michael Levy - and a number.

Trowa did not touch the card, but glared at Dr. Mahoney.

"If you are currently under the care of a mental health professional, I will respectfully withdraw the card." She spoke coolly, with no indication that she was moved by the force of his glare. "But if you are not... I beg of you to consider this. Duo is depending on you. Not just now, not just while he's here, and he's irritable. That will pass. That's part of the process. But later, he will be depending on you. He will need you to be strong, and he will need you to be solid. He has told me that any misstep on his part will have repercussions on you. By the same token, any misstep on _your_ part will have repercussions on Duo. He is teetering on the edge, Mr. Barton. You know better than I what is driving him right now. How many times do you think he can fall before he won't be able to get back up again?

"I care for Duo. He's my patient, and I have had few patients over the years with so much passion and intelligence. I want to see him get healthy, and live the kind of life he wants to. And right now, that means that _you_ have to deal with everything that's going on inside of _your_ head, too. It's a two-way street.

"I know that you've had a terrible experience with therapy, but I can assure you that Dr. Levy is not like that. He has training as both a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and he has done extensive research into the root physiological causes of depression. Please take the time to research his work. I can't order you to go to see him, or anyone, but I am _begging_ you to. Duo is depending on you, Trowa, and therefore so am I."

She was so earnest, so open, and so professional, that Trowa felt it would be rude not to at least take the card. He picked it up and held it in between his fingers by the edges of the card. He looked up at Dr. Mahoney warily. "I am well aware of the trust that Duo has placed in me. I have no more intention of letting him down than he does me."

"I know," Dr. Mahoney nodded, "but when our bodies fight against us, sometimes it doesn't matter what our intentions are. Duo needs to fight his addictions, and the physiological ramifications of that. You have your own fight. You have no idea how bad things might get. Years down the road, there are going to be bad days, Trowa. Days in which it will be more than Duo will be able to take... and if the only reason he is even trying is because of you, that means that _you_ will have to be there for him. You will have to be able to deal with him being melancholy and depressed, you will have to be able to deal with him trying to push you out of his life. I wish I could offer you a magic band-aid that will cover everything up and make it so that you two can live happily ever after, but it doesn't exist. You need to face these problems.

"I know that I am overstepping my bounds, and that I am being demanding. I also know that you want Duo to be healthy even more than I do. This is what you need to do to make sure that that happens. That is not a suggestion or a theory. That is a fact."

Trowa sullenly did not respond, but he took the card into the palm of his hand, and looked down at his hand in a gesture that was sure to act as a white flag of defeat.

Dr. Mahoney stood up and sighed. "I'm sorry to come down so hard on you. It isn't my desire to be a hard-ass. It's just part of the job sometimes." She smiled weakly at him, shrugging with one shoulder in a form of apology.

Trowa stood up, and reached out to shake her hand. "Thank you."

He spoke firmly and distinctly, and she appeared to understand. She shook his hand firmly, and grinned. "Now I have a patient to harass. Have a pleasant day."

He nodded, inclining his head to her. He watched her walk away, back to the row of rooms for therapy sessions. He put his hands in his pockets, releasing the card inside the pocket. He had asked Duo several times over the course of his time here what his sessions were like, but he never got a clear answer, and so now when he tried to picture it, he could only nebulously imagine what Duo was going through.

He tried to imagine himself going through that process, but he couldn't quite fathom it. There were too many unknowns and variables to consider.

He got into his car, and drove away, speeding down the roads as if he were on the expressway. He drove around for a long time, thinking absently at one point about getting something to eat, and then deciding he would have a peanut butter sandwich when he got home. 

It wasn't a total shock when he ended up parked in the university's lot, but he hadn't consciously chosen it, either, to his recollection. He walked to the library, keeping his head down so that he wouldn't glare at any of the students passing by. The library was massive, and complex. It defied logical interpretation, seemingly architecturally designed to repel casual purveyors of knowledge. Trowa poked at the keys on a reference workstation computer for a long time before he was able to trick it into giving him the information that he desired.

Ultimately, he had to walk to the psychology library, which entailed asking _twice_ for directions, as the maps were cleverly designed to only appear as if they had information about the location of university buildings. 

He was quite perturbed, and feeling the burning fire of quest stirring in his belly. Before he left, he would have the information he came for, or else there would be a serious cost to those who stood in his way.

The girl at the psychology library counter was nice, and let him in despite the fact that his badge wasn't really enough to grant him access. She warned him fearfully that he wouldn't be able to check any materials out, though, but Trowa was not deterred by that paltry obstacle.

The library was more the sort of library one found in the homes of the rich, and not what Trowa traditionally thought of as a library. It was a small room filled to overflowing with shelves for books and journals, and each shelf was marked a bit too discreetly with a small white tag with reference numbers on it. From his search in the main library, Trowa had the call numbers for the journal he needed, but it still took some searching to find it on the shelf.

Dr. Levy had three articles published in The Journal of Modern Psychology, all in the last six years. Trowa wasn't sure what kind of journal this was, whether it was as prestigious as the journal on the shelf next to it, Earthsphere Journal of Practicing Psychology, or if it had some sort of focus. Trowa only had the vaguest of ideas of how scientific journals worked at all, and he examined the numbers on his piece of paper against the numbers on the bindings of the journals for a long time before he committed to taking one down off the shelf.

The articles were there, just as the computer in the main library had promised, the level of organization involved in directing him from there to here mundanely staggering. Operating the copy machine should not have been difficult, but Trowa was already aware from his work in the lab that academic copiers were quite fussy about how they would work. He had to purchase a card that was worth ten times as much as the amount of copying that he had to do, because that was the smallest bill he had.

As he left the library with his small stack of sheets, he handed the copy card to the girl at the desk, flashing a nervous smile as he did. 

She stared at his back as he left in a mixture of horror and shock.

* * *

  


He didn't go to the park that night. The man's words still lingered. He sat in his apartment, and read the articles by Dr. Levy. He had become curious about certain neurophysiological facts that were mentioned in the articles, so he spent most of the time researching online.

He fell asleep on the couch, and was a half an hour late for work. His boss didn't mind, but that made him fifteen minutes late for Duo.

He stayed in his car after turning off the engine, just taking a moment to put away his sunglasses, even though he hadn't worn them, and to listen to the end of a song that he hated. He was just about to open the car door when he looked out the window.

A man was walking by, his hands in his pockets and his eyes on the windows of the treatment center. Trowa's eyes widened, and he felt his throat constrict.

He panicked, and instead of following Heero, he dashed inside the treatment center, running past the receptionist without a glance. She tried to call out to him, but he was already in the multipurpose room before she could stand up. 

Duo was sitting on the couch like always, looking up at Trowa with judgmental surprise.

Trowa felt his heart pounding in his chest, and the adrenaline from the panic washed through him. For a moment, his vision was narrowed to Duo, and the way he defensively sat on the couch. He didn't move any closer, and he didn't say anything. He looked at Duo as if he could do a complete medical examine from five feet away with just his eyes.

"Mr. Barton!" 

He turned, dazed, to face the receptionist.

She tried to smile, and held out a badge. "You forgot your visitor's badge."

Trowa stared at the badge blankly, only realizing that he needed to take it when she didn't withdraw her offer. She smiled and walked back to her desk, and Trowa continued to stare at it.

"Are you all right?" Duo asked, his voice laced with real concern.

Trowa broke out of his reverie, and sat down next to Duo. He clipped the visitor's badge to his collar. "Sorry. I'm having an odd day. I'm sorry that I'm late."

"You don't have to come every day, you know," Duo replied too quickly, ducking his chin behind his knees. "I know you have other things to do."

"Not really," Trowa shrugged. 

Duo bit his lip, and lowered his face even further below his knees.

"Has Heero visited you often?" Trowa knew that he sounded harsh and abrupt, but his heart was still hammering in his chest.

Duo's eyes widened, and he lifted his head unconsciously. "What? What do you mean? Heero hasn't been here. The only person I've seen is you."

Trowa nodded, digesting. Of course Heero would never walk in the front door; that was too common for Mr. Heero Freakin' Better Than Everyone Yuy. 

"Let's go outside." Duo stood up, brushing his palms over his thighs, looking away from Trowa. "I'm sick of being cooped up."

Trowa nodded, and followed. It was a chilly day, with no sun, as dark clouds promised rain in the near future. They walked out to the bench they had sat on the first day Trowa had visited, and sat down. Duo scooted over a few inches when Trowa sat down close enough to him for their hands to brush against each other as they rested on the bench. After a moment of fidgeting and holding his elbows, Duo shot up, and started to walk around the area near the bench.

"Don't you get tired of coming here? You've got a new job, and things are going well... Isn't this just depressing for you? Don't you have better things to do with your time?" 

Trowa ignored the biting edge to Duo's voice. He'd be irritable if he had been locked up for this long, too. "No."

Duo rolled his eyes. "That's just pathetic."

Trowa shrugged.

Duo got a bit discombobulated. "Why - Why would you think that Heero has been here? Do you think I want to see him? Do you think I've been going behind your back? Because I'm not going to justify myself to you. I think I've done more than enough to prove myself to you, I don't think I need to put up with any kind of complaints as well. It's not right."

"No." Trowa furrowed his brow, trying to figure out which question or statement he was responding to, or whether Duo knew or cared.

"I'm doing everything I can. Hell, I'm doing more than I can, and all you have to do all day is sit on your ass and be judgmental, and I don't think I need to put up with that shit, so maybe - maybe you should just go, maybe I don't want to see you again."

"No." Trowa scowled, and crossed his arms over his chest.

Duo turned to him, his distress plainly written across his face. "Why? Why? Why would you put up with me, and all my crap? Why would you sit there and listen to me being such a jerk, and then come again the next day? Why don't you have enough - enough self-respect to just dump me and all my crazy shit and just be done with it?"

Trowa blinked. "I think I love you."

Duo stared at him. He snorted hollowly. "So what I am so afraid of?"

Trowa smiled at his joke. Duo plopped down on the bench, very close to Trowa, and sighed. He reached out deliberately, and took Trowa's hand. There was a spark when their skin touched, Trowa's muscles twinging, and he closed his hand around Duo's.

Duo allowed it. "Damn, Tro. What you do to me."

Trowa traced his fingers delicately over the hand in his, cradling Duo's hand in his two hands. "I keep telling you, Duo. Ditto."

Duo sighed, and his shoulders slumped. He leaned forward until his forehead was almost touching Trowa's shoulder. "I just... I can't... It's just..."

Bringing Duo's hands to his lips, Trowa kissed Duo's knuckles slowly. He let the warmth from his mouth touch Duo's skin.

Duo watched him. "I was ten years old when I held my soulmate in my arms while he died." Duo's voice was quiet and heavy. "The only people who were ever parents to me died to protect me. I fell in love with a boy in the war, and he grew up to hate me. I don't think I can say that I love you, and mean it. Not yet. But..." He put his head down on Trowa's shoulder, and squeezed Trowa's hand. "I can say for damn sure, there isn't anybody else I would go through this shit for. There isn't anyone else I want to be with. It's just so fuckin' hard, Tro..."

Duo squeezed his eyes shut, taking long, deep breaths, choking on what he was feeling. Trowa put his arms around Duo, and put his chin on the top of Duo's head. He stroked his hands up and down Duo's arms, and pulled Duo in tighter, rubbing their cheeks together, and putting his face in the crook of Duo's neck. He sighed, suddenly overwhelmed by the scent that he had gotten used to getting up to, and he kissed Duo's neck, his chin, his temple, and his cheek, with as much passion as he could corral. He ran his fingers over Duo's face, and sighed. "I know, Duo. I wish I could make it easier..."

Duo shook his head. "Can't. Not how it works."

"I know," Trowa sighed. "But the way it works sucks."

"Yeah," Duo laughed humorlessly. "When isn't that true?"

Trowa half-smiled, and tenderly ran his thumb down Duo's cheek.

Duo sighed. "I wish that you could have fallen in love with someone better than me. Like Fei or something...Why did you have to fall for a loser like me?"

Trowa shook his head. "From where I'm sitting, I got pretty lucky."

"You need a new seat, Tro." Duo shook his head, shivering as he pulled away.

Trowa stood up. "You're cold. Let's go back inside."

Duo stood up, looking away, distracted. "If only life were that easy. You're cold, so you go inside, or put on a sweater. You're hungry, so you eat. You're tired, so you sleep.

"You're broken inside. Then what? I just feel shattered."

Trowa nodded. "I don't know. I guess you pick up all the pieces, and you cut up your fingers on the jagged edges, and you start over again with your collection of bloody, jagged pieces."

Duo responded slowly, his face relaxing and then brightening to a hesitant smile. When he started to laugh, it was the best thing that Trowa had heard in his life. "You really are an untapped fountain of wisdom, aren't you, Tro? If only the academic world could learn of your teachings..."

Trowa shook his head sadly. "The world is not ready for me, I'm afraid. They run in terror from my white-hot genius."

Duo laughed harder, and they had to stop in the path so that he could get it all out. There were tears running down his face, and he was getting hysterical, but it was still symphonically gorgeous to Trowa.

Trowa ran his hands down Duo's back in what could have been a comforting gesture, splaying his fingers out to increase the area of his touch. Duo was shaking, his braid trailing on the ground as his back heaved. Duo put his arms around his waist, and let Trowa help him stand up straight. 

"Oh god! That shouldn't be that funny!"

Trowa slid his arm more firmly behind Duo's back. "It isn't."

Duo turned to face Trowa, still smiling and laughing. "But you are funny, Tro."

Trowa lifted his chin. "Of course. I'm a clown."

Duo's expression warmed. "Yeah. The clown with a tear rolling down his cheek." He leaned up and kissed Trowa on the cheek. "Thanks."

Trowa shrugged, embarrassed. "Forget about it."

Duo shook his head slowly. "Nope. I'm taking this with me to bed tonight. Hey, do you still never masturbate?"

They were standing right in front of the door to go inside, and the wind was starting to really blow, but they came to a standstill while Trowa considered Duo's question. "I almost did, once. When I was thinking of your hair."

Duo nodded, then put his arms around Trowa's neck, pulling himself into a hug. Duo's body was cold and thin, too thin, and Trowa did not want to release him. Duo's lips trailed over his cheek as he pulled away, and he grinned at Trowa. "I think about you all night. And most of the day."

Trowa tilted his head to the side. "That's almost all the time."

"Maybe this will get easier once we can spend more time together," Duo suggested weakly.

Trowa put his hands on Duo's face. "I know it will be easier for me."

Duo sighed, and nodded. "Damn. I just keep dragging you further and further down, don't I?"

Trowa opened the door, holding it open for Duo. He ruffled the top of Duo's head as he followed him inside. "You just don't know up from down anymore. Don't worry about me. I'm ok."

"Are you?" Duo looked over his shoulder, hiding his face except for his eyes. "You don't look like you're getting much sleep."

Trowa shrugged, his body tensing. "I'm ok."

Duo watched him from behind his shoulder for a minute, and sighed. "You'd better be, Tro. I'm not going through all of this for a bloody corpse, ya know."

Trowa nodded, swallowing hard.

Duo grinned at him. He kissed Trowa quickly, touching him with only his lips. "So, I guess you're coming back tomorrow then, eh?"

"Count on it."

Duo shrugged. "I am."

Trowa watched him go down to his session, his arms crossed over his stomach and his braid swinging back and forth. His head was swimming, and his legs felt rubbery. 

He drove back to the apartment slowly, getting honked at from the car behind him more than once for lollygagging. Once he got back, the only thing he would be able to do was think, and he wasn't sure that his head was up to it.

* * *

  


He sat on the couch, staring at the newspaper on the coffee table. There was glaring sunlight pouring in through the window, and he wished that he had closed the curtains before he had sat down, or, failing that, as he had, he wished that there was a remote for the curtains.

He needed to find an apartment. He had just paid the rent, and it nearly wiped out his bank account. He hadn't realized that his savings were so nonexistent. He looked up and down the confusingly small columns of ads for apartments, and tried to make sense of the acronyms and jargon. 

It occurred to him that if he called Cathy and told her that his income had been drastically reduced, she would help him, but so far he had only emailed her since their trip to the beach because he felt irrationally that she would know what he had done at the beach without being told.

She knew him better than he usually admitted.

There was a place he thought might be good. It sounded innocuous in the ad, and he knew the neighborhood. It certainly wasn't great, but he had been to worse, so he wasn't too worried. Also, he was fairly sure he could visualize the corner in his mind, and he didn't think it was the kind of neighborhood that had shops, so there wouldn't be any liquor stores.

He didn't know why he was hesitating to call. He should pick up the handheld and make the call. It was the only thing to do. He could see the place that afternoon, and hopefully move, and maybe get comped on the rent. Maybe he could sublease the place, and get some income that way, too.

The card Dr. Mahoney had given him was on the coffee table as well, sitting askew next to the open paper. Duo had been very anxious earlier, asking him about money and his sleeping patterns and how much he was eating. Duo's hands had been grasping his braid like a lifeline, and his eyes had been sunken and shadowed.

He should call. He needed to. Procrastinating was only going to make things worse.

He picked up the handheld, staring down at it. He had only dug this out of the box last week, when Sally had called asking about Duo. He didn't want to return her call and not stand in front of the camera, but he also hadn't wanted to actually see her. It was still a bit of a mystery to him, as they tried to cram all the functions of the full 'phone into this small handheld device that looked a little bit too much like a universal remote for Trowa's tastes.

He opened the menu for dialing, and put in the digits. He stared at the phone for a second before seeing the 'send' prompt. When he heard it dialing, he brought it up to his ear. 

The ringing was unnaturally loud, but he didn't pull it away. It cut into his ears, piercing him so that he still heard the echo of the ringing after his call had been answered.

"Dr. Levy's office, how may I help you?"

Trowa blinked. He looked down at the newspaper in confusion.

"Sir?"

Trowa swallowed. "I was referred to Dr. Levy by Dr. Mahoney."

"Your name?"

"Barton, Trowa."

There was the sound of typing, and Trowa waited patiently. "Ah yes, Mr. Barton. We have a notation here. Dr. Levy has accepted the referral, so I can set up an appointment. We have openings in the morning and late afternoon tomorrow."

Trowa hadn't expected it to be so easy, or so soon. He wondered what Dr. Mahoney had said to this person. "Afternoon."

"Very good. We have you scheduled for 4:45 pm tomorrow, then."

"Ah, wait," Trowa looked around at the coffee table, wondering if he should have something to write with, "where are your offices?"

"We're located on the fifth floor of St. Luke's Hospital. You go up the green elevator, take a left, go past the vending area, and turn right following the yellow arrows. There is a general reception area marked as Returning Patients, and you sign in under Dr. Levy. We have a notation that your insurance has lapsed, and that your bill will be attached to an outpatient recovery bill, is that correct? Because otherwise I'll need your proof of insurance."

Trowa blinked. "No, I have no insurance. How much does this cost?"

"Well, let me put it this way, hon, we only get patients with insurance. But don't fret, if you don't want your bill forwarded, we can deal with that, too. You just need to come to the hospital about an hour to an hour and a half earlier and speak to our financial aide department. There are new laws covering mental health, so if you have no insurance, you might be able to get temporary coverage from the Medical Relief Act of AC 201."

Trowa nodded, and then realized that she couldn't see him. "Thank you."

"Don't think of it," she replied, and Trowa could hear her smile. "Have a nice day."

He disconnected the line, and stared at the phone for long minutes, trying to figure out how it had betrayed him.


	14. Chapter 14

It was just a piece of paper. It wasn't even that big. If he wanted to, he could just toss it in the garbage, or in the recycling tin, and be done with it.

It wasn't the first time he had been given one of these. He had never even thought about it before. It was an unthinkable thing, to be dependent, to alter oneself. To declare oneself lacking, and weak.

He was better than that, or if not, then why bother trying to change it?

He wanted to just toss it, just ignore it, just pretend that it didn't exist...

But Dr. Mahoney's words were still ringing in his ears, her condemnation still burning in his chest.

Dr. Levy had explained it all very placidly, like it was just science. Trowa understood that to a certain degree, it was just a matter of chemicals and reactions, but they were his chemicals, and he wasn't sure he wanted to mess with them.

He turned the paper over and over in his hand. It was so innocuous. It didn't look like something that would mark a man defective.

He put it in his pocket, and pretended that he could just ignore it. He wanted to get back to Duo as quickly as he could, so that they could have some private time before the night bell. Duo had been really tired that week. Trowa had gotten him some massage oil that heated with skin contact, and he intended to strip Duo naked and make him feel better, starting with his muscles.

Duo was just working so damned hard. It was the least that he could do.

He was pulling into the driveway for the pharmacy before he knew what he was doing. He cursed himself, but he still parked, and got out of the car. He spent the ten minutes while waiting for the prescription to be filled examining the various different choices in feminine protection that were currently available. He wondered briefly what Catherine used.

He was in that car again less than twenty minutes later, and he took his first dose with a swig of bottled water he had bought very much against his better judgment. Dr. Levy had specifically mentioned that this particular variety had a low incidence of sexual side effect, emphasizing the point without being indiscreet. Trowa envied that sort of diplomacy.

It was for the best. After all, it was just chemicals. And Duo was working hard at changing himself, so Trowa ought to as well.

He had successfully put it out of his head by the time he pulled into the Phoenix's parking lot.

* * *

  


Trowa combed a small chunk of hair with his fingers, pulling the long strands out as far as he could reach, and then letting them drop down over Duo's shoulder. He had a sense of peace and place right now, but rather than try to cling to what was sure to slip through his fingers, he just tried to enjoy it to the fullest.

It did occur to him that that was almost a direct quotation from Dr. Levy, but he didn't mind so much.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

It was an idle question, lazily filling the time until they could move again.

Duo grinned. "I hate to disappoint you, Tro, but this is as grown up as I'm gonna get."

Trowa raised an eyebrow speculatively. "I don't know. You were bigger a minute ago."

Duo didn't laugh outright, but he smiled and put his face against Trowa's shoulder. The feeling of Duo's skin was a rush, especially now that the floodgates had burst, and he could just feel the tingle of the blood pumping through him.

"I meant, when you were a kid. Or during the war. What did you want to do?"

"Survive," Duo laughed. "That was it. There were the dead, and the not - dead. The soon - to - be - dead. I wanted to be the not - dead."

Trowa nodded. "I didn't care that much."

Duo considered. "Therapy assignment?"

Sighing, Trowa nodded. "I'm supposed to have an answer to 'what do you want to do with your life?' Or, its variant, 'where do you see yourself in ten years?'"

Duo whistled. "Dr. Mahoney spent three hours ripping that one out of my head."

"Well?" Trowa propped himself up on his elbow, waiting patiently.

"What? I'm just supposed to give it all away?" Duo pouted, shrugging his shoulders. With his hair falling all around him, his bare skin hiding under the waves of hair and under the sheets, he looked like a debauched angel. A demon with a prayer on his lips.

Trowa wasn't even playing along when he started to nibble on Duo's ear. He wanted his whole body in contact with Duo.

The bed in Duo's room was small, a reasonably decent mattress on a metal frame. The entire room was small, with only a narrow window for natural light. The biggest advantage was that the treatment center had all the rooms sound proofed, so that one patient could not disturb a whole floor. Duo spread out his legs, and Trowa fit himself into the space between.

They had spent their evenings like this ever since Duo had been taken off restricted visitation. He only had a week before he would be on half-day outpatient sessions. He had become much more energetic now that he was anticipating being able to spend the night with Trowa, and be out of the clinic again. It made for much more lively visits, although it had taken them time to adjust to the twin bed. Trowa still had two bruises on his sides from times when he had fallen out.

He kissed his way down Duo's chest, and licked his way back up again. Duo ran his hands over Trowa's arms and back, rubbing his legs against Trowa's. He grinned, satisfied.

"What was the question again?"

Trowa smiled. "Where do you see yourself in ten years?"

"Just to clarify... you mean, where do I _want_ to see myself, right?" Duo ran his hands over Trowa's ass to distract him.

Trowa frowned. It hadn't worked. "Of course."

Duo sighed. "Yeah. I... I wanna go back to the colonies. Any colony. I want to get off this rock."

Trowa nodded. "Ok."

Duo looked away. "That's... that's not a problem, right?"

There was enough not being said in that to make Trowa feel weak, his arms and legs not able to support him any more. He slowly dropped, settling himself against Duo's side. "Yeah, no problem."

Duo nodded, still looking away, but smiling a bit. "Ok."

"What else?"

Duo shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, what do people _do?_ I've never been able to figure it out. I guess I'd just do whatever was necessary."

"You don't have to make all your decisions on what other people need; you can do what _you_ want, you know."

Duo rolled his eyes. "That's exactly what Dr. Mahoney said!"

Trowa repressed a laugh. Duo's eyes were sparkling, and there was a sense of affection in his expression. "You like Dr. Mahoney?"

Duo paused to think before he spoke. "She's... well, at first, she was really harsh, and it wasn't so much that I didn't like her, as much as she was dredging up a lot of crap I didn't want to think about. But, I trust her, and I respect her. I think that's more valuable in this situation than 'liking.'"

"Yeah," Trowa considered, "I guess that's how I feel about Dr. Levy. Well, he spends more time talking about brain scans and neurotransmitter blockages..."

Duo smirked. "Oooh, science!"

Trowa smirked. "He's not too invasive, though. I like that."

Duo rolled his eyes. "Yeah, Dr. Mahoney's the total opposite. She asks about what I ate when I was six, I swear..."

Trowa regarded Duo blankly. "Have you told her everything?"

Duo blinked, needing more time to shift conversational gears. "What?"

"I mean... You said you trust her. So. Have you told her everything?"

"We've talked three hours a day for the past eleven weeks. If there's anything left to say, I haven't a clue to what it is." Duo winked at him, smiling.

Trowa nodded. "Everything?"

Duo blinked, and then he stopped trying not to understand. "I've told her more than enough."

Trowa rolled onto his back, perching himself at the edge of the bed cautiously. He poked his foot out to stabilize himself on the metal footboard.

"Tro?"

He didn't turn to look at Duo, but he did nod.

"Do you believe in hell?"

Trowa wasn't foolish enough to think that it was a casual question that Duo was asking. He took his time. He wanted to be able to answer differently, but he didn't see how. "No. I don't believe in anything, really. I think I prefer to think that there's only oblivion waiting for us."

Duo shivered, and cozied up to Trowa's side. "I... I don't like to think of Solo and Sister Helen and Father Maxwell as just being gone..."

"Maybe it's like eastern philosophy teaches. Maybe they've been reincarnated. Maybe you'll meet them again in a future life."

"And we just keep coming back and coming back until we get it right?" Duo sounded skeptical. "Until we reach some sort of oneness with space and time? Do you think that's plausible?"

"Well," Trowa furrowed his brow, searching the ceiling for a clue or an insight, "no, not really."

Duo put his chin on Trowa's chest. "No, me neither. I've never really been a big proponent of God or anything, but it seems like... it seems like there's good and there's evil, you know? And there are people that I can't imagine just blinking away into nothing... I mean, when Solo died, I felt... I felt... I felt _something_. I felt connected to him. Like I might be able to carry him with me. I felt like that with Sister Helen, and Father Maxwell, too. Does that sound dumb?" Duo asked, sheepishly.

Trowa shook his head. "When... When my captain died, I... I thought that he might just be gone forever. Like he was never here at all. But he kept coming back to me. I'd have dreams about him during the war, and they felt so real... I know that's not exactly what you meant, but... people don't just go away. Not necessarily."

Duo sighed, and rubbed his cheek on Trowa's chest. "I just don't know what to believe."

"Keep going on, even when you've lost your faith." Trowa spoke solemnly, holding Duo tightly in his arms. "You have to keep going on, and if you don't have the answers, and you don't know what to believe in, just try to believe that someday you will."

Duo smiled, and leaned up so he could see Trowa's eyes. "Did you make that up, or did you hear it from somewhere?"

Trowa tried to remember. "I must have heard it."

"I don't know," Duo said, affectionately brushing away Trowa's bangs. "You're pretty smart."

Trowa kissed Duo's lips. "Sometimes."

"You did redirect this conversation nicely away from what you wanted to do with your life..."

Trowa laughed, rolling himself and Duo over so he wouldn't fall off the bed again. "That I did."

"But now we're back there." Duo's eyes sparkled as he teased, and made Trowa smile. "So. What do you want to do with your life?"

Trowa sighed, but as he was still smiling, it was a pleasant sound. "I don't know."

"Well," Duo began leaning on his elbow so he could present a more concentrated face. "What sort of things did you like doing in the past? I mean, besides piloting a weapon of mass destruction before you were old enough to drive in certain parts of the Earthsphere."

Trowa smirked. "That was good. I don't know." He thought about it. He thought back to the odd jobs he had done as a mercenary, under cover and for the crew. He thought about the things he had done during the wars, and the things he had done since then.

"Think about something you miss." Duo supplied helpfully. "Don't try to remember something specific, just try to think about something that you occasionally think, I miss doing that."

The answer was nearly immediate. "I like animals."

Duo encouraged him to continue silently.

"I liked working with the lions, and the other animals in the circus. I wished that they didn't have to live in cages, though. But I like all animals. I was always... hesitant to get a pet, but I like having animals around. They're more honest than people. Well," he poked Duo in the belly, "most people, anyway."

Duo laughed. "Animals! That's perfect! You can be a vet!" Duo grinned, clearly completely satisfied that they had solved Trowa's quandary.

Trowa blinked. "I can't."

"Sure you can! Why not?"

Trowa was fairly sure that answer was completely obvious. "I'd have to go to school."

Duo shrugged. "You could go to school."

Trowa stared at Duo. He really didn't see how he could possibly do what Duo was suggesting.

"Have you ever looked into it?" Duo was now getting really excited. He sat up on the bed, his hair streaming all around him, totally unconscious of his nudity. "Maybe there's a way you could bypass the requirements... Some sort of test, or equivalency classes! I've been to school. It's so easy. You read books, you take tests... You'd be a great vet! You wouldn't get grossed out by anything, and when it came time to put an animal down, you could handle it. You could do all the hard parts, and then for the easy parts, you'd get to be with animals!"

The way that Duo said it, there was a certain obviousness about it. Like it was what he was supposed to have been doing all along, and he just hadn't been aware of it. "Maybe."

"There are schools in the colonies, too," Duo offered shyly, presenting one shoulder so that his arm and his hair shielded him. "You could go to school, and I could get a job to support us in colony maintenance. They always need help with that, and the money is really good, too, because it's funded by the big corporations that subsidize the colonies. We could swing it."

Trowa sat up. This plan was becoming more and more tangible by the second. "Have you thought about this before?"

Duo shrugged, a misdirection. "I've thought about you going to school. Maybe."

It was so clear. "That was your answer to the question."

Duo became very shy. "Well. I know that there are problems... Neither of us has our pilot's license, and you would need to do some prep work, and I have this debt to pay off... Maybe you don't want to commit to being loaded down with that..."

Trowa leaned over and kissed Duo, putting his hands down on the bed behind Duo, surrounding Duo with his arms. "We're in this together. I love you, remember?"

Duo smiled, looking a little relieved. "And there's no one I'd rather be with."

They started to kiss some more, getting wrapped up in each other. Duo was just about to push Trowa down onto the bed when a sharp knock on the door disturbed their time together. 

"Mr. Maxwell! If you do not escort your guest out in the next ten minutes, we will be forced to call an orderly to come in and escort him out for you!"

"Just don't get Greg! He'd like it too much!"

There was some laughing on the other side of the door, but Trowa pulled away, putting his feet on the floor.

They got dressed quickly. Duo just threw on some sleeping pants and a t-shirt, but Trowa actually had to find things like socks, underwear, and shoes. When Trowa was done getting dressed, Duo was frantically tearing at his hair with a brush.

Trowa checked his watch. They still had four minutes. 

He took the brush from Duo's hand. Duo protested, turning to glare at Trowa. "It's your fault it's such a mess. I keep telling you it gets _everywhere_ when it's not in the braid..."

"I like it everywhere," Trowa countered, turning Duo around so he could brush out Duo's hair.

Duo sighed theatrically, but sat still and allowed Trowa to work.

He held the hair in his hand, brushing from where he held it down, and moving his hand progressively higher and higher, until he was able to brush it all out smoothly. He then quickly divided it at the base into three sections, and twined them with rapid precision. Duo whistled appreciatively as he worked. "Damn, you're making a good one!"

Trowa smirked, but said nothing.

He was just tying off the braid when there was a second knock, and an orderly nervously peeked in, keeping his eyes closed. "Mr. Maxwell? Mr. Barton?"

Duo politely refrained from laughing out loud, and he and Trowa swept out of the room together, leaving the orderly behind to sigh in relief.

They kissed good night, to the amusement of some of the patients in the multipurpose room who had become used to seeing Duo and Trowa together. Just as Trowa was turning to leave, Duo called out, "Wait," and ran up after him. Duo threw himself into Trowa's arms, and hugged him so hard, Trowa thought he might have trouble breathing. "I don't think I could tell her _everything_ ," he said softly into Trowa's ear.

Trowa squeezed him tightly around the waist.

"I'll try to tell her something, though. Ok?"

Trowa didn't entirely like the pleading tone in Duo's voice, but he ignored it. "She's smart, Duo," he whispered back. "She might be able to help you find the answers you're looking for."

"Maybe," Duo replied uncertainly, pulling away. He kissed Trowa as he sank out of his arms. "But it was enough that I told you."

Trowa stood there, shell-shocked, holding Duo's hands, until the orderly gently tapped his shoulder. After he left, he sat in his car for a long time in the dark, getting cold as the windows in the car slowly fogged up.

He didn't think about anything. He just sat, completely comfortable.

* * *

  


He got to the treatment center early. He parked, and even got out, but he didn't go in right away. Instead, he waited by the building in the grass, behind the tree, where he could see the parking lot.

Eleven o'clock came and went, but he continued to wait patiently.

It only took until 11:17. Heero's black car pulled into the lot and parked in the rear. Heero got out, and stalked purposefully around the building, looking in windows as if he were supposed to be doing that. Trowa said nothing, and continued to wait until Heero got close enough to see him.

Heero stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes narrowing and his hands balling into fists as he was clearly assessing the situation. 

Trowa waited for him to speak.

"Aren't you missing precious time with the patient?" Heero walked in a wide circle around Trowa's position, keeping his body facing Trowa at all times, his hands at the ready at his sides.

He was so transparent right then, Trowa almost felt sympathy for him. "Coward."

Heero's glare intensified. "What did you call me?"

"It must be like looking in the mirror." Trowa spoke distinctly, but it didn't really sound like he was talking to Heero, and he certainly wasn't responding to Heero, in words or in actions. "You see all the bloodstains on his hands, and it's like seeing yourself, isn't it? If you punish him, do you think that you can make yourself clean again?"

"Don't insult me by suggesting that he's like me," Heero warned defensively, but Trowa was unconcerned.

"And how did it feel, knowing that he had succeeded where you had failed? Not something I imagine you are used to dealing with... Not only did you fail yourself, but you jeopardized the mission entirely. If he _hadn't_ stepped up and cleaned up after you, Relena might have died, along with a lot of innocent people. Think of all that blood on your hands." Trowa gradually let his gaze fall onto Heero, until he was staring right into Heero's eyes. 

For a moment, he remembered being young, in the war, and wanting desperately to see something in those eyes except that steely determination that Heero projected to the world. He remembered wanting to see Heero's passion. The memory was faded, like he was remembering something that he had read in a book once, and not something that he had actually felt. He felt divorced from his past at the moment.

Heero snarled, and took a step closer, his tension causing his whole frame to shake. "He's just a filthy little whore. He was so _willing_ to be used. Maybe he made you beg, but he was on his back for me in a second. Am I supposed to respect someone like that?"

Trowa cocked his head to the side. "Maybe you should respect yourself."

Heero took another step closer, his teeth grinding against each other so that Trowa was surprised that he couldn't hear them from where he was standing. "Maybe you should mind your own damn business for once. Maybe you should get out of my way."

Trowa smirked. "I think you're the one that's in my way."

Heero sneered. "And what exactly do you propose to do? Are we going to have a rematch? You won't be catching me unaware like in Une's office."

Trowa smiled genially. "I don't need to fight you, Heero. I have what I want, and Duo has what he wants. It's time for you to move on."

Heero came very close to Trowa, so that there was only just a little grass between their feet. There was just enough space between them so that one or the other could move enough to get in a solid hit. The significance of the distance was perfectly apparent to both. Heero's eyes were piercing right into Trowa's, and Trowa had to physically restrain himself from blinking. Heero's lips curled just a tiny bit in the corner of one side, a sinister grin that he knowingly let settle before he spoke. "Oh, I don't think so. Not until I hear it from him. He loves _me_. He swore to me that he would love me for the rest of his life, no matter what. He is _mine_."

Trowa snorted airily through his nose. "Are you honestly that naive? He'll love you to the day that he dies, Heero. It doesn't mean that he'll be with you.

"He chose _me_. He wants to be with me. You need to find another punching bag. This relationship is no good for either of you."

Heero didn't flinch, but he unconsciously took a half-step back. "And what do you think you can do to stop me? How exactly do you intend to keep me away?"

Trowa moved closer, leaning over so that his nose was just a slip away from bumping into Heero's. "Are you expecting me to threaten you? To say I'll kill you if you ever touch him again? Would you believe that?

"You always act like you are so damned superior to the rest of the world. So be superior. You are no good for him. He's no good for you. Walk away."

There was a moment of absolute stillness. Heero seemed completely frozen - not even his eyelids twitched. Trowa could feel his whole body start to ache from the effort of being motionless, but he would rather have his skin peeled off with rusty Swiss army knife prior to taking a bath in rubbing alcohol than be the first one to move.

Heero blinked. He made a scoffing sound, and turned his back on Trowa. "You two deserve each other. Enjoy rolling in the filth."

Trowa relaxed slowly, so as not to be too obvious about it. "You know what, Heero. You should get some therapy. Do you a world of good."

Heero laughed just once, a bark of disgusted dismissal. Trowa watched as he stalked back to his car, and drove away. Trowa waited for a moment, getting his bearing before heading into the treatment center. He had purposefully stayed with his back to the wall for the whole confrontation, and now his knees felt rubbery. 

He had entered the ranks of the select few who defied Heero Yuy and lived.

Duo was waiting none too patiently for him in the door to the multipurpose room. As soon as he saw Trowa enter the lobby, he took off, smacking Trowa across the shoulder as soon as he was close enough. "What the hell took so long?"

Trowa felt a little funny, standing there in the lobby, holding his hand out for the visitor's badge, smiling down at Duo. He hadn't been completely sure before now that Duo really looking forward to his visits. "Sorry."

"Sorry?" Duo echoed, disbelieving. "Is that it?"

Trowa fixed the visitor's badge to his collar, and shepherded Duo inside. "Let's go back to your room."

Duo crossed his arms over his chest, and affected a resistant air, although he walked along just fine under his own power. "What makes you think you get to go to my room, hm? Maybe I'm mad at you."

Trowa leaned close to Duo so that he could whisper directly into his ear. "I saw Heero outside."

"Oh." Duo lost all expression, his arms falling numbly to his sides. Trowa wasn't entirely sure how to read him, so he just shuttled them back to Duo's room faster, making sure to close and lock the door behind him. 

"It's ok. He just... I think he was just coming by every now and again to... look in." He tried to sound reassuringly blank, but it was difficult given that he wasn't entirely sure what Duo was thinking.

"Looking in? You don't think he's... he's gonna try to visit, do you?" Duo's eyes were wide and he looked afraid, which made him look much younger than he was.

Trowa sat them down on the bed, and put his arms around Duo's waist. "No one can visit you unless you want them to. You just have to tell them, right? So you don't have to worry about this."

Duo nodded blankly, turning to shelter himself more fully in Trowa's arms. "I just... I'm not _afraid_ or anything, you know, it's just... I don't want to see him."

Trowa held Duo tightly enough that he could feel Duo getting warmer. "I know. Temptation. But you don't have to worry, it's safe."

Duo pulled himself up. "No, that's not what I mean... I mean, I have no desire to go back to him, or anything like that. I mean... Christ fuckin' hell, it's just all this shit we've dredged up in sessions... And I think about the things I let him do to me, I just feel... _dirty_. I don't want to see him again, I mean, I don't want to have deal with the whole thing, you know? I just wish he'd just... go away."

Duo looked and sounded miserable. He was rubbing his hands over his arms like he was cold, and he wasn't looking at Trowa. Trowa put his hand on Duo's chin, and gently led Duo's eyes back to him. "I understand."

Duo nodded absently. "Yeah. I mean... I guess the mature thing to do would be to close the door, you know, end things so that there's closure, but... It feels like such a retread. Like we keep spinning around the same dame issues all the damn time..."

Trowa kissed Duo's cheek softly, letting his lips get just a little wet, and leaving a small ring of moisture on Duo's cheek. "You don't need to face him now."

Duo smiled. "Good. 'Cause there's plenty of things I'd rather be doing." 

Trowa felt his pulse pound, and there was a rush behind his eyes as Duo leaned in for a kiss. It was like what he imagined being in school and being kissed for the first time would be like. He didn't understand why he was feeling so much right now, but instead of picking it all apart, he just let it all happen.

Duo bounced off the bed, and Trowa couldn't contain a noise of protest.

"Wait, before we... get distracted, I have something for you." Duo was grinning manically from ear to ear. "I looked some stuff up online, and I found all this great stuff... I printed out the addresses and everything, so you could look into things more, but... The college and university systems in the colonies work a little bit differently than on Earth. Out of necessity, they developed into more trade school-like institutions than the whole mess down here on the rock. So the requirements aren't that bad. You would really only have to take this one entrance test, which is standardized for all the colonial universities. There are three vet schools... One on L5, one on L1, and one on L4. L2 has one, too, but it's kinda crappy... you can only get an associate's license from them. L3 is rebuilding a lot of their schools, so they don't have everything yet. The test is pretty tough, only about eight percent of the people who take it pass, but I bet you could ace it anyway, cuz a lot of kids take it right out of high school, so that number isn't really indicative of anything. You could probably take just a couple of classes at your university online, and totally be prepped to ace this thing."

Duo spread out all the sheets of information he had printed out on the bed, practically bouncing as he relayed the information. Trowa stared down at the sheets in wonder, almost mystified by the colors and symbols on them. He hadn't really given his conversation with Duo much thought afterward. In therapy, Dr. Levy had encouraged him to give the matter more thought, but he wasn't the sort of doctor to push too much. He liked to give his patient's room to come to their own decisions. 

Duo started to gnaw on his bottom lip. "Er, they aren't that expensive either, and there are loans and stuff you can get to tide you over... I mean, if you want to, that is. Anyway, it just... it seemed like something that could happen."

Duo could only watch Trowa not look at his handiwork for so long, and then he started to shuffle them back together again. Trowa put his hands on Duo's, and stilled them. "Thank you."

Duo looked up into Trowa's eyes. "You'd be really good with animals, you know. It could be... something you'd care about."

Trowa felt foolish for not seeing the naked need in Duo before. Of course it mattered more to Duo that _Trowa_ had a purpose and a future than that he did for himself. Trowa leaned down, and kissed Duo passionately. He almost fell on top of the pile of papers as he pushed Duo down onto the bed. Duo managed to sneak them aside before they landed together on the mattress. "You ever been to L5?"

Duo beamed. "A couple of times, although one of the colonies I went to is gone now. Fei's stupid family. But I've always heard that they have more of a frontier feeling on L5."

Trowa nodded, absently smoothing Duo's hair around his face. "L4 is so controlled by the Winners... They do good things, but I wouldn't want to live there. And L1 has so damn many tourists."

Duo sat up, clearly excited. "Great! You just need to sign up for a biology class, and probably chemistry and physics, although those should be easier. The test is in August, since the colonial schools start in October. It's kinda fast, but I think we can do it. I mean, I might not have my pilot's license yet, but I think that was more of an excuse than anything else." Duo blushed as he admitted that, and Trowa's heart beat a little faster in his chest, being privileged enough to be trusted with that. 

Trowa shook his head. "Damn. We have plans."

Duo grinned so hard, he started to laugh out loud.

* * *

  


Duo was doing his best not to panic, Trowa could tell, but it wasn't easy. Today was the day that he left inpatient care, and began his outpatient care. He had had sessions in the morning, and had gotten all packed up the night before, and he had waited in the multipurpose room for Trowa to come pick him up.

Unfortunately, before Trowa could get there, right at visiting hours, Relena had shown up with an entourage.

Trowa watched with guilty bemusement as Relena clutched Duo's arm, and virtually bounced at his side as she yammered on about nothing that made sense.

Duo saw Trowa at the door, and jumped up, not quite able to disentangle himself from Relena. "Trowa!"

Trowa walked inside casually, keeping his eyes down so that he didn't give into his amusement. "Ready?"

"Isn't this exciting!?" Relena took Trowa's wrist in her hand, so that she was holding onto both of them. Trowa looked down on the small pinkish white fingers surrounding his wrist with the same sort of curiosity that tigers gave the flies that joined them for dinner. "I'm just so happy for both of you! This is such a big step. We have to celebrate. I've already made all the arrangements, I was telling Duo about it, but just in case he forgets, you both _have_ to come to my city penthouse for just a small little gathering. Everyone will be there! Well, I had to send Heero to Paris for the weekend, business matter, but that's not really relevant... Aren't you excited?"

Trowa smiled at Relena with what he hoped was less poorly disguised disgust and more wan acceptance. "Yes."

Duo rolled his eyes, tugging his arm in an attempt to release it from Relena's grip. "Hey, 'Lena, can Tro and I have our moment, please?"

"Oh!" She looked absolutely horrified, and jumped back, dropping their appendages as if her hands were burning. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to interfere!"

Duo resisted the urge to roll his eyes, and Trowa considered that to be indulgent. Duo put his arms around Trowa's neck, and Trowa lifted him by the waist into a tight hug, tight enough to allow Duo to speak to him without Relena realizing they were whispering about her.

"Please don't make me do this!"

Trowa nodded against Duo's cheek, and slipped away so that he could kiss Duo in acknowledgment. "You know, Relena... I think today is kinda stressful enough. Maybe we could do this... celebration thing?... another time."

"Oh." Relena clearly understood, but was terribly disappointed.

Before Duo's guilt could kick in and cause him to reverse their plan, Trowa added, "What about tomorrow? We could just go out for a simple dinner. What do you think?"

Relena beamed brightly. "Whatever you want! I'm just so happy!" She impulsively leaned in and threw herself all over Duo, who definitely had no idea what to do with a woman in his arms.

Other patients around the room were watching them avidly. One thin young girl with streaked blonde hair poked her companion in the ribs and started to whisper furiously. There were mixed expressions of shock, approval, and confusion around the room. The patient who always carried a sketchbook was rapidly scribbling on the page, his eyes locked on Relena and Duo.

Perhaps he might have felt jealous at one point of the way that Duo and Relena appeared to fit together, but he was so far beyond the point of doubt that all he could see was how desperately Duo wanted out of the embrace.

Relena said something to him, speaking quietly while looking directly into his eyes, and when she had him completely flatfooted, she leaned in to steal a kiss.

Trowa raised an eyebrow in mock approbation, but said nothing, just letting Relena blush guiltily without comment.

He picked up Duo's bag, and put his hand on Duo's back as they walked out. Relena had whipped out her cell phone, and started to make plans for an early supper the next night. By the time they reached their car, Relena had already made reservations for a room at a medium-priced restaurant downtown, and called Une, Sally, Wu Fei, and her brother to inform them of the changes to the plan.

Duo was looking at him with mild hysteria, but Trowa just kissed him on the forehead and patted his back in encouragement.

Relena insisted on another hug, one for each of them, and kissed their cheeks, before she could cheerily wave goodbye. Trowa and Duo stood side by side next to the car, watching her go.

"She's like a hurricane."

"That's an insult to hurricanes," Duo surmised gloomily. He turned to Trowa accusingly. "Dinner?!"

Trowa raised his hands in surrender. "I had no idea she was going to be here. Or any of this."

Duo pouted. "I don't know about this, Tro..."

Trowa took Duo in his arms, kissing him gently. There was this indescribable thrill, having Duo with him outside the confines of the treatment center. "We'll make it."

Duo sighed, and leaned on Trowa. "We damn well better, because I've gone through hell just to get this far..."

Trowa could hear the misery in Duo's voice, but he reacted to the words instead. He buried his hand in the back of Duo's braid, and he kissed Duo long and hard. 

Duo was grinning when they were done. "You have a way with words, Tro."

Trowa winked at him.

They were halfway through their drive home when Duo noticed it.

"Uh, Trowa? This isn't the way to the apartment, is it?"

Trowa nodded slowly, knowing what was going through Duo's head, but still not sure how he was going to tell Duo. "Ah. Right. I might have forgotten to mention it, but we moved."

"We moved."

"Yes."

"And you _forgot_ to mention it?"

"Yes."

Duo burst out laughing, shocking Trowa enough that he swerved in his lane minutely. He turned to look at Duo for a moment, just trying to gauge what kind of laugh it was.

"You forgot. That's perfect. Ok then. Where did we move?"

Trowa shrugged a little, indicating ahead with a nod of his head. "You'll see. It's a little small."

Duo was still grinning from ear to ear. "Well, that's understandable, all things considered. Why didn't you tell me?"

Trowa considered each word before committing them to speech. "It wasn't important, and I didn't want to bother you."

"Right." Duo rolled his eyes. "Because I've been so busy. I could have helped you look up places, or used some of my damn craft time to make some sort of housewarming thing."

There was the slight indication of a reproach in Duo's voice, but there was enough humor that Trowa was fairly confident that he was going to be forgiven. "Sorry."

"It's ok." Duo shrugged, smiling. "I would have done the same thing, had our positions been reversed."

Trowa brightened, smiling tightly back at Duo.

It wasn't terribly difficult to find parking in their new neighborhood, though if they hadn't been former soldiers, they might have thought twice about taking the short cut through the narrow alley. Their new building was smaller and much plainer than where they had lived. The lobby did not have any decorating nuances like mosaic-tiled floors, and there was no elevator at all. Their new apartment was a studio, with a small bathroom and a small kitchen tucked in the back. The room was filled so that there was only just enough room to walk around the bed. Along the wall, packing boxes had been stacked, many turned onto their sides, and opened so that their contents were accessible. The bedside tables were packing boxes, as was the kitchen table, the tv table, the 'phone table, and the small footlocker at the foot of the bed.

Duo stood in the middle of the room and turned around slowly so that he could see it all while Trowa stood back in the doorway to the kitchen, watching nervously. Duo whistled low. "We could play Name the Fire Code Violations to pass the time."

Trowa grinned, and ducked his head. "There wasn't a lot of room, so I sold most of our furniture, but I kept all of our things."

Duo nodded, and went to put his arms around Trowa. "Good. You know what I like? Since the bed dominates the room, it kinda suggests what we should be doing..."

Trowa ran his hands up and down Duo's back. "That's what I've been thinking."

It had been a long time since Trowa had Duo between his legs. He writhed underneath Duo's frail, wiry body, and felt helpless in the wake of the passion that Duo stirred inside of him.

Afterwards, they sat in the cramped bathtub together, Duo curled up against his body, and he ran his fingers through Duo's hair. They had left the lights off, so as it got darker, the bathroom became more and more shadowed, until the only light was cast from the streetlight, dimly illuminating the bathroom because they had left the door to the apartment open.

Trowa rinsed out Duo's hair, and brushed it out as they sat on the bed. Duo kept his hands balled up next to him on the bed, and Trowa watched Duo's hands clench and unclench as he passed the brush through Duo's hair. 

They started to talk. Simple questions about the bathroom fixtures became a discussion of their future plans, and slowly turned into a conversation about the role their friends would play in their lives as their future unfolded.

Duo was going to look for a job first thing tomorrow. He had sessions from one until three in the afternoon, scheduled so that they wouldn't conflict with Trowa's work. He decided that it would be best for Trowa to study in the apartment while he was in his sessions. Trowa had explained that there were computer labs for the online courses, but that all the information was on the net anyway, and if he needed any reference material, he could pick it up from whichever library before he left work for the day.

Duo would find a job where he could work mornings, something with little stress and enough pay so that he could contribute to their income, and start to pay back some of their debts.

They evaded the issue of going back to the colonies. There was no need to get into too much of a debate just then. It was understood that they would both need to start looking into getting their licenses reinstated, and that Trowa stood a better chance of getting it done. It didn't need to be said.

Duo asked dozens of questions about how things had been while he was in the center. He asked about things that Trowa had never considered before, and about mundane things that Trowa couldn't believe he was interested in, but Trowa answered each question patiently.

He asked about whom Trowa saw and talked to while he was in the center, and Trowa was dumbfounded to discover that he had been living in virtual seclusion the whole time.

Duo asked about Quatre, and where things stood with him, and how Trowa felt, each question tentatively probing a little deeper as Duo felt out Trowa's reactions. Trowa was not surprised to hear himself answering with a totally neutral expression, but he was surprised at how little pain there was in Duo's questions.

Dr. Levy had probed Trowa's reactions to Quatre and their past together on several occasions, and it always left Trowa feeling a bit exhausted.

They talked about Wu Fei and Sally, and Noin and Zechs, and Relena, and Hilde and Catherine, and eventually, they talked about Heero, Duo sighing and looking away as he said Heero's name. Trowa had never seen Duo looking ashamed before, and he didn't like it.

Duo put his head down on Trowa's shoulder, and asked to be forgiven for not dumping Heero as soon as he started becoming involved with Trowa. For not cutting off contact with Heero after he started to live with Trowa, even though he knew that Heero was only interested in keeping a claim on him. For not throwing the heroin away as soon as Heero had put it on the table.

Trowa held Duo in his arms, and offered whatever absolution he could give with his embrace.

They fell asleep propped up against the bed, and Trowa fuzzily remembered trying to continue their conversation while nodding off.

* * *

  


"She said it was going to be casual, right?" Duo nervously adjusted the collar of his shirt, his eyes glued to the small mirror over the sink in the bathroom.

Trowa smiled as he watched. He still didn't have his pants on, but Duo was completely washed up, shaved, and dressed. "You look fine." It was an understatement, Trowa thought, but there was no reason to try to make Duo's head spin. Trowa knew better; Duo would never believe him if he tried to be honest.

Duo turned away from the mirror, his eyes a little wide with panic. He was wearing black jeans that were just tight enough to be stylish, and white button down shirt that just had enough of a sheen to the cotton to seem like it was shining. His hair was perfectly plaited, and his shoes were neatly shined.

He looked ready for a job interview.

"But do I look casual? Or too casual? Where is this place she made reservations for, anyway? And who's going to be there?" Duo turned back to the mirror, sighing with frustration.

Trowa clamped down on his amusement. "It's Gino's. You've been there, I'm sure. It's a little touristy, but it's got good food. They make pizza."

"A pizza place. Ok." Duo smoothed his hands over his thighs, nodding to himself. "Trowa, how long have you been taking antidepressants?"

Trowa blinked. "About three weeks."

"You didn't tell me." Duo's voice was deliberately flat, and Trowa wasn't sure how to interpret it.

"I didn't want to get your hopes up." 

Duo turned around to face Trowa in a panic, and was next to Trowa in the next heartbeat. "Tro! You're not taking them because you think that I want you to be... happier, or some such shit, are you?"

"No," Trowa reasoned out slowly. "It's just... You've been facing your demons. I'm trying to do the same."

Duo paused. "Your doctor prescribed them? And you don't mind them? Did he take all the appropriate head scans?"

Trowa nodded solemnly. 

"Ok." Duo sighed, and sat down next to Trowa. "Well?"

Trowa shrugged.

Grinning, Duo put his hand on Trowa's. "Well, you do seem to smile more."

Trowa cocked his head to the side. "Really?"

"Not a lot more." Duo winked at him, and took a kiss.

Trowa shook his head, and got up to brush his teeth. Duo stayed on the bed, either satisfied with his appearance or tired of looking at himself in the mirror, and he watched Trowa as Trowa had watched him.

"I'm jealous."

Trowa turned to look at Duo, still bent over the sink, his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. 

"You get drugs. I don't get drugs." Duo's eyes were twinkling as he was trying to contain his laughter, and Trowa had to put his head over the sink again before he spewed toothpaste all over the place. Duo laughed, rolling on his side on the bed, and Trowa couldn't resist. He quickly spit out the toothpaste, wiped his mouth off on a towel, and went out to take advantage of Duo's mirth.

They managed to get to the restaurant only twenty minutes late, and Duo was able to salvage his fancy dress shirt.

Everyone was at the table already. As they walked through the door, Duo squeezed Trowa hand tightly enough to cause Trowa to want to wince. Wu Fei glared across the table, meeting Relena's eyes, and so there were no cheers or applause, but each person calmly took a turn shaking Duo's hand and congratulating him.

Fei was the first one to greet Duo. He took Duo's arm in a traditional handshake, holding it nearly at the elbow, and he put his other hand on Duo's shoulder as he nodded, smiling a broad smile that made him look several years younger than he was. Sally was right behind him with a quick hug of support. Wu Fei and Trowa stood shoulder to shoulder as they witnessed the small reception line that attacked Duo.

"Quatre couldn't get away from his business meetings this weekend." Wu Fei spoke directly to Trowa, his eyes never leaving Duo.

Trowa nodded, not really sure what else there was to say. Despite how he had left things with Quatre, he was just as glad not to have to endure the strained politeness of his presence. 

Wu Fei scowled. "If you like, I can have a word with him."

Trowa was entertained by the picture of Wu Fei acting as their attack dog. "No, it's not necessary."

Wu Fei glared at him. "A man should not abandon his friends, regardless of the circumstances."

Trowa stoically bore his gaze. "It is permissible to make allowances for personal feelings."

"He should never have allowed his feelings for you to interfere with his relationship with Duo, especially now that Duo needs the support of his friends." There was a note of pouting castigation in Wu Fei's voice that grated on Trowa's nerves.

Trowa watched Duo greeting Zechs with some degree of embarrassment as he contemplated his response. "I hope that it is only natural that people's feelings for me and for Duo would now be connected. And, I don't want to be difficult, but if Duo or I were to depend solely on our 'friends' for strength, we would both be dead already." Trowa shrugged as Wu Fei stared. "It's all right. Maybe now would be a good time to reconnect with old friends. But don't blame Quatre for having a heart. He can't help being who he is."

"I'm sorry." Wu Fei spoke seriously, and Trowa was sure that he could count on one hand the number of times that Wu Fei had uttered those words in his life.

There was no reason for there to be any ill feelings. Trowa smirked with half his mouth. "Don't think of it. This is supposed to be some sort of party or something."

Wu Fei sighed, his eyes bright, and they joined the table. 

Relena had Duo right next to her, and Duo took Trowa's hand as they sat down, so that put Trowa in the somewhat awkward position of somehow sitting next to Zechs. Trowa wasn't sure when the last time he had seen the older man, but he was sure that if Zechs were not of royal descent, he would have melted into the ground by now. He tried to make conversation several times, joking about pushy sisters who dragged you off places, but no conversation could get off the ground before Duo would tug on his hand.

It should have been a completely quiet, relaxing night, but Relena did insist on beaming and occasionally exclaiming her happiness. Duo sat in his chair ramrod straight, his eyes darting around as he tried to fit in and keep up with conversation. Before the pizzas were served, Trowa was hoping he could steal Duo away on some flimsy excuse, to spare him the tension.

Trowa was just in the process of clearing his throat so that he could make some announcement to the effect that they had to leave when Une tapped on her glass with her fork. She smiled discreetly at the gathered group, and nodded at Duo. "I'm sorry, I don't want to interrupt anyone, or interfere in this lovely gathering for the evening... I'd like to thank Ms. Relena for organizing this get together, and especially for including me in the guest list. What we have in common may be very little indeed, but we do share some rather extraordinary friends, and I'm very grateful to be able to share this evening with you both." She nodded at Duo and Trowa with a smile, raising her glass slightly to them.

Trowa was impressed. As evil as Une had ever been, she certainly did have excellent manners.

"I wanted to be able to offer you something as a token of my congratulations. No, no, hear me out... Over the past several years, I have wanted to cultivate a working environment that would embrace the best talents we have available to us in the system, but there are some necessary evils to bureaucracy, and I'm afraid I fell short in my duty to look after the interests of those who had the most to offer the Preventers. I still very much believe in the mission many of us have dedicated our lives to serve, but more importantly, the peace all of you fought so valiantly for would be meaningless if those that sacrificed the most to gain it were unable to experience it.

"It is in the spirit of peace and freedom that I offer you this." She pulled out from her breast pocket two legal envelopes. "I imagine that now that you are no longer tied down to our organization, you will be seeking your futures amongst the stars, as is fitting. I have been quietly appealing your injunctions, and you have been granted a reprieve. There will be a six-month probation period, but if all the conditions have been met once the injunctions are reevaluated at that time, then you will be given back your pilot's license, per the judge's discretion. I should add, I would be more than willing to speak on your behalf at that hearing, because I know that there are very few people in the entire Earthsphere that are as qualified as the pair of you."

There was a pregnant pause after Une's speech during which Duo and Trowa just stared at the envelopes on the table before them. On the one hand, Une going to bat for them made things much simpler, in a way they could not have hoped to see happen. With her support, there was little doubt that they would both be cleared for flight sooner than they thought.

On the other hand, it wasn't something they had ever intended to discuss in public, especially in front of Wu Fei and Zechs.

Trowa considered which was more embarrassing - having a former comrade in arms be made painfully aware of your deficiencies since the end of the war, or having a former enemy know your weaknesses. He couldn't decide which was more painful, so he couldn't commit to a reaction of embarrassment, which left him contemplating being grateful.

Relena sighed and picked up the envelopes, taking Une's confused attention away from the guests of honor. "Well, obviously, this is just a technicality, although it is a great relief that it is being taken care of. That is really generous of you." She actually smiled at Une, which was a feat of pure will.

Trowa was impressed.

Duo stood up suddenly. He cleared his throat, and brushed his hands down over his pants. He reached out a hand to Une, smiling a little as she took it. "Thank you. You can't know what this means. I... I'm not sure I'm comfortable accepting such generosity. I had hoped to _earn_ my license back. But your support is greatly appreciated."

Trowa wasn't surprised that she was unable to respond in the face of Duo's unchecked grace.

The rest of the evening went from there. It was as if it were understood by all that the largest hurdle of the evening had been leapt, and therefore the rest of the time was for fun alone. Wu Fei engaged Sally in a debate on the philosophical ramifications of vegetarianism that made for lively table conversation, especially after Wu Fei stood up, tossing his napkin down in anger, and challenged Sally to a gentleman's duel.

Her response to that was sure to keep Wu Fei's cheeks red for a year.

They weren't even the first ones to leave. Une had an early meeting she wanted to prepare for, and Sally claimed that winning arguments always tired her out. There was about a half and hour when it was the five of them around the table, just talking and laughing, and Trowa was shocked to discover that Zechs had a sense of humor.

When Relena apologetically informed them that it was time for her to go, they all got up and the dinner broke up. Wu Fei shook Duo's hand again, his face beaming with pride as he thanked Duo for taking back his life. Duo honestly had no response to that, so Trowa stepped in to get Fei to let go of Duo's shocked limb. Relena gave them each a peck on the cheek, and then she managed to somehow steal another kiss from Duo. Trowa gave her an eye that made her giggle and hide her face.

Surprisingly, Zechs was strangely warm as he wished them a good night. He was just about to turn to join Relena in the limo, when he smirked at Duo. "Excuse me, I realize this is inappropriate... but how much do you remember of our... encounter in the Preventers space station four years ago?"

Duo laughed, a lot of the tension bleeding out of his body. "Sadly, very little."

Zechs shook his head. "Ah well. Better to have loved and lost..." He winked at them with mirth, and Trowa just shook his head.

"Those Peacecraft kids sure do jones on you."

Duo shook his head, stretching out languidly. "I can't help it if I'm dead sexy."

Trowa barked out a laugh, which caused Duo to mock indignation.

It was late enough when they got home that Trowa went straight to bed, in the habit of being up early for work. Duo spooned up behind him, and just when Trowa was about to drift off, he sighed happily.

"Hey Tro."

"Yeah?"

"We might be pilots again."

Trowa smiled, keeping his eyes closed but reaching out to take Duo's hand in his. "Yeah."

* * *

  


Life settled into a rhythm. Duo got a job stocking shelves at a hardware store just four blocks from their apartment. It was owned by an older couple, and run by their son. The family took to Duo and his humorous candor right away, especially since he knew the merchandise as well as they did. He worked from six in the morning until twelve, and then he and Trowa had lunch together. Trowa would leave in the morning while Duo was still asleep in his bed. Each morning he left later and later, until he was starting his runs almost a full hour later than he had initially. He would come back to an empty apartment, and for lack of anything better to do, he would tidy up. It was too small a space to get dirty, really, as they would be living in their own filth if they let it go even a little, but Duo usually did not pick up after himself in the morning, so Trowa always had a little something to clean up. 

He would make lunch. He made sandwiches and other foods associated with lunch. He always made salads, too. Duo had gotten used to eating greens at the treatment center, and Trowa thought it was a good habit to continue. The salad was the best part of the meal to prepare, because it entailed cleaning and cutting vegetables, a very sanitary process. He disliked making sandwiches with meat, because he had developed an aversion to the slick feeling of the slices in his hands, but he made sure that their meals had enough nutrients to sustain them.

Duo always had stories about his morning. This customer or that mix-up with the order. It was just mindless chatter, just the result of Trowa being quiet and letting Duo talk. What was astonishing was that, over time, Trowa had stories to tell of his mornings, too. Usually, about traffic, or some strange looking student he saw. They often laughed about the shabbily dressed students slinking back from whatever dorm they had spent the night to their home dorm. It seemed so utterly juvenile to both of them.

In the afternoon, Duo would leave for his sessions, and Trowa would sit in front of the computer to study. His classes weren't hard, and the adjustment to the structured learning was remarkably simple after spending so much time in a cube working for the Preventers. In fact, the rigors of class work made much more sense than most of the corporate-styled policies of the Preventers.

Once a week, Trowa would go to Dr. Levy's office for an hour in the afternoon, and he would patiently endure as Dr. Levy picked through his brain. Their sessions were dry and formal, and Trowa appreciated each effort. He wasn't sure that there was much that was getting accomplished, but it was irrelevant. It was the journey.

In the evening, they would sometimes watch tv, sometimes go out, sometimes read together, and sometimes go for a walk. The evenings were more open. Sometimes, Duo would needle Trowa into calling Catherine. Sometimes, Duo would call Hilde or Howard. On the weekends, they often saw either Wu Fei or Relena. They always talked to both of them. 

There was a rhythm.

There were bad days when Duo was withdrawn and surly. Days when Trowa scratched at his arms, and resented Duo's presence in his life. When the space they occupied seemed a fraction of the size that they needed, and the two of them seemed to be completely incompatible. There were times when neither of them wanted to go about his day, or deal with anyone, even each other.

It never seemed to interrupt their sex life. Sometimes, it was like mindless rutting, and sometimes it was indescribable and beautiful, but they collectively viewed it as something necessary to quench their appetite, and nothing disturbed that.

Trowa sometimes felt like he was just getting to know Duo. It was like he was rediscovering things about his lover that he had never known. He got better at reading the other man's moods, and he gradually became aware that Duo was getting better at reading his moods. They were starting to grow accustomed to each other on a minute - to - minute basis.

Duo was always enthusiastic about helping Trowa study, and was fascinated by the way that the textbooks described things he had assumed were common knowledge. Trowa found Duo's raw intellect to be utterly beguiling, and if he were not already in love with Duo, discovering the workings of his mind would have surely seduced him. Before tests, Duo would hold the textbooks and help Trowa cram, asking him question after question, until the questions devolved into discussions, which were always more enlightening than his readings of the materials. He became addicted to the way that Duo approached problems, and found himself mimicking Duo when he went to solve problems himself.

It wasn't idyllic. Most of the time, Trowa felt like they were both working all the time at just keeping the status quo. He thought that was why they were so hungry for sex all the time - it was their only time to just release the tensions of the day. 

It was better than any other time of Trowa's life.

They talked about the future when the lights were out, and they were buried in the sheets and blankets and each other's limbs. They spoke quietly, so that only they could hear, and Trowa could never see Duo's face during these conversations, only feel his body against his own.

They avoided certain topics. Their licenses, or lack thereof, loomed large and ignored in their conversations. Sometimes, they had to work hard to not speak of them. 

The colonies were connected by shuttles, but the shuttles ran infrequently due to the expense of maintaining large transport vehicles. Instead, smaller crafts were common, and most people traveled from colony to colony, and cluster to cluster in these small ships, most of which were not fitted to travel to Earth. While one colonial cluster was generally self-sufficient, that didn't mean that each colony in the cluster was self-sufficient, so travel between colonies was quite common. 

As a result, life in the colonies often depended on the ability to pilot one's self from point to point, something that would be tricky if just Trowa had a license, and impossible if neither of them did.

They ignored it, though. There was nothing they could do to ensure that they would be granted their licenses back, and nothing they could do if they couldn't get them back. It was just understood that there was this concern that would potentially muck up all of their plans.

They never spoke of Une or her offer. It was enough that she was giving them the chance. That was all either wanted.

When Duo first came home, they received a few calls from Heero, but Duo never accepted the calls, and he never returned them. Trowa enjoyed deleting them more than he should have, but he couldn't help the thrill of triumph that elevated him as the machine pinged 'message deleted.'

Trowa brushed Duo's hair every night, burying his fingers in the thick tresses as he gently pulled the brush down its length. Duo would get quiet as Trowa worked, and when Trowa was done, Duo would turn to him and smile.

Even just that one smile a day was enough for Trowa.

* * *

  


Trowa had gone with him that afternoon, despite Duo's protests. He brought along some chemistry to read over while he waited in the car, but he only held the book open on the steering wheel as he watched the door restlessly.

It was Duo's last session, and it seemed monumental in an abstract way.

Duo had been nervous that day, eating his lunch by tearing it into pieces and chewing like a squirrel on the pieces. It had been adorably annoying, and Trowa had chewed especially quietly so he could enjoy the full experience.

Dr. Levy had ended their sessions two weeks earlier. Dr. Levy had abruptly announced that they had achieved everything they could hope to, and that continuing the sessions would only serve to placate Trowa's fears. Dr. Levy was too professional to be concerned with offending Trowa, which was one of the reasons that Trowa responded to him so well. They ended amicably, and Dr. Levy even wrote him a letter recommending that his license be reinstated.

It was an entirely beneficial arrangement.

Duo's sessions seemed different, though. Trowa wasn't sure, but he thought that Duo opened up to Dr. Mahoney quite openly. He knew that Duo hadn't told her all the details of his terrible mission, but he had given her the bones of it, and he seemed to enjoy his time with her. For the past two weeks, Duo had been vacillating between melancholy and anxiety when he anticipated the cessation of his therapy, so Trowa was certain he didn't want to leave Duo alone to deal with it.

It felt like much longer than two hours before Duo reappeared, carrying a gift bag, a small vase of daisies, and a file folder.

Trowa got out of the car to help Duo in, but Duo got the door open before he could get his book stored, and so then he had to slide back into the car to help Duo put his packages down so he could buckle up.

"How did it go?" Trowa kept his voice neutral as he peeked inside the gift bag. It seemed to consist of housewares.

Duo sighed, blushing just at the tips of his ears. "She gave me a going away present. She said... she said that she was proud of me." Duo ducked his face away as he clicked the buckle into place. "She got us stuff for the 'house' for when we move to the colonies. It's mostly earthbound stuff people on this rock think people in the colonies need." Duo seemed to be apologizing with his tone.

Trowa smiled faintly. "That's nice."

"Yeah," Duo shakily agreed. "She was really nice. She said... she said that she was available at any time, day or night. She gave me her 'special' number. And we... well, we covered the end stuff. You know, what to expect for the future, what I was looking forward to, that sort of thing."

Trowa watched Duo guardedly. He wasn't usually this forthcoming about his sessions.

"She was really nice. Really smart. She knows her shit, you know? I'm... I'm going to miss her." Duo swallowed hard, and looked away.

Trowa put his hand on Duo's knee. "I know."

Duo sniffed, but Trowa could see that it was just his sinuses. He started the car, slowly shifting into reverse. "Want to pick up a pizza and stay in bed all night?"

Duo nodded, smiling against the glass of the window. "Yeah. Thanks."

Trowa pulled out his cell phone, and handed it to Duo. He drove a little slow, so that the pizza would be ready by the time they got there. 

When they made love that night, Duo took the lead, covering Trowa's body with his caresses. There was some part of Trowa's brain that understood why Duo was being so aggressively tender, but he wasn't able to form words with his thoughts, and the nebulous comprehension slipped in and out of his grasp.

Trowa slept with his face on Duo's chest that night, Duo's hands running through his hair, and he as he drifted off, he thought that there was something in the way that Duo was holding him that indicated that Duo knew how much he trusted him.

* * *

  


"Open it."

Trowa nodded, his hands frozen in his lap. He continued to stare at the simple white envelope, waiting to see if perhaps it would do something interested.

"Open it."

Duo was getting impatient. He was staring at Trowa, his brow furrowed. He had only a few minutes before he had to leave for work, and he wanted to know what the answer was before he went.

Trowa continued to stare at the envelope. 

Duo sighed. "Can I open it?"

Trowa blinked, and looked up at Duo. Something in his expression must have indicated a positive response, or else Duo's question was rhetorical. Duo swiped the envelope off the bedspread, and ripped it open.

Trowa watched Duo's face as he read the single sheet of paper that had been safely ensconced in the envelope. He watched every twitch of Duo's nose, the way the corners of his eyes would crinkle as he read, the flickers of motion in Duo's lips, and the way that Duo's fingers moved over the edges of the paper.

He didn't have the slightest clue what to do with all of that information, but he watched.

Duo put the sheet of paper down, and smiled at Trowa.

Trowa leaned back, sighing.

"You're going to be a doctor."

Trowa felt himself smiling before he was consciously aware of being happy. Everything about the last forty seconds kept replaying and replaying against the backdrop of his senses. He could hear the envelope being ripped open and then Duo's voice warm with pride washing over him. He swallowed hard, thinking that he should say something, but he had nothing to say.

Duo leaned over and kissed his nose. "I'm going to be living with a doctor." Duo wiggled his eyebrows, and Trowa heard himself laughing even as he was analyzing the humor. 

He really hadn't expected to pass.

* * *

  


Duo's hands were unnaturally still in his lap. His back was so stiff, it made Trowa tense to look at him. He hadn't blinked for nearly three minutes. Trowa said nothing to comfort him, nor took any action to relax him. He was too tense himself to make the attempt.

Their names were on the bottom of the list for the afternoon's cases, right next to each other. The judge had already dispatched three people in rapid succession, displaying a gruff fairness that was not promising.

Trowa was reasonably confident that his request for reinstatement would be granted. Dr. Levy had signed off on it, he had seven months of taking his meds regularly behind him, and he had had no hospitalizations in over a year. Duo was quite still as he watched the proceedings with wide-eyed panic. Duo was convinced that he would not be reinstated; despite that, he had refused to allow Une to speak on his behalf at the hearing, and had in fact put his foot down against anyone attending in support. Duo had not said so in words, precisely, but he was of the opinion that if he was not considered safe to pilot by the law, then he shouldn't be piloting. It was as simple as that.

It was difficult to say what to expect. The judge barely looked at anyone who milled before his bench. He picked up one file folder after the other, shuffling the papers around inside and then shoving them off to the other side of his bench. He looked like a man who might, at one time, have been military, and was now letting his later years slip by before his eyes as he droned through the routine of his daily life.

Trowa pondered the possibility of pitying him, but the most emotional reaction he could muster was vague disgust.

His name was called first. He stood straight up and did not look at Duo as he approached the bench. He could sense that Duo was watching his every move, and it made him nervous enough. He stood at the podium before the bench, and calmly looked up at the judge.

The judge's hair was black, with grey around the edges of his hairline, and it was slicked back so that it shone. His hair was thinning, so there were thick, oily streaks of hair boldly traversing his head, only partially masking the skin of his scalp. His cheeks drooped below his jaw line, and his chin had a strange folding that might have been a dimple on a less stocky man. He wore thick glasses with outdated plastic frames, and when his dreary eyes lifted to look at Trowa, he looked over the rim of the frames, his head still bent over the paperwork in his hands.

"Mr. Barton?"

"Yes, sir."

"Your license was revoked due to psychological instability. You have taken measures to address the core problems associated with your condition?" The judge badly needed to clear his throat, and Trowa had to fight against wincing as his voice rumbled over the court.

"Yes, sir."

"You have a long record for a man so young..." The judge's voice trailed off in implicit suspicion, but as there was no question directed at him, Trowa did not respond. "And you were a pilot in the war."

Trowa nodded briefly, his eyes narrowing. The judge appeared to be reading the papers on his bench, but his eyes were fixed on Trowa.

"Very well. Your doctor has approved your reinstatement, and I see nothing in your record to indicate an untrustworthiness that would be compromising. Take care, young man." He banged his gavel, and shoved the paperwork off in the direction of his aide. "Next. Duo Maxwell."

Trowa stepped down, and went back to his seat. He looked at Duo as he passed him, trying to catch his eye. Duo was staring straight ahead, so he didn't bother trying to smile for him.

Trowa could not see Duo's face as the hearing continued, but he watched the judge carefully. He was sitting up more distinctly as he looked down on Duo, and Trowa felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise. He had to swallow down a swell of protective rage as he watched the judge size up Duo.

"So. Mr. Maxwell. I see here that you have a history of abusing illegal narcotics. And several accidents that occurred while you were flying under the influence of illegal narcotics. And a history of hospitalizations as a result of overdosing on illegal narcotics, the last incident no more than thirteen months ago. Is this all correct?" The judge spoke louder than he had to Trowa, and more distinctly as well. Trowa narrowed his eyes as he watched, gently repressing the urge to rip the man's face off.

"Yes, sir, that is all sadly true." Duo was not apologizing for his past, nor was he attempting in any way to explain it. He was showing remorse, but he was not begging to be forgiven. Trowa leaned back in his chair, feeling rather proud of Duo.

"Mr. Maxwell. It would be very... _rare_ for me to reinstate a pilot with your record."

"I understand that, sir."

"You, too, have a longer flight record than your age would suggest. And you also served in the war."

"Yes, sir, that is correct."

The judge was breathing loudly enough to be heard in the back, his nose puffing out with each breath. He leaned back in his chair, propping his chin up on his hand. "You have connections to powerful people, people who could force my hand here, but you stand before me alone. You provide for me something of an enigma, Mr. Maxwell.

"My son served in the war, as did I. My son was a mechanic stationed at Ft. LaGunia. He died in the service of his country, after an attack from a Gundam. He died with honor. He had been transferred there just before the attack from L2. He had requested the transfer because he couldn't stand the poverty and the oppression of the people of L2. He even told me that he had visited an orphanage, wanting to volunteer his time with the children, but they turned him away because of his uniform."

Duo reached up to clutch the edges of the podium. His back was stiff, and his whole body, even his braid, seemed to turn to stone. Trowa wished that he could see Duo's face. He wished that he recognized the name Ft. LaGunia.

"The Gundam left nothing behind of the base. Nothing but smoldering wreckage. I never got my son's body back, just a medal, and a letter signed by Treize Khushrenada. I went to L2 after the war. I was assigned as part of the team that rebuilt the colonies.

"Do you remember Ft. LaGunia, Mr. Maxwell?"

"Of course I do." There was a fervent tension to Duo's voice, and Trowa closed his eyes and looked away.

"I thought as much." The judge sighed and picked up the papers again. "The people of L2 all think of you as a hero. They think of you as a savior. That's a responsibility, Mr. Maxwell. That's your burden to bear, and I'm sure it isn't easy. But you owe it to the people of L2, and to my son, to bear that burden with dignity. I don't want to be proven wrong here. You owe that to _me_ , now, as well. I'm granting you a reinstatement, on the condition that your license will be examined every year for the next ten years, and any serious infraction of the law will result in permanent loss of license. Do you understand, Mr. Maxwell?"

"Y-yes, yes, sir, thank you."

The judge stared at Duo, his eyes piercing. "Make them all proud, Mr. Maxwell."

Duo nodded, leaving the podium hesitantly, continually looking back to see if there would be anything more. When the next name was called, he hurried to the door and slipped out. Trowa followed him, picking up their jackets as he went.

Duo was just outside the courtroom door, his back against the wall. He was breathing deeply, his hands pressed palms down against the wall, his eyes wide open and staring straight ahead. Trowa leaned on his side against the wall, and watched Duo for a moment.

"Are you all right?"

Duo blinked. "What the hell just happened in there?"

"He gave us back our licenses."

Duo turned to look at Trowa. "What was all that about his son? I thought for sure he was going to blame me..."

Trowa pondered. "Maybe he understood that we were just doing what we had to."

Duo folded his arms over his chest protectively. "I don't know. I... I don't know. That was..."

"Yeah." Trowa reached out and took Duo's hand, running his thumb over Duo's. Duo turned to him, and put his chin on Trowa's shoulder. 

"That was _weird_. If you had a son that was killed in the war, would you give his killer a break?"

Trowa tried to imagine himself with a son, but it was so far outside his context of comprehension, he eventually chose to view Duo's question as rhetorical. 

They had to stop by the clerk's desk, and get their paperwork. They had to wait nearly an hour in line just to get their names on the list of people waiting, and then another forty-five minutes before everything was drawn up and notarized for them to take. If they waited another hour and a half, they could also get their licenses right away, but neither saw the point. They could just go into the regulatory office of any airstrip and have their licenses printed up.

They weren't flying anywhere that night.

Duo was still tense when they got home, so Trowa used it as an excuse to get Duo to lie naked on the bed while he massaged him. The repetitive motions of his fingers over Duo's skin rendered the skin separate from the whole of Duo's body, and Trowa became entranced by the image of his flesh and Duo's merging. 

Duo was lax in his arms as he prepared him, as if his strength were all gone. He tried to grasp at Trowa with his fingertips, but Trowa was slipping out of his touch too easily. Trowa took full advantage, and paid homage to Duo in full over the course of the evening, pressing his lips and his fingers to Duo's body with adoration.

When they were both too tired to move anymore, Duo put his head on Trowa's chest, and fell asleep. Trowa tried to keep his heavy eyelids open so that he could enjoy running his fingers through the long expanses of Duo's hair, but even that immeasurable pleasure was not enough to fight off sleep forever.

In Trowa's dreams, he and Duo were living in a yellow ship in the sky, and they were naked all the time, making love against the archaically ornate levers of the ship's cockpit as they sailed through space above everyone.

* * *

  


Trowa took one last spin through the apartment. They had shipped out the last box that could be shipped that morning on their way to delivering the car to its new owner. They had walked back, taking a detour through the park where they had eaten together when they were Preventers. Trowa had looked around for the homeless man, keeping a sheltering closeness to Duo as they walked, but he hadn't seen him. 

He probably wouldn't have said anything anyway.

Their apartment was now depressingly bare. They didn't even have a bed anymore; the student that Trowa sold it to wasn't able to meet them in the morning to pick it up, so they had let him take it away before they had dropped off the car. There were only a few bags left, and a blanket spread out on the floor with pillows in the corner. It wouldn't be the most comfortable night's sleep for either of them, but it would be a far cry from the worst night also.

Duo was in the kitchen, cleaning the cabinets with disposable clothes he had gotten at the store. For some reason, he had been particular about cleaning the apartment himself. Trowa didn't know where that had come from, but he didn't see any reason to interfere either.

The bathroom was spotless, after all.

Spinning around the apartment for the last time was making Trowa dizzy, so he sat down on the blanket and waited for Duo to finish in the kitchen. They had made a schedule for their departure, and they were currently two hours ahead. Trowa wasn't sure what they were going to do with the remaining time, but he wasn't sure a blanket on a bare floor would be up to the task of entertaining them, so he started to try to remember what movies were currently playing.

Duo was drying his hands on his pants when he came out of the kitchen. "I think I've cleaned everything that needs cleaning. Actually, I don't think that there's anything left _to_ clean. This is a damn small apartment."

Trowa lifted his hand in an invitation to Duo. "It served its purpose."

Duo smiled warmly at him, but didn't sit down. "Yeah, I'm sure it's bustin' with pride about that fulfilled utility deal."

There was a nervousness in Duo's attempt at humor, and Trowa leaned back on his elbows, confused. "What?"

Duo looked away. "Man... I've been putting this off, and now there's nothing left on the list to do. We should have made a longer to do list. Damn!"

Trowa waited patiently for Duo to come to the point.

With a sigh, Duo sat down next to him, only half of him sitting on the blanket. "I... There's someone I need to see. To say goodbye to. For... closure."

Trowa felt cold. He looked away, nodding once. "Therapy assignment?"

"More like a suggestion," Duo sighed miserably. "A too damn good one."

Trowa nodded. "Let me come with you?" He hadn't intended to speak so softly, but he found that his voice was unreliable otherwise.

Duo put his face in his hands, digging his fingertips into his scalp along his hairline. "Ah, I really wish that you could... But I think that will only make things worse."

There was an undeniability to it that rendered Trowa speechless. 

He wondered why Duo wasn't getting up to leave. He didn't want to look at Duo right now, only because he was afraid of what Duo would see, and he wished that Duo would just go so that he could be alone with his thoughts.

Duo climbed into his lap, and put his arms around his neck. They kissed, their mouths anxious and needing. Duo rubbed his face against Trowa's like a cat would, and squeezed Trowa tightly. Trowa's arms had automatically gone around Duo's waist, and for a second, everything else was eclipsed by the momentary perfection.

"Do you know what the most amazing thing in the universe is?"

Duo's question sounded rhetorical, nothing more than a breathy whisper against Trowa's ear, and so he did not feel badly about not having a response.

"You fell in love with me." Duo smiled, and leaned back so that he could look into Trowa's eyes. 

Trowa involuntarily smiled back.

"I can't wait to get off this stinking rock and start living our lives together." 

Trowa wanted to push Duo down onto the floor, and take off all his clothes with his teeth. He wanted to stare into Duo's eyes as he moved inside of him, he wanted to taste Duo's skin as it cooled down after an orgasm. He wanted to hold Duo and not let go. 

He put his hand on the back of Duo's neck, and took a kiss from Duo's lips. He smiled as genuinely as he was capable of, and nodded. "Do you want to bring dinner home on your way back, or should we go out?"

Duo hugged Trowa, which somehow felt more intimate than sex just for a second. "Let's stay in. Our last night together in this place."

Trowa felt Duo slipping out his grasp, and the most he could do was to not clamp down on Duo's hands as they passed over his. He didn't get up to let Duo out, watching the door as Duo snuck through it, waiting for the clicks of the locks being tumbled back into place.

He stared at the door for a long time after Duo had left. The room was getting progressively darker, and as he sat there, he got progressively colder.

He tried to analyze what he was feeling, already in his mind organizing it the way that he would present it to Dr. Levy, were he still seeing Dr. Levy. He wasn't upset that Duo was going. On the contrary, it had occurred to him over the past few weeks that the last time that Duo had seen Heero was when Heero gave him the drugs. He had thought about how Duo might need to see Heero before they left, but it was something that turned out to be very easy to not think about much.

It wasn't that he was jealous, or afraid of what might go on between Duo and Heero, at least not romantically. He didn't even need Duo's reassurance before he left, although he never turned away from an opportunity to have Duo in his arms. Duo had just worked too damn hard to go back to Heero at this point.

It wasn't that he was afraid that Heero might tempt Duo into more self-destructive behavior. Even when Duo was having his worst moments of weakness, he never really seriously considered having a drink or a smoke. He might make jokes from time to time about drugs, but he struck Trowa as being afraid to slip again. Trowa had faith that Duo was strong enough to stay the course.

He was worried about Duo physically. Heero had been abusive in the past, and he might do so again. Trowa would have liked to be near, just in case Heero tried to hit Duo, but in reality Duo was probably right that Heero would only be angrier to see Trowa there, and anyway, there wasn't a whole hell of a lot Trowa could do save the use of lethal force if Heero decided to get violent. Heero was just better at close range violence than either Trowa or Duo.

There seemed to be something fundamentally wrong with Duo saying goodbye to Heero. 

Trowa stopped to consider that. During the war, he had gotten accustomed to thinking of Duo and Heero as a team, even as much as he grew to accept Quatre and himself as a team. It wasn't that he felt like he was an interloper in Duo and Heero's relationship, or that he felt like the two of them should give it another try. There was just a sense of melancholy that things had gotten so far out of hand that now Duo would be severing his relationship with Heero entirely.

Trowa stood up, stretching his hands above his head. There was something definitely wrong with that, but it was the way life had turned out. He had long ago given up the luxury of regret, so there was little else to do once he had acknowledged the source of his malaise other than to move past it.

He went to the window. There wasn't enough room on the ledge to sit, and the view was of the street, not the alley. Their street had a few stores down the block that stayed open late, and there was the 24-hour gym across the street, so there were enough neon lights and cars on the road that the street never got totally dark, and was rarely completely empty. In fact, if one were inclined toward people watching, it would be a near ideal location, as there were teeming masses of humanity crossing paths beneath Trowa's vision. There were some homeless kids on the other side of the street, joking around with each other and gearing up for the night. There was a group of what appeared to be sorority sisters standing outside the Senegalese restaurant, laughing and chatting before breaking up. There was a man waiting for a bus with his hands in his pockets, his whole body leaning against the pole with the bus sign, trying to hide his shivering. There was a woman trying to jog along with her black lab wearing nothing more than a sports bra and bike shorts that was being ogled by at least three men on the street.

Trowa didn't really care for people much, though, so he looked up, and tried to see the stars. The moon was a quarter full that night, and there were patchy clouds, but he could see one twinkling brightness, which, due to its luminosity, was almost certainly a colony. Trowa couldn't remember which one, though, because he couldn't get his bearings in the sky right. He had a vague idea of where each colony was positioned in relation to the Earth currently in their mutual orbits of the sun, but he needed something like the North Star or another fixed point to get his bearings.

He stared up into the sky, trying to remember how to extrapolate the orbits of the colonies based on the orbit of the moon relative to the Earth's orbit to the sun, but he could never get anywhere with his thoughts because he was too preoccupied with the understanding that Duo would instinctively be able to tell him which colony he was looking at without hesitation.

He heard the lock on the door click open, and the doorknob turning, but he waited at the window for Duo to come over to him.

He didn't even turn around when Duo put his arms around his waist, and leaned against him with his head on Trowa's shoulder. It was nice, and Trowa wanted to just relax in Duo's embrace. 

He put his fingertip on the glass. "Which colony is that?"

Duo looked absently. "L3. That's three colonies from the edge of the cluster."

Trowa blinked. "How can you tell?"

"Mm, most of L3 isn't visible from this angle, so it would have to be colonies on the edge. And you can tell how many there are by the way the light flickers." Duo put his hand flat on Trowa's belly, splaying his fingers out.

Trowa frowned. "No, you can't."

Duo chuckled, which Trowa couldn't hear, but he could feel against his side. "Yes, you can. Howard showed me first night I landed on this rock. The flicker comes from the rotation of the colony on its axis, right? And all colonies rotate at the same speed... You live on a colony long enough, you set your watch by that rhythm, ya know? So you just keep time. The rotation of the colonies as observed from Earth will depend on how far away they are, so you adjust for which cluster it is... and the number of flickers per measure will form a beat that will tell you how many there are in one 'star.'"

He paused an appropriate length of time for it to be considered thoughtful. "That's total crap."

Duo laughed, and pulled Trowa away from the window. "Says you. You don't even know L3 from L5."

Trowa retaliated with a quick tickle, which Duo deftly evaded, but only after he'd enjoyed it for as long as he had wanted to. "So."

"Yeah." Duo smiled at him sheepishly, turning away. "I picked up pizza slices on the way home. It seemed traditional." He sat down, setting the boxes of slices up as if they were having a picnic. 

Trowa dutifully sat down, and opened the box that was clearly set aside for him. "Green peppers?"

Duo shrugged. "That was the only one that had no meat, but some toppings."

Trowa nodded, and took a bite. "So."

"Yeah," Duo sighed. "It's ok. Nothing bad happened..."

Trowa said nothing, but chewed very slowly.

Duo picked at his pizza, lifting the cheese off in tiny bites. "He was angry."

Trowa nodded, hoping that he appeared to be understanding. 

Sighing, Duo looked away, his gaze gravitating to the window. "Things were said. You know the drill. I just feel like... I'm letting him down. He... needed some stress relief, you know? And that's what I was to him. But now I'm going away, and it's like I'm cutting him off..."

"He'd be better off without having you to relieve his stress you know." Trowa spoke to the wall to avoid saying it wrong.

Duo nodded. "I know that. But I still feel like... I mean, Heero's not like us, you know? He's a lot more... naive. I swear to fuckin' god, the look on his face was the same as a kid who's had a toy taken away because he wasn't behaving. He was just so... obstinate."

Trowa considered that carefully.

"I don't know. I don't want to be with him anymore. I guess I just think that it's too bad. He is... or at least, he _was_ a really good person. I just don't know what went wrong." Duo's pizza drooped more and more until he had it resting on his hands in the box.

Trowa nodded. "He's resilient. It's hard, but he'll probably be better off learning to deal with things without a scapegoat."

Duo barked a hollow laugh. "You mean he's better off without me? Sure, that's a given."

"That's not what I meant," Trowa sulked. "He's just..."

"He hates me."

"He doesn't." Trowa wasn't sure why he was so quick to refute. He wasn't sure he even believed what he was saying. "He just blames you."

"For him being him? Yeah, given. But he's grown to hate me. I can see it. I just..." Duo flopped over gracefully, his head landing on Trowa's leg. Trowa used his cleaner hand to brush Duo's bangs out of his face. "It's sad. I can't help loving him, despite everything he's done to me. But he just hates me in return."

Trowa ran his fingers over the contours of Duo's face, tracing his cheekbones and his lips. He leaned over so he could look down into Duo's eye. "I'm sorry."

Duo tried to smile and shrug, which had the effect of making him look much cuter than a man his age and experience had any right to look. "It's ok. I've dealt with it. You'll never hate me, will you?"

Trowa smiled, his hand resting on Duo's neck. "No, not even after I die. I love you."

Duo closed his eyes and smiled. "I mean, I think it's safe to say that you already know the worst thing I've ever done, and you're still here..."

Trowa wanted to kiss Duo, but he didn't want to disturb him from his position either. "Yes."

"Do you think that we'll be together after we die?"

Trowa let the silence linger for a moment before speaking. "I think I'm more concerned with living with you right now. The dying can sort itself out."

Duo sighed contentedly, and pushed himself up. He was grinning from ear to ear, and there was something in his eyes that was nearly bursting. "I'm with you on that one."

They finished eating later, when they were hungrier, and even though Trowa would have liked to stay up to watch Duo sleep on their last night on Earth, it was far more comfortable to fall to sleep with him.

They needed to be well rested for the morning, after all.

* * *

  


Trowa put their keys in the envelope the landlord had given them, and stuck the envelope in the box next to the mailboxes. The cab was outside waiting for them, already packed. Duo was waiting in the cab, to make sure the driver didn't just take off with his stuff.

He went through the list, mentally checking off everything that needed to be done before they left. He lost his place, and then couldn't remember what else needed to be done.

He decided that if they forgot anything truly important, they could ask Wu Fei to take care of it for them.

Duo was too excited to grin or bounce in his seat. He had a focus in his eyes that Trowa hadn't seen since the war. He hadn't even realized until now that it had been missing. He took Duo's hand in his for his own comfort, and kept his eyes on their joined fingers. 

It was a long drive out to the shuttle strip. It needed to be far enough away from city air traffic for the shuttles to reach the speed necessary for the exit window. Trowa thought of the distance in terms of the cost of the cab, equating it to the things they sold off. By the time they reached the strip, they had spent the money from the bed, Duo's cds, his porn tapes, his books that Quatre had sent him, and 1/15th of the car.

There was an interminable amount of paperwork to be done. They needed to have all their bags checked by Preventers customs agents. The two agents were slow and lazy, knowing that no shuttle ever went off without all of its passengers, so there was no rush.

Duo tapped his foot absently while pushing his bangs back, desperately trying not to sigh. His gaze kept drifting back to the widows that reached up to the ceiling, and the blue sky above.

It was the perfect day for a flight.

They had to check in at the small shuttle rental desk. There was paperwork to fill out, and bills to pay, and the clerk tried to sell them insurance, and then they had to take a short exam to be cleared for the day's flight, and then they needed to take a breathalyzer test to be sure they were not intoxicated. 

Duo whispered under his breath to Trowa all the ways to bypass the breathalyzer, and all the drugs that wouldn't show up on any kind of test. He made sure to speak softly when no clerks or agents were around, so that no one would know how much he knew about it. Trowa put his hand on Duo's thigh as they waited for the results, granting them both a modicum of patience.

After that, there was the equipment check of the vessel. It was the smallest, dirtiest, oldest piece of crap that Trowa had ever piloted, and he felt like his nervous system would explode with excitement at the thought of being in control again.

There was an unfortunate amount of small talk with the strip's chief operator as everything was processed and they prepared for release. Duo had already pulled up the atmospheric conditions on the onboard computer, and was making the necessary calculations for determining exit velocity and trajectory absently as tapped with mute frustration on the keyboard.

"You boys have been to the colonies before."

There was more to that statement than a simple observation of experience, and Trowa wasn't sure whether it was a negative thing or not. The chief was too bland to elicit any kind of reaction from anyone. Trowa merely nodded, and Duo was too busy with his impatience to bother listening.

"It's a little rare for us to lease these things out for private use. You boys must have quite a living up there."

Trowa was a little tired of being referred to as 'you boys.' "It was a going away present from a friend." Quatre hadn't been able to attend the makeshift going away party that Relena had organized without their permission, so he had sent them a voucher instead. It was the sort of broad gesture of genuine kindness that had always endeared Quatre to Trowa in the past, although he had a better idea of how little it meant to Quatre now than he had during the war.

The chief whistled. "Some friend."

"Some days."

Duo smiled a little, laughing through his nose, and Trowa felt rather pleased with himself.

"You sure you don't need a flight partner? L5 is a long way off, and you never know what might happen to you on the way... With only the two of you, it could be a hard flight." He sounded genuinely concerned, so Trowa decided that he merited an honest response.

"I flew from the rock to L3 on my own for the first time when I was seven. I think we'll be fine."

Duo was amused enough at that to turn at look at Trowa appreciatively, and the chief got a good look at the two of them for the first time. If he had been able to push his flight chair back, he almost certainly would have. "I... I didn't realize..."

Duo rolled his eyes, and started to plot the flight plan from Earth to L5 while playing with his hair.

The chief swallowed. "Then I guess I won't bother asking to double check your calcs..."

"Go right ahead," Duo offered, sending his work to the screen next to the chief with two quick clicks. Trowa was impressed with how familiar Duo was with the equipment. He wasn't sure if it was because Duo had already flown in one of these glorified crop dusters before, or if it was because he was just that good with machines. He knew that Heero had thought that Duo was the most skilled pilot in their group, despite his lack of formal training, so Trowa was leaning to believe that Duo would know his way around any cockpit.

The chief stared at the screen with his mouth hanging open, trying to form words, for the longest time. "How... How... How did you do all this so fast?"

"Why?" Duo turned around lazily to look at him. "How long does it take you to do it?"

Trowa had to turn away to keep from laughing. The chief turned red, and clicked the calcs away, muttering something about colony brats. Duo smiled broadly, and turned back to the computer.

Finally, they got the go ahead, and the chief left them alone in the cockpit. Duo started the initiation sequence for the engines, and the vessel was beginning to vibrate as the engines powered up.

Both of them had taken seats in secondary positions, neither willing to commit to the pilot's seat without being sure. They looked each other in the eye for a moment before Trowa grinned, and indicated that Duo take it.

"You sure?" Duo was already standing up and moving the chair so he could get in, but he was taking the time to ask first.

"You're the better pilot," Trowa affirmed. "Besides, I like to watch you at work." He winked at Duo, and Duo actually blushed a little in response.

"All right... but just remember, it was your choice. I like to take off fast." Duo winked at Trowa as he sat down in the pilot's chair.

"I know," Trowa replied cheekily, and earned himself a laugh for his effort.

They went through the entire power up sequence, taking each step by the book, and then contacted the tower before getting into position for the launch sequence. The strip was set up like a tiny airport with freakishly long runways, because ships landing used every inch of runway length. All of the ships that were housed here took flying leaps so when they took off, they were up long before the end of the runway. They would need, though, to gain speed before they could begin rapid ascent, and so they needed plenty of real estate to get going.

They were busy with prelaunch operations right up to the first time they had a window announced. They weren't able to take advantage until the third time they were given a window, at which point Duo brought their ship to the top of the runway and called for final clearance. 

Trowa had little to do at this point. A copilot was more essential in finesse maneuvers, like docking to a colony or shuttle, or threading through complex curves in the flight plan. For launches, though, a pilot was all that was necessary. Trowa had a few gauges up to help guide Duo, but it was all Duo's show, getting them into space.

Trowa kept one eye on the monitors, and one eye on Duo. The g-forces were at their worst, and he had to fight to even keep his eyes open. Duo's arms were like rock, holding the stick, keeping up the acceleration and keeping the nose up in the air. 

It was like watching a film in flight school. Duo was just naturally a perfect pilot. Trowa felt his heart pounding as they hit exit velocity. They were leaving the rock behind them.

Soon, the windows were surrounded by blackness, and the crushing g-forces shoving them into their chairs dwindled as they left gravity behind.

"We're off." Duo sounded proud, and Trowa could hear the smile in his voice.

"Off and running." Trowa wanted to lean forward and kiss Duo, but it wasn't the time. Now they needed to get their flight plan programmed in, and set. They needed to negotiate through the higher traffic area around the rock, and get into the slot of their flight plan. They needed to set the proximity detectors and get all the equipment set to space flight standards.

It wasn't urgent. They had time later. They had their whole journey to get through.


	15. Epilogue

He went through the back alley, even though it took longer. There was less traffic, and this way, he could stop and feed the feral cats. He stuffed his pockets with dry cat food, and as he went down the alley behind the houses, he dropped small handfuls wherever he spotted evidence of the feral cats. There were about six that he knew of, although there might be more if the litter from earlier this year was larger than he had estimated. 

If their neighbors knew that he was feeding the feral cats in the neighborhood, they would have them evicted. Duo would never let him hear the last of it, so he had to be sure to clean out his pockets before he got home.

Fortunately, he was the one who did the laundry in the household, so he didn't have to worry about Duo accidentally finding his pockets full of cat food dust.

Their house was dark from the back, which either meant that Duo wasn't home yet, or he was in the basement. Trowa hoped that Duo wasn't still at school; he worked too hard.

He had to open the door slowly. He could hear all the ruckus behind the door before he even got the key in the lock. Duo either had already let out the husky, and then generously let him back in again, or poor Mounty hadn't been out yet. His great, furry paws were hitting the door with muffled thumps. Trowa slipped in quickly, making sure that no one got out, and patiently endured the dog's pleasure at his return to the homestead.

They had four dogs, six cats, three birds, which Duo had absolutely insisted be kept in a cage outside, two lizards, which Duo took sole care of, eighteen mice (at last count), three hamsters, two ferrets, and a snake. Their home was a matter of horror for all their neighbors, but the area children loved to come by and play with their animals, and hear horror stories about the war, most of which were partial exaggerations.

Trowa liked to hear Duo tell stories of the past, colored by their own take on how things went. 

He had just gotten to his knee to pet their oldest kitty, Sasha, when the lights from the living room snapped on, causing him to jump back a little, to Sasha's disgust.

"God damn it, Barton!" Duo was storming through to greet him. "Get them the hell out of my hair!"

Trowa smirked. Duo turned his back to Trowa, his long braid swinging slowly behind him, weighed down by three kittens who were clinging for dear life. "You have kitten hair again!"

Duo growled. "Stop acting like it's cute and get them the hell off!"

Trowa bit his tongue so that he wouldn't laugh out loud, and proceeded to gently unhook the bottom kitten from his roost. It was the little orange tabby, and as soon as she hit the ground, her legs all splayed out, she ran under the couch. 

"We have too damn many animals in this house," Duo grumbled, even though he knew perfectly well that he would rather live with kittens in his hair all the time than put any of their charges out into the cold. "Why do they always go for my hair?"

"Well, you tease us with it, don't you?" Trowa archly suggested, cradling the little grey kitten as he put him down. "You just taunt us with it, letting it get all long so that it swings around behind you, so inviting..."

Duo glared at Trowa from over his shoulder. "If I remember correctly, _I'm_ the one who wants to cut it, and _you're_ the one who insists on it being this long. Can't you train them to leave the braid alone?"

Trowa worked on getting the last kitten out of Duo's braid. It was the little black kitty with the white belly and feet. He was chewing on Duo's hair, something Trowa decided that Duo really didn't need to know, and he had his little bottom paw stuck into the folds of the braid. He resisted being removed with all the force and will he could muster up into his little kitten body, which was a surprising large amount. "I did tell you how to keep them from getting into things."

"I'm not soaking my hair in sour apple!"

Trowa sighed, finally extricating the little black kitty, who was desperately trying to get back into the braid. He kissed the kitty on the top of his head, feeling a certain kinship with the animal who was equally drawn to Duo's hair. "Well, then, I can't be held responsible."

Duo glared at him, hitching his braid over his shoulder. "Brat."

Trowa sighed, leaning forward to get a kiss. "Naturally."

Duo rolled his eyes in mock exasperation, and went to the kitchen, walking with a conscious sense that Trowa was right behind him. "How was the clinic?"

"Pretty good. Kinda busy." Trowa rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the tension over his vertebrae absently. "Had to put down a pit bull that had bit a neighbor boy."

Duo made a sympathetic noise. "Sorry. That sucks. Was it a nasty dog?"

"No," Trowa shook his head sadly, "but the neighbor parents were horrible. They actually went with to watch the dog being put down, and then they were laughing about it afterwards. I don't think they cared _that_ much about their kid getting bitten, at least not as much as they cared about getting rid of the dog."

"People suck," Duo declared, ripping open the fridge door to assess the interior. "Uh. Lasagna?"

Trowa shrugged, getting the dishcloth wet to wash down the table. "Whatever. How was your day?"

Duo shrugged as he started to pull together the leftovers from two nights ago, and the makings of a salad. "Eh. I think I got that internship. The guy from the office was there in class today. My teacher was pissed, though, because I made him look like an idiot twice. He's kinda of a dick, but he does usually know his shit. He's just more of a design person than an engineering person. But that guy from my class, Richard, he told me that he knew someone in Baxter and Clemits, and that there was probably going to be a second internship opening up, because the colony is going to redevelop sector 19B, so they're going to have a busy summer."

Trowa nodded along, finishing washing the table, then picking up the various bowls to feed their menagerie. Duo had worked in colony maintenance all through veterinary school, slowly chipping away at their debt as he also kept them in house and home. Trowa had wanted to be able to support Duo in the same way, as soon as he had developed an interest in colonial architecture, but a vet just didn't make that much. Duo had a lot of talent, though, and he already had made some plans that had been accepted by the largest architecture firm in the colonies. He had only another year of school before he could be licensed and certified, at which point, he would be able to start making some serious money.

Trowa didn't tell him that it didn't matter how many positions there were open at the firm, that there was no way that Duo wouldn't be the one to get it. It didn't matter to Duo how high his grades were, or how much better he was at it than anyone else in his class, he was still sure that he would be found out as a fraud at any moment. Trowa indulged him, and pretended to be surprised with every success.

"Oh! And Fei called," Duo shoved the leftover lasagna into the oven with a little more force than either the lasagna or the oven deserved. "He had about seven trillion 'details' to 'mention,' but the long and the short of it, I'm going to need a tux." Duo made a face, and started to tear up the lettuce. "Basically, I need red as the color, although he said it didn't matter too much what kind of tux and accessories I got, since I was going to be the only one, and he was going to be in the traditional gown thing. Whatever." Duo sighed.

"We should go get you fitted this weekend, then," Trowa suggested. "Did you feed the lizards and the snake?"

"Fed the snake this morning. Lizards are good. This whole thing is such a pain in the ass." Duo took more pleasure than he should have cutting up the carrots. "It's _their_ damn wedding, why do _I_ have to be so involved?"

Trowa had his suspicions, but he kept them neatly to himself. "It's not everyday that two of your closest friends get married."

Duo looked disgusted. "I don't get it. They've been together for over a year! What's the big deal about a wedding? If they have to get married, and I really don't think that they do, they should just go off to their local circuit courthouse, and fill out the paperwork. Ba-da bing, ba-da boom. Done. Making such a spectacle of themselves... We've been together for a helluva lot longer, and we've never made all our friends dress up like waiters and buy us presents. We should do that. Out of spite."

Trowa wanted to laugh, but he knew better. "It was probably Hilde's idea. Girls... want weddings." Trowa was not able to elucidate his opinion on the topic any clearer than that. He was still reeling from Catherine's wedding, and the fourteen-month circus of horrors that came before that, and that was two years ago.

Duo snorted. "Fei lets that girl get away with too damn much. She always tried to walk all over me, but I never let her string me up and bounce me around like some damn puppet."

Trowa winked at him. "But you weren't dependent on her for sex."

"Ha! Another good reason to be a good colony boy... Women have too damn many hurdles."

Trowa put down the last bowl of water, stepping carefully over cats, kittens, and dogs to make his way to Duo's side. He put his hands on Duo's hips, and his chin on Duo's shoulder. "I certainly prefer things the way they are."

That earned him a kiss and a smile.

He was going to start setting the table, but Duo was wearing a t-shirt with a wide neck, and the desire to dig his fingers into Duo's flesh was great. He was surprised how tense Duo was. His neck felt like it was made of metal. After a minute of making Duo groan as he massaged him, Trowa noticed a few other small things. He narrowed his eyes. Speaking very softly, he asked, "Bad day?"

Duo rolled his shoulders, sighing. "Nah. Not really. Just... a little long."

Trowa put his arms around Duo's waist, and kissed his neck. "Anything you wanna talk about?"

Duo snorted, but he didn't pull away. "There's... there's nothing really to talk about."

Trowa said nothing, but he didn't move.

"It's just... Damn, I feel stupid. Fei heard from Heero yesterday."

* * *

  


He kept low, so that he wouldn't be seen. The long rope of hair swung back and forth. He knew what was his.

He didn't begrudge the other one for being there, or for touching what was his. Not any more. But still, he had his prey in sight.

He let it slip from his grasp, but he would always come back for more.

* * *

  


Trowa held onto Duo, not really sure where things were going to go from here.

"Heero RSVP'd. For two. He got married in November."

Trowa couldn't help being shocked. He stood up straight, almost entirely losing contact with Duo. It took him a moment just to process the words, much less the tone of voice. "I wasn't aware he was seeing anyone."

Duo shrugged. "I guess no one was. Not that Heero keeps in such great contact. Anyone, it's some girl he met at work. She's a programmer, too, and she's from the colonies. Fei said that he sounded... happy. Fuckin' 'ey, I'm pretty damn sure that _I've_ never heard Heero sounding happy."

Duo moodily yanked himself out of Trowa's arms, and went to plunk the salad on the table. Trowa blinked, and followed by getting the plates, cutlery, and napkins. Duo poured their drinks, setting the jug of filtered water on the table when he was done. Trowa got the oven mitts, and took the lasagna out. It was still likely a little cool in places, but neither of them would care that much. He watched Duo cut up the lasagna, cataloging every gesture and expression. "Are you jealous?"

Trowa's guarded voice did not betray his feelings at all, which made him proud, and made Duo nervous. It had the effect of pulling Duo out of the reverie of his thoughts. "No! God, no, not... _jealous_. Just... I dunno, Tro." Duo plopped down in his chair bonelessly. "I have no idea what's going on in my crazy head sometimes."

Trowa neatly cut off a piece of lasagna with his fork, and lifted it to his lips. "I didn't mean to imply that you wanted to be with him. But you do love him. It's only natural."

Trowa did not want to see that guilty expression on Duo's face. Before he could retract his words, Duo slipped out of his chair, and into Trowa's lap. "No, Tro... Yeah, I mean, I _guess_ I still love him. Always will, I'm afraid. And yeah, there's still no one else I'd rather be with." He leaned down to slowly kiss Trowa's lips, sucking gently on Trowa's bottom lip before letting go. "I sure as hell wouldn't put up with this zoo for anyone else." 

Duo's eyes were sparkling, and Trowa couldn't help but smile.

"I don't know, I just felt... melancholy, hearing that. I don't know why. I spent so _damn_ much time doing anything I could, just to make him happy... I guess he just needed someone else. Which is stupid, because of course _I_ needed someone else, so why wouldn't he? But still..." Duo trailed off, his face turned so that he wasn't looking at Trowa.

Trowa put his hand on Duo's chin, turning his face back, and he took Duo's mouth in a consuming kiss. Duo's hands were enmeshed in his hair when he broke away to breathe, and he was very aware of Duo's tight body in his lap.

Duo grinned at him, whispering against his lips, "I'm being stupid. Tell me I'm being stupid."

Trowa shook his head, brushing his lips against Duo's. "You're never stupid. It's only natural. It's ok. It'll pass."

Duo nodded, and pressed down for another kiss.

Dinner was soon forgotten.

* * *

  


There were times when he could barely stand to stay back. When he just _needed_ too much to press in between them, and keep what was his away from the other one. But it would be futile, which was why he kept in position, ready to pounce. He would get his opportunity, oh yes, but before then, he just needed to bide his time, and let them have their way.

They couldn't deny what was true for very long.

* * *

  


They left the dishes in the sink, fully knowing that some animal would climb up there and get to them. It didn't matter right then.

They went to the bedroom, and Trowa sat down on the side of the bed, ritualistically. He pulled on Duo's hand, leading Duo to stand between his legs. He undressed Duo slowly, letting his fingertips graze but not touch Duo's skin as he did. He needed Duo to lean over so that he could pull his t-shirt off, and then Duo was unclothed.

He turned Duo around, letting his palms linger on Duo's hips, and he ran his hand down the length of Duo's braid. He lifted the end up with awe, his breathing hitching as he started to undo the braid. It didn't matter how many times he did this, when he touched this sacred hair, it was always overwhelming.

Right now, Duo's braid reached his knees, so that when it was unwound, it actually rested on the floor. He knew that it was extravagant, but he loved it, every inch of it.

Duo spoke quietly, so as not to break the mood. "I'm going to have to have it cut, you know."

Trowa winced, but did not deny the words. "Just make sure I'm not around when you do it."

Duo's eyes were sparkling. "I'll probably get it cut to my shoulders. I'm getting too old for hair this long... Anyway, it'll look better for the wedding."

Trowa growled. 

Duo shook his head, his hair spilling over his shoulders tantalizingly. He turned to kneel in front of Trowa. "Don't get upset. It always grows back."

Trowa took Duo's face in his hands, and kissed him hard. There was no more romance left in their actions. The time for that was over now. 

Duo tore Trowa's clothes off as they wrestled on top of the bed. Trowa pushed Duo down, his hand running down the inside of Duo's thigh. Ten years was a long time to be with one person. After ten years, he got to know the Duo's skin like he knew his own, so that when he touched Duo, he could almost feel what Duo felt in the tips of his fingers. 

He knew that Duo felt the same way, because of the way that Duo lingered on him in the ways that he liked the best.

There were no more surprises, but that was more of a relief than a let down. They didn't need to surprise each other any more; they had enough surprises in their memories.

Trowa put his hand on Duo's shoulder, and he watched as Duo let his head fall off the edge of the bed, his hair pooling on the floor. 

They knew this dance by heart, but they still had to change the sheets too damned often.

* * *

  


He would not wait a second longer. With a Herculean effort, the little black kitten launched himself into the pile of long, perfect hair.

It was the best time, even though it was more his insatiable need for the hair that had informed his choice, and not the situation. They were up on the bed, moving and playing, but he was rolling in the hair, the best hair, the most perfect hair.

It was where he belonged. It was his home. The other one understood. The other one felt the same way. At first, he had been jealous of the time that the other one had with the hair, but that was just silly.

The other one was his ally in the quest for the hair. He came to see that.

He reveled in his moment, spreading his paws out into the hair, and clawing at the tangled mass of perfect hair. These times were all too fleeting, but they made his existence worthwhile.

* * *

  


Trowa felt no need to mention the kitten that had been playing in Duo's hair while they had made love. He had Duo nestled in his arms, and that was all that really mattered. Later, they would get up and shower, maybe watching some television before going to bed for real. But right now, they were together.

Duo had his leg thrown over Trowa's body, and his face was tucked against Trowa's shoulder. They had the fit down just right.

They had stopped worrying about that mythical day when they would grow tired of each other; after everything they had been through in the last ten years, getting bored with each other would have been the exact same thing as getting bored with themselves, and would have had the same solution.

"Tro?" Duo asked drowsily.

"Yeah?"

"Why do you think that Fei picked _me_ to be his best man?" There was incredulous wonder in Duo's voice, and Trowa knew that Duo would give up his vaunted position in a second to just be free of this responsibility.

It was not the first time Duo had asked the question, and Trowa had no better answer now than the any previous time; at least, he had no better answer that Duo would accept. Instead of answering, he just kissed Duo's head, and ran his fingers loosely through Duo's hair, closing his eyes and letting his mind drift off aimlessly into the pseudosleep of daydreaming.

He always imagined himself in exactly the position that he was in when he drifted, and it was always a relief to find himself where he belonged when he awoke.


End file.
